Saturday, September 5, 2009

Bride Of Chucky

Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a mythical magical creature. Where she came from no one knows, but her powers of manipulation are legendary. They are what nightmares and anxiety attacks are made of. Little innocent children grow up hearing about this evil being and they are sure to eat all their vegetables and obey their parents so they will never cross paths with this malignant creature. Sometimes, at night, if you listen very closely you can hear her growl and snarl off in the distance. Tiny little drops of acidic drool sparkle in the weeds like fresh dew drops killing innocent squirrels and chipmunks. Her origin may be unkown, but where she is now is well documented. Her name is The Ragamuffin and she lives in the Big Brother house. Grab your holy water and your pixie sticks because we're going to analyze her to death today. Literally... to the death!

Once again the Ragamuffin went over her nomination speeches. She still has big plans for calling Michele out and labeling her "the devil". I knew power would go to her head. No one else has ever stressed or prepared this much for what will inevitably be only 2 small sentences on the CBS show. I do the same thing though. I'll blow up the teeniest tiniest thing and make it all about me as much as possible. Could it be I'm part Ragamuffin or simply an innocent and lovely attention seeker? Let's go with the latter and never mention that "part Ragamuffin" thing ever again. So yes, Ragamuffin is rehearsing and rehearsing. I put the gist of it in yesterday's post and I'm not retyping that shit again. I'll just mention my favorite part, "Making a deal with you is like making a deal with Satan herself."

So the feeds go down and we all think it's nomination time. We're poised for a nomination ceremony backlash. I was primed for another Michele Green Room breakdown. Did I get it? No. No I did not, but I got oh so much more. I got Pandora's Box bitches! OK so here is what I can gather. Ragamuffin was in the HOH trying to stop her mouth from foaming. Michele and Kevin were lying down half asleep and Jordan was somewhere basting a turkey. In walks a little person - and by little person I mean midget - dressed as a baby. He walks up to Kevin and says, "Mama? Baba?" He asks Michele if she's her mother. A man dressed like a cat or carrying a cat also enters the house. A lady dressed as a roach begins to spray something everywhere. The baby kept following Jordan around and it freaked her out because apparently this was a VERY smelly baby. Odd, right? Right.

The HG's get all confused/excited and they make a lot of noise. Suddenly, deep in the bowels of the HOH, the Ragamuffin can be heard screaming about losing $500,000. She storms downstairs pissed off about losing the money and not being able to play in the POV. She disappears in the DR and this is when the feeds come back on. We see her emerge from the DR and go sit outside with the others. All the freaky visitors are now gone and everyone is just simply confused at this point. Ragamuffin plops down and says, "Don't ask me about Pandora's Box. I don't want to talk about it." Michele, Kevin, and Jordan look at each other quizically and wonder what the hell she's talking about. They gossip about the stinky baby and Ragamuffin chimes in, "There’s always a bad side to Pandora’s Box. Always a bad side. Not always will $10,000 fall from the sky.” Jordan begins to talk about the Roach Lady spraying her with something and says, "She kept targeting me!" Ragamuffin interjects, "Dude if Jeff were here, he would have freaked out."

Ragamuffin begins to talk about how she can't play in the POV and how it's completely game changing. She's acting furious and pissy and I'm thinking it's because this time around Pandora's Box was only evil. She also has an evil smirk on her face and this is where I reach for the Xanax. I know she's up to something. I just don't know what. She announces that she needs a few minutes to reflect before the nomination ceremony and she gets up and goes inside. Jordan says to the others, "She's acting really weird." Michele says, "It's ridiculous she has to think before nominations. There's only one person who doesn't get nominated." Jordan suspects that Natalie is lying about something.

Kevin is equally confused, but he gets up to go inside and spray air freshener everywhere.

Eventually, he makes his way upstairs and has a very serious talk with a Ragamuffin who is dressing herself up in a Queen costume. Kevin tells Natalie that she better tell someone something about Pandora's Box because it’s coming across as if she has a Mystery Power of some sort and now no one wants to take her to the Final 2. He tells her how the girls outside think she's up to something and isn't telling the truth. He says as her friend he’s advising her to come up with something to put Michele at ease because the way Natalie's acting is highly suspicious. She led them to believe that she lost the $500,000 and Kevin says "We all know that if Natalie lost $500,000, she’d be breaking windows so you better come up with something fast."

