Ass Menagerie

Moliere, or maybe it was Sonja Morgan, once said, "One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." In the land of hippos live the great hippofied hippo-y hipster hypocrites. Their names are Jeff & Rachel. Through the murky swamps, the bottles of Pro-Activ and the copies of Homophobic Monthly there is only one guiding force: hypocrisy. What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander (Oh Sheila) and what goes around actually does come around. You see, unless you're an Oldie, you're not allowed to play the game of Big Brother. You're not allowed to strategize, you're not allowed to compete and you're not allowed to get rid of wretched red-headed hosebeasts. Just kindly shut up and let the withering old veterans play the game they came to play. Sit in your corner dumbly wearing a "Floater" sign and only speak when spoken to. Poppycock! You may be good in competitions Rachel and you may be dumbly loved by America Jeff, but neither of you are invincible and, I'm sorry to say, but life's a bitch. Let's recap, shall we?



Kalia is our new HOH and the big question on everyone's mind is: who will she nominate? After what sounds like a really gross Have/Have-Not competition, we find Kalia in the HOH venting to Shelly about Jordan. You see, all along Jordan has sat around in a useless lump just wanting to get to Jury. But today, for some reason (PMS), Jordan has decided to play the game and Kalia is unthrilled about it. People have bent over backwards for Jordan to stay in the house and get to Jury with Jeff. In Kalia's mind, Jordan has already gotten what she wanted all along so why should she do Jordan anymore favors? Why, indeed! Kalia tells Shelly that her plan is to nominate Rachel and Jeff, but she won't cry if Rachel wins POV and Jeff goes home instead. Jeff's being a dick and he won't give Kalia the respect she feels she deserves as HOH by going up and talking to her.



Shelly asks Kalia if she's ever considered who her final four would be. Would she ever consider a group like Shelly, Kalia, Dani and Lawon. Kalia says sure. The conversation turns to their respective financial situations. It turns out that being the Carrie Bradshaw of relationship blogging isn't all that lucrative (Christ, I could've told her that) and Kalia has only $300 in her bank account. Shelly, on the other hand, lives comfortably and it wouldn't kill her not win the $500K. Shelly would be just as happy coming in 2nd or 3rd or 4th. As I've always felt that need has nothing to do with reality show competitions, I could care less if these gals are millionaires or on welfare. Just play the fucking game and be deserving. That's all I ask. Anyhow, the conversation ends with a flimsy sort of a final four deal intact. Sure, Daniele or Lawon aren't privy to the details of the final four deal, but Shelly is happy and when Coyote Ugly is happy the world burps tobacco.

Reluctantly, Jeff & Jordan make their way up to the HOH. I say "reluctantly" because Jordan thinks she has this entire week already figured out and going upstairs to talk to Kalia is a waste of her time. In that little shriveled up thing she calls a brain, Jordan assumes that Daniele is pulling Kalia's HOH strings and that this is the week she'll be able to finally get Jeff out of the house. As much as I'd love for Daniele to be in charge again, she's not. Not at all. Kalia is running this ship all by herself and getting Jeff out of the house isn't her main priority. I suspect that Jordan has been infected by Big Red. I recommend a lethal dose of Cipro and a cornucopia of antibiotics to cure the infection. The sores will fester and stink, but don't scratch at them for fear of scarring.

So Jeff & Jordan enter the HOH and Jeff says he wants to know where Kalia's head is at. Kalia says that Jeff & Jordan are not her targets, but she wants someone in the POV competition that has a chance of winning. Her target this week is Rachel and Kalia wants to do anything she can to prevent Rachel from removing herself from the block. Nominating Jeff, so he'll get to play in POV, is an important part of the "Evict Rachel" plan. Well, this takes Jeff by surprise as he doesn't really want to be nominated. Jordan also doesn't react well because if Rachel wins, then Jeff is gone. Kalia says that's not necessarily true. She has other people she can nominate.



