AG Gives Good Head

Let's start today's post with some controversy. I'm in the mood to piss some people off. OK so I purposely do NOT visit other Big Brother websites. I don't want to be influenced by anything others say and it just suits me better to live in my own little fairy tale world here at the Bitchy Big Brother Blog. There is one site and one site only that I visit if I feel like I've missed a lot of action in the house. I wholeheartedly endorse the wonderful onlinebigbrother.com. It's detailed, not robotic, and easy to read and understand. They endorse me and I endorse them. It's a symbiotic relationship filled with naughty teasing and under the table fumbling. OK so maybe I completely made that last part up. Anyhow, they're good. They support other BB sites and are successful enough not to spend their days trolling around stealing shit from others.

On the other hand, there is a very large BB site, one I will most definitely NOT name here, that likes to go around and check all the blogs and point their fingers whenever they feel like someone has stolen from them. They send out tweet after tweet hooting and hollering about how people steal their info. I've been to this site maybe 6 times in the 11 years I've watched Big Brother. I hate it. It's generic, completely void of anything entertaining, and so overly pretentious I can't help but laugh whenever someone mentions it to me. For the record, it's not Jokers. I don't mind what Jokers does. I just prefer onlinebigbrother.com.

OK so this website I'm talking about goes around accusing people of stealing from them - even though we all watch and report pretty much the exact same thing - it's in the delivery of that reporting that makes us all unique. I like to make fun of people and tell ridiculous stories. It turns out many of you enjoy that type of entertainment and I'm getting more hits than I ever imagined. One of my readers several weeks ago asked me if I'd ever consider doing a Survivor blog. I asked the public what they thought and you guys responded very enthusiastically hence the Bitchy Survivor Blog. I also said I'd do a Bitchy Amazing Race Blog as well. I joked about a Bitchy Franchise and went about my day.

Without going into too much detail, a reader informed me that this very large BB site is now trying to do what I'm doing. Look, I have no problem with people having blogs about reality game shows. My type of entertainment is most definitely not for everyone so the more the merrier, but don't spend all your fucking time paranoid that everyone is stealing from you and then go out and blatantly steal from me without giving me the slightest bit of credit. It's hypocritical and I think we all know how much I fucking hate hypocrites. That site is very successful on it's own. It doesn't need to go around stealing from teeny tiny blogs like mine. Fuck you, you fat plagiarizing fucks. I hope you get scabies and rashes in your nether regions. Rot in hell.

I feel much better now that I've gotten that of my chest. I'm topless now by the way, but you guys don't mind, right? I know Mr. O'Shaugnessy doesn't mind in the least. He has little pools of drool forming in the corners of his mouth as we speak. Speaking of Mr. O'Shaugnessy, he was very pleased yesterday to finally hear from so many of you. He says everyday should be like that. He's asked me to tell you all how much he pleasured himself last night. I kept hearing lots of animalistic grunting coming from his cubby hole late last night so I know he really appreciated what you guys did. He especially loved the limericks and thinks that a limerick contest is in order. Now if I could only get him to put his pants on. It's very distracting seeing a bottomless leprechaun bent over scrubbing my tub.... distracting and, yes, adorable.

So yesterday began oh so slowly. After the excitement of that late night POV, BB let the precious little angels sleep in. Jeff and Jordan awoke first and spent a lovely morning sunning themselves and pouting outside. Jordan is rubbing on Jeff who is acting like a little boy who just lost his favorite GI Joe. Jordan turns to Jeff and says, “Once you leave I don’t know how I’ll feel. It’s not a good feeling." Come on Jordan. Use your words. How about sad, depressed, angry, chubby, hungry... any of those will work. Jordan tells Jeff that anything can happen by Thursday and that they should talk to Michele and see what happens. Jeff, trying not to cry and say the word FUCK for the millionth time, snaps, "She has no reason to keep me!" You got that right buddy. Jordan proceeds to give him a pep talk and tells him that bigger and better things are out there for him. I hope my BB: The Musical producers are taking notes cuz this is good shit right here. She tells him he's not fake, he’s honest, he’s funny, he’s nice, and how he’s a good person. Paging Stuart Smalley.. Paging Stuart Smalley. You're needed in the BY stat!