Kevin says, “If that were me and I just lost $500,000, I’d be like 'Big Brother fuck this shit give me a fucking answer right now' and you’re not doing that which means that there’s some weird ass Mystery Power thing going on and it’s making everyone think, 'We don’t want to fuck around with this.' You know what I’m saying? So if I were you I’d come up with something.”
Natalie asks, “Something like what?”
Kevin replies, “I don’t know but you have to come up with something.”
Natalie, “Help me out here Kevin.”
Kevin, “I don’t know cuz I haven’t had time to think about it, but it better be something good.”
Natalie says that maybe she’ll go tell everyone it was nothing and they all "got got".
Kevin says go ahead and make up a Hawaiian trip or something. It needs to be something believable.
Nat tells Kevin to help her out. He says she has more info than he does.

Then it happens. Ragamuffin says, "You want to know the truth?" Oh dear god. Hide your infants and valuables. Put on your rubber safety suits and get ready to ponder the mystery of fact vs. fiction. Here is the Ragamuffin's explanation of what went down:

“The honest to god truth is everything I said was true… unleash something good or unleash something bad… but it also said that for the first time in Big Brother history ever you can spend time with a loved one inside the Big Brother house… it said if you choose to open the box you release something. If you choose to open the door you would not be able to play in tomorrow’s veto competition. It also said there was a clue as to who I’d be able to spend time with and on the tv screen was a picture of my boyfriend."

I'll pause for everyone to finely tune their bullshit detectors.

Ragamuffin says she chose to go in the door and her boyfriend was there. She spent 20 minutes with him and he PROPOSED to her. He gave her a twisty tie for a ring. She took it off and put it in her bag in the bathroom. She says to Kevin, “That’s the honest to god’s truth. I swear on our friendship.” Kevin replies,”Why would you hide that?”

She asks him if she should tell everyone else and Kevin says, "Yeah you just bragged about some Mystery Power and now everyone is thinking you're Jeff." Ragmuffin tells him it's true she can’t play in POV though. Kevin's face is completely confused. You can tell he has NO idea if she's telling the truth. You can also tell that the fact that she's not playing in the POV has just crushed his soul. Without that POV, Kevin is most likely gone this week. At the mere thought of this I kick Mr. O'Shaugnessy in the chin. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

Ragamuffin takes off her Queen costume and retrieves her twisty tie from the bathroom. She goes downstairs and announces that she's pranked them all, “You all got got by a 18 year old!”
She tells them, "I swear on my life, I swear on my game, I swear on everything about me." LOL We all know that means shit basically. She insists that everyone admit to her that she got them good before she explains anything. Jordan and Michele are just totally confused and they look into her eyes and hypnotically nod.

Ragamuffin says that she got 2 envelopes in the HOH.
Envelope #1 said openig Pandora's Box can unleash something good or bad on the house and something good or bad on you [Natalie].
Envelope #2 said that this has never happened ever in Big Brother history. For the first time ever you can spend time with a loved one inside house. If you choose to open Pandora's Box, you cannot compete in tomorrows veto competition. She tells them her clue as to who would visit was a photo of her boyfriend.

Ragamuffin then retells the whole story she told Kevin about the proposal and the twisty tie.
Jordan says, “Is this a joke?”
Ragamuffin replies, "It’s the honest gods truth.” (Why does she put "honest" before "god"? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"
She explains while she was in Pandora's Box she had no idea what was going on inside the house. A voice came on and said, “Natalie. Jason. You’re time is up.” Jordan asked her if she cried and Ragmuffin said no, but her boyfriend did.

She said that after it was done and he left, she couldn’t leave her room. She heard everyone screaming so she started screaming too about losing $500,000.
Michele says, “OK so you just got proposed to and you decide to prank us after you got proposed to?”
Jordan says, “I feel like you’re tricking us... that guy really did stink up this house.”

Jordan twists her hair and continues, “Oh my god! If that’s true, it’s awesome.”

This is where Ragamuffin begins to weave an intricate tale of either lies or truths. I seriously have NO idea.

