I'm Not Gonna Be Ignored, Amber!

Love. It's fickle. It's prickly. It tears at your heart and bedazzles your jeans. And sometimes, sometimes, it doesn't even exist at all. You attempt to look at it and touch it and smell it, but it's just not there. You squint your eyes and try to force it to materialize, but love does what love wants, not what you want it to do. She's a headstrong force that marches to her own drummer, that love. Try to interrupt her staccato thumps and the beat goes out of tune. It gets jumbled and confused, like an opening of Homeland. Its cohesiveness melts and gels and lumps and coagulates into a festering globule of yearning. Unrequited yearning with Aqua Velva top notes and sweaty desperate base notes. You have to let love make all the choices. If she flies away to the nearest police station to file a restraining order, let her go. Let her go. Let's recap shall we?

Let's get all the morning stuff out of the way quickly because the night... well, it belongs to lovers. Ok so Saturday night, Diva (Devin) and Brittany had a ridiculous conversation about bedsheets and lotion and what a saint Diva thinks he is. Brittany wanted to mend fences with Diva, but it was Diva's daughter's birthday which is high holy holiday in some parts of the country. Long story short, Diva is a psycho and it is absolutely impossible to reason with him because he's always right. Always.

So Sunday morning, Diva, who, if you'll remember, swore he'd never talk about the game anymore because it takes way too much out of him and makes him all emotional, recaps the bedsheets and lotion conversation to Frankie... again. Basically, Diva wants Frankie and the rest of his boy band to remind everyone in the house what a teddy bear Diva is on the inside. Frankie, however, wants to stay out of it. He tells Diva that he thinks it's best not to stir shit up again and that he'd rather stay out of the bedsheets and lotion drama. Diva then turns to him and whines, "But your'e already in it!"

Frankie advises Diva to cool it for a bit because he's worried that Diva will now be a target in the house. (Side Note: After last night's episode, how could Diva not be a target... of his own alliance?!) Diva clearly doesn't like hearing this and reminds Frankie how he has loaned his sweatshirts to everyone. Everyone! Sweatshirts! I don't know if you're aware, but down in Texas where Diva is from loaning out a sweatshirt you're not even using is the first step in canonization.

Meanwhile, Creepy Caleb is upstairs puttin' on his POV Ceremony duds (no shirt, skinny jeans, beanie) when he comments, "My old lady is lookin' good this mornin'!" If you've been following the drama of The Bold & The Nutty As A Fruitcake, Caleb is referring to Amber. He has claimed her as his own and fantasizes daily about possessing her. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but... BOXING HELENA.

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The Live Feeds then go down for the POV Ceremony and, no surprises here, Joey has been put on the block as Donny's replacement. When the feeds return, everyone is hugging it out and the atmosphere is surprisingly calm. Caleb keeps up his story that the house insisted Joey go on the block and Joey tells him, "No hard feelings." Payola (Paola), however, is nervous. She thinks Joey might pull something out of her ass and end up staying in the house, but everyone from Caleb to Donny has been advising Payola to lay low, be quiet, and don't do anything until Joey is safely out of the house. I don't necessarily blame Payola for being nervous - anyone on the block should be nervous - but as of right now, chances are that she'll be staying in the house.

Now, Caleb takes his HOH duties very seriously and likes to recap the agony of his decision to anyone and everyone who'll listen. Finally, Derrick speaks up and tells Caleb that his job is over now. There is nothing more for him to do this week, but lay low. Naturally, Caleb didn't like hearing this. He wants to talk ad nauseam about how "the house" wanted Joey up on the block and how "he didn't have a choice", blah blah blah. Dude, stick a cork in it! Derrick is right. Your job is done. Chill.

The rest of the day was fairly low key with most of the house sunbathing, napping and Caleb reminding everyone just how misjudged he is. Not a day goes by when Caleb doesn't remind us how all of his life, even as a baby out of his mother's womb, people have judged him for his tattoos. Why, in preschool, the teacher would put a dunce cap on him and send him to the corner because she was offended by his tramp stamp. And when young Caleb tried to join the Boy Scouts of America, they slammed their doors in his face. Wanna know why? Because of that pesky "No Tribal Tattoos" rule. That's why!