Jeff gets up and mopes off into the house while Michele comes out and plants her ass awkwardly in the middle of the pool. She is so unwanted anywhere at this point. She's awkward personified. Jordan, dreaming of gravy and thousand island dressing (thanks Grimace!), tells Michele how she thinks Jeff will win America's vote because he's so nice. What the fuck is her point? This is not helping Jeff's case at all. If anything, that's more of a reason to boot his ass out pronto. I absolutely 100% believe that Jeff will win America's Favorite and if, by some miracle or manipulation by Allison Grodner, he stays until the Final 2 he will also win the 7th jury vote by America. Jeffy Pooh will not walk away empty handed.

Jordan gets a little snippy with Michele and tells her she's on Team Michele. Michele, overly smug and driving me batshit crazy, doesn't fall for Jordan's crap and tells her she's just playing the game. Michele mumbles something about playing very similar to Kevin and Jordan tells her to take him to the Final 2 or something and I don't know what the hell they're saying because I'm busy plucking out my eyelashes one by one. Michele thinks she's playing like Kevin? *begins to yank out eyebrows* Pfft! Yeah right. Kevin has been creative, manipulating, charming, funny, witty, entertaining, and oh so fabulous. Michele has been fidgety, annoying, embarrassing, unfunny, pathetic, sad, stinky, and depressing. How dare you compare yourself to The Scarfed One you Ass Licker! You're nowhere near Kevin's fabulosity and you just insulted scarves everywhere thinking that you were. I hate you.

Jordan jumps up and waddles inside to go see the Ragamuffin. The Ragamuffin needs at least 16 hours of sleep to function properly so of course she's still in bed. Jordan wakes her up telling her that Michele is planning on winning everything and the Ragamuffin has to get her out. Jordan and I actually share one thing in common here. We're both extremely pissed off at Michele's smug attitude. Then something happens... something that stabs my heart. Natalie tells Jordan to tell Michele to get Kevin out because he's such a strong player. Oh Natalie... whyyyy? I'm annoyed she's going after Kevin so soon, but I also realize she's just playing the game so I can't hate her as much I'd like to right now.

Ragamuffin tells Jordan how important POV is next week. This has been her mantra for the past 2 days by the way. She's OBSESSED with that POV and won't shut up about it. She's kind of smart trying to team up with Jordan now I guess. I may not like it, but I don't think Natalie can win against Kevin in the Final 2. She can probably win against Jordan so it makes sense for her to work with her rather than against her at this point. If Kevin were to catch wind of this I still think it might behoove him to take out Jeff now rather than later. Jeff holds major personal grudges in this game and you can bet your cute asses Jeff would go after Kevin if he made it through this week. Ragamuffin concludes the conversation telling Jordan that there is no way Jeff is staying this week. Jordan schlumps off to find some bacon.

Ragamuffin, true to form, runs up to the HOH to tell Kevin everything Jordan said. She tells Kevin how Jordan asked Natalie to keep Jeff and Kevin said the bitch better shut her mouth. Ragamuffin dismisses it and says that it doesn't matter because no one will vote to keep Jeff. She thinks the vote will be 2-0. Kevin disagrees. He thinks Michele will vote to keep Jeff and he will have to break a tie. He thinks Michele might be after Jeff's jury vote so she might as well vote to keep him.

They go on to discuss all things Michele and Kevin declares, "We've got to get rid of bitch." Amen brother. He says it's crazy how fast she was in the POV comp. Her time was 1:52. Apparently, they had to stand on a spinning thing and Kevin never got off of it. He came in second to last. Natalie jumped off the spinning thing but got stuck on Casey's face way too long. She said she would have won otherwise. Go ahead and laugh. I know I know... Ragamuffin always should have won, could have won, and would have won but extenuating circumstances prevented it from happening. Kevin tells Natalie that Michele isn't falling for the shit they're saying and they go on to talk about how Jeff drank a whole bottle of wine last night.

