What A Surprise Dot Com

In case you missed the Big Brother Gossip Show last night, you can check it out on iTunes (search "Big Brother Gossip" and click on the effeminate lilac icon) or catch it HERE. 

In addition to our unbiased and impartial (Ha!) analysis of the house tomfoolery, we awarded two lucky winners... TWO!... with official Big Brother t-shirts. And after all of our usual hijinks and comedic genius was said and done, Mike (@BBGossip) gave yours truly an amazing surprise that affects this here little bloggy blog. The rascal actually almost made me cry, but I did the pageant fanning the face thing and kept my tears at bay. It was very Gracie Lou Freebush.

Agree or disagree, snarl or cheer, but always have a good time and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS dunk your tits in glitter. 

I anticipate a slow week ahead of us in the house, but I'll try to pop in around Tuesday or so with a blog update. Thanks again everyone for listening! And if you haven't yet, what are you waiting for, heathens?!

Happy New Year!

From the pulpit to the Tweetdeck, one thing remains a constant: hypocrisy. A hypocrite here, a hypocrite there, here a hypocrite, there a hypocrite, everywhere a hypocrite. The Vicki Gunvalson's of the world stare glassily into their laptops furiously typing, "How dare she!" In one breath they gasp, "It's rigged! It's rigged!" In another, "Please step in! Please rig it so she doesn't win!" Pious sorts who spout, "It's OK if she lies, but it's not OK if SHE lies." Big Brother rules etched in stone for 14 years suddenly become vague and blurry... "Since when can't the POV winner not be nominated?" Oh Sheila, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander after all. Oh-oh-oh Ohhh Sheila. Let's recap, shall we?

Firstly, if you haven't heard this week's Big Brother Gossip Show yet, what are you waiting for? Not only can you win an official Big Brother t-shirt, but the mystery of Elvira (Elissa) is finally solved. Click HERE to catch up on all the tomfoolery and hijinks.

Yesterday began bright and early with J-U-DD and Elvira in the HOH room. The hot topic of the day is the mystery of who Elvira will put on the block in McCrae's place. Amanda won POV (YES!!!) and, obviously, she will use it to remove McCrae from the dreaded chopping block. As mentioned in my opening paragraph, the rules surrounding POV have suddenly become a strange and fuzzy enigma surrounded in secrecy and question marks for a whole slew of fans. For those of you having a hard time recalling how the POV works, allow me to explain how this extremely simple Big Brother fact works. The POV holder has the ability to remove one of the HOH's nominations. Are you with me so far? Great. The POV holder, as a reward for winning, cannot be nominated. I repeat - THE POV HOLDER CANNOT BE NOMINATED. Twas always thus and always thus will be. Got it? Good. Let's move on.

Since Amanda has won the POV, Elvira has decided that Aryan is her new target. To ensure that Aryan goes home, Elvira is considering putting Andy on the block in McCrae's place. Obviously, this doesn't sit well with the 3AM alliance (Amanda, Andy, Aryan, McCrae). Amanda, especially, doesn't want to lose either Andy or Aryan. Instead, Amanda would prefer if VaGina (GinaMarie) went up on the block and was voted out. On Saturday, Amanda and McCrae threatened to vote out Andy and keep Aryan in the game in an effort to piss off Elvira and prevent her HOH from being a success. Amanda made it her personal mission to do anything necessary to protect Andy from being nominated. Remember this little fact because it will come into play a little later.

Amanda's main argument for Elvira to put VaGina on the block is that VaGina will be a vote to keep Aryan in the game. J-U-DD has fallen for it and is now suggesting to Elvira that it might be better to put VaGina on the block. Personally, I think it's hysterical that J-U-DD is unknowingly doing Amanda's bidding. Since his return to the game, J-U-DD is a completely different person who has gone rogue and insists that he'll do what he wants to do, not what other people want him to do. I hate to break it to you J-U-DD, but you're still Amanda's bitch at this very moment in time.

Hearing J-U-DD's suggestion to put VaGina on the block in McCrae's place causes Elvira to sigh and hnmm mnmm. She tells J-U-DD how she regrets not nominating both Amanda and McCrae at the same time. Speaking of Amanda, Elvira has many many thoughts on her. Thoughts that we've all heard before, ad nauseam. "She's sooooo disgusting. I can't even look at her. She makes me want to puke." Elvira is doing that weird ranting thing she did earlier last week with Aryan. Her coping mechanism in life to constantly insult anyone and everyone who stands in her way of getting what she wants. Belittling others makes Elvira feel swell about herself.

While bitching and moaning about Amanda, Elvira brings up Howard and what a good person he was. She says, "Howard was a nice guy who never cursed." J-U-DD replies, "He cursed all the time!" Elvira says, "Really? What-ever. Amanda is sooooo disgusting." Basically, Elvira can't handle the truth.

Speaking of truth, Elvira has a knack for manipulating it and bending it to her own will. Earlier, McCrae made a joke about praying to the "Big Brother Gods" for Amanda to win POV. In that mushy mess that is Elvira's mind, she interprets this as an admission of Paganism. Elvira leans over and tells J-U-DD that McCrae is faking it when he reads the Bible because he really believes in a pantheon of reality gods and is totally sacrilegious. She states with all seriousness, "It's offensive that McCrae is sacrilegious." I shit you not. Naturally, when I hear something as ridiculous and ludicrous as this, I tweet about it. And boy am I glad I did! One of my followers (@DweezlerBB) tweeted back to me that the Big Brother God probably looks like Ganesh with Dr. Will's head. The lad whipped together a photo for me and... voila!