But if we fast forward to the wee hours of the morn, we find what we've been waiting for. For days Caleb has been planning on professing his love to Amber. He was going to do it Friday, then Saturday, and it just never panned out. Well, grab yourselves a rape whistle, kiddies, because we finally got our scene!

At about 2am we find Caleb and Amber up in the HOH room. The scene begins...

Caleb: "Um, I like you OK."
Amber: "OK"
Caleb: "You and I have already been over how neither of us want to have a showmance in the house."
Amber: "Ooookayyy..."
Caleb: "To me, showmances are things that happen on TV and then that's it. That's how I see a showmance."
Amber: "Yeah."
Caleb: "Showmances are for 9 million people to see for a very short time."
Amber: "Right."
Caleb: "And that's not how I see you. I don't see that."
Amber: "No, no, no. I don't do showmances."
Caleb: "Good. Cuz I don't either."

Dude, that's her telling you she doesn't want a romance with you!

Caleb: "But... *adjusts his hat and laughs*, I don't know if I'm seein' what I'm seein' or if I'm seein' somethin' incorrectly. (Yes, incorrectly) But... *giggles* it sounds cheesy, but... *laughs some more*"
Amber: *starts laughing*
Caleb: "I don't know, it's just funny. I haven't had this conversation in like over 4 years."

It is at this point that I crawled underneath my couch and carefully peered out through my fingers as Caleb began to tell Amber how he sees her differently than he sees other people. Other than her being gorgeous, he likes it when he sees her reading the Bible and giving other people scripture. He likes that she has morals. Amber shifts uncomfortably on the bed and thanks him, "Thank you. Those are very kind words."

Run Amber, run!

Caleb tells her that this is all very simple since neither of them want a showmance. He awkwardly adjusts his hat again and tells her that there's a certain way she looks at him and she does it all the time. She's not alone though because he leers, I mean, looks at her all the time too. He says they're both always looking at each other and everyone in the house notices it. For example, she glances over his head to wave at the person behind him while, let's say, he crawls on his hands and knees staring up underneath the shower door at her.

Hearing all of this, Amber is completely confused. She denies looking at him differently than she looks at everyone else. Caleb simply shakes his head and tells her that she's wrong. Wrong! She definitely looks at him differently and everyone knows it.

Caleb continues and tells her that there is a totally a vibe between them that they'll happily continue when this is all over and he's chopped her appendages off so she can't run away. Amber scratches her head and replies, "This is all news to me."

And then this is the face Caleb made.

His voice cracks and he asks, "It is?" After a solid second and a half of listening to the voices in his head, Caleb confidently poo-poo's Amber's insistence that NOTHING AT ALL is going on and tells her that he started liking her when he started to see who she really is - a Bible reader!

Amber says nothing as he continues and relays how when he talked to Payola for those 5 hours the other day about Amber, she was stunned to discover just how romantic and sensitive Caleb really is. It takes a dedicated man to chain a girl up in his basement.

Caleb then tells Amber that he wants to date her in California and take her to the movies or whatever people do in California. Do they hang out of trees and watch girls change in their bedrooms in California? Probably. It's a pretty progressive state. He continues and tells her that he wants to know more about her than he already knows - like where she'll be every minute of the day, what she thinks about, everyone she speaks to. That's all he's saying really. He reminds her that this isn't just him. EVERYONE in the house is speaking about their love too.

Amber listens to all of this and really has nothing to say in response so Caleb continues. He then tells her how he gets vibes (in his pants) from her whenever he walks into a room that she's in. Not only does he get vibes (in his pants), but she immediately leaves the room just as he's entering it. He tells her that it must be because she doesn't want everyone else to know how her loins are burning for him.

