Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Man With The (Moronic) Plan

How do I describe how I'm feeling right now? CHARMED is on Season 3 again in it's morning TBS rotation (the Cole season!). My laptop valiantly defended me from a nasty virus yesterday while I searched for Survivor info. I got a shipment in the mail that made Mr. O'Shaugnessy work overtime last night (more on how this benefits you guys later). Some of my lovely readers have generously conrtibuted donations to the ever growing Bitchy Franchise. I saw my niece and it's official - she's not calling me PeePee anymore. I've learned that Ragamuffin costumes are available for infants everywhere to wear this Halloween (thanks Jamie!). I'm thinking I can singlehandedly bring saddle shoes back as a hip trend - work with me on this one. It could happen. I saw two more episodes of Gossip Girl (mlvlatina, I'm so addicted!). The Big Brother diet continues to work it's magic and I'm looking pretty fabulicious. And... oh yeah! Jeff and Jordan are on the block! Rave in my basement! Bring your glow sticks and shake your moneymakers. The golden couple has only 2 days more of life and, personally, I'm thrilled!

The POV ceremony came and went. Michele refused to save Jeff and now Jordan sits beside him on the eviction block. I've been waiting for this moment since Week 2 I think. I never liked the golden couple. It's much more fun to root for evil to prevail. I guess you could say I don't do sappy or stupid. I much prefer to warm my cold and bitter heart with ruthlessly wicked mind games. So yeah the Boring Twins are on the block and I put on a ball gown. Having gone to private girl schools all my life I've acquired an unusual amount of formal wear. You know your girl Lala hit every Homecoming in the Metro DC area. If there was a boys prep school I was somewhere in the vicinity wearing a fancy dress doing keg stands. Good times. I've decided to open my trunk of 1990's evening wear and don a new gown every few hours up until Thursday night. Sure, it'll be awkward doing my gorcery shopping in a floor length strapless number, but I suffer for my art people. I do it all for you.

After the POV cermony everyone napped and I ordered Mr. O'Shaugnessy under my floor length skirts. Jeffy Pooh is oh so sad and I'm busy not trying to spill mimosas down the front of my dress. Eventually Jordan and Ragamuffin wake up and have a little talk in the Green Room. Ragamuffin tells her how Michele keeps trying to convince her to vote out Jordan. LOL When in doubt, blame Michele. That's my new motto. Ragamuffin tells Jordan how Michele wants a Final 3 deal with the two of them and Jeff. Ragamuffin explains to Jordan how she never believes anything Michele says. Michele could tell her a tree is green and she still wouldn't believe her. Now we all know that the Ragamuffin is a duplicitous master of lies, but I think she's genuine with Jordan. I think she'd love for her and Jordan to be in the Final 2 together. Jordan is someone she could easily beat. Kevin, not so much.

More sleeping. More card playing. More eating. Yawn fest.

A little later Jeff and Michele sit in the backyard and they're discussing how the DR refuses to answer any questions they have about Pandora's Box. Apparently, they were told that "accounting was unavailable" for consultation and we promptly get fish. In the meantime in Twitterverse, people are actually hoping BB intervenes and saves Jeff. OK now I've been reading what you guys have been saying in the comments about BB being a part of the show and how intervening is compulsory. I've stayed out of it because I enjoy reading your lively debates, but I'm gonna say something now. I watch Big Brother in 3 countries. I'm not kidding when I say I'm a fan. The American version is the ONLY version in which BB intervenes, manipulates, and tries to influence who stays and who goes. I've seen BB done around the world and I've seen it done better. BBUSA is my least favorite version as a matter of fact. We're the only country who makes Big Brother a hardcore game - a human chess game - in theory, this should make me LOVE our version. In actuality, it's so corrupt that it's really not a game at all. All I ask is that if you go out of your way to make BB a hardcore psychological game full of strategy and planning then I ask that it be a fair game. Coup D'Etat's are fair. Trying to convince players in the DR to keep someone they don't want is not. Imagine if in a chess game Bobby Fisher had a little angel on his shoulder telling him what moves to make. It's incredibly unfair! It's akin to cheating.