Jordan leaps out of her chair, tells Kalia that whomever gets evicted this week can come back into the house and that if Jeff leaves and returns, he'll be pissed. Oooohhhh scarrrrrry! Jeff is pissed off every second of the day. Who the fuck cares? Kalia reassures Jordan that Jeff is not her target. Jordan doesn't want to listen and has had about enough at this point. I couldn't figure out why Jordan was acting like such a bitch, but then I whipped out my black marble journal and quickly added some figures together. Jordan is PMSing right about now. Voila! It all makes sense. After some more angry hand waving and saying, "I knew it all along. I knew it all along.", Jordan storms out. Jordan is convinced that what Kalia is telling her is all a ruse. She's 100% certain that this is all part of Daniele's wicked plan to separate her from Jeff. Jordan, princess, you could not be more wrong.



So Jeff is left behind and now it's his turn to get all pissy. He tells Kalia she's making a big mistake and now she's his number one target. Kalia whines that he's not understanding her plan. Kalia, you don't have to explain shit to these assholes. Christ, at this point, I'd say go ahead and nominate both Jeff & Jordan. Those two mung beans deserve to be separated. Jeff continues by accusing Kalia of being overly influenced by outside sources. Ha! That's funny coming from a person also infected with Big Red sores. The gist of it is this: the Oldies get mad when they don't get their way. They had it easy for a month and now that they actually have to put forth some effort, they're not happy about it. To hell with all of them. That's what I say.

In the end, Kalia nominates Jeff & Rachel for eviction. Apparently, Kalia said some nasty things to Rachel in her speech and now Rachel is crying and writing MARTYR all over her face in red lipstick. Rachel's whole world is crumbling all around her. She lost her fiance, everyone is mean to her and now she's on the block. Hang on a sec. I've got to go get my violin. *slow melancholy tune plays* OK Rachel, continue. "I'm playing for second place! My fiance is gone! Who the hell do Dani and Kalia think they are?! Waahh waaahhh waaahhh! People keep stabbing me in the back! I have 50,000 knives in me! What did I do to deserve this??" *burble burble* Shut. The. Fuck. Up. I am so sick of these people bitching about floaters, bitching about HG's not playing the game, bitching about everything under the sun and then the second someone plays the game in a manner that doesn't suit their needs, they throw a hissy fit. This self-entitled bullshit was old in week one and it's even older here in week 85 (It has to be week 85, right? I swear this has been going on for an eternity.). Rachel, you're awful. No one likes you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can fade into oblivion and let your heavy-jawed fiance try to support you with the two nickles he's rubbing together.


Meanwhile up in the HOH, Kalia is flummoxed as to why everyone is mad at her. God, these people are so stupid. You can't nominate Rachel and Jeff and not expect them to react. I don't know why, but the Newbies never really reacted or even seemed to care when nominated. Well, the Oldies aren't like that. They're coddled and arrogant and hissy fits just come with the territory. Dani consoles Kalia by telling her that the nominees are just selfish and that she did so well in the last HOH competition. It's all bathed in ridiculousness. Kalia might be making a decent move, but she can't crumble the second one of her nominees gives her the stink eye. I'd be mad if someone nominated me. I'm sure Kalia would be mad if someone nominated her. Anger is part of the game. So is revenge. Tit for tat. Retaliation. The choices you make can either further your game or come back and bite you in the ass, but you've got to stand by them no matter what. I hate Rachel with a burning fiery passion, but you don't see her crying when she nominates someone. Kalia needs to man up.

Speaking of manning up, Shelly is doing some reconaissance in the Have-Not room with Jeff & Jordan. Both Jeff & Jordan are still incredibly pissy and they're due for a diaper change. Shelly is doing her bumper sticker "thang" when Jeff turns on her and questions her motives. He wants to know why Shelly told him yesterday that he was safe. He also accuses her of throwing the Have-Not competition (who the hell would ever do that?) to which Shelly becomes extremely offended. She can't believe he's questioning her loyalty.



Upset and on the verge of tears, Shelly explains to Jordan that all she's been doing all along is making sure that them two are safe. She tells them everything she finds out from the other side and, in turn, they pay her back by attaching themselves to a train wreck like Rachel. Go Shelly!She understands that Jeff is getting paranoid, but she also thinks they really need to stop listening to Rachel and the crap she's spewing. Jordan says they're only being nice to Rachel because Brendon is gone. I call bullshit. Bull. Shit. Jordan has been nice to Rachel all along. She indulges her in her dramas, believes her theories and has even begun acting like a self-entitled asshole herself. Rachel is like that monkey in Outbreak. She needs to be contained and kept away from the general public for fear of infection.