I give you the Big Brother God. Pray to the Big Brother God and he will remove any obstacles that stand between you and $500,000. Take the Big Brother God's name in vain and he'll force you to live with Elvira for all of eternity.

J-U-DD doesn't say much to Elvira's declaration that McCrae is sacrilegious. Instead, he tries to steer Elvira back to game talk. He tells her that if VaGina goes on the block, she'll be 100% safe and Aryan will go home. J-U-DD tells Elvira that this is their opportunity to flip the game and have a final 5 of himself, Elvira, Spencer, VaGina and Andy. J-U-DD says that Spencer would be his side alliance and VaGina would be Elvira's side alliance. Elvira tells J-U-DD that she's not close to Elvira at all. J-U-DD replies, "Oh, I thought you were." Elvira then tells J-U-DD that she doesn't know why he trusts Andy so much. She says that it makes her question J-U-DD's judgment in the game. She says, "If Aryan stays in the house this week, we should all self-evict because Amanda and McCrae will win the game." Ugh. I hate that. I hate when a player threatens to quit simply because she doesn't get her way. It's insulting to fans and the game.

J-U-DD then leaves the HOH and heads downstairs to tell Andy that he's probably going on the block. He tells Andy that he tried to convince Elvira to put up VaGina, but she wasn't falling for it. Amanda overhears the conversation and says that she's not going to give up. She tells Andy that she'll keep trying.

Aryan catches wind of the conversation and goes into the bedroom to wake up VaGina. She tells VaGina that she has good news and bad news. VaGina asks, "What's the good news?" Aryan replies, "Andy is going on the block." VaGina then asks, "What's the bad news?" Aryan says, "Andy is going home." Hearing this, VaGina sighs and wonders why Elvira doesn't just put up Spencer. Ayran tells VaGina that J-U-DD was up in the HOH all morning and that VaGina needs to lay low and act normal so Elvira doesn't put her on the block. (Side note: VaGina already knew that Andy was going on the block. )

We fast forward a little bit to where McCrae is finally awake and sitting outside. Out of nowhere, Elvira storms outside and starts hooting and hollering about Amanda. It went something like this:


"You need to tell your girlfriend to stop touching my things!"
"Amanda didn't touch shit."
"This is a TV show and no one is allowed to touch my personal property!"
(Elvira thinks Amanda touched the balls Elvira stole from the HOH competition)
"If you want to get mad at someone, get mad at VaGina. SHE found the balls NOT Amanda!
"I'm going to tell Production!"
"Good, I'm going to tell Production too! I'm going to the DR right now!"

McCrae then gets up and runs inside. While McCrae is inside, Elvira tells Andy that Amanda and McCrae keep going through her things. *sigh* No, they don't. VaGina found the balls and started to play with them. Elvira then asks Andy if he's ever seen Amanda and McCrae going through her things. Andy tells her no. Elvira ignores him and says, "Amanda took my jewelry and my Advil!"

McCrae then returns to the backyard and the fight continues. Point in fact, it was Elvira who went through McCrae's thing and moved his clothes around not the other way around.

"The DR says you're not allowed to go through my stuff." 
"Well, you're not allowed to go through mine!"
"No one touches your shit."
"Your nasty dirty clothes that haven't been washed for 3 weeks are in my drawers!"
"That's bullshit! You have 3000 drawers full of your shit!"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"VaGina took the ball! You're just looking for anything you can to blame on me and Amanda."
"You're gross!"
"You're gross."
"You're yelling at a woman!"
"You went through my things and now you're trying to spin it around on me."
"I didn't go through your stuff!"
"So my clothes magically switched drawers without asking me?"
"Just don't touch my stuff."
"Be polite and just ask me. Where I come from, people are polite."
"Don't touch my things!"
"Don't touch my things!"
"I would never touch your gross things!"

Yeah, so basically Elvira is a liar liar pants on fire. But wait, there's more!

Amanda then comes outside and McCrae sarcastically tells her, "Don't touch her stuff, ok?" Amanda replies, "Touch her stuff? What are you talking about?" McCrae jokes that since Amanda wants to be just like Elvira, she's always touching her stuff. Amanda bursts out laughing and says, "Zingbot said it the best. She's the trashy version of her sister. I didn't even have to say it because Zingbot said it for me." *bites fist* McCrae then shouts to Elvira, "I don't understand how you can live in a house with such scum. That must be so beneath you." Amanda joins in and says that Elvira's 78 year old husband, that she loves SO much, is waiting for her at home. She continues, "And her kid. Who knows who he belongs to. She never talks about her stepkids, only her son. What a great stepmom." Normally, I would say that Amanda was out of line and shouldn't bring family into the game BUT... but, but, but Elvira spent the previous night attacking Amanda on a personal level. Elvira talked for HOURS about Amanda's miscarriage and her ex-boyfriend. In this instance, fair is fair. It's tit for tat. Amanda didn't go ballistic over the pregnancy thing and Elvira isn't going nuts over the husband/son thing. They dish it, they take it. Big Brother fans, however, were up in arms screaming about it. They rabidly began tweeting CBS and Grodner to remove Amanda from the game. Remove her for what?! For doing exactly what Elvira does day in and day out (If you'll recall, Elvira also brought Aryan's ex-boyfriend into her "Aryan is so disgusting" rants earlier in the week.) Stop being hypocrites! If Amanda and Elvira aren't all bunged about it, then why are you?