Ragamuffin tells Fabulicious that they're doing to Jeff exactly what Jeff did to them and in a weird way she's right. Jeff nominated both Kevin and Natalie telling them that they were pawns. He encouraged them to win the POV and promised to take one of them off the block. Well, Kevin kind of did the same thing. He nominated Jeff, encouraged him to win the POV, Jeff failed and now he's stuck on the block. Had Russell won that POV last week Kevin or Natalie would be history. Jeff is delusional for thinking that Kevin that would grant him full immunity and all the power of his HOH at the same time. Ridiculous.

We cut to Jordan and Natalie sitting around talking about all things Michele - my favorite topic! (And no lisalee that doesn't mean I like her. LOL) They're saying how if Michele had lost the POV that she'd be sitting in the Green Room crying all day. LOL. I love it when bitches get catty. It warms my heart. They go on to talk about how Jeff isn't even trying to stay in the house. He's completely given up. Jordan then utters the most beautiful phrase ever. She says that now there won't be anymore good meals in the house after Jeff leaves. Oh Jordan, I just want to braid your hair and thank you for the material.

Meanwhile Jeff is inside cooking up some burgers for everyone but Michele. LMAO. The chat hags got themselves all in a tizzy saying how mean Jeff was not to cook for Michele. To be quite honest, I can't 100% say he did it on purpose. I think she was in the DR at the time. Anyhow, it's funnier to think he left her out on purpose so I'll go with that theory. Everyone sits at the table and sadly eats their burgers thanking Jeff with their mouths full. Jeff just sits there squirting ketchup into his eyes and weeping into his plate.

After their feast Jeff sulks off to his bed to pout and Kevin and Natalie sit outside and once again discuss Sybil. Kevin thinks she seriously has Multiple Personality Disorder. I immediately ran to my crafting closet and took out all my glitter and Gorilla Glue. I laid out a room size piece of paper and spread the multicolored gem shaded glitter all over it (Martha Stewart brand of course). I stripped off Mr. O'Shaugnessy's halter top (he was already bottomless) and rubbed him all over with Gorilla Glue. I pinched his cheeks (not the ones on his face) and laid him down on the paper. I proceeded to wildly roll him all over the room over and over again covering him in glitter. He was exquisite. A naked leprechaun with a hard on sparkling magestically in the middle of the room is the 8th wonder of the world. I tell you, the beauty of it... it was awe inspiring.

OK so Kevin decides he wants to throw out some hypotheticals to the Ragamuffin. Kevin asks her what would happen if they were to keep Jeff, but make Michele think he's going home. He wonders if Jeff would target her next week instead of them. Natalie immediately says no way. Kevin says Michele knows she can't win against Jeff in the Final 2. Natalie says if Jeff makes it to the Final 3, he will win that endurance no questions asked and would most definitely go to the Final 2. Kevin says that if they keep Jeff this week, then they have 3 people going after Michele instead of 2. At this point, I'm not happy with the idea of Kevin keeping Jeff but I can absolutely appreciate the strategy of this conversation. I LOVE that he's considering all the possibilities. He wasn't lying when he said he wasn't playing personal. The Scarfed One is purely strategic. Natalie tells Kevin that Jeff would be so pissed about this week that he'll most definitely target Kevin next week over Michele. Kevin says that's true unless they can get Michele to explode this week and make some real enemies. Natalie agrees but warns that they could inadvertently piss her off too much and she'll target them instead.

I was SO thrilled with this conversation because it reminded of that great chess metaphor Kevin came up with weeks ago that I loved so much. I was high on scarves and strategy until it hit me.... Kevin had just gotten out of the DR. He left BB and immediately began contemplating keeping Jeff. I KNEW IT! I fucking knew BB would find a way to interfere and try to save their precious Jeff. As a matter of fact, I think they spent ALL of yesterday pulling this shit with everyone because later you'll see how Michele is desperate to keep Jeff too. I will say this again... BIG BROTHER SHOULD NOT INTERFERE IN THE GAME. I don't care whose side it benefits. They should not interfere. It's as simple as that.

