I am completely full of love today. I don't think I can make fun of anyone at all. I might just have to turn in my Bitch Card. My mother, who used to make fun of me for watching Big Brother, would always ask, "How can you sit around watching that trash all the time?" just called me and said the sweetest phrase ever, "I watched the show last night. God that girl is an idiot!" *weeps openly* Yes, my dear readers, she was talking about Jordan. I decided my coffee this morning needed some Bailey's and I asked, "So what did you think of Jeff? Do you think he's cute?" Oh, let me interject saying that I kind of think Jeff looks like my brother. We'll call him Not Jeff. I had told my mom that all the menopausal hags (my mother is a proud member of this group) loved Jeff and wanted to molest him repeatedly and that I thought Jeff kind of resembled Not Jeff. My mother replied, "I think Not Jeff is much cuter. That guy on the show was just so arrogant!" *tears of joy fall into morning muffin* Have you ever heard anything so beautiful my fellow bitches? She's seen the show exactly once and that was the conclusion she came to - Jordan is an idiot and Jeff is arrogant. Oh and she also said that Jeff must be an idiot too for liking someone as stupid as Jordan. Either my mother's a genius or being a bitch runs in the family.
While we're on the topic, let's discuss the CBS show last night. Oh let me just say that, yes, I've heard the ridiculous rumors about the key Jeff found being anything from a diamond veto, cookie dough for life for Jordan, and an instant pass to the final. I never wrote about these rumors here because they are ummm, how do I put this, FUCKING MORONIC! Anyone who actually believes that BB would give Jordan cookie dough for life needs to have their head examined. Someone posted a link in my contest thread to a blog post about all of these ridiculous assumptions. I have since removed the link because A) I don't endorse any other blogs I haven't previously checked out myself and B) The spoilers on that site had not one shred of fact in them. Pandora's Box was a game where Kevin could choose to keep all the money for himself or he could let all the HG's play for it. We all saw last night how it played out. That's it. It's done. Jeff stays on the block. The key was nothing more than something to release Kevin.
Speaking of Pandora's Box, how fucking funny was that? Natalie and Jeff were so selfish that I almost found it charming. Many of the chatters were instantly questioning why Kevin would trust someone like that. I said that Kevin doesn't trust her at all and has no intention of taking her to the final 2. No one believed me and I was forced to bask in my genius all alone. Well, last night during BBAD Natalie's performance in Pandora's Box was mentioned. Turns out I was right. More on this later.
Also the chat hags delighted in making fun of Natalie during that POV comp. Ummm bitches she came in second place. She beat both Jeff and Jordan. Now go pop some estrogen and leave me alone. Michele was fast in that comp and I'll give her that, but how heavenly was it when Jeff said, "Get away from me" at the end. I had Mr. O'Shaugnessy dump a whole tub of glitter all over me. It's bitchy little phrases like that that just make me want to sparkle. We put on some Electric Light Orchestra and did an interpretive dance to honor Jeff's outrageously rude and immature remark. It involved a lot on contracting and expanding. Spirit fingers everywhere. Hot!
OK so back to the BB house. I could sum it up with one word: Boring. These bitches sleep all the damn time and it's very frustrating. Although I did manage to enjoy my BBUK eviction yesterday uninterrupted (I loved Lisa by the way. I based Debbie, Michele's lesbian lover, on her.). I usually have to keep an eye on the BBUS house while watching my BBUK live stream, but not yesterday. I was free to kick back and talk all things British for a few hours. Big sloppy naked shout out to my BBUK buddies - MangoCrusher, herdleader, donawatches, etc. I'm rubbing Mr. O'Shaugnessy's head in your honor. OK so yeah the HG's are uber boring and Kevin and Natalie even plot some little pranks to play to liven things up. Now we're talking! I love a good prank. They decide to jimmy the kitchen faucet to spray people and they use rubber bands to rig it. In the end, they didn't do it right and it failed, but I admire the attempt. They also discussed maybe putting a bucket over a door and dumping water on someone (all very PARENT TRAP kind of pranks). They nixed that idea because it would ruin the microphones. Then Kevin, bless his heart, says they should make a fake Idol and hide it (where are my Survivor fans at?). He says whoever finds it will have immunity. HAHA! I heart him so much.