I fancy myself to be a BB conoisseur and, in my opinion, BB benefits from a neutral, strict, unwavering voice in the DR. Big Brother is not your friend. It was never meant to be. It's an all seeing eye monitoring your every move. The appeal, to me, is watching the sociological ramifications of sticking a number of people in a small space and forcing them to exist together. Add in eliminations, backstabbing, jealousy, manipulating and good old fashioned greed and you've got a hit! I've only had the feeds for 4 seasons (although I've watched all 11 seasons) now so I'm unaware how Big Brother operated in the DR prior to Allison Grodner's arrival. Is she to blame for the manipulating? Her reign as Executive Producer brought all the crazy twists like America's Player and it appears to me that she gets really pissed off when her twists don't play out like she wants. Her casting has also come into question. She leans towards the young, dumb, and pretty as opposed to hardcore game players. It drives me crazy when people say, "The ratings will drop if Jeff leaves!" Oh give me a fucking break. If you've invested 8 weeks of your time to watch BB up until now, you're going to stick with it for another 2 weeks to see who wins. Sure, I hate it when 2 people I loathe end up in the Final 2, but you better believe I'm glued to my TV screen on finale night. I don't invest this much time and thought into something to only walk away and not see how it all ends. That's moronic and, quite frankly, immature.

Chima's episode, where she left, was the turning point this season in the ratings. Chima is quite possibly the most hated player ever in BB history yet people watched and ratings soared. BB11 has been a VERY successful season for CBS and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with Jeff. It has everything to do with every single one of the cast members. It's fun to call Natalie names and see how far she'll go in her filth. Lydia and Jessie were crazy entertaining in their weird and destructive relationship. Russell was good for psycho fights. Ronnie was good for sneaky rattiness. Michele takes us to the Bell Jar more often than is comfortable. Big Brother is the sum of it's parts. It's success doesn't ride on a cute guy with nice abs. Get over yourselves. All in all he's on the boring end of the spectrum this season. Rarely do I write about him being entertaining. He only amuses me when he's fighting with someone and saying outrageous things. In my mind, that's all he's good for. Yes, the house will be more boring after he leaves, but that's only because the house is ALWAYS boring at the Final 4. It's even more boring at Final 3 and mind numbingly stab yourself in the eye boring at Final 2. That's just what happens when people leave. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to know that 13 people are infinitely more entertaining than 4.

Ok I'm done with my rant now. I just really needed to fill up some space because next to nothing happened yesterday. LOL

Back to Jeff and Michele. They're talking about game now and Jeff is saying how he can never get close enough to Natalie to talk to her because Kevin is always close by. Michele thinks Kevin is doing it on purpose and Jeff starts to smash his Tonka trucks. They plan to approach Natalie and tell her that neither of them will go after her next week if she keeps Jeff in the game. Jeff thinks he's a master game player now and that he's come up with an offer to beat all offers. He and Michele will offer Natalie safety next week and to further sweeten the deal, they'll also throw the HOH competition so Natalie wins. Sound pretty good right? No! Hell no! Why would Natalie in her right mind EVER in a million years trust these 2 yahoos? She's not that stupid. Jeff goes on to say that they'll assure Natalie that Michele is not going after her. Michele chews her face and shouts, "I'm not!" And then she giggles and I'm just confused.

Jeff is convinced he's a genius for thinking of such a great plan and he insists that, "If she doesn’t take that deal she’s a fucking idiot and I’ll go home because there are fucking idiots in this house.” Yes, Jeff you will go home because of fucking idiots. Those fucking idiots are named Jeff and Jordan. You got swindled last week. You hate it. YOU GOT GOT. You've reacted like a mature dignified man true to his word. You've pouted, cursed, snapped at people, slept, played cards and flat out refused to talk the one person, Kevin, who can save you. Yes Jeff, you are indeed a fucking idiot. Jeff says if Ragamuffin doesn’t take the deal then they’re going to Kevin with a deal. So he's going to shun Kevin all week and at the final hour when Jeff doesn't get what he wants he'll finally talk to him? Yeah that makes sense.

Jeff is all hopped on anger at this point and he says, “Kevin hasn’t done dick in this game. I could sit in a corner and drool all day too.” Oh Jeffy Pooh you know that's not true. Kevin got you, didn't he? He also got Russell. He laid low when he needed to and when the time was right to make some power moves, he did it. Kevin has played an extraordinary game. He's taking out 2 of the most competitive threats and he's well liked. That is not easy to pull of in this house. Michele, drooling and licking her lips over seeing Jeff in a tank top, talks about how Natalie said she’s never fucked anyone over. Michele says, "She's never been HOH to fuck anyone over!" True. Could it be that all of her losses, planned or not, have actually helped her in this game?

