Thursday, September 3, 2009

Vibrators Make Lovely Parting Gifts

OK time's a wasting. We've got... actually, we've got very little to cover today. Golden Boy will be riding out on his white horse and I've already got my wine chilling. I know many of you love him and had he not turned out to be a moronic douchebag maybe I could have learned to like him too. It's well documented how much I hate hypocrites and, well, Jeffy Pooh is the poster boy for hypocrites as far as I'm concerned. 2 weeks ago he spent all his time telling Russell that BB was just a game and how he got got and how he should man up and take it. Well Jeffy Pooh, back at you. In a matter of a week's time, you've turned into 5 times the bitter bitch that Russell ever was. Only Russell had the balls to confront his HOH. You won't even talk to Kevin because you're so busy pouting. Even Braden went out taking it all in stride and I can't stand that guy. Don't worry though Jeffy Pooh, you'll win America's Favorite and every menopausal woman from here to Puerto Rico (greetings my Puerto Rican readers!) will be wanting to get freaky with you. Keep some estrogen on hand in your nightstand from here on out. You'll be one VERY busy boy.

OK so the Ragamuffin is riding the crimson wave and, like I do, she's bitching about it constantly. BB has given her some Thermocare heating pads but she's unthrilled and spends most of the day clutching a pillow in bed. She almost looks precious in that photo doesn't she? Ok ok stop throwing rotten tomatoes at your computers. She's not precious at all. I have only one thing to say about the Ragamuffin menstruating... why didn't she act like this last month? Last month when Jessie was there and she was a Have-Not she only bitched about the cold showers. I don't recall her having bad cramps or problems at all. I realize my memory is shit and I can't remember what happened 2 days ago, but am I wrong about this? I don't think so.

Ragamuffin tells Kevin how Jeff approached her wondering about if she's going along with the deal or not. Ragamuffin told him that the deal sounded good, but she just doesn't trust Michele at all. She thinks making a deal with Michele is like making a deal with the devil.

I'm so feeling you on this Ragamuffin. It's not even funny.

We cut to Satan... er I mean Michele outside talking to Jeff about whether or not they will actually throw the HOH. Michele giggles and jiggles and says of course she will. She'll fall down if she has to. Jeff says that if he's going to throw the comp that he'll do it with flair possibly getting injured in the process. They compare BB battle wounds and I got bored and went to the grocery store. Mr. O'Shaugnessy was out of Whiskey and Cabbage and I had to go buy him some more. You should see his shopping list. What he needs duct tape and cotton balls for I'll never know. I'm thinking it's for his date with Deion. I know he signed the release forms and I'm almost scared to ask him what they've got planned.

Anyhow, I ran to grocery store and on the way back I bought lemonade from some little kids in my neighborhood. I'm such a do-gooder. I gave them $5 for a warm glass of powdered crap. I'm quite sure I just funded their next crack run. Those little 8 year olds are so up to no good. I can feel it. I came back to discover Golden Boy, his Doughy Princess, and an awkward Ass Licker all lounging around the pool.

Golden Boy worked on his eviction tan.

Chunky McMuffin played with her brain.

And Sybil retreated to her padded cell. Is that not the best picture ever?

The Scarfed One got his camera and wanted to take some pics, but Jeff simply sat in the pool calling him a "fucking scumbag". Jesus Christ Jeff. Lydia was in a unitard going bat shit crazy while Russell threw her in the pool yet she managed to be a good sport and pose for pics. Lydia, wherever you are, with your head in Jessie's crotch, I miss you. Kevin put on his space suit and pretended like the Green Room was outer space while the Ragamuffin photographed it and Jeff continued to pout.

This brings us to most controversial moment in the day. A moment that sent Twitter into a Ragamuffin hating frenzy. Ragamuffin was talking to Kevin and she mentioned how she wanted to swindle Jeff's Hawaii trip out of him. She wanted to tell Jeff that she'll vote to keep him if he gives her his Hawaii trip. LMAO. She is so evil. I just have to respect it. She does not want to leave this house empty handed. She wants to make it legal though. She wanted the DR to draw up a legal document or some shit like that guaranteeing that she would get to keep Jeff's trip even if she voted him out after he gave it to her. Kevin just looked at her and laughed saying that she must really hate her life. Ragamuffin played with morals for a teeny tiny bit and actually considered maybe keeping Jeff if he did give her that trip. It would be a nice gesture after all. Kevin then asked her how she'd feel with a shiny knife in her back. I thought the whole thing was funny and evil, but Jeff fans burned their Ragamuffin dolls and demanded she be kicked out of the game.