She says Jason (her boyfriend) told her everyone at home watches her and supports her. He watched her on the feeds last night in the HOH room looking at his picture. Her dad has no idea he's there right now and he tells her he watches the live feed all the time.
She describes how he had on a red shirt, black pants, and dress shoes. He got down on one knee when he proposed and he asked her father for her hand in marriage on the night Big Brother premiered. There was sushi in the room as well, but they didn’t eat it.
Ragamuffin interrupts her factual/totally fake story and says, “I still got you all. Admit that I’m the prank queen of the house”

She's in the middle of telling everyone how she just got engaged and all she can think about is how she pranked everyone? In actuality, she didn't prank anyone at all. Everyone was suspicious of her shenanigans from the get go. I've never been engaged (the thought frightens the shit out of me), but I would imagine it would be a pretty big deal and that you'd freak out over it. Ragamuffin, on the other hand, just wants to be known as the "Prank Queen". I can't figure her out and I pop two more Xanax.

Ragamuffin again starts talking about the proposal and that when Jason's dad proposed to his mom he didn't have enough money for a ring so he proposed with a twisty tie. OK now that's believable, right? Romantic and sappy and pathetic, but believable. He also told her that he got vacation time off right after the show ends so they can go away together. Hmmm that's also believable, right?

Here's where things get a little iffy. Ragamuffin said that Big Brother told them that they couldn't talk about game play at all. Makes complete sense to me. Then she says she asked Jason if it was a good move to get rid of Jeff. Jason told her it was and then BB came on the speaker and said, "Jason you cannot talk about game." Why would Natalie even risk asking such a question? Later in the evening she'll also say how Jason told her that America doesn't like her. Again, that's the kind of information that CBS wouldn't want her to have. On the flipside, I honestly think Natalie thinks deep down that America likes her. Either she's telling the truth because that fact that America dislikes her is 100% fact OR she's lying in an effort to get taken to the Final 2. Is she simply trying to convince Michele and Jordan that she has no chance of getting America's 7th vote? I don't know! She makes me crazy and I'm almost running out of Xanax over here. Mr. O'Shaugnessy, I need you to make a run to the pharmacy. I'll need Diazepam, Lorazepam, Clonazepam, and Alporazepam... anything with "pam" in it I'll need. Yes, that includes Pam cooking spray. I'll be cooking my brains later so it'll come in handy.

Ragamuffin then goes on to say that they had a little make out session of course. I refuse to believe this one. I'm sorry, but I can't picture a Ragamuffin having sexy time. She then says, "I went down in history! On Big Brother I got proposed to!” A) It's happened before with Boogie and that southern chick whose name I can't remember. B) Who worries about BB history when they're engaged?

She continues and says she doesn’t get along with Jason's mom and sisters, but she hopes now she does because he’ll be her husband. OK this I totally believe. I have no doubt that his family can't stand her. All of you parents of sons out there, would you like them to marry a Ragamuffin? Hell no. I rest my case.

She describes how Jason told her that he and her dad went out and got the stuff for her HOH basket. Big Brother didn’t do it at all. This completely floors Jordan. She totally thought BB did it. OK now is this a lie or is this truth? If it's a lie, it's so random and ill fitting to the story that I have to question the motive. If it's truth, it's so random and ill fitting to the story that it almost makes sense. *shoves a letter opener up my nose*

They all go outside and continue to talk about the Ragamuffin's engagement. Natalie repeats the story over and over and she had a look on her face that makes me question all that is good and evil in the world. I ask you, is this a face you can trust?

Shortly after, the feeds go down and we get nominations. She has put Michele and Kevin on the block for nomination. Her target is most definitely Michele and she thinks these nominations will give her the best odds.

Afterwards Kevin pouts in the backyard pretending to be mad at Natalie. Jordan just sits there wide eyed eating her hand. Natalie tells Kevin she understands he must be mad. She blames Lydia for telling her that Kevin thought she was the queen in the chess analogy. Kevin says he doesn't understand why he's getting blamed for the whole chess conversation because Casey came up with that too (lie). The whole conversation is weirdly calm and polite and I wouldn't believe it either.

It turns out the Ragamuffin made good on her vow to out Michele. She delivered her devil speech and you can tell that Michele is visibly annoyed but she's trying to play it off like she isn't. Ragamuffin out right tells her her motives were personal with the speech, but she still wants Kevin gone this week. Michele nods and says she understands. She's lying.