Let's check in on the Boring Twins and see what they're up to. Oh dear. Jordan is sniffing Jeff's pits. Dammit! The mission to save the muffin has failed. I repeat, the mission to keep my breakfast muffin safely in my stomach has failed. Why on earth does Jordan keep doing that? God, it's SO disgusting. Seriously you guys, is this something you do in your spare time? If any of you say yes, I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave. I have a strict velvet rope policy against pit sniffers. After inhaling Jeff's manliness, Jordan tells him how he loses his patience so easily. She tells him about he yelled at her for a card game. Jeff instantly gets all defensive and snaps that he didn't lose his patience. In essence, he's losing his patience over being accused of losing his patience. You'd think someone killed his puppy or something by the way he's acting. You got got Jeff. What's wrong? Can't you handle it?
Later Michele and Jordan have a little chitchat about what life on the outside will be like. Michele wonders if she'll even have a job anymore. Jordan asks her if she'll find another job if she loses her current one. Michele clams up and says she doens't want to say anything about her employment on camera. Oh ok. You'll talk openly about butt plugs, butthole pleasures, and ass licking, but you won't say anything about your place of employment. Smart decision Michele. It's because of all that ass talk that you're paranoid in the first place. Way to draw the line Michele. I hate you.
Back in CandyLand, Jeff is telling Jordan to go all the way to the Final 2. People want to take her because she hasn't done anything in the game and Jordan just doesn't feel worthy on a Final 2 spot. You shouldn't feel worthy Frankfurter Thighs. You should be embarrassed. Jeff tells her to fuck everyone else and that he'd vote for her to win in the Final 2. Oh isn't that precious? Hell no! It's moronic. Jordan says, "Awwww, you'd vote for me? Even though I haven't done anything?" Jordan kisses him and he says, "Wanna get a hotel?" Jordan then pouts because she kissed him and he didn't do anything back to her. Jeff says, "Want me to grab a boob?"
Then she lies down on his lap and I'll admit I got a little excited. I was thinking to myself, "Show him some oral love Milkshake Breath!" No dice. She just lay there literally cock teasing the poor boy.
Jeff asks why a "double u isn't a double v" and I stabbed my foot with a fire place poker. I'm just going to leave it there. I've instructed Mr. O'Shaugnessy to twist and turn it every time Jeff or Jordan do something stupid. Needless to say my foot is now a jangle of unprotected nerves and I'm in immense pain. Jeff abandons his deep discussion of the alphabet and he talks about his speech on Thursday. Jordan asks him what he's going to say and he says he'll say something like, "Lick my nuts!" Jordan smacks him and says, "Nooooo!" and I stuck a letter opener in my ear.
All the HG's decide to make a nice dinner together. They make some steak and potatoes and Michele ruined some macaroni and cheese with soggy breadcrumbs (I repeat, never let her cook!). They kept checking the Storage Room every 5 minutes for their alcohol delivery, but none ever came. Natalie declared she was going to drink Kevin's Mike's Hard Lemonade and Jeff started eating before everyone else's food was done. Always the gentlemen. Kevin warns Ragamuffin against drinking too much saying she'll get all crunk. She claims she can drink a 6 pack if she wanted to. I remember the last time she drank when she yelled at everybody and Jessie had to flip her over his shoulder. She's a hysterical drunk so I crossed my fingers and hoped for some more good times.
It was here that the Ragamuffin informs us that she'll be getting her period soon. $50 says she blames any and all HOH or POV losses on her period. Michele runs outside to licks Jeff's toes. She informs him that Natalie is about to go on her period. He says, "What does that mean?" Well Jeffy Pooh, once a month an egg is released.. oh just shut the fuck up. Mr. O'Shaugnessy that fucking hurts. Try not to put all of your weight into it next time. Those little fuckers are much stronger than they look. Michele goes on to tell Jeff that Natalie will be all crampy and poopy in the competitions and Jeff says, "Is she gonna take this deal or not man? It's too fucking sweet to pass up." He kicks over his linkin log castle and pouts. Michele attaches her strap on and declares that she'll need to kiss the Ragamuffin's ass a little more.