Jeff, creeped out by Michele disrobing, goes back on his rant about what a genius he is. He says if he were Natalie he'd take the deal he's offering in a heartbeat. Anyone anywhere in the world would be an idiot not to take the shit he's serving up. Michele, naked and writhing, says Natalie would be stupid not to take it. She's stupid to think she can beat Michele and Jordan in the HOH next week. Jeff covers himself in Purell and tells Michele to make the deal with Natalie, but to wait until the very end to make the HOH offer. Michele pops a grape in her mouth, smiles with grape skin covered teeth, crams a butt plug up her ass, and says, "Aye aye captain!"

It's at this point where we all learn that the DR has told the HG's individually what they've earned in the Pandora's Box game. It sounds like they may have won the following totals: Jeff $3181, Jordan $1726, Natalie $1900, Michele $2563. Kevin is still a mystery. So maybe that key meant bubkis after all. I never saw the car commercial that mentioned BB, but I wouldn't be surprised if Allison Grodner is lying naked in the back of a Ford SUV Thursday night as Jeff is presented with his parting gift.

Michele decides to cook for everyone and, I'm sorry (no, I'm not), but I'd NEVER in a million years eat anything she made. I'm quite sure I saw her sprinkle some arsenic into the sauce and why does she put garlic in EVERYTHING she makes? Is she scared they're all vampires who'll attack her as she sleeps? If only that were true. When I think of Michele cooking, I think of the mom from FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC. She'd sprinkle rat poison on her kids cookies to slowly kill them. I'm not putting something like that past Michele. I'm just saying...

They've all eaten Michele's mystery poison laced meat and the Ragamuffin and Kevin go outside to enjoy a lovely billiard game. Ragmuffin has hijacked Kevin's HOH hoodie and now she wants it for herself. She insists it fits her better than him and now he must let her have it. Kevin calls her crazy and tells her there's no way in hell she's walking away with that hoodie. It was probably a gift from Enrique Iglesias and Kevin wants to hang on to it. Ragamuffin snarls and drools and they begin to talk about all things Jordan. Kevin is saying how Jordan is totally acting like a guilty girl right now. All along she's been so scared to hook up with Jeff because she's been so preoccupied with what her family would think, but now she's making out with him all the time and hanging all over him. She feels guilty that he's going home and worthless little (well, not so little anymore) ole her is staying. What Kevin says is true. Jordan is for sure riddled with guilt. She knows she has done nothing to deserve a place in the Final 4. She's managed to ride Jeff (with zero penetration) all the way to the end and all she has to show for it is a bigger ass and a pissed off Manbaby.

Meanwhile Jeff and Jordan are talking and Jeff is telling Jordan she has to stick with Michele. Jordan tells him she doesn't trust Michele at all. Jeff tells her that Kevin and Natalie are fucking lying to her and she's stupid to believe them. Actually Jeffy Pooh, I'm going to intervene here. Natalie and Kevin are serious when they say they want to go to Final 3 with Jordan. It would behoove Jordan to trust her massive gut on this one. They can take her farther than Michele ever would. With Kevin or Natalie pudgy know nothing could actually walk away with $50,000. She'll walk away empty handed if she puts her faith in the Ass Licker.

Back at the pool table the Ragamuffin's rabies is becoming more obvious. She's literally snarling and grunting (usually, when I say this I'm making it up) and announces that she's full of uncontrollable energy that needs to be released. Kevin tells her to bottle that shit up and save it for the HOH. Very conveniently, the DR pages Kevin and Jeff is finally able to pitch his genius deal.

Jeff starts off with flattery of course. He tells Natalie he can never talk to her because Kevin is so far up her ass. Yes Jeff, lull the Ragamuffin into a peaceful state. Ragamuffin laughs and says, "So I hear you have a sweet deal for me? You're going to give me HOH?" Jeff says, "Yeah, you'll have guaranteed safety." Ragamuffin says it sounds like a great deal, but she's worried Jeff or Michele will dump her when they get to Final 3. She also doesn't trust that Michele will throw the HOH at all. Excellent point. Neither would I. Jeff says that they'll promise to throw HOH if Natalie promises to put Kevin up on the block against one of them. Ragamuffin says that she was planning to put him up anyways so that's not an issue. This is indeed true. Kevin and Natalie have already planned this to make the remaining HG's think there is tension between them. Jeff assures Natalie that it was actually Michele's plan to throw HOH. He mentions how Michele is totally onboard and is losing her mind. She actually almost used the veto to save Jeff so there's no telling what she'd do at this point. That's not really an argument in your favor there Jeffy Pooh.