They all decide to have a fashion show with their new clothes and they go inside to change into their "before" outfits. Kevin gets called to the DR while they're setting up the runway. While sitting around the couch. Jordan tells Natalie how she didn't believe her when she said she got engaged. Ragamuffin says she'd never lie about something like that and she goes into more detail about what happened. Apparently, her boyfriend told her that he reads all the online blogs (could mine be one of them?) and that most of them don't like her at all. She said, "He says I have a lot of haters." She says how she thinks America must not like her because she was so tight with Jessie and that America hates Jessie. Uh no Ragamuffin. You've earned your hate all on your own. OK now this info is another red flag. Big Brother would NEVER allow that information to be divulged. Even Ross Matthews in his interviews can't tell the HG's too much about how America felt.

They end the conversation with Ragmuffin cementing her Final 2 deal with Jordan. Kevin comes out of the DR and they go to the kitchen to make dinner. Ragamuffin gets called to the DR and Kevin immediately tells Michele and Jordan that he's convinced Ragamuffin is up to something and that she has a Mystery Power. He says, "Who gets proposed to and thinks about this stuff?" They're all suspicious that no one in the DR has asked them about the engagement. They say they'll figure it out tomorrow when they see if Natalie plays in the POV. They wonder if the POV is a reversal game. Like the Bizarro world. Whoever wins POV will have to go home. When Ragamuffin finally returns she's still off and running with the engagement story only now she wants CBS to pay for her wedding like that Bachelorette got her wedding paid for. Ugh! What is the Ragamuffin up to? She's beginning to freak me out. She clouds my judgment and makes me crazy.

Later in the Red Room Ragamuffin and Kevin are talking. You can tell Kevin is scared shitless and a little hurt. He kind of can't believe Ragamuffin would forfeit playing in the POV just to see someone from home. He knows that if he loses that POV, he's going home. Ragamuffin insists that everyone else would have done the exact same thing. Kevin thinks BB tailor made that Pandora's Box for Natalie because BB wants Michele safe. I love how he's so suspicious of BB's motives. He's totally right by the way. You know BB wants Michele or Jordan to win. He goes on to say that he thinks the POV competition will be slanted to something that Michele can definitely win. You can see he's almost giving up, but Ragamuffin tells him to start thinking positive.

Ragmuffin goes outside and presses Jordan for info on who she'd get rid of if she won POV. Jordan tells her she doesn't trust Kevin, but Ragamuffin pushes hard for Michele to go. She says she thinks she can beat Kevin in the end, but not Michele. Jordan eats an entire duck and says she has no idea who she wants to go yet.

The night ends with the Ragamuffin planning her wedding with the girls and here is where I need to ask all of my lovely perfect readers for their help. Do you think the Ragamuffin really got engaged? Do you think that perhaps she met with a jury member instead? Maybe Jessie? Do you think she really can't play in POV or is that just another one of her evil lies? Could she have a mystery power? Is Pandora's Box really done? Let's gets a good lively debate going about this in the comments. Enlighten me oh gorgeous perfect leprechaun loving readers. Let's figure this shit out and beat the Ragamuffin at her own game.

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  1. the only thing he's telling the truth about is not playing in POV. I believe he got to meet with Jessie. He opened Pandora's box which let in the roach spray and the smelly baby, but also got him a meeting with a jury member like Dan got. Cmon people, you know Nate's been lying the whole game even when there's no reason to.

  2. I think that all of us have been sucked into Ragamuffin's alternate universe where everything she says instantly becames the truth. All this time I thought the HG's were morons not to catch on to her lies and now even with me seeing most of what is going on I can'f figure it out. So in conclusion I have no fucking idea whether it is a lie or not. Maybe some of your other readers will be smarter because all of my brains have leaked out of my ears from listening to the Queen Gnat. Shout out to Mr. O'Shaugnessy.

  3. She's lying. No way BB let her boyfriend in there for 20 minutes. What if he blurted out some game changing info? You can't put that back in pandoras box (he he pun intended). So no way he was in there - too much risk he'd contaminate the game.