Speaking of all things legal, the rumor mill is now working overtime claiming that Natalie has outsiding warrants out against her. They are all for failure to appear in court. No one knows if they are for parking tickets or for beating some girl up. Either way, who cares? It has nothing to do with Big Brother. CBS does background checks and obviously they saw nothing dangerous. I did a background check on myself once and found out an expired car tag was still on there from years ago. My tags are all up to date now thank you very much, but I had a car I wasn't driving so I let the tags expire. Now that shit shows up on my record. That's bullshit if you ask me. It's not like I was driving the car at the time. See? I'm still bitter about it. Whatever Natalie has on her record is probably for something silly like that. I mean, I seriously doubt AG would cast anyone who's potentially dangerous.

Anyhow, Kevin and Natalie spend some time in the HOH making a PlayDoh calendar and going over what happened on all the important days in the house. Ragamuffin is pretty good at it actually. She remembers everything. I have no doubt she'll buckle and fail in a competition, but she definitely knew her stuff last night.

At one point, Kevin went downstairs to see if they got alcohol. They were given a bottle of wine. Kevin took a glass, even though he doesn't drink, marched upstairs and dumped it out. It was all part of Operation Fuck Jeff. Kevin didn't want the wine. Natalie didn't want the wine. They just didn't want Jeff to get it all. LOL OK now that shit is funny. That's totally something I'd do because I'm very, you know, mature and dignified. Look if Jeff had done that to Kevin you'd all think it was hysterical, so there.

Outside Jeff, Jordan, and Michele are talking all things Ragamuffin and Fabulicious. Jordan knows they think she's dumb and she doesn't get why Kevin is so close to Natalie even if he's not planning on taking her to the Final 2. Well, Cherry Garcia, Kevin is playing strategic. He doesn't let personal shit affect his game just like he's doesn't let the game affect his personal relationships. He can separate the two... something that is completely foreign to Jordan's empty head. Jordan then proceeds to totally infuriate me and she makes a Final 2 deal with Michele. Jordan is the one person that Michele could actually win against. I banged my head into the wall and stuck safety pins in between my toes. That is quite possibly the ONLY Final 2 that would send me to the funny farm. There will be hell to pay if Jordan and Michele battle it out at the end. I fear for Mr. O'Shaugnessy's life. I might become dangerous.

The only thing I have to comfort me is the smug look on Russell's face when Jeff joins him in the Jury House. I mean, seriously, that's why Jeff is so pissed. He's mortified he'll be seeing Russell again so soon. He talked so much shit and now he can't live up to any of it. I cannot wait to see the Jury House footage next Thursday. So much drama!

Jordan and Michele are drinking wine and Jordan wonders how Jeff will kiss her when he leaves tonight. Jeff doesn't know if he'll be able to deliver a kiss because he'll be so pissed off. Jordan gets mad. Apparently, this goodbye kiss is something they have planned. Alright admit it, how many of you menopausal hags will swoon and tear up if Jeff and Jordan lock lips tonight? I knew it. Every single damn one of you.

Nothing too exciting happened during BBAD at all. There was one late late night convo between Jeff, Michele and Jordan. They're all in bed talking about pruney vaginas and shriveled penises. So basically, you know Michele was in heaven. Jeff says that water and penises don't mix. Jordan gets confused and Michele flings her clothes off and humps the bed post. Jordan wonders why boys wake up with hard ons and Jeff tells her it's cuz they're always dreaming about banging chicks. Michele, at this point, was trying to put her legs over her head and service herself.

Jeff tells them that he's never had blue balls. If he doesn't finish off with a girl, then he'll go home and finish himself off. He thinks it's funny and does a really weird laugh. Jordan is still confused and Michele's pillow has completely disappeared at this point. Jordan continues to ask about sore penises and Jeff tells her that jacking off is like popping a zit. Jordan gets offended and thinks he's criticizing her complexion. She huffs and puffs and says, "Well I'm glad I don't have a penis and balls then. I'm glad I wake up with a vagina and not a penis crying for attention." Jeff says, "It should be crying for attention. It probably has spider webs in it." They joke that Jordan's vagina has a sign on it that says, "Be back in 5 minutes" and the sign never gets flipped over.

Michele asks Jordan if she has a vibrator and Jordan says, "No, I wouldn't even know how to use one." Michele says, "It's easy." Jeff says, "She [Michele] probably makes eggs with her vibrator." Jordan says, "What do you do? Stick in it your cooch?" Michele laughs and says, "No you stick it by your clit. Job done!" Michele starts talking about double headed ones and how she broke her vibrator at home. Jeff says Michele probably hooks hers up to a car battery. Jordan says, "I'll bet you and your husband have some crazy sex. I don't want to picture it." Jeff says, "Yeah I've thought about that." Michele gets all excited and says, "You've thought about me having sex? Thanks Jeff!"