Anyhow, Natalie is listening calmly and Kevin comes outside again. They pick up their game of pool and Kevin talks about how he gets to Twitter and blog. He wants to be able to write a really long blog like Chima did. Not 5 minutes later the DR calls Kevin back in. He laughs and says he must have really interrupted an important conversation between Natalie and Jeff for BB to page him twice. I love how nothing gets past Kevin. He's so wise to all the BB bullshit. He goes back in and Jeff and Natalie resume talking.

Jeff tells her she'd be stupid not to take such a great plan. Natalie nods and says she's definitely thinking about it. He tells her if he goes home then Michele will definitely go after Natalie. Ragamuffin tells him that Kevin would be after her if she votes for Jeff to stay. Jeff offers her protection and Michele comes out to sit in the hot tub. She assures Ragamuffin she'll lay down in the next HOH competition and gets very excited at the prospect of a Jeff, Natalie, Michele Final 3. She's giggling and jittering and I admit I had to change the channel for a little bit. Michele thinks there is no way she will win in the end so it's good if someone takes her to Final 2. Natalie is so not buying it at all. She talks about how everyone hated Dick and Dan yet they both won. A lot of jury members vote on how the game is played. Michele insists that this jury is too emotional and holds grudges. I think that's true for Lydia, but the others will vote according to game play. Eventually, Michele gets up to go bother Jordan in the shower. I told you how she loves to spy on people when they're showering. The meeting ends and Ragamuffin can't wait to run and tell Kevin everything.

Kevin comes out and she's just laughing about how Jeff and Michele thinks she must be a total moron to trust anything they say. She tells him how they hate it that they can never be alone with her because Kevin is always around. Kevin thinks it's funny and swears to follow her around even more now. He jokes about sleeping downstairs in the Red Room with Natalie so she'll never ever ever be alone. Michele is totally convinced Ragamuffin is on board so Kevin and Natalie just sit and laugh at how nutty that bitch really is.

The night ends with lots of mindless chitchat. Natalie and Kevin play chess all night, Jordan is scared she looks fat on camera, Jeff gets excited to go to Vegas, and Michele giggles and freaks everyone out. Jeff says once again how dumb Natalie would be if she doesn't take the deal. Michele grabs him in the balls and assures him she'll take the deal. They joke about sex and Michele tells Jordan that Jeff wants to fuck her. Ewww gross. And with that, I think this is a good place to end this today.

Big contest announcement coming later today! I expect every single one of you to enter. I will be giving out a very special prize straight from Mr. O'Shaugnessy himself.

Have a great day everyone and don't forget to vote!

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  1. I HATE these people!! Eat, sleep, fart, lie, cheat.... oh wait..sounds like MY house...Anyway, I LOVE your site! I still want Ragamuffin to win, as she is the only person who has actually played the game. If Michelle wins I will stab myself in the heart with Mr o'Shaunessy's thingy! Sorry...

  2. I have a lot to say today... I give you fair warning.

    First of all, with all this BB interference crap... My analogy would be this... If you were playing chess with your neighbor... just because he OWNED the chess set doesn't mean he should be allowed to make up the rules as he goes. Am I right? Right.

    Secondly, when Jeff was 'offering' this sweet deal to Nat... he said he doesn't believe a word that comes out of Michele's mouth. But in the same breath he says Michele will give HoH to Nat. Uhhhhh. And Nat should believe her??? You make no effin sense Beff. Haha. Kevin cracks me up.

    And lastly, I am sooooo tired of people saying Nat or Jordan or whoever does not deserve to win or be in the Final 4. Well they made it there, so they obviously did something right. Regardless of their strategy or lack thereof, THEY MADE IT THERE.

    I want Kevin to win, obviously. And if Nat screws him over, I will be sooo mad. But whatever, I will get over it. Buuuuuuut... somedays I pray that Nat wins, just so 95% of all BB viewers will be upset and pissed off for the REST OF THEIR LIVES.

