Spiky Wishes, Barbwire Dreams

Big Brother season 13 continues to lurch forward at a snail's pace. We know someday it will end. Someday it'll all be over. I can see it on my calendar, but I can't feel it in my soul. What if it never ends? What if the doors on the CBS backlot rust shut and no one else is allowed to enter or leave? I guess the bright spot in such a scenario is that they'd all eventually die of starvation. Actually, Kalia would turn cannibal and manage to make it a few extra months. Only Shelly could emerge triumphant and live through what is a seemingly hopeless situation. Our warrior princess, our leathery goddess, with her wits and survivalist instincts would smoke the grass in the backyard, use the bicycles to generate power, and shoot squirrels with a bow and arrow she fashioned out of lawn furniture and bedspreads. The spirit of a huntress, the heart of a puppy dog, that's our Shelly. Where others latched onto large and beefy male types to carry them through the game, Shelly did it all by herself. With words as her weapons she busted up alliances, flipped the house, saved HG's, ran HOH's that weren't even hers to begin with, and planted seeds that led to almost each and every eviction. This one's for you Shelly. You go girl. Let's recap, shall we?

We'll start with the POV ceremony. Rachel used the POV on herself & Jordan and Adam & Shelly have gone up in their place. *sigh* It's what Big Brother wanted. It what that late night meeting last Thursday was designed to accomplish. Allison Grodner sat at the head of a large conference table surrounded by empty bags of Cheetohs and pork rinds and demanded vindication for her secret love slave Jeff. The associate producers scrambled and mumbled things like, "How about a Platium Power of Return?", "What if last week was the Bizarro week and Jeff really isn't evicted at all?", "Or maybe we pretend the Jury House and Jeff are made of rubber and Jeff bounces right back into the game?" They were all good ideas, but none of them were subtle enough for AG's liking. If they couldn't bring Jeff back, then the next best thing would be to keep Jordan in the game for as long as possible. With Jordan out of the picture, Allison can take that 8X10 Jeff glossy out of her pants and replace it with Little Jeff himself. So instead, they tempted Porsche with something they knew she could never turn down - images of alcohol - and voila! Mission accomplished.



Shelly kind of knows the jig is up. She could be angry at BB, she could be angry at Porsche, but instead she's sitting in the BY soaking up some rays and shooting the shit with her fellow HG's. I don't know how she keeps her cool. If that were me, I'd have strangled Porsche and thrown her lifeless body over the wall for an unsuspecting Bold & Beautiful actor to discover on their way back to set. Instead, our mahogany princess sat with a smile on her face and accepted her fate with grace and dignity. Maybe she was planning. Maybe she was plotting. The one thing I love about Shelly is her stealth. All of her decisions are made without our knowledge. Viewers can only sit and wait to see how she'll carry out her plans. Will she kill everyone with kindness? Will she mindfuck Kalia within an inch of her life? We don't know! And that's what makes her so fun to watch. Where the other HG's are fairly easy to read, Shelly is the only one who always keeps me on my toes.



While Shelly was outside nurturing relationships with her fellow HG's, Kalia and Porsche were up in the HOH looking very sad and forlorn - as they should be! As much as I hate Big Brother for butting in this week, I know this was all ultimately Porsche's fault. Suzuki had a perfectly pristine week sitting right in front of her. Everything was neat and tidy. It was all wrapped up with a big pretty pink bow. She won two competitions back to back and this was finally her week to shine. All she had to do was shun Pandora's Box, nominate both Rachel & Jordan, and then send one of them out the door. Instead, she stuck her hands into a giant pile of stinking poo and smeared it all over herself. Why, for the love of god, WHY, does anyone take a Pandora's Box at this stage of the game?!? Pandora's Box is never good. Even when it rained money, Kevin got screwed. Christ, Matt even blew his Diamond Power Of Veto on Kathy. Kathy! Now you listen up future houseguests, never ever ever open a Pandora's Box. It's BB's way of meddling in the game. It's not to help you. It's to push their story forward. Pandora's Box helps Big Brother and Big Brother only. Etch that on the inside of your skulls. You may need it someday.


Upstairs Kalia & Porsche are using their painted beans to run through various scenarios. Kalia states very authoritatively, "We can't let Rachel win any endurance competitions." Uh, duh. You bitches can't let Rachel win anything. The second Rachel wins is the second one of you numbskulls is going home. Kalia continues and says that Shelly needs to go home this week. In lieu of King Flip Flop, Kalia, in her infinite wisdom, thinks Shelly should be going home next. I'm stunned that at this stage of the game, Kalia actually believes Adam won't flip again. More on this later, but here's a spoiler - HE FLIPS AGAIN.