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, Andy and VaGina are talking. VaGina tells Andy that if she has to, she'll vote out Aryan like she voted out Asshat (Jeremy). Andy tells VaGina that if she goes on the block, he'll vote to save her. (No, he won't) Andy whines, "Oh my god, if I go out at the hands of Elvira... I hope Amanda and McCrae don't betray me." He starts crying and VaGina leans over to hug him. Andy asks her to please tell him if he's the one leaving the game this week. He doesn't want to be blindsided. VaGina tells Andy that she knows Elvira is going after Amanda and McCrae hard. Andy asks her if she knows what J-U-DD is thinking.

Before VaGina can answer him, Elvira enters and says, "Amanda is batshit crazy. Like I'm offended by anything she says. She's just jealous of me and wishes she had everything I have." *bursts out laughing* Get real.

Amanda then enters the cockpit and starts blowing a party horn into Elvira's ear. Elvira quickly gets up to leave. Amanda keeps blowing her horn throughout the house and a genius idea hits her...

Meet Granny! Granny is a horn-tooting smack-talking sassy broad with a touch of the Alzheimer's who thinks everyday is New Year's Day. Granny introduces herself to J-U-DD with a toot and a smile. J-U-DD is a little scared of Granny and wonders what the hell is going on.

Granny then goes inside to introduce herself to VaGina. Amanda tells VaGina that she was loyal to Elvira since the beginning and did everything she could to keep Elvira safe in the game (True!). Since Elvira turned on Amanda and tried to backdoor, Amanda is going to make her life a living hell. She's sick of Elvira acting like she's better than everyone. VaGina nods and says that Elvira already has money and doesn't need the prize at all.

Granny then gets to work. She follows Elvira around the house tooting her horn and asking Elvira to play with her. At first Elvira laughs, but then she quickly runs upstairs and locks herself in the HOH room. Granny follows her and starts knocking her door, "Granny misses you Elvira. Don't you want to talk to Granny?"

Amanda then gets called to the Diary Room and everyone cracks up that she's going to do a DR dressed as Granny. When Amanda comes out she tells Aryan that everyday she'll be a new character. Tomorrow will be Berth the Butch Baseball Player and the day after that will be Francesca the Farting French Girl. Haha!

Before I continue, we desperately need to clear something up. Apparently, there are people out there that actually think Amanda is on something or has gone off the deep end. No, no, no, you twits. This is all part of an elaborate plan to get Elvira to nominate VaGina instead of Andy. The plan is for Granny to be a constant pain in the ass and torture Elvira. Andy will then act horrified by Granny and run up to the HOH to console Elvira like she's some wounded animal. Amanda's theory is that Elvira will be so moved by Andy's concern that she won't nominate him. It's a ballsy move, but Amanda is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save her alliance.

For most of the afternoon, Granny stalks Elvira and waits for her to leave the HOH room, but Elvira hides like the wimp she is. When Elvira refuses to come out of her room, Amanda goes outside and plops down on the couch. She tells everyone it's exhausting keeping this up for so long. She says that she now understands why Killer Kowalski (Jessie) quit her psychobabble after 30 minutes. J-U-DD has no idea what Amanda is up to so he remains incredibly uncomfortable with all of the Granny hoopla. Spencer, however, says it's fair game play. Amanda declares that she'll keep this up all night if she has to. She's positive that America thinks Elissa is a cunt. (Yup.) She then tells the group that it's actually really hard to pretend like she's mad at the people she likes. She explains that she's doing all of this so Andy will pick up the pieces Granny's tirade and save the day. Andy tells her that he already went up to talk to Elvira. Amanda replies, "Good."

On twitter and elsewhere, Granny isn't all that popular with the fans. They think she's a bully and should be removed from the house. Oh shut up. Just shut up. Amanda isn't physically threatening Elvira. Elvira's safety isn't at risk. If Elvira was smart, she'd climb down from her ivory tower and laugh in Amanda's face. Instead, Elvira is either hiding in the dark or bitching to Production. Elvira is a big girl and we all know she is extremely capable of defending herself. This victim thing she's doing is ridiculous. She even had the audacity to bitch to J-U-DD that she doesn't deserve this and that she just wants to play Big Brother. This IS Big Brother! This is the game. Right here. You're in it! Instead of hiding from it, go play it!

Remember when Dick went around the house banging pots and pans? Remember when he made Amber cry? Remember when he threw a drink in Jen's face? Remember when Rachel taunted the Have-Not's with her ooey gooey cookies? Why is it OK for those people to stir up trouble, but it's not OK for Amanda to do the same thing? The hypocrisy is nauseating. You don't have to like Amanda. You have every right in the world to despise her. What you don't have the right to do is say that it's OK for every other player except Amanda to be a troublemaker. How do you look yourself in the mirror in the morning? Like who you like, hate who you hate, but at least be honest with yourselves.

So, what do you think of the house hijinks? Will Bertha make an appearance today? Since Andy is most likely going on the block, will he stay or will he go? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Oh My God, You Guyzzz

Oh my goshhh you guyzzzz, this is soooo exciting hnmm mnmm. I'm like freaking ouuuut. Look at this photograph, hnmm mnmm, I think that guy right there is my husbannnd. He's either my husbannnd or the tour guide we had that one time we visited Canadaaaa, hnmm mnmm. And, oh my god, you guyzzz, Perfect Little Treasure drew me some picturezzz! Do you see the anger in his brush strokezz, unh? That means he's wetting his bed again. Oh myyy goddd, I got a yoga mat. But, this isn't Mandukaaaa. I wanted a Mandukaaa. Greek Yogurt yummm hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, shall we?