Jordan tells Michele that now she's lost all this weight that she should buy some sexy lingerie. Michele's giggles and I vomit up my morning muffin. I'm listening to this shit on flashback right now and it's grossing me out. Ewww. Michele just said she orders her sex toys off of Amazon. Ok why do I picture all of my readers rushing over to Amazon right now? If you do, click on my ads to get there you little pervs. Michele goes on to say that she cleans her house in her French Maid outfit and Jeff asks Jordan if she'll ever do that. Jordan says she would now that she's had her boobs done. Jeff says that's hot and says she has to follow through if she puts on an outfit like that. Jordan then goes into some moronic story about someone she knows and I don't give two shits about it so I'm ending this here. Oh one more thing... Jeff just said that now he's looking forward to going to the Jury House. He said, "I'm going to beat my junk like it owes me money!" and the room erupts in laughter. Michele tells Jordan she's sending her a vibrator and Jeff says he's sending her one too for Christmas. Jordan says, "I thought you were getting me an iPod." Jeff replies, "No, iPenis."

Expect to see Jeff go home tonight. It doesn't really matter who wins HOH tonight. POV is everything so if Ragamuffin loses, which she will, I won't punish Mr. O'Shaugnessy just yet. He's already hiding in his cubby hole packing for his trip to Deion's. If all you bitches keep borrowing my leprechaun, I'm going to have to start charging money.

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  1. c'mon, those jeff/mich/jordan convos are funny..admitt it, jeff is funny...ipenis, istill crack up as i think of it...also...i went hysterical when jeff said mich has vibrators all over her house, she prob has one in the kitchen drawer...again, hysterical...throw a man a bone, he is funny!

  2. Dude...Did you see the part on BBAD when Michele went to the bathroom. While she was in there, the cameraman zoomed in on a jar of vaseline. lol. I shit my pants twice. Just cause... ya know. Funny shit.

    Oh yeah, btw, Nat was wacky last month on her period, too. She walked around with the heating pad down her pants.

  3. Anon... he's funny. I can admit that.

    Misty, you're right! She did have the heating pad down her pants! Thank you for reminding me.

  4. Okay LaLa,
    I finally get it! I kept fighting it, but you are right. Michelle is freaking CRAZY! Last night, I finally noticed that all her freaking conversations sound like this "mmmmmm yeahmmmmmmmhehehehehemmmmmmmmmm"
    Then I swear she looked in the camera and I thought she was looking straight at me. I pulled the sheets cover my head and shook for like an hour, too scared to sleep.

  5. jeff and jordan might be cute and funny but you reporting what they said was even FUNNIER! i am still laughing. glad you are here to entertain!

  6. Lala,
    Kevin's HOH blog has warmed my heart so that I have decided to return Mr. O to you satisfied, but unmarked. And there's still time to return that pipe wrench to the hardware store, so win-win.

    Dr. Scarfed One has rightly diagnosed dumbbitch-itus in Michele and Jordan. Also, talking about Jeff's lack of ass? I bet the twitter hags are having a meltdown that is going to crash the service around that diss to Jeff's physique.

    Look at me, all excited. I won't walk down the street to the elementary and kick a small child in the face this afternoon after all. Tell Mr. Mr. O'Shaugnessy I'm waiting (and that he will be in for it if Natalie wins HOH).

  7. Just wanna see Jeff Get Got, & have Julie Chen really rub it in with some real dumb-ass questions!("So Jeff, In hindsight, do you think it may have been a mistake to have used the Coup D' etat on Jessie?" "Did you hope to have a true Showmance with Jordan?" "Do you think Michelle would have been less scary & akward acting if she had brought a 12 pack of double-D batteries & A big-assed vibrator as her luxury item in the Big Brother house?").

  8. OMG..IPENIS????? I laighed so hard at that I pissed my bloomers!!! LOL She wouldn't know what to do with that if you sent her to Michelle's college to learn!!! I've never seen such a simple, naive girl in my life!!!

  9. Michelle really said that a butt plug is awesome because it makes it feel like a threeesome. That is fucking disgusting. I mean people can do what they want with their own buttholes, but I almost vomited when I heard the Akward Ass Aficionado talk about it. Gross.

  10. The hair playing, I can't stand it. Why does Jordan think it's attractive to have a big hunk of hair clinging to the side of her face? Please people at her salon, tell her, please....

    Jeff, grow up. IT'S A GAME!! You're too bitter, guy.

    I can't see Michele winning vs. Jordan. The jurors all know Jordan is no threat and did nothing to them. They dislike Michele immensely.

  11. Love you Lala!!! Just catching up after watching the live show tonite. I heard you laugh out loud when they showed Jeff saying "We got got" I pictured you and the lovely Mr. O toasting with Whiskey and Opium. Enjoy your celebration tonite, I don't really have a favorite this year but at this point wouldn't mind seeing the scarved one win it all! Hugs!