    What do we know about PB? We know it have something to do with the jury and we know it could affect the game. We also know that the POV will be played Tuesday. These facts are more evidence Ragamuffin is lying. She said POV is today and didn't mention the jury.

    What do I think really happened? I think Natalie is a greedy bizznatch so she probably traded her right to play POV to get some money. The thing about PB is you don't know the full story when you choose, so what if by choosing the $ she unleashed something evil on herself, like her enemy plays in her place or her HOH immunity is lost. I think she is lying because she doesn't want to expose a weakness (e.g., lost immunity) or admit she just royally screwed over the rest of the house.

    I think they'll figure out she's a liar today when the POV doesn't happen.

  4. I think she took a cash prize & lost her chance of playing POV. No boyfriend just cash, if she lets the others know, it will look bad. As far as the visitors are concerned, maybe the dirty baby (faux 18 year old that skips showers for a week), has something to do with her...who knows & why are they saying Alice in Wonderland, it was done in BB 9 already. All in all a disapointing season for me, thanks to you for this blog it made a sucky season more fun.
    Susan in FL

  5. My first instinct is that it's all bullshit. I don't think they'd realy allow him to tell her things like whether getting Jeff out was a good move or how America feels about her...and why the hell would they give them sushi if they only had 20 minutes to talk?

  6. If Rag(now tamponamuffin)still put up Kevin after she knew she would not play for POV then I'm totally baffled about her motives.

  7. I am SO confused. I never let this game get to me and I enjoy making fun of people who take it so seriously, but Ragmuff has me frustrated to tears. My instincts say this is mostly a lie, but my faith in people refuses to believe that someone could make up such an extravaggant lie. If I think about this any longer I am sure my head will explode. The End. PS: Nothing to say about the tampos party? I am shocked!

  8. I really don't think Coo Coo Magoo gets enough credit. Sure, she's extremely socially awkward, terrible at human interaction, and openly admitted to ass licking on National (international, if you count Canada) TV. BUT, the bitch has won 3 POVS, and an HoH, whatever she plays in if she doesn't win, she comes close to the end, if not in second place.

    She's no Janelle, but Michele's won more compeitions than anyone else in her season, that's gotta count for something.

    And a lot of people say "OMG, her compitions were just luck!", and to those people I say Shove it, slut. All compitions in the BB house have an element of luck in them, it doesn't make her any less deserving than say someone like Kevin winning.

    I also think you over-hype the Fabulous Scarved one. He has a lot more common sense than most of the gays in BB History, but he's just been floating by most of this season, he only started playing the game when he and Natalie started the Last Minute Lie.

  9. All I know is Ragamuffin looks hyper cartoony in that knocked-off Burger King plastic crown & cape! This group of BB houseguests have more costumes than any other group in the history of the series,... and it's HALARIOUS!!!

  10. No Jason, met w/Jessie, lost POV chance, that's my guess, greedy N got $$$ for doing this.

  11. Ms.lala...i 100% agree with you about not knowing if nat is lying...we are watching her, and are armed with the knowledge that if her lips are moving, she's lying...and we are still baffled....she reminds me of the duck season, rabbit season skit from Bugs Bunny...she has us bamboozled with our heads spinning, I am sure the HG's dont know which end is up.....i personally think this "twist tie" engagement is something she came in with KNOWING she was going to use...she set the seeds in motion when she had a convo w/her dad (which NO ONE was privy too, unlike jerry's last year in the living room, i'm just saying) ...i think she saw her bf and got engaged, just like johnny fairplay's grandma died from survivor...all planned...same MO...he too, planted seeds to other contestants...just like the twist tie....blech...cant wait for sunday's show so we know what "really happened"...or bb's version of what they want us to think happened.