This brings us to BBAD where Shelly is in full blown tears. She's over the ridiculousness and she thinks everyone is acting like 3 years olds. She knows 7 & 8 year olds who are more mature than the people in that house. Shelly says the way Jeff said her name when he pulled it during the Have-Not comp was laced with an underlying cynicism. She says she knew in that moment that everything she's done for them has been for naught. She can't believe Jeff would accuse of throwing a competition. It's not her fault she's never seen a fucking yam in her life. Jordan covers her face with her hands and moans, "Oh Shelly." Oh shut up Jordan! Shelly is right. You guys are acting like petulant children. If there's one person who's been loyal to you, much to my chagrin I'll have you know, it's Shelly. The woman worships you guys. How can you not see that?

Jordan runs to get Jeff because, let's get real, Jordan can't deal with anything on her own. Jeff comes in and promptly calls Shelly stupid. Shelly wipes away her tears and seems to find her center again. She tells Jeff that by going around the house accusing random people of being Daniele's minions that he's essentially giving up. Jeff says he's not giving up at all and Shelly tells him, again, that it's fine that he's angry, but he can't go pissing off the entire house like he is. They talk about the Have-Not competition and there's a lot of talk about "shooting straight". Shelly calls herself a Trojan Horse and, actually, that's pretty accurate. She is kind of like a Trojan Horse. I'm bummed I didn't think of it first. Shelly cries some more and every lit cigarette across the planet went out with a sad deflated whimper. Shelly's a tough old broad and I have a feeling she doesn't cry much. These aren't fake Rachel tears. This is the real deal. Maybe Shelly is upset that the CBS Jeff & Jordan edit doesn't match the real life version. It's a heady thing when you realize the person you've looked up to is really just a heavily flawed bag of wind. You end up questioning yourself and your judgment. I get it Coyote Ugly. I get it.

I'm watching BBAD as I'm writing this so... Rachel in HOH with Kalia mumbling about how much she's a competitor... fast forward. She wants to win competitions.... fast forward. She wants to move forward with competitors... fast forward. Finally, she leaves! Not so fast. She corners Adam in the Storage Room and lectures him on how she's been in the game for 20 weeks and she's been fighting the entire time. Only 20? I was thinking more like 275.

I'm in a little bit of a hurry today so I'll end this with a conversation between Adam & Kalia. Adam is in the HOH and Kalia is telling him that she needs him to try for POV. She knows it's really easy for people without a target on their back to take prizes instead of trying, but she really needs him to try to win this week. He needs to start going into competitions thinking he'll win them. In between rubbing his sweaty feet in his sandals and then stroking his beard, Adam says he thought he did well in the spelling comp. Whatever Humpty Dumpty.

Kalia tells Adam that people in the house, the Oldies in particular, are annoyed with floaters and Adam could easily be seen as a floater (duh). Kalia implies that only she and Daniele are the ones doing the work for the Newbies by "creating diversions" while the rest of them just float by. Hold up there Kalia. You did nothing for like 3 weeks. It's fine that you're making a comeback, but let's not get carried away here. They discuss what the upcoming twist could be and neither of them believe it's as easy as the next evicted HG being immediately allowed to reenter the game. They wonder if it's maybe like when Rachel came back during BB12.

Kalia talks about appreciating the anger and passion in Jeff and I sigh knowing she's on another one of her "I love the sound of my voice" rants. When she's talking game, it's fine. I can accept it and I'll try to tolerate the valley girl accent. But when she's just talking to talk, it makes me a little insane. In the end, Adam says his goal is that a veteran does not win this game. That's all he cares about. He wants Kalia to understand that that includes Daniele as well. Daniele is still a veteran. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Whatever. Adam is a waste of space. He's nothing more than a poor casting choice. He'll go far, but that's only because he's too content not to do anything. I'll be surprised if he actually ever wins an HOH. His nonplaying skills rival that of Jordan. Oh my god, how much would it suck if Adam won BB13?

