Happy To Be The Whore

OK so how much are we loving onlinebigbrother.com right now? That sassy Simon is pimping out the Bitchy Big Brother Blog and sending many of his minions over my way. Sure, he's made me change my name to Peaches, forced me to wear the purple Lycra (so not my color) and white fishnets, and he says "pay up bitch!" much more than I care for, but I'm happy to do it. My feet are sore from working his corner all night and that weave he gave me (so convinced it's one of Chima's throwaways) is lopsided and makes my scalp itch. Don't even get me started on how he's demanded I make "The Michele" my personal special to all the potential johns. He insists I'll learn to love the butthole pleasures eventually. Well *sigh* I'll just take his word for it. So welcome new readers! The paragraph you just read is a little taste of what I do here. Throw your morals out the window, put on your naughty face, and enjoy.

We began our Big Brother day yesterday with some fun game time. It's 20 questions bitches! Who's in? OK so I'm an animal not a reptile. I'm furry. I live in Africa. What am I? *scans the room* Jordan, would you like to guess? Hmm no I'm not a kangaroo. No precious, kangaroos don't live in Africa. Let's do another one. It's your turn Jeff. You're purple, you eat hay and fish (maybe meat), and you make a cute cartoon? I'm sorry Jeff. I have no fucking idea what you're talking about and I'm too busy sticking bamboo under my fingernails to play your silly game. I'd like to take back anything I've ever said about you two not making it as a couple. You guys are perfect for each other. Zebras don't have patterns and snakes aren't animals. You should give the intelligencia games a rest though. That last brain marble you two are sharing is sputtering and running out of juice.

I just took a look at my notes to see what comes next and this is verbatim what I see, "When Michele eats, angels cry." Have I talked about Michele's eating here yet? I can't remember so that means I didn't. Let's do it again. OK so Michele plops her ass down wherever and angrily pops her food in her mouth. If she's eating with a fork (which is rare) she stabs her food and glares at it. She smacks and chomps and violently masticates whatever she's not enjoying at the time. I have to mute my feeds everytime any food is near her (I do this when Ragamuffin eats candy too). Oh! And have you heard her drink? Bitch is the loudest swallower I've ever heard. I can hear every last bit of liquid making it's way down her esophagus. It creeps me out and makes me kick kittens. She seems very angry at the fact that she has to put food in her mouth and I'm thinking one of her personalities must be anorexic.

While Michele is busying torturing food, Ragamuffin and Jordan are out in the BY talking. They discuss how everyone has won something except them. Ragamuffin says, "We need to show them that we're not so weak after all." Ok Natalie, you do that. Yes, Natalie is miserable at the physical aspect of this game and she'll explain why later, but I think her mental play has more than made up for it. It's easy to hate her like it's easy to hate all rabid animals, but her lies are legendary. I can no longer tell when she's telling the truth. She looked into my eyes the other day and I fell under the Ragamuffin's spell. I didn't turn to stone, but I did steal a child's ball and eat a squirrel for dinner. Jordan tells Natalie that she's not very good under pressure at all and that's why she loses everything. Personally I think magical elves have set up a home in Jordan's abdomen and they're using all of her energy to bake their delicious cookie dough. As a result, Jordan is left exhausted and lazy.

Then they begin to talk strategy and Jordan declares that she doesn't think Michele can win against Kevin in the Final 2. From your mouth Jordan... from your mouth. Ragamuffin tells Jordan that Michele is after her and wants her out and that's why she's going to vote to keep Jeff. Jordan opens her big blue eyes, cocks her head to the side and says, "Really?" Jordan wants Natalie to promise that if she's ever up on the block against Kevin that she'll vote out Kevin. Natalie agrees and I seriously have no fucking idea if she's telling the truth. Her lies are too strong and powerful for me to penetrate. Natalie tells Jordan that if they were in the Final 2 together there would be a 50/50 chance and it would be a fair fight. LOL. Ok so I know that was a lie. Anyone who'd vote for Jordan to win this game is a moron. I'm looking at you Jeffy Pooh. Speaking of Jeff, Ragamuffin tells Jordan that she doesn't think Michele deserves to be there, but that Jeff does. I'm iffy on this one. I'm just gonna go ahead and call it a lie.

We cut to Jeff and Jordan alone together talking about how dumb they are. Jordan says that she's the only person who's gotten bigger in that house and she has no idea how people go about losing weight. Putting down the cookie dough is a good start. Jeff is way horny and just tells her she's cute and asks her if he can touch her boobs. She tells him that she would show him her boobs if she didn't know him so well. Huh? I'm lost in the abyss of nonsense and am totally confused right now. She goes on to tell a story about how she used to be really self concious about her breasts and about how when she lost her virginity she was really uptight and didn't want the guy looking at them. I knew it. I knew Jordan was crap in bed. Jeff will so kick her to the curb even if she gives him some punany in Hawaii.