    Bwahahaha. Ok, rant over. Please resume hating me Jeff/Jordan fans.

  3. kev has gottena little paranoid as well...i like to call it hoh-itis...i swear they must pump some kind of crazy sh*t into that room....jeff was cool, calm and collected until jordan got hoh and he spent copious amounts of time there...then he won hoh and 24/7 in that room....paranoia and major ego-tripping....the beginning of his plummet to the jury house....i see kev becoming a little wacky and on a power trip...anyway, thats my 2 cents....love your blog and give Mr.O'S a pinch on the cheeks for me!

  4. I hope Nat wins too,.. With her little curvy Ragamuffin-stinky-magician-like-hypnotic-lying-nose-pickin'-smackin'-twizzler-eatin' butt!

  5. Hey, Ms. Lala, your rant was great & totally on point in every respect,... weather you did it just to fill space for last night's BB-House boringness or not! Ain't Dat Right, Mr. O'Shaunessy laddy?

  6. love your site..found out about it at onlinebigbrother..I love your delivery,had me cracking up..and I especially love you arent a Jeff stan!!!

  7. Ok you're hilarious! I love this site. Keep on blogging on!

    I'm okay with the interference as long as its disclosed to all players. So the HG knew that there was a wizard power out there and so they can play accordingly. But if this key is anything other than a key to a damn prius, I'm gonna be hot. It would be totally unfair.

    And I don't get the love affair with Jeff anyway. Yes he's hot. But he's an idiot. And inarticulate. Listening to him and Jordon makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a #2 pencil. AND what is with these chicks this season and their willingness to give up $500K for some dude? Seriously? Shoot you can hang out with them later, you better get you game on.

    Anyway this site is awesome. I lurve it. Go kev-o go!

  8. Lala,
    I feel like I am taking a sword to the most vicious dragons in some of these forums. The same tired tweeters, chatters, and posters complaing about Jeff's nomination as though it were a violation of the rules. I've even got a friend w/ benefits that I don't think will be speaking with me until after finale because I had to give a dressing down on facebook that called their hypocrisy out for what it was. I'm damned serious if I'm endangering my sources of oral sex.

    Sometimes I feel as though the Bitchy Big Brother Blog is the lone source of reality in a fandom gone completely fucking nuts. One lady said she would refuse to watch a "fixed" show where she came to care for a character who could be eliminated for no reason. She also said that Jeff "is the best looking man ever on Big Brother, but Jeff is much more complex than that. Jeff is charming, chivalrous, honest, and has a conscience as big as Texas. His patience in dealing with Jordan has been nothing short of adorable. They are just precious, those two..and funny, and cute, and yes, extremely beautiful. The fact that a man like Jeff exists has renewed my faith that there ARE still good men out there to be found..that's significant."

    I vomitted. Is it THAT serious ladies? Jeff needs to stay because the MODEL/NUMBSKULL has renewed your faith in the male sex? If that's the case then you NEED to stop watching. And go find a man. My stomach has yet to settle.

  9. OMG Deion that quote is what I used to deal with daily with the chat hags. Thankfully, I've distance myself from them and chosen to chat with, ohhh I don't know, people with BRAINS instead. I have a feeling many of them will jump ship after this Thursday anyways. It's part of the appeal of Jeff going.

    As far as your friend with benefits goes... LMAO. You've risked losing oral sex to stand up for what you believe in. You should be rewarded. Might I loan you Mr. O'Shaugnessy for a night? He's very good at what he does.

  10. Why would anyone (J/J) ever think Michele would save one of them? What planet are they from?

    BTW, I hear BB UK is canceled due to poor ratings. BB US is having one of its best seasons ever. It couldn't be b/c AG interferes could it? I hope not. I'd prefer it if the game ran on its own. I wonder what's going on over there that no one is watching?

    Ah, the shunning. Jeff plans to shun Kevin. Was this always done each season to such a degree or is it more this season? It annoys me to no end how the the hg isolate people. Like talking to someone means you'll become contaminated?

    As for "doing dick in this game". Since when is winning comps. the way to win the money? 'Under the radar' is a tried & true strategy, too.

  11. No, BBUK is not cancelled. It's ending on channel 4 after BB11. There will still be a Celeb BB in the winter and a whole 'nother lovely season next summer. It might move to another network. It's still in negotiations.