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Amber then carefully clears her throat and apologizes to him for leaving the room when he enters. She didn't realize she did that. Caleb quickly reminds her that she indeed does and that it is because of her insatiable lust for him. She may not realize it, but he does and that's all that matters. In a tiny voice, Amber again thanks him for his kind words. She then gets fidgety on the bed and tells him that she's incredibly thirsty. She moves to get up, but he pins down her ankle with his hand. Amber says, "I'm really thirsty. I just want to be everyone's friend." Caleb says, "At least your head is somewhere (and will be safely stuffed in the HOH fridge shortly). That's all that matters."

Amber laughs and tells Caleb that he's being so awkward. (Watch yourself, girl. He'll cut your tongue out if you laugh at him.) Caleb replies and says that she's the awkward one because she's continues this masquerade of denying her love for him. Amber then tries to head for the door, but Caleb stops her and says that he heard through the grapevine that she said something about having a date with him. Amber literally has no idea what the hell he's talking about. Caleb insists she said it to various people in the house. Amber admits to saying something about Hayden and Nicole dating but not her and Caleb. Finally, as Caleb moves his hands to adjust his camo hat, Amber darts out the door and disappears into the night.

And scene!

Was it good for you? Oh my god, that was so painful. I feel like I need a shower or something.

Later, Amber tells the girls that Caleb professed his love to her and how she felt so awkward. She says, "I don't like him!"

And then Jocasta laughed and made this face. Thank you Jocasta. We all needed that.

And that's where we'll end this for today. Is Joey a goner? Should Amber lock her door at night? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

And seriously, do the free trial. I can't wait to see how Caleb explains all of this to his brahs.

'Roids, Bedazzles and Extensions. Oh My!

It has been much too long since we have all been together so I'd like everyone to please close their eyes and grab the hand of the person next to them. Feel their energy leaving their hand and entering yours. Feel their love, their generosity, their kindness, and the childlike joy they feel at the start of a new Big Brother season. Now I'd like you to bathe your neighbor in a healing pink light. Imagine the light shooting up their appendages and down their phalanges. Picture it darting this way and that, hither and thither. Now I want you to imagine that light darkening. Pink to Magenta. Magenta to Maroon. Maroon to a deep Burnt Siena - just like the crayon. The pink is now a rancid and goopy sludge ball of hate and anger. It fills your neighbor with frustration and anxiety. It churns and burns those core embers of dissatisfaction. And now, open your eyes! Turn to your right and SMACK THAT BITCH UP! We don't do hippy dippy mediations here, you silly rabbits. We talk smack!

Welcome back, lovers! Did you miss me? Of course you did! It's been 9 long months and I've given birth to an insatiable lust for a scandalous new Big Brother season. Let's recap, shall we?

Before we dive in to all the shenanigans that have taken place over the past 24 hours, there is a little housecleaning we need to tend to. Important things you need to know. First off, Frankie and Caleb were our two HOH's. Frankie nominated Brittany and Victoria while Caleb nominated Donny and Payola (Paola). In the Battle of the Block where our 4 nominees competed, Brittany and Victoria won making Frankie's HOH null and void. That leaves us with Caleb as our sole HOH and Donny and Payola as our nominees. I know, it's all a big jumbled mess, but hopefully this wiggedy-whack twist disappears in a few weeks.

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And this brings us to yesterday morning. This is all going to be very confusing at first so try to keep up as best you can. Godspeed.

The day begins with all of the HG's preparing themselves mentally and physically for the coming POV comp. Brittany attacks her braided side ponytail with staccato bursts of hairspray while Devin, hereafter known as "Diva," decides to have a word in the HOH with his alliance buddies. The one big alliance in the house is known as the Bomb Squad and it is comprised of Frankie, Caleb, Diva, Derrick, Zach, Cody, Amber and Christine. Within the big alliance are several sub-alliances. For example, all of the men are the REAL Bomb Squad, but Diva likes strength in numbers so he brought in some girls (Amber and Christine). Within the smaller Bomb Squad is the Final Two team of Zach and Frankie. We'll just call them Zankie. To the side of that are the Double D's who are Diva and Donny. And then I think there's a Final Four of Frankie, Zach, Diva and Caleb and a Final Two of Diva and Caleb. If you can keep all of that straight, bless your heart.