Where to begin? How does one pick up the pieces of a clusterfuck and put them together in a way that is both pleasing to the eye and not vomit inducing? Hell if I know! Let's dive right in and see if we can make sense of all of this.

When the Live Feeds click on, we discover that Spencer and McCrae have already dropped out of the competition. Jessie and Amanda are tied with 3 balls and Elvira (Elissa) is in the lead with 4 balls. Quickly and without haste, the balls being to fly again. Amanda and Elvira both catch a ball while Andy stumbles and falls.

Jessie falls next and was instructed to immediately leave the house as soon as she fell. On her way out the door she hollers, "Fuck you Amanda! I fucking hate you!" Jessie's a gem, isn't she? As Jessie waddles out the door we hear Aryan say, "I'm sorry Jessie. You are out of the game." This is mildly interesting to BB connoisseurs because it's the first time (that I can recall) we get to hear an HOH narrating an Endurance Competition. But wait! Jessie hasn't left the premises yet. No, she's still throwing a fit. She's throwing a fit and she's throwing balls at the Jurors heads. The feeds cut to fish for, what I suspect, are the men in white coats coming to drag Jessie away.

When the feeds come back we can hear Hell-en (Helen) feverishly telling Candice and J-U-DD that Elvira was the only one who voted to save her. Homegirl Hell-en is working overtime to make sure her precious Elvira lasts longer in the game. It's very Single White Female... only, it's Single Asian Female... but she's not single so I guess it's Married Asian Female which, if you ask me, doesn't sound like all that great of a movie. Does that make me a racist?

Hell-en must have had a premonition of her future in the Jury House because she falls with Candice falling right behind her. Welcome back to the Big Brother House, J-U-DD. Ahummina hummina.

As the only Juror left, J-U-DD is not only back in the house, but he can still compete for HOH. He tells the HG's that he wants to start the game anew and holds no grudges against anyone. The score is now J-U-DD with 3 balls, Amanda with 4 balls, Elvira with 6 balls and VaGina (GinaMarie) with 3 balls. On a personal note, I'm happy J-U-DD is back. The other options were too much of a nightmare so it's good to have that mumbling country boy back in our lives. Plus, it means we'll get some more J-U-DD impersonation on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night!

All of the HG's are extremely interested to hear what the Jury House is like. J-U-DD's reply is, "I've had to hear Oprah stories for the past two weeks. That's the only thing I'm bitter about." VaGina yells from her end of the arena, "Did you tap that (Candice or Jessie) or what?" J-U-DD replies, "Nah, we had different rooms." McCrae then asks what the movies in the house are like. J-U-DD tells them that the movies were similar to what they had in sequester. McCrae then asks what the Jurors were able to see of the evictions. J-U-DD says that the eviction DVD's were short and vague.

(intruders are in upper right hand box)

Then, out of nowhere, a heckler in a red wig and a giant foam finger comes racing into the backyard to distract the HG's. He hollers this and that as a security guard chases him. The fallen HG's on the bench yell to the HG's still competing to ignore the distraction and stay focused on the game. A lovely lady on Twitter was speculating that the unruly fan was Howie. I have no idea because I never got a glimpse of his face.

As much as we may like J-U-DD and his wacky mumble-speak, I am still annoyed that he is back. It is incredibly unfair to let an evicted HG reenter the house. And it would have been more unfair had he won HOH so it's a good thing he fell just as Elvira was catching her seventh ball. I'm not an Elvira fan (AT ALL), but I have to say that she was very smart in the way she played the game. See how her eyes are locked on the ball shooter thingie? This is immensely helpful when it comes to catching balls. Amanda, on the other hand, was more focused on not falling off her perch.

The competition continues and we quickly get two VERY close calls. Amanda loses her footing on her perch and falls to one side, but she grips her ball holder and manages to swing herself back into an upright position. Shortly after, the exact same thing happens to Elvira and we immediately know how important this HOH is to both women.

Despite her efforts and despite never falling off, Amanda simply didn't catch enough balls to pull out a victory. Elvira, with her eye on the ball shooter strategy, catches her tenth ball and is our new HOH. *stabs self in the eye with a hot poker*

There has been a lot of speculation and conspiracy theories circulating about Elvira's win and, believe me, I LOVE a good conspiracy theory, but Elvira won that comp fair and square. No one cheated, no one was pushed and no one was told when to jump. Any sightings of Production behind the wall are simply of the crew maintaining the apparatus.

After the HOH is over and everyone has had their showers, we find Elvira and J-U-DD in the bathroom. Elvira is wasting no time jumping on the Amanda Hate Train. She corners J-U-DD and tells him that Amanda, McCrae and Aryan wanted to backdoor him for months. You and I both know this isn't true, but lying is part of the game. I can accept this. I can accept people lying in order to stay in the house longer. It's always baffling to me when I see peoples panties in a twist over Amanda or Andy lying in their game play. EVERYONE in the house lies! Why is it OK for Hell-en and Elvira to lie, but not OK for Amanda and her crew to lie? The hypocrisy amongst the BB fan base is laughably ridiculous.

Anyhow, J-U-DD doesn't seem all too concerned with the information that Elvira is telling him. He says to her, "Sorry fer not huggin' you when I left the house." Elvira ignores him and asks if he'll vote out whomever she puts up. J-U-DD replies, "I'm startin' fresh." Elvira then asks, "You're not mad at Amanda and McCrae?" Again, J-U-DD says that he's not holding any grudges and has no alliances. He is starting the game completely fresh. Elvira then asks him why Jessie is so mad at her. J-U-DD has no idea, but he says that Jessie told him about how she was stalking Elvira that one day.