Later Michele is sitting outside saying how sore of a loser Jeff is. She says if she had lost the POV she'd be happy for experience and go out smiling. You fucking lying piece of trash. If you had lost Michele you'd be in the Green Room crying your eyes out, talking to yourself, licking the walls, swatting at imaginary flies and deciding which voice to tune in to. You are a piece of filth and I loathe you and everything you represent. I hate, absolutely hate, that this psychotic bitch might actually win this game. I've said before how whomever I hate always ends up winning and I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that Michele could pull a win out of her ass and make me torture my beloved Mr. O'Shaughnessy.

The bitches slept the rest of the afternoon and I finally got around to watching the first season of Gossip Girl. Oh Em Gee. How much do I love that show by the way? How the hell did I miss this? I have a major girl crush on Blake Lively now and am totally convinced that P.C.'s (from NYC Prep) personal hero is Chuck Bass. I'm one of those people who can't watch a tv show unless I've seen it from the very beginning. I had missed the beginning of Gossip Girl and refused to watch any of it, no matter how much my little sisters insisted, until I was able to enjoy it from the pilot. All my bitches and gays who aren't watching this piece of perfection need to get on the Gossip Girl train. You'll thank me later.

Ok so back to BB. The HG's are awake and would you look at that? Jeff has finally decided to play again. He's pumped up with inside info from BB and he's much calmer now after Allison Grodner sucked him off in the DR. He tells Michele how he would be the perfect one to go to the Final 2 with. He's pissed off so many people in the Jury House that there's no way he would win. Michele says that means she'd have to get rid of Jordan and she's so loyal and enamored by Jordan that she doesn't know if she could break her heart like that. *kicks in my laptop screen*

Jeff goes on to tell her that they need to get rid of Kevin. *slices wrists with shards of laptop glass* Michele wonders if there is any way they can get Natalie on the block. *smears blood all over bosom* Jeff declares that he needs a miracle. Jeff says that the DR doesn't want him to lie down and take it (unless it's a blow job from AG) and that he needs to fight to stay. *starts slicing off fingers one by one*

Jordan then comes out of the DR and she's wasted. AG slipped her some Rohypnol and it was supposed to make her pass out, but she's eaten so much that she's just drunk and confused instead. Jordan drags Jeff into the Green Room and cries and tells him how he should stay in the game not her. She's does nothing in this game and she should go home. True, she has done nothing. I can't believe she made it to the jury house. She tells Jeff how she talked about how great he is and how he's her BFF and, at this point, I'm surprised we're seeing any of it. She's clearly talking about her DR session and BB usually forbids that. Then I remember she's talking about Jeff and I remember that AG is in the control room fingering herself and it all makes sense. She's crying and talking like she has a retainer in her mouth and saying how she wants to go to Hawaii with Jeff and how Michele is a crazy bitch and Jeff is just kind of staring her like, "Why in the hell did I team up with this potato sack of idiocy?" He tells her she's drunk and talking crazy.

Meanwhile Kevin and Michele are sitting at the hot tub. Michele tells Kevin that Natalie will turn on him and try to get him out. She mentions how many friends she has in the jury house and how tight she is all of a sudden with Jordan. *fashions a noose out my longest scarf* Ass Licker tells him that he shouldn't rely on her to win HOH next week. Jeff is a better bet. *hangs scarf noose from ceiling rafters* Then Michele sends my Hypocradar into a frenzy. She tells Kevin how she loathes floaters and how she'd hate to see one win the game. WTF! Michele said herself how her strategy entering the house was to always be the swing vote. Her fucking mission was to be a floater. Oh I hate her even more than before if that's possible.

Next up in the BY chats from hell is Ragamuffin and Jeffy Pooh. Ragamuffin tells him he should try to get Michele to use her veto on Jeff instead of on herself. Pffft! Fat chance. Even I know that would never work. Marcellas singlehandedly made that move unplayable for the rest of BB history. Michele emerges again clad in a bikini mumbling to herself something about going deep sea diving. I, for one, hopes she drowns.