Later in the Green Room Jordan tells Jeff, "If you really wanted to stay you could stay." Jeff asks how. Jordan tells him how Michele wants Jordan out and how he should try to get Natalie's vote. Jeff ignores her and says, "If you stay, you better fucking win this thing.” Jordan replies, “But I won’t have anybody. I’ll be alone.” OK I'm going to do something here I swore I'd never do. I'm going to compliment Michele. I know. I'm already choking on bile. Michele has been alone almost the entire game and she's still here. Ok that's it. I'm done. Someone get me some holy water and a bucket.
Jeff says, “If I stay, I’m fucking winning this thing.” Now that's the spirit!
Jeff says he won’t go around and bash Jordan in order to stay. Jordan tells him he has no reason to bash her. She says, “Well I know if you really really really want to stay you’ll stay.” Jordan tells him to work Kevin. Jeff says he doesn’t want Kevin. He wants Natalie. Then Jeff gets grumpy and childlike and states how he doesn’t want to talk about it. He’d rather play cards. Jordan gets frustrated and Jeff gets all pissy at her. You could reread that whole paragraph over and over again and you'd get the gist of the entire day.

Outside Natalie and Kevin are playing pool. Natalie is saying how in the past she's never given 100% in the comps because she's never really cared before. Next week she'll give 100% and she'll win. Ok ok go ahead and laugh. I know you want to. Kevin tells her how she was just cartoonish in the last HOH competition and that she went way too far letting Jordan beat her. Ragamuffin claims that she threw her cup on purpose and Mr. O'Shaugnessy burst into a fit of giggles. Mr. O'Shaugnessy is not a fan of the Ragamuffin. He loathes all other fairy tale creatures and often tortures my unicorn tied up in my backyard. He's Irish so of course he thinks he's better than everybody else. He routinely picks fights with dogs on the street and likes to tangle the leashes in between their legs. If only I could get him to stop drinking. He has a grip so tight that it's impossible to get his bottle of whisky away from him. The only thing that works is if I play DMX for him. He drops his bottle are starts dancing and posing. Precious!

Later Jordan, Natalie and Kevin are all sitting outside talking about guess who? Michele. Jordan says that Michele is being really nice to her and Ragmuffin tells her to be sure to thank Michele on Thursday for voting her out. Jordan tells Natalie and Kevin that if they all went to the Final 3 together that she knows that neither of them would take her. Natalie tells her that's not necessarily true and says, "I don't know if I should be saying this, but I'd rather be in the final with you than with Kevin." You devil cunt! Jordan continues to stress over the possiblities of the coming week and Natalie and Kevin say that if they win veto they will be getting rid of Michele and not Jordan. They tell Jordan that Michele wins veto that she's getting Jordan out. Jordan asks, "What do I do?" How about try playing the game on your own precious? I don't know. Just a thought. Ragamuffin tells her that Michele wants Jordan out because she doesn't want someone in the final who hasn't done anything in the game and Jordan, for sure, hasn't done a damn thing.

Jordan wonders if they should keep Jeff in the game over her in order to get Michele out. Ragamuffin tells her it'll be 3 against Michele next week. How can they lose? Ummm easily actually. Kevin is the one who has a fighting chance of winning that veto. Jordan tells them how Michele thinks Kevin screwed up by winning HOH this week. Kevin says that he had no choice but to win HOH. He knew his ass was out if Michele has won. Jordan says, "She's [Michele] all little different. She's not all there." You got that right pumpkin.

While all of this is going on outside, Michele is inside scaring me to death.

Ooops that's not the picture I was looking for. This is the one I meant to post:

It's still just as scary. OK enough of that she's so going to hunt me down and kill me when she gets out of the house.

Back outside Jordan, Kevin and Natalie are still talking. Jordan's vault is open. Surprise surprise and she's telling them how Michele thinks Jeff and Jordan fucked up for getting rid of Russell instead of Kevin. Kevin gets up and goes inside and as soon as he's gone Ragamuffin says to Jordan, "Me and you to the end." Jordan doesn't trust her and I begin to wonder if the dumb and innocent might have some sort of immunity to the Ragamuffin's charm. She thinks Natalie and Kevin have a Final 2 deal and that if either of them won in the Final 3 they would not take her to the end. Ragamuffin assures Jordan that Kevin cannot beat her in a memory competition. In fact, no one can beat her except Michele. No one in the history of the world will be nearly as fast as Natalie says she'll be in a final memory comp.

Jordan says, "I can’t say one bad thing about Kevin cuz I really like him. I won’t even say anything bad about the Jeff thing cuz that was a good move.” You got that right cupcake. Kevin comes back out and Jordan tells him that if he was in the Final 2 with Michele she'd vote for him to win. Natalie jumps in and agrees. Fucking idiots. Why not just tell Kevin to take Michele to the final? It would be so much easier. Actually, I think that's a Final 2 I can tolerate. I'd love to see Michele put on the spot in the question and answer portion and completely lose her mind. Kevin would crucify her and sail on to a fabulous scarved victory. I'd get to see Michele cry and you know that's always fun for me. As much as I sincerely loathe Michele I really think I wouldn't mind her in the Final 2. It could be fun for me.