OK so Diva goes up to the HOH room to speak with Frankie and Caleb. He's having all these mixed up icky feelings inside about his place in the game. So far he has managed to piss off all of the girls over a bed exchange drama (which will be covered in detail on tonight's Big Brother Gossip Show!), is already thinking about dissolving his secret alliance with Donny, and he's missing his daughter's birthday which is tearing him up inside. Add all of that up plus the agony over whom to evict this week (which isn't even his decision) and Diva is a soppy mess. After weighing the pros and cons of everything under the sun, Diva tells Frankie and Caleb that he thinks Joey should be backdoored and sent home.

Remember back in Episode 1 when the girls (Payola, Joey, Nicole and Amber) formed the very masculine-named El Quatro. Well, the lady lover herself, Joey, basically blabbed about El Quatro to the men which sort of makes it all but nonexistent now. Diva thinks that since everyone is all ticked off at Joey for spilling El Quatro's beans, it'll be no big deal to send her home this week.

Previously, the plan had been to get rid of Donny provided he doesn't win POV this week. For some strange reason, the Bomb Squad has gotten it in their heads that Donny is some sort of genius wizard. They think that underneath all that hair and the thick southern drawl is a genius of epic proportions. These dummies are absolutely convinced that since Donny is 44 years old, he must be a Professor.

So, Diva tells Frankie and Caleb that Payola should definitely stay this week because not only is she a weak player, but she has the potential to cause a lot of riffs in the house. He also tells them that he's well aware of how hard he's playing in the game thus far, but he says he has to. I'm not sure why this is - maybe it's residual bed drama anxiety? Who knows.

Diva then says that if Donny doesn't win the POV, they can get whoever wins to pull him off if he promised not to put up 8 certain people (Bomb Squad) and instead promises to put up 1 of a certain 7 (everyone else in the house). Not only is this the dumbest thing my ears have ever heard, but it's the dumbest thing Frankie has ever heard. Frankie tells Diva point blank that a plan like that blows everything because it outs the Bomb Squad to Donny who is oh so smart and dangerous. Frankie says regarding Donny, "He's a genius. A fucking genius!" Caleb nods in agreement and says that Donny is "freaking dangerous." All of this is pretty hysterical because the guy is a total pussy cat.

Frankie tries his best to calm Diva down by telling him that there is no way they can put up one of their 8. If they put up someone in their own alliance, that person will be so pissed off that they'll tell the rest of the house about the Bomb Squad. He says when they put up one of their own it will be only when 8 people are left in the house. Until then, they have to put up someone outside of their own alliance.

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All of this is in one ear and out the other when it comes to Diva. Instead of realizing the rationale of not putting up one of his own alliance, he changes the subject back to himself and how oh so emotional this all is for him. I swear this guy is on his period. Diva then begins to whine about how he knows the person who plays the hardest goes home early, but he has to play hard because he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. *looks around the room confused*

Diva then comments about how close Amber is to Donny and how they definitely have to split them up. Ok wait a minute. Now even I'm confused. Diva is supposed to be trying to save Donny. Also, he's the one who brought Amber into the Bomb Squad! Common sense be damned! Everyone everywhere worries Diva so the hell with them all.

With the mention of Amber, Frankie reveals that he is incredibly unsure of her. He says they shouldn't push Amber to vote one way or another this week. They'll just let her vote how she wants to vote. Amber is a delicate flower that can't be bent or she'll snap. Of course all of this sends Diva into another shit fit. He replies, "But then we won't have the majority (if Amber votes to keep Donny and he stays)! Confused yet? I know, right? Diva went up there with the intention of getting rid of Joey and now he's paranoid if Donny lingers any longer. Anyhow, Diva says that Amber gets a pissy face if you disagree with her on anything having to do with morality. Frankie says the easy way to remedy that is to simply never disagree with her.