The afternoon continues on lazily enough. All seems quiet. All seems peaceful. Jordan is sleeping (again!) and Rachel tiptoes into the room and wakes her up. It turns out that Big Brother finally gave her a pregnancy test and the results are in. (Note: I take full credit. I tweeted Grodner myself that they should give Rachel a test.) While I sat making adjustments to the infant's baby hat I was knitting (I added two slots at the top for the baby's horns to fit neatly into), Rachel whispers, "I took the test. It's negative." Jordan rolls over and mumbles, "Good. One less thing to stress about." Rachel confesses that she would have been happy either way and at home I began to angrily throw yarn balls all around the room.



Yes, Rachel's child would have had the horns of Satan and a penchant for fresh kitten's blood, but I had already grown to love that little demon. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these handpainted baby bottles that say "TEQUILA" on them? No other baby in the world, but Rachel Reilly's would have any use for them. And what about the black baby booties with the rusted spikes on the end? It wasn't easy ripping those off of the gates of the local church you know. The bibs with witty phrases like, "Feed me bitch or I'll claw your eyes out!" and "666" bedazzled on them are useless now. Useless! All that hard work for nothing. I'll be sending you a bill Rachel Reilly. I don't think Babys-R-Us will take back the crib I've already outfitted with barbed wire and gargoyles, do you?!

After ripping up the baby shower invitations written in Ancient Enochian and canceling the Satanic priest I booked to oversee the baptism, I checked back into the house in search of anything to lift my spirits. What do you suppose I found? Adam, that pile of uselessness, was in the Have-Not room with Jordan doing what Adam does best - FLIPPING. If you'll remember, last week he pledged his solemn allegiance to Kalia & Porsche. Now, only days later, we find him saying the same exact thing to Jordan. Adam is hands down the biggest casting mistake in Big Brother history. Lawon was pretty bad, but I'll go out on a limb and say that Adam is even worse. At least Lawon got mad when he was mad. At least Lawon picked a side. Adam's balls still haven't dropped and I have yet to see the guy express emotion. He's an insult to hardcore Big Brother fans. I know I'd be horrible at this game - I don't hide my emotions very well - but at least I'd be entertaining. Let me put it this way, Rachel's unborn unfertilized baby is more entertaining than Adam has ever been. I could write about little Damien until the end of time. He's full of personality and would drink Adam's blood for breakfast. Adam would sit and smoke and there tiny Damien would be gnawing on his jugular. Let's hope the test was a false negative and demon children take only a week to gestate. Damien for the win!



So Jordan tells Adam that he needs to pick a side once and for all. Adam tells Jordan he's with her 100%. He tells her if they keep him in the house this week that he will be indebted to her next week. Jordan warns him that he better not flip again and Adam swears he won't (rrrrrright). Adam continues and says he doesn't think anyone will take him to the final two anyways. Jordan says in no uncertain terms, "Don't be too sure about that." She then insinuates that if given the opportunity, she'd take Adam over Rachel to the end. Oh sweet fancy Moses. Can you imagine a Jordan/Adam final two? I think I'd have to kill myself. I'm already having a hard time justifying putting my life on hold for this season, but a Jordan/Adam final two?!? Oh hell no. Hell to the no. Look, it would pain me to see Rachel walk away with any cash whatsoever, but I'd much rather see her win first or second over these two poundcakes. Jordan slept half the summer away and I'm surprised Adam has a pulse to speak of. A Jordan/Adam final two would be the worst possible outcome which, because nothing on this show ever goes my way, is most likely a certainty now. I've learned to expect the worst from season 13. That way I can never be angry and maybe, just maybe, there's an opportunity for some pleasant surprises.



The only person left, truly deserving of a win, is Shelly. She's the singlehanded warrior, the savvy cowgirl, the slithering soldier. She's getting a raw deal in the house and an even more raw deal outside of the house. I'm sad a summer that should have been fun for both her and her family is ending on such a sour note. After all, this is just a game show. Unfortunately, I think Shelly's time is up. It took almost 60 days, but the rest of the house is finally piecing together that Shelly has been the BB13 mastermind all along. She had a good run and I'll be heartbroken to see her go. She was an early favorite who caught my attention the first second I saw her mosey across that backyard with a ciggy hanging out of the side of her mouth. She lulled houseguests into a false sense of security, she deflected targets like Wonder Woman with her magic cuffs, and she mindfucked just about everyone in that house at one point or another. This bitch will miss you Shelly. Best of luck to you and your family.

I'll be back on Friday to discuss our new HOH. I need to step away for the rest of the week. Jeff's half-hearted smartass nonapology for his homophobia, Kalia saying she threw her dog against a wall, and the disgusting death threats being made against an innocent little girl make it extremely hard to want anything to do with this show anymore. What used to be fun has turned gross. What used to be all encompassing now makes me cringe. This entire season is a bust. Grodner needs to retire and a new E.P. should take over and breathe new life into the game we all used to love. I want to be addicted again. I want to get excited. I want to feel like my time hasn't been wasted. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!