  12. Alli, I was beginning to fall under the Ragamuffin's evil hypnotic trance until I read your post. I agree wholeheartedly with your analysis especially the points about the jury and the POV being on Tuesday (although I'm not sure if it will be played live or taped and then have the ceremony live like in the final 4 of BB9). It was enough to break the spell and then I realized who we are discussing.
    What would Natalie be more enthusiastic about than getting engaged?? well, telling another massive lie and thinking that everyone is buying it, of course! seriously, nothing gets this woman/man/creature off more than telling lies. Since the overwhelming success of the Green Room Lie and the LML she has become ADDICTED to spinning her tales. The biggest clue that we have as to whether the story is fact or fiction is that it is rolling off NataLIE's serpent's tongue and flying out her vitriol-spewing mouth. I will be in utter shock if he see her boyfriend (who must be more ensnared by Ragamuffin's evil enchantments than any poor shmuck has ever been hosed by any witch/wizard/sorcerer/mythical creature/politician ever before) on Sunday's show and instead am looking VERY forward to finding out what actually happened that had Medusa's descendant so upset right after the PB thing actually went down.
    -Vito in Calgary

  13. La La, how can you leave out the best part of the evening? Ragamuffin learning to use a tampon!

  14. Bride of Chucky!!!! LMAO!! Love it!!

  15. By boyfriend i'm sure she meant a 350lb, sensory deprived, biker chic.

  16. I think I've lived a relatively unsheltered existance and I have to say I have never in 40+ years, ever witnessed a more vile, unappealing, disgusting, repulsive human than Natalie. All I can say to her BF is: Better you than me brother/sister.

  17. CBS needs to change the format. HG's are to savy to the way the game is scheduled and how it unfolds as the weeks progress. I count only 3 maybe 4 seasons where someone "appealing" has won (Will, Evil Dick, Dan and Boogie, though w/o Will boogie was shit). Allowing floaters in because they belong to a certain "Token" sociological group is old. Make the HG's compete, put the fucking Kybosh on floating. It's old and its boring. Time for a change BB.

  18. Lala, first off, you are a blast to read every day. Now on to business...I've been reading a lot about Gnat but not once has this been brought up. Nat keeps insisting on being 18. We got it already. Yet last night while talking non-stop (as usual) about her engagement, she said "I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I keep saying 2 years but it's really been 3." HALT! STOP! Let's do the math here... she's 18..BF is 30!!! So she's been with him since she's been 15. Can anyone say technically illegal along the lines of statutory.. i'll let you fill in the rest. Yet not even Michelle, who is skeptical of the Gnatinator, has not caught on to that. Jordan (Yes Jordan!!!) brought up the fact about the planned wedding would be during finals..which Gnat sidestepped as usual. To top everything off, which has been talked about on here, not one of them questioned an 18 yr old drinking liquor, which BB would never have allowed.. totally illegal. Jeff only jumped in with why he couldn't drink when an 18 yr old can. On a side note, Gnat said May in Arizona is totally too hot for a wedding. I live in AZ and May is our final month of beautiful weather. Hot doesn't begin until middle of June. Her world is such a different place than ours. Kevin, the lovely scarfed one, knows she's full of BS yet still continues to buy into it. I just don't get any of this and how they all buy into her mind-numbing nonsense she spews. Okay, first time ever writing on one of these things so now I can go about my own real world.

  19. Is she breathing, then she is lying. Still not sure? See my first comment. She has literally forgotten how to tell just the truth. She got a prize (cash or other) and release the "boogers" in the house. Thats it. The rest of it is all her imagination. And what an imagination it is.......

  20. here is my conspiracy therory ...maybe it was Jeff since he had the found the key to Pandora's Box ...maybe if she wins they have to split the $$$. I know it's a stretch but ????

  21. BB would have cut to fish if Nat told the truth about what happened. (she can't and BB knows she can't...they told her not to) We would never be allowed to watch live feeds of her explaining what really happened. It would be considered "talking about production". AG/CBS wants all of us to see and hear about it for the first time on Sunday's broadcast show.

  22. I totally agree with Ella Rae. BB would have never let us hear the conversation if it was the truth.

  23. "Jordan eats an entire duck..." So funny.

  24. David in Chelsea, MASeptember 7, 2009 at 8:23 AM

    Well, it's abso-freakin-lutely true. Natalie was indeed proposed to on the Sunday night 9-6 show.

    I felt really bad for her boyfriend. Ragamuffin said "yes," but she seemed COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISTRACTED AND DISINTERESTED in what was happening. The boyfriend was the only one who showed emotion. He was welling up a little, and she was just sort of staring off in the distance. Just frigging BIZARRE.

    If she wins the half a million, she is so going to break off that engagement. Just wait. She's a conniving freak.