Eventually, Diva gathers up his petticoats and parasol and mopes his way back downstairs. When Caleb finally leaves is when Zach heads up to the HOH to check in with his Final Two buddy. Frankie and Zach compare notes real quick and make sure their both still on the same page. Frankie tells Zach that Diva is freaking out over Amber and whether or not Donny will stay in the house this week. Zach is surprised that Diva is freaking out over Amber considering she's not really in the real Bomb Squad. They then joke about how Diva will never win an HOH unless it's a bench pressing comp.

Then the Feeds go down and it's POV time!

With the magic of time and space and the "return" button on my keyboard, the POV is over and, in the grand tradition of BB upsets, DONNY HAS WON POV! Let's check in on Diva and see how he's doing...

Oh dear. Poor Diva.

Apparently, the POV comp was a spelling comp and Donny won with the word "Splitters." Payola failed miserably trying to spell "Calculator." Never mind all that. Now Caleb has to come up with a replacement nominee. His grand master flash plan is to check in with everyone in the house and ask them who should go home this week. He makes sure to tell everyone ad nauseam that he's not the one picking the replacement, they are. You see, since everyone is pretty much onboard with getting rid of blabbermouth Joey, they'll all be picking Caleb's choice anyways. Caleb thinks it's the perfect way to get what he wants done without getting any blood on his hands.

First he meets with Brittany who tells him that she wants Diva gone. He's caused too many problems in the house and he bothers people. Caleb poo-poo's the idea of Diva going on the block and gently suggests that Joey go up instead. But remember it's not his idea. It's everyone's idea but his. Brittany tells him point blank that if Joey goes up on the block in Donny's place, she'll vote out Payola. She also explains to Caleb that the reason the girl's alliance started in the first place is because a certain ring leader (Payola) saw the boys getting tight and thought it was best that the girls get together as a preventative measure.

Next up is Amber. Amber has grown close to Donny and doesn't buy the boys' reason for going after him in the first place. Caleb replies that Donny just won the POV and beat them all. Amber calmly says, "Because he can spell." Amber thinks Joey should go up on the block and then go home. Amber says that Payola is weak and won't win anything. Caleb then questions Amber and wonders if maybe she's protecting Payola because they're best friends.

Alright, we need to stop for a brief station identification. Caleb has the hots for Amber. Now I'm not talking about a crush or googly eyes or puppy love. I'm talking full on stalker "I'm going to possess her and make her mine forever" kind of a thing. He's obsessed with her and how she reads the Bible and only lives an hour away from him. Count on him knocking her over the head with a blunt object and then dragging her home to meet his parents.

So when you asks yourselves why Caleb is giving Amber attitude over wanting Payola to stay in the game (which is what he wants too) just know that it's basically him being a 7 year old boy and punching her in the arm because he likes her.

Even weirder still, the way Caleb feels about Amber is similar to the way he feels about Diva. When Brittany or others suggest that they want Diva to go up on the block, Caleb doesn't want to hear it. Diva is his brah. They work out and count calories together. There is no way Caleb will put him on the block. I shit you not. He literally said, "We count calories together." Amazing!

Frankie then enters the Hive and Caleb just won't let go of how Brittany had the nerve to suggest that he put Diva on the block. He mimics her in a girls voice and says, "Diva will make this house a living hell for 3 months!" Frankie solemnly says that they'll be getting that from a lot of people. Caleb doesn't care. He insists that Diva is not going home.

And then we fast forward to a very strange and awkward scene. We find Victoria fresh out of the shower sitting in front of the mirror in her robe and crying. Frankie enters and asks her what's going on. It turns out that 2 years ago, Victoria had a cascading waterfall of perfect hair, but for a reason she won't share with us, it fell out and now she has to wear extensions. Even her best guy friends have no idea she wears extensions! She was known for her hair. But now, in the house, she'll have to adjust them or unhook them or take them out or I don't know what. She's crying because she doesn't want people to think she's ugly without her extensions. Here's the thing, Victoria really isn't all that conventionally pretty to begin with. If we're being honest, she has quite a large nose. But, you know what? I like her. I know people think I'm nuts, but I kind of dig her. She's more than her nose or her stupid hair. In her pre-show interviews, I found her to be well-traveled, cosmopolitan and sexy in a different kind of a way. Unfortunately for Victoria, she's OBSESSED with the superficial and almost didn't even come on the show because of her hair woes. For the record, I knew immediately that her hair was extensions. Frankie, however, didn't and does his best to cheer up his best friend in the house. It's very sweet and you can tell that Frankie genuinely cares for Victoria. They're tight personally more than they are strategically. But in the way Caleb won't ever get rid of Diva. Frankie won't ever get rid of Victoria.