I'll leave you with that thought. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Bun Dusters

The giant lurchy hunched over king of the toe people has left the building and a miserable lip furling crimson haired soppy mess is left behind. Oh cruel and unfeeling world! To separate young love so callously, to rip the codependents from one another's arms, to keep nimble fingers and hands busy lowering a webcam just so... bless you heartless orb. Spinning through space with a mind of your own you often seem so impersonal, so cold. Today, you've shown us love. You can feel. Like William Shakespeare or Ramona Singer once said, "The earth has music for those who listen." Well, I'm listening Billy Boy and it sounds oh so sweet. Let's recap, shall we?

Kalia is our new HOH and never in my life would I have imagined I would be so happy about it. The house, like the fans, is decidedly split and I'm going to firmly take my stance on the side of Daniele Donato. She's not infalllible by any means. She's simply the lesser of many evils. I can't stand the whiny bullshit and the "blah blah blah's" make me want to stick my head into a vat of sulfuric acid, but she's better than Rachel. My god, she's better than Rachel.



So Brendon is gone and Rachel has an awful case of sads. Boo hoo hoo. Lick it up baby, lick it up. Wallow in your misery and get comfortable pumpkin. No one likes you. No one is rooting for you. The true measure of a woman is how she acts both when she wins and when she loses. When Rachel wins, she's an arrogant holier than thou asshole. When she loses, she blubbers and plays the victim. She blames the other Houseguests. She blames CBS. She blames everyone but herself. How can I root for someone like that? How can anyone root for someone like that? True to form, last night Rachel cried and insisted that CBS has rigged the competition in Dani's favor. Then again, she also thinks CBS rigged it for her to win and she accidentally screwed up. Look, I love myself a conspiracy theory and I do think that the POV player chips are rigged, but if anything was rigged last night - it was rigged in Rachel's favor. She's always done well in that particular competition. You have only you to blame Big Red so let the thick salty tequila tears stream down your face while none of us, NONE OF US, care.

As if this wasn't bad enough, Rachel launches into her "floater" rant. He's a floater, she's a floater, you're a floater, everyone everywhere (but Rachel) is a floater. Normally, I'm a big fan of f-words, but this floater business is a little out of control. A floater is someone who bounces back and forth from side to side of the house. They switch loyalties. They go where the power goes. The only floaters in this game up until now are Adam and Rachel. Adam has been, and always will be, a floater. Rachel floated last week when she wanted to rekindle her alliance with Daniele. To call Lawon and Kalia floaters anymore is to simply tell a bold faced lie. Lawon and Kalia have chosen their sides. As a matter of fact, Lawon chose his side well before Kalia chose hers. Just because someone isn't playing with you, Rachel, doesn't make them a floater. It makes them smart and intuitive and rational. We should make up a term for somone who willingly chooses to play with Rachel in the game of Big Brother. What could we call them? How about "Bun Dusters" or "Crumb Gobblers"? I don't know. Let me know. I'm sure we can think of something.



So there Rachel sat, crying and crying and crying. Jordan tried to cheer her up saying it's only 6 weeks until she can be reunited with her Frankensteinian boyfriend, but do you have any idea how many innocent women can find a penis in their email in 6 long weeks? A penis on the hour every hour comes to 1008 penises. That's a lot of dick! Furthermore, Jordan has been hanging out with Brenchel wayyyy too long. She's indulging Rachel in her "us v. them" bullshit and it's dulling her usually shiny happy dingbat veneer. Jordan is a nice girl, but you can't tell me that she doesn't see the ridiculousness in all of this? I mean, I know she's a little dim, but come on! Even Jeff looks at all the Brenchel bullshit with a roll of his eyes.