Over in the bedroom we see Amanda frantically doing some damage control since J-U-DD is back in the house. She tells Aryan to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en threatened her and she had to put J-U-DD on the block during that Double Eviction. Amanda tells Aryan that she has to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en said he was MVP (The truth is that Amanda said it). Amanda reiterates that they need to blame everything on Hell-en. Aryan nods and doesn't say much, but Amanda is worried because she can't remember exactly what she said to J-U-DD in her goodbye message to him.

In all parts of the house, everyone is super curious about what Jury is like. They ask J-U-DD all sorts of questions and with each answer the feeds go down. The feeds even cut to fish when J-U-DD begins to tell everyone how he thinks that Candice really likes Howard for real. At one point when the feeds come back up we hear J-U-DD saying that he wish he knew what he was and wasn't allowed to say (Production must have given him a warning.). Nonetheless, the remaining HG's fill J-U-DD in on how Jessie went batshit crazy the week she got evicted.

Off in another room, we find McCrae and Spencer quietly whispering to each other. McCrae doesn't think having J-U-DD back in the game changes anything. McCrae insists that J-U-DD is still a marked man. McCrae admits that he feels like he and Amanda are "super at risk" this week. Spencer assures McCrae that he'll still back him up and be loyal this week.

In the bathroom we find Amanda and Elvira whispering. The blow dryers are blowing loudly so it's extremely hard to hear exactly what they're saying. What I'm able to pick up is Amanda reminding Elvira how they've protected her throughout the game. Elvira doesn't seem to care much. Amanda mentions something about J-U-DD going on the block and Elvira firmly says that she's not putting up J-U-DD, but she might put up McCrae. Elvira then says how Aryan is the one who sent Hell-en home, but she doesn't have the balls to accept responsibility. Instead, she blames everyone else. Again, it's extremely difficult to hear them, but Elvira seems firm in her decision and not interested in hearing what other people think.

Elvira mumbles something about splitting up VaGina and Aryan. Amanda tells her that the best way to do that is to put both of them on the block. If VaGina wins POV, then Aryan will still go home. If Elvira doesn't put VaGina on the block, she can still win POV and save Aryan. Amanda is insistent that the way to assure Aryan goes home is to put VaGina up with her. Elvira says nothing and walks away.

The talk with Elvira is incredibly worrisome to Amanda so she and McCrae go into the cockpit. Amanda rehashes her bathroom conversation with Elvira and tells McCrae that Elvira wants Aryan to go home. She says that Elvira wants to nominate Aryan with either herself or McCrae. Amanda explains how she is trying to get Elvira to nominate VaGina and Aryan together.

McCrae, also worried, tells Amanda that she needs to stay on top of Elvira. Amanda says she doesn't want to push her too much because Elvira pushes back. Amanda tells McCrae that if J-U-DD asks any questions about his eviction, he has to say that Hell-en told them J-U-DD was MVP. McCrae asks Amanda if Aryan knows to say that as well. She tells him that she already talked to Aryan about blaming everything on Hell-en. McCrae worries that Aryan could flip and use it against them.

Andy then enters the cockpit and Amanda immediately tells him that Elvira doesn't want to nominate Spencer or J-U-DD with Aryan. She tells Andy that Elvira wants to put up someone stronger like her or McCrae. McCrae tells Andy he needs to work on Elvira, but not to push it too much because Elvira doesn't like to be pushed. Andy sighs and wishes they could just get rid of J-U-DD. Amanda tells him how Elvira was adamant about not nominating J-U-DD. McCrae says he's super worried about J-U-DD comparing notes with the other HG's. Andy laments that J-U-DD coming back into the game screws up everything. Andy doesn't want Amanda or McCrae to go up on the block, but he also doesn't want to go up on the block himself. Meanwhile, McCrae doesn't understand why Elvira wants to put up a strong person this week. He says that she can't play in HOH next week and everyone will be after her.

Amanda is super worried that both she and McCrae will go up on the block. McCrae tells her that that's exactly what will happen if VaGina wins POV. McCrae keeps saying, "What a fucking nightmare." Andy sighs, "It's going to be so hard to get J-U-DD out." Amanda contributes, "This is the absolute worst case scenario." Before Andy leaves the cockpit, he reassures McCrae and Amanda that they can get through this.

Once Andy leaves, Amanda begins to cry. She tells McCrae that J-U-DD is going to screw everything up (Not J-U-DD, Elvira!). Through sniffles and tears she says she doesn't want to leave yet. If she gets voted out she'll have to go to the Jury House with all those girls that will be mean to her.

Fast forwarding a little, we arrive at Elvira's HOH reveal which is a nightmare of hnmm mnmm's and unh's. Elvira says over and over again, "I'm sooo excited. I'm freaking ouuuuuttt. I don't know what I'm going to doooo when I'm seeing pictures of my familyyyy. I'm going to die, hnmm mnmm." Sadly, she didn't die. Instead she hnmm mnmm'd all over everything and says to a photograph, "That's my little family, mnmm." Amanda then comments on of the photos, "That doesn't even look like you in that picture. That's crazy." Amanda, my love, that photo was probably pre-op Elvira.

In addition to photographs, Elvira also got some hand painted art from Perfect Little Treasure. Elvira says, "Oh my goshhhh, this is sooo beautiful." Later she remarks how the drawings look like her son was angry when he made them (???).