Kevin thinks that America will vote for Jordan to win America's Favorite and he might be right if they keep giving her that sappy woe is me edit. He thinks that Jeff and Jordan are probably getting the adorable couple edit and that America must love them. Kevin you are a genius. He thinks America probably has no idea who he is at all. Kevin you are so humble. Jordan tells him he's so funny and that she's sure America sees that. He also tells Jordan how he doesn't think he can win against Natalie in the jury house. She has so many friends there. Kevin is so much more likable though. I think it would be close, but Kevin would win.

Jordan, armed with information and arterial damage, waddles over to Jeff in the hammock to tell him everything she's heard. Jeff snaps at her and tells her not to talk to him because she's been spending so much time with the people who stabbed him in the back. Oh grow the fuck up you big pouty baby. Whatever happened to, "It's all just a game"? Is it not a game anymore because you got got fancy boy? God I hate you and your hypocrisy. Jeff proceeds to tell Jordan not to believe anything they're saying and that they're just playing her. Jordan, innocent and dreaming about pickles dipped in chocolate, seems utterly confused.

Kevin, meanwhile, is inside talking to Michele. He's telling her how Jeff won't even talk to him now and how he's still keeping all of his options open. He tells Michele how he's not totally opposed to putting Natalie on the block, but Jeff simply won't talk to hiim so what other choice does he have than to vote him out? Kevin says it's a shame Jeff has completely given up because he would most definitely consider a Final 3 deal with him. Is Kevin saying this because he's sincere or because he knows Michele will run and tell Jeff. I'm not sure, but as soon as he leaves Michele throws some more food in her mouth and shakes her head violently side to side.

Like Kevin thought Michele does run and tell Jeff and Jordan what Kevin said. Before she mentions Kevin though she utters a phrase dipped in Chanel and covered in diamonds. She's talking about how the DR keeps her sane when she has her crying jags. She says, "I'm done with crying. Now I just want to stab people." Oh, I believe her. I 100% think she's going to stab me repeatedly when she leaves that house. Anyhow, she tells Jeff how he should talk to Kevin and Jeff throws his toy trains around and says he doesn't want to talk to Kevin. He throws his legos against the wall and says Kevin's a liar and wants him out. Jordan and Michele tell him he doesn't know that. Michele says, "Not going home next week should be a huge motivator" for Jeff to want to stay. Jeff doesn't say anything and he begins to stab his Transformers with a plastic knife. Jordan breaks the silence and says, "Is there any way all three of us can stay somehow?"

Jordan asks Michele if she can take both herself and Jeff off the block. Michele informs her that she only has one veto to use. LMAO. Has Jordan not been playing this game for the past 8 weeks? Are the rules still fuzzy to her and trapped in the cotton candy that is her brain? Jordan wonders if Kevin will ever put Natalie up. Michele says no way and that she has to use the veto on herself or else she's going home (duh). Jeff plays with his Cabbage Patch doll and says, "So what the fuck does it matter if I talk to him or not?" Michele says, "I think he just wants you to kiss his butt for 5 days or something," No Michele. That's not true at all you disgusting little turnip. Jeff should try. For the sake of the game he should try. I hate it when people give up. If Kevin or Natalie were in his position they'd be fighting to stay up until 7:59 PM Thursday night. They'd never just give up and play solitaire over and over again.

Kevin and Natalie are in the red room talking about how Jeff won't even talk to Kevin about staying. He's totally lying to the other side when he says that Natalie has a chance to go up on the block - at least that what he's telling Natalie, but I'm not so sure. I truly think Kevin likes to weigh out all of his options and then decide the best route to take. Anyhow they plan to continue to convince Jordan that they're not really tight. Natalie says if she wins HOH nest week she'll put up Kevin to prove it. Kevin tells her to stop telling everyone how important POV is next week. He's right. Ragamuffin runs her mouth way too much.

BBAD was super boring last night with Michele hiding away trying to figure out Origami. For a neuroscientist she sure is an idiot at paper folding.

Apparently many of you out there are hoping that the Pandora's Box will come through and save Jeff. If AG has her way it will, but here's an interesting little nugget. Someone saw a car commercial last night that mentioned Big Brother. Could Jeff's magical key be the key to a new car? That would make sense. BB often gives out new cars. I sincerely hope it's nothing more than this and that BB doesn't manipulate it to be some kind of power. AG said herself in an interview that Pandora's Box was NOT a power but a "responsibilty" of the HOH. We'll all find out soon enough.

Remember to keep voting and thank you to everyone who said such nice things yesterday. David in Chelsea you can borrow Mr. O'Shaugnessy any time you like. The little guy is bisexual and loves to dip into all sorts of pots of gold. Just clean him off before you return him. Have fun!