Meanwhile inside, Ragamuffin announces that tomorrow she’ll spend the day in bed. Kevin says, “Again?” She says this time it’ll be for cramps. Apparently, the Ragamuffin gets them really bad. Before she’s gotten them and she’s fainted they were so bad. I feel your pain sister. I’m frightened we have something in common, but my regulars know that when it’s my time I turn into the older sister Ginny from SIXTEEN CANDLES and get super high on all things muscle relaxant. My face melts and I start telling unsuspecting old ladies in fancy hats. “Love the teapot.” Nat then takes her Mike’s Lemonade into the shower with her. Hmmm another thing we have in common. LOL Totally kidding. Maybe I’ll sip some wine when I’m enjoying a bubble bath, but no I don’t swill from a beverage you can get from 7-11 while showering.
Jeff is still outside bitching about Ragamuffin. He claims he'll write a book about how to win Big Brother and it'll say, "Sit around and do nothing." My god, he's so bitter. Ragamuffin did not sit around and do nothing. She invented some of the most delicious lies and was responsible for getting both Russell and Jeff out of the house. Sure, she hasn't won a damn thing, but her mouth has most definitely been playing. Jeff continues, "We have no alcohol, yet some 18 year old is sucking down someone's elses alcohol. What world am I living in?" You're living in the world of Sore Losers my dear.
During BBAD we see Michele and Kevin sitting outside discussing the Final 2. Kevin brings up Pandora's Box and says that he couldn't believe how Jeff and Natalie just went on collecting money without saving him. It really gave him an insight to their character and he realized he has to start playing this game for no one other than himself. He knows he can't trust Natalie in the end and he tells Michele how Natalie has a Final 2 deal with Jordan. He really thinks Natalie wants to be up against Jordan because she can easily beat her. I agree. This is precisely what Natalie wants. Everything in this conversation Kevin is having with Michele is aboslutely 100% rooted in truth and I think Michele knows it. She's listens to everything he has to say and Kevin makes a new pitch.
Kevin knows he can't win against Natalie so he'll be getting rid of her soon enough. He tells Michele he wants to go to the Final 2 with her. I've said before that I think I'm actually ok with this. Michele would be an idiot in the question/answer portion and her winning $50,000 is much better than Jordan winning it. Kevin tells Michele how Jeff wanted her out. Again, he's telling the truth. I don't know if Michele is buying any of it, but if she teamed up with Kevin for a Final 2 deal I wouldn't kill myself.
The night ends with the gang all playing Bullshit. The Ragamuffin has been drinking the whole time and like a Gizmo turning into an Gremllin, the Ragamuffin turns into Uber Ragamuffin. She gets so aggressive when she drinks. She bosses everyone around and yells a whole lot. It's sometimes funny and sometimes very annoying. She even starts getting testy with Kevin and I can't help but think her days are numbered. Uber Ragamuffin takes all of her bottled up evil and tells Jordan how Michele has offered her a deal to vote Jordan out. Jordan is actually shocked. Wait... I thought she wanted to go home so Jeff could stay?
So that's it. That's the skinny. That's the fat. Nothing too terribly exciting and I fear today will be even more boring. We have pictures, twitter, and the blog to look forward to and not much else.
Thanks to everyone entering the Big Bitchy Contest. You guys are cracking me up! If you're entering anonymously, be sure to put a nickname or something at the bottom of your entry. I'll be putting up a new contest thread for today's entries. You can enter as many times as you like. Don't forget to keep voting in the BBTop50 and have a great day everyone!
Super Special Happy Birthday to my sister! I have no idea if she's reading this (she better be if she knows what's good for her), but Happy Birthday Lorenzo Lamas (that's what I call her... don't ask why)! I got you this lovely mug with a leprechaun on it. LOL