While Rachel cried and sizzled the sheets with her battery acid tears, Adam was in another room also crying. Yes, Adam. You see, this week is Adam's birthday and he really wanted to be HOH for it. He's also upset that he completely sucks at challenges and hasn't even come close to winning one. Well, I won't argue with you there Adam. I could maybe feel sympathy if you weren't such an awfully awful douchebag. That little dance you did last night? For crying out loud, it even made Julie uncomfortable! It wasn't funny and it wasn't cute. It was you mugging it up for the cameras again and contributing zero to the game at hand. To make matters worse, in between all the blubbering Adam whined about wanting a Tori Spelling birthday cake so he could eat chunks of her face. You know what? I'll bet you $1000 that Adam thinks CBS is scrambling behind the scenes to deliver him Tori Spelling in the backyard as a birthday present. I guarantee that's what he does all day. Instead of socializing and playing the game, he sits around and thinks CBS is planning amazingly wonderful 90210 surprises for the unlovable teddy bear. It's gross and it's transparent. To add insult to injury, I can see Adam easily squeezing through to the final four. If Rachel was really on an anti-floating campaign, she would have targeted Adam a loooooong time ago. Oh well Rachel -you snoooze, you lose.


What else? What else? Oh yeah Porsche cried too. It's dawning on her that Brendon, Rachel, Jeff & Jordan have been using her (ya think?) and she doesn't understand why Rachel keeps shooting her devil looks. Those aren't devil looks, Porsche. That's just her face. Porsche explains that she voted to keep Brendon in the game and she should be thanked not ostricized. Eh, Rachel is wrapped up in Rachel right now. She's too busy worrying if Brendon will figure out how to reconnect his Skype account than to worry about how Porsche is feeling. Could Porsche jump ship and join Dani's army? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. I hope so. Let's all kick Rachel while she down, right? *kicks a burgundy colored pillow until the stuffing oozes out*


Now let's talk a little bit about Coyote Ugly. Shelly's outfit was so Maria Bello last night. I couldn't wait for her to yell at the screaming frat boys and dump ice on their heads. Anyhow, Coyote Ugly knows she's in a tough spot. She teamed up with the Oldies earlier, but after Rachel's "f-bomb" last night on live TV, Shelly is a little more than mildly disgusted. I don't think she's disgusted enough to completely bail and join Dani, but I also don't think she'd miss Rachel if she were to suddenly disappear. Shady Shelly is a little nervous and you can tell. Her ass kissing is working overtime and the rent is due tomorrow. She didn't run to console Rachel. Instead, she hung out with Kalia and Dani. She mingled with Porsche. She put in a little face time with Adam. She's telling everyone to go ahead and be happy for their achievements. Celebrate! Cavort! Be proud! She'll support all the winners and hopefully, one day, she'll get to see her precious Josie. Girlfriend is working hard for the money and it'll be interesting to see if she talks herself right into a nomination.



Kalia gets her HOH room and it's basically a bunch of uninterested people watching a motormouth valley girl cry herself to kingdom come. Kalia opens her HOH door and completely loses her shit. Maybe it was all the macaroni and cheese in her fridge. I have no idea. There was a photo of her boyfriend that shocked everyone. Jordan thought he'd be preppy, but apparently he wasn't. Since I didn't catch it, I'll assume he looks exactly like the gentleman in the above photo. *flashes gang sign and bangs on chest*



Kalia reads her letter and it's a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo from some lady named Mamushka. Since I didn't see a photo of Mamushka, I will naturally assume she is the spitting of the woman in the above photo. She probably makes a mean borscht and doesn't take any lip from anybody. Mamushka for the win.

The night ends with Rachel trying to make a deal with Kalia. She says if Kalia doesn't nominate her this week, then Rachel won't go after her next week. It's probably true as I think Rachel has more of a vendetta with Daniele than she does Kalia. Kalia refuses to give Rachel a definitive answer and keeps saying that she doesn't know what she's going to do yet. Rachel congratulates her repeatedly and tells her she should proud of herself for taking out as many Oldies as she did. It's a thinly veiled insult wrapped in kiss assness and I'm pretty sure Kalia isn't falling for it. But, who knows? Kalia suffers a little bit from the Brenchel Bravado. She likes to gloat when she wins so any and all compliments coming her way are probably embraced and then eaten... whole.

I'm going to end this here as my car is finally ready and I've got to go pick it up. I expect the entire house to visit Kalia in the HOH before nominations and lots of incessant rambling from both Kalia's ass and mouth. It'll be interesting to see who she nominates along with Rachel. Will it be Jeff? Shelly? Jordan as a pawn? We'll see. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!