Not everything is sunshine and roses in Elvira's HOH. For example, the eyelashes in her HOH basket aren't the kind that she wears. The ones in her basket are "ridiculous". She also didn't get a Manduka yoga mat... "This is not my favorite yoga mat. Manduka is my favorite." If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that, hours before the HOH reveal, I predicted that the brand of her yoga mat would be an issue. For all of you non-yogis, Manduka is one of the most expensive yoga mats. I don't have a Manduka myself, but I'd cut off my left tit to get one. If anyone wants to buy me one, I would love THIS ONE and THIS ONE. Some people got annoyed with me this morning for pointing out that Elvira was bitching about her yoga mat because Elvira said her Manduka was too heavy. Well, Manduka makes lighter travel ones, numbskulls! I'm going to step out of this paragraph right now because I get way too fired up when talking about yoga. Namaste.

In addition to an insufficient yoga mat, Elvira got a Taylor Swift CD (the horror!) and a letter from Rachel (even more horrifying!). And that is where I will end this today. I suspect that Elvira will be nominating Aaryn and Amanda for eviction this afternoon.

So, what did you think of the HOH competition? Are you happy Elvira won? Is Aryan Elvira's real target or is it Amanda? Will you be daytime drinking heavily today during the Kiss The Hnmm Mnmm Ring sessions? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

So Disgusting

You guys are so disgusting, hnmm mnmm. You like have no character to come here day after day and read about MY life experiences, unh. Go get your own life experiences. When I look at you, I see magnets. Wait, not magnets. If you were magnets then you would attract me. You're anti-magnets! Hnmm mnmm. You repel me. Sitting there with your poor character and nothing at all to offer the world, I simply can't be around you anymore. Like, I'm charitable and I have my ministry, hnmm mnmm, but you guys are horrible people. God doesn't like horrible people and neither do I, unh. God only likes proven commodities like me and Candice. We're like successful powerful women who know the value of dating men for their bank accounts, hnmm mnmm. Oh my god, I can't talk you guys anymore. You're so jealous of me, unh. Let's recap, shall we?

If you don't want to kill yourself after today's post, then I haven't done my job. It's as simple as that. What started out as an innocent Tuesday got raped and assaulted violently by hnmm mnmm's and moans. That's right. Elvira (Elissa) personality #666 is back and she's got some souls to crush.

Let's begin in the backyard with Hell-en (Helen) and Elvira drinking some coffee and engaging in some morning chitchat. Hell-en begins by saying that she thinks McCrae has been brainwashed, but there might be more to him than meets the eye. Hell-en tells Elvira that she's disappointed in McCrae as if he was her own son. Elvira then asks Hell-en if she thinks Andy, McCrae and Amanda are better character wise than VaGina (GinaMarie) and Aryan. It's a strange question that Elvira decides to answer herself. She says that Amanda is playing the game and says some really ridiculous things sometimes, but Aryan and VaGina aren't solid as people. They wouldn't know how to handle a crisis. Hell-en then says that Amanda is a phenomenal player. She says, "She's phenomenal. She's amazing. I would vote for her to win." Hell-en continues and says that she's rather go out of the game under Amanda's influence than say someone like Spencer. Hell-en says if she ever has to get something done in the world, she'd call Amanda and be like, "What the hell do I need to do?" In other words, Amanda is a go getter.

The conversation switches to Aryan and how Hell-en wants her and Elvira to work on both Aryan and VaGina. Elvira tells Hell-en that she doesn't trust Aryan and Aryan just says whatever Hell-en wants to hear. Elvira says that Aryan would just run to Amanda and tell her everything anyways. Hell-en sighs and tells Elvira that she has to put her trust in someone. Hell-en tells her that she really believes that Aryan was close to backdooring Amanda the other night (She was.).

#666 can't stay dormant any longer so she claws her way up Elvira's esophagus and spews pea soup everywhere. Elvira says that Aryan is a horrible person who has said some horrible things. Hell-en inhales sharply and you can tell she is desperate to calm Elvira down. Hell-en tells Elvira that Aryan has been trying to rebuild her reputation because she is concerned with how she was portrayed in the first half of the game. Elvira interrupts and says, "So now she's being fake on camera." Helen sighs and says, "No, like siding with me and siding with the moms." Elvira says, "Even though it's totally fake and she's running to Amanda." Elvira continues and tells Hell-en that she's happy she's trying to stay in the game, but that she (Elvira) will never change her ming on Aryan, "Aryan isn't a solid person and doesn't have good character."

Again, Hell-en takes a deep breath and tries to reason with Elvira. Hell-en says that she tries to see the good in people (like me!). Elvira replies, "Unh that's going to get you screwed over hnmm mnmm." Hell-en, fighting the good fight yet getting nowhere, says that she believes peoples life experiences shape who they are and we don't know if something may have happened to Aryan. Elvira's eyes turn black as she says that Aryan is a horrible influence on VaGina. VaGina had the opportunity to be saved and turned into a good person like Elvira or Hell-en, but she blew it by hanging out with Aryan.

Hell-en desperately wants to get the conversation back on track, but Elvira keeps turning it into an Aryan Bash-fest. You see, Hell-en is simply trying to give Elvira advice on how to stay in the game after she leaves. Let's face it, Elvira is not one for advice. She is already perfect!