Finally it is Joey's turn to meet with Caleb. Joey freely admits that it's her own fault for getting herself in the compromising position she finds herself in. Her reaction to going up is sort of a flippant, "Oh well! What can you do?" Caleb, for the hundredth time in an hour, reiterates how he isn't the one making the decision whom to nominate. It's everyone else in the house. He is simply doing their bidding.

Meanwhile, over in the Living Room, Diva is confessing to Donny that he had some sort of addiction issues that cut his baseball career short. If you'll remember pre-season, he claimed he left baseball because he missed his daughter too much. I, for one, didn't believe that for a second. I knew, I just knew, that there was a juicy story behind it. And there was! It turns out that his teammates couldn't put up with him anymore (no surprises there) and they released him from his contract before suggesting that he head to rehab. We don't know what he was in rehab for, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was for the 'Roids. Diva talked about being next to heroin addicts who were puking their guts out. Donny, always a gentlemen, nods and thanks Diva for sharing his story with him.

Let's head back on upstairs for another Zankie meeting. Since they last met, Donny has won the POV and everyone still hates Diva. The two discuss how Donny is a legitimate threat. They also both agree how Payola is not only the weakest of the bunch, but will totally implode at some point in the game. Frankie then tells Zach how Brittany is out for blood (by wanting Diva out?). He also confesses that he will never put up or vote out Victoria.

Zach then turns on that charm we heard so much about. In every pre-show interview Zach was very proud of his uncanny skill to make people feel good about themselves. And here is where we get to see it firsthand. Zach tells Frankie that his social game is impeccable and that he needs to keep doing what he's been doing. Frankie appreciates that and wants Zach to let him know if people start talking about him. It's all very bromantic and, might I say, sweet?

Before I sign off for the day, I want to touch once more on Caleb's freaky attraction to Amber. After discussing her every move with most of the gentlemen in the house, Caleb has come to the decision that tonight is the night he will declare his love for her. He puts on, what I can only describe as, his bedazzled dungarees and a camo hat. This must be a seduction outfit that has worked for him in the past. And god bless him because there is no way any man should ever be caught dead in jeans like THAT. Nonetheless! These are his wooing duds and woo he shall. Only, I don't think he ever got to do it. The night, from what I've been able to catch up on, was fairly tame with a house meditation and lots of jovial rehashes of how silly Payola was in the comp. We had another episode of Diva being whiny and emotional over how much work he's done in the game so far and how he's not going to do anymore. Ever! He's going to sit and pout about it instead. Good! Maybe we'll finally get him to shut up.

So that's where I'll end off today. For all the nitty gritty details I may have missed and house shenanigans from today, be sure to catch the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10pm! If you can't catch it live, you can always download it for free on iTunes or listen via Stitcher. I'll post links, etc, on my both my Twitter and Facebook.

I'll probably be taking Sundays and Thursdays off as far as the blog is concerned. We'll see. But if you don't find a blog here tomorrow, that's why. Prepping and recording the podcast takes a lot out of me and I'm never quite caught up on house drama by Sunday morning. Since Thursdays are evictions, that's another good day for me to take a mid-week break. Trust me, I need a few days to myself or else I'll burn out.

Until next time, will Caleb kill Amber and keep her head in the HOH fridge? Will Diva ever not be emotional? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you haven't signed up for the Live Feeds yet, you should! Trust me, both Diva and Caleb are going to crack or kill someone. You don't want to miss it!