Over at the pool table Kevin and Natalie are discussing how Michele is going to vote to keep Jeff. I totally think AG slipped her a new butt plug in the DR as a bribe. Ragamuffin and Fabulicious reaffirm that the goal is to still take out Jeff no matter what Michele does. Later Ragamuffin tells Jeff to his face that she can't vote to keep him because she just doesn't trust that Michele and him won't team up and go after Kevin next week. Jeff begs her to try to convince Kevin to keep him. Natalie says it's not worth if she doesn't have a Final 4 deal. Jeff tells her he'll get into a Final 4 deal with Michele if Natalie votes to keep him in the house. *places noose around neck*

Later Kevin, Natalie and Jeff are talking about Michele. Natalie tells Jeff to get Michele to use her veto on him and Kevin agrees. *climbs on top of shoe boxes* Jeff goes inside and asks Michele what she'd do if he stayed and she won HOH. He wants to know if she'll keep him. Michele refuses to use her brain and tell him what he wants to hear and simply says, "I don't know" instead. Jeff comes back out and gets all pissy with Natalie and Kevin for essentially trying to save him. Kevin begins to wonder why he's bothering at all if all Jeff is going to do is roll over and die. Jeff gets up and stomps away pouting. Kevin and Natalie try to convince Jordan that Jeff needs to kiss Michele's ass to get her to use the veto and tell her that Kevin will put Natalie up in his place. Jordan completely falls for it and Ragamuffin proceeds to tell her what she needs to do to convince Michele to use the veto. They say they should get her drunk and put ideas in her head. OK! Now this is what I like to hear. Attacking Michele's weaknesses always makes me happy. *climbs down off of shoe boxes*

They keep talking about how Jeff has to start caring because he has only one day to do something. Jeff comes out and he's all pissy telling them not to start with him. Jordan wonders why he won't even try to get Michele to use her veto on him and he says it's a stupid plan and he's not Russell. OK while I agree that the plan probably won't work and that saving Jeff is just a bad idea, it's infuriating how Jeff won't even try it. What has he got to lose? Seriously? So far all of Natalie and Kevin's ingenious plans have worked and kept them in the game. Michele is such a freak that you never really know. It's worth a shot right? Jeff just continues to pick his nose and curse at everyone. He picks his nose all the time by the way. If he didn't bore me so much I might start a game where I try to screenshot his nose picking everyday.

Jordan tells him she'll get pissed if Jeff doesn't even try. Jeff says no way will he do it and at this point he's simply exhausted. Jordan calls him a sorry loser. Then Jordan utters one of those phrases that is dipped in chocolate and wrapped in macademia nuts. She says to Jeff, "You need to start flirting with her or something. She likes you!" Can this be? Can the little pot pie be suggesting a sex game? *begins to unfurl noose* Jordan tells him how much Michele fawns all over him and he needs to make her laugh and tell her how pretty she looks. Jeff continues to flail his arms about and curse. Jordan tells him to get off the "negative train" and he says he's "on Earth not on fucking Jupiter right now". OK this is Jeff's problem. He has no flair for the creative. He has no balls to try something new. He'd rather pout and say fuck a lot rather than try anything he can to save his ass. You disgust me Jeff. To hell with you. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

The night concludes with Ragamuffin and Fabulicious agreeing never to nominate or evict each other. They make a Final 2 deal. Kevin tells Natalie how production is really pushing him to keep Jeff *begins to create noose again*. They swear they won't turn on each other and Natalie says she'll fight like hell to win HOH. The only thing she won't do is eat bugs. $50 says the next HOH comp is a bug eating contest.

So that's where we are. Michele is slowly going mad. Kevin and Natalie have committed to each other. Jeff is pouting and cursing. Jordan is eating everything she sees. It's a hell of a game isn't it?

Big love going out today to donna6167, Noah&Jenah’sMommy, StephL1978, and chocsouffle. Thanks ladies! Go eat some rocky road ice cream and pickles in my honor today.


Don't forget to vote and comment! Mr. O'Shaugnessy will cry and hurt himself if you don't.