Hell-en, not one to give up on fighting the good fight, tells Elvira that Aryan is incredibly ambitious for a 22 year old. Elvira snorts and says that if she and Hell-en were on Adderall when they were 22, they'd be ambitious too. Elvira says that Aryan couldn't decide whether or not to go on the Real World or Big Brother. Elvira claims that Aryan chose Big Brother for the possibility of winning money. Hell-en says there is nothing wrong with Aryan wanting to be famous. Elvira chortles about how Aryan once dating a pro hockey player, but that he might not have been a pro after all. Hell-en says quietly, "She got her heart broken [by him]." Elvira replies, "Well, she should have been a nicer person." *smacks self in head* Elvira says, "I'm like such a charitable person, hnmm mnmm. Aryan would steal your husband. If you have something she wants, she'll just take it."

The conversation was completely ridiculous. On the one hand, we have Hell-en being a good sport trying to help Elvira out in the game and give her advice. On the other hand, we have Elvira in the throes of a raging jealous obsession with Aryan. You heard me right - Elvira is OBSESSED with Aryan. Aryan has done nothing to Elvira this week, but try to be nice to her. True, Elvira was on the block, but she was never in danger of going anywhere. Instead, Aryan heeded everyone's advice and has been civil to Elvira. Elvira, however, is so wrapped up in her weirdo jealousy of Aryan that Aryan is all she can talk about. Elvira hated Aryan well before any of the race crap started and she has continued to hate her well after it ended. For someone who is so Christian and "good", you'd think she'd be more forgiving. I'm the farthest thing from a Christian and I hold grudges like you wouldn't believe, but even I have managed to forgive Aryan.

Finally, the conversation comes to a close and we all breathed a sigh of relief. I did some yoga, had a bite to eat, watched some Real Housewives and popped a pain pill. Innocently, I turned the feeds back on expecting to see the houseguests getting ready for the day. Oh Christ. Hell-en and Elvira are talking again. *grabs a crucifix* Wish me luck.

Once again the Mom Squad is outside chatting and once again Elvira is obsessed with Aryan. Elvira is telling Hell-en that she doesn't talk to Aryan or VaGina because she doesn't want to speak to them, not because she wants Hell-en to speak for her. Hell-en is simply (and weirdly) going to the ends of the earth to make sure Elvira is safe after Hell-en leaves the game. Before I continue, let's talk about this. Why why why is Hell-en more concerned about keeping Elvira safe than she is about playing her own game? Hell-en gives gives gives and Elvira takes takes takes. You know those people in life that you can't stand, but for some reason you find yourself doing nice things for them and worrying what they think about you? Those are psychic vampires. They suck the life out of you and use it for themselves. I would like to go on record saying that Elvira is a psychic vampire.

Hell-en, bless her, tries and tries to give Elvira the pep talk she needs to win the next HOH, but Elvira, damn her, keeps swinging the conversation back to Aryan. It went something like this:

"I can't wait to never ever ever, I mean EVER, speak to Aryan again."
"Now, I don't want you to worry or get nervous before the next HOH comp."
"Aryan is so spoiled. She hasn't had any life experiences, hnmm mnmm."
"You won at OTIV. You can win at anything!"
"Candice had great character. Candice is a proven commodity. Sorry you're not as successful as Candice, Aryan. Sorry!"
"When you put your mind to it, you can win at anything!"
"Candice was a professional cheerleader. Sorry you weren't Aryan, unh."
"You were a beast in POV this week. You were SO good at it!"
"Aryan is so gross, unh. I can't believe I have to stay here with these people."
"I love you. I do. I love you and I want you to win."
"Aryan is so much prettier than I am. I mean, she's gross. Really gross!"

The conversation ends with Hell-en crying about how she never felt beautiful until now. I shit you not. In the middle of Elvira raving like a lunatic, Hell-en had an emotional breakthrough. She tells Elvira that she never beautiful until she entered the Big Brother house. The two hug as Elvira coos, "Aryan has such poor character" into Hell-en's ear.

Finally, FINALLY, we can get away from Elvira and focus on Amanda who is finally awake. Amanda has been itching to talk to Hell-en about all the shit she's been saying about her and now is the time. The two sit in the cockpit and Hell-en begins, "If I go, I won't be a bitter Jury member. I know this is a game and I know when I've met my match." Amanda tells Hell-en that the reason she got so angry yesterday at Hell-en is because Hell-en's tactics have been personal. Hell-en nods and agrees with Amanda. Amanda says that she's not a bully and that she's probably the only person who has been honest to Hell-en (This is true. Instead of lying to Hell-en about her vote, she told her to her face she would vote to keep Spencer.). Hell-en then tells Amanda that she loves her and wants to have good times in the house. She says that Amanda is the one of the smartest people she's ever met and that she wants to leave the house on good terms. Hell-en apologizes for the things she said to McCrae yesterday. She tells Amanda that she didn't feel good about the conversation after it was over and that she knew it wasn't right. Amanda tells Hell-en that she felt like Hell-en was campaigning against her when she's not even on the block. Hell-en apologizes again.

Amanda then tells Hell-en that the only reason she came after Hell-en is because she heard that Hell-en was coming after her (Andy told Amanda that Hell-en was targeting her.). She tells Hell-en that she cares about her and loves her, but this is purely a game move. She says that Elvira was laughing at her yesterday and it made her feel uncomfortable. Hell-en tells Amanda that Elvira is playing for herself. Meanwhile, Elvira is outside the door eavesdropping.

Hell-en continues, "Elvira is Elvira. She will heed any advice I give her." Hell-en then begins to lay on the compliments super thick. She tells Amanda again how much she loves her, how smart she is, etc. Amanda thanks Hell-en and tells her that it upsets her when people say she bosses McCrae around. She tells Hell-en that it's McCrae that drives her to succeed in this game, not the money. She says she dreads getting evicted only because she doesn't want to be separated from McCrae. Hell-en is happy to hear this and tells her that she's happy she had a hand in getting Amanda and McCrae this far (WHAT?). Hell-en says that she wants someone she has worked with to win the game. The two hug it out and agree to enjoy Hell-en's last few days in the house... if they are her last.

Oh Christ. Hell-en and Elvira are outside again. Hell-en tells Elvira about her conversation with Amanda and how she told Amanda that she appreciates her. She tells Elvira that she wants to be able to comfortably spend time with Amanda & McCrae before she leaves the house. Elvira's reply is thus, "Unh, it's so ridiculous, hnmm mnmm. Aryan is so disgusting and repulsive. She 's the worst person I've ever met in my entire life. She's such a child. She has nothing to offer... EVER!" Umm ok. Keep in mind that Hell-en wasn't even talking about Aryan. She was talking about Amanda!

Hell-en tries to change the subject and tells Elvira to focus on the game. Here we go again...

"Oh my gosh. It's so horrible. I hate her. She is so jealous of me. In the game even. I haven't even won any HOH's and she's bitterly jealous of me."
"You need to focus and win HOH."
"She just wants to be the center of attention and if anyone take the attention off of her it makes her fiery mad."
"Look at my thigh. I'm losing so much weight."
"Aryan comparing herself to me is like me comparing myself to Poppy Montgomery or Oprah."
"In my heart of hearts I know Andy won't vote for me to stay."
"Unh, don't say that, hnmm mnmm. I hate Aryan!"

After another 8 hours of Elvira drooling over Aryan, Amanda and Elvira meet in the cockpit. If you'll remember yesterday, Amanda has been preparing for this meeting and planning what she wants to say. The conversation begins as soon as Elvira walks into the cockpit, "I can't deal with these people (i.e. Aryan)." Amanda tells Elvira that she heard about all the conversatino yesterday where she was being called a bully. Amanda says, "I've NEVER attacked you or Hell-en personally." Elvira replies, "You know who did that? You're little sidekick Aryan!" (UGH) Elvira continues, "Aryan is so disgusting." Amanda doesn't blink an eyelash and tells Elvira that she is one of the only people who has been honest with her this whole time. She says, "So many people in this house lie to your face. The only reason I'm going after Hell-en is because she's coming after me." Elvira says, "Aryan is going after you." (SHE DOESN'T STOP!) "Aryan is jealous of me and that's why she starts fights with me. She isn't even on my level." (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?)

With Amanda the Aryan talk is one ear and out the other. Her main concern is getting Elvira to trust her so she tells Elvira how upset she is because she's always had Elvira's back and now Hell-en is turning Elvira against her. Amanda says she has never said a bad word about Elvira and Hell-en, but from a game perspective she feels she can trust Elvira more than Hell-en (LOL LIE). Amanda says that so many people are going after Elvira, but she and McCrae have been protecting her. Amanda then tells Elvira that Hell-en told her Elvira was going after her. Elvira gets pissy and says that she doesn't know why Hell-en is talking for her.

I could go on and on about this conversation and about how Elvira says everyone in the house is as dumb as a brick wall and how Candice is a proven commodity (SHE'S NOT EVEN THERE) and how Aryan makes her sick to her stomach and how everyone is so stupid and how Elvira will always be successful and how no one in the house should bother talking to you... *clicks rifle and shoots face off*

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Aryan is pissed off that Amanda is even talking to Elvira. SHE'S DOING IT FOR YOU, YOU TWIT! Amanda is downstairs enduring hell to make sure Elvira doesn't go after 3AM, but Aryan doesn't see that. All Aryan sees is Amanda kissing up to Elvira. Naturally, this gets VaGina all wound up so she contributes some game talk as well, "Fuckin' muthafuckas. Rats! I love you Nick. My twat itches, yo!"

Immediately after the conversation with Elvira, what do you think Amanda does? She goes right upstairs to tell her alliance everything! Is Aryan happy that Amanda is going to the ends of the earth to save her ass? NO! Aryan is super pissy. Like, spoiled brat pissy. After Amanda tells her everything she said to Elvira, Aryan replies, "Great. You saved yourself. Thanks." Amanda sits quietly and everyone watching the feeds could see the wheels spinning in her head. She literally just spent over an hour making sure her alliance will be ok in the coming weeks and now her alliance is angry with her. The look on Amanda's face read as exasperated. You could see her saying to herself, "Why the hell am I going out on a limb for these people? They don't get it!" I was even saying these things to myself. I loved 3AM. I was excited by 3AM. I thought 3AM would make such an interesting final 4, but Aryan's attitude right now makes me want Amanda to kick her out and replace her with Spencer or something. That should tell you exactly how ungrateful Aryan was. I hate Spencer!

Amanda tries desperately to make everyone understand that she was working on their behalf, but the tension in the room is so thick that she can't help but comment on it. Amanda asks, "Am I acting shady right now because I'm trying to be honest?" Spencer says she is kind of acting shady but he understands what she was doing. VaGina, on the other hand, says, "I ain't gonna promise nobody nuthin'!" Amanda says, "I never promised anything." It was a sad scene. Really sad. You have the two twits not grasping anything that's going on and Spencer too afraid to piss off anyone.

So that's where I'll end this today. Should Amanda kick Aryan out of 3AM? Why is Elvira so obsessed with Aryan? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!