The Slap Heard Around The World

Alcohol. Nectar of the gods. Bacchanalian delight. It makes your inhibitions fall to the wayside and your secrets bubble to the surface. Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "Wine is bottled poetry." Well, that's all fine and good Bobby, but I would argue that wine, in the Big Brother house, is bottled asshole-ishness. It doesn't quite roll off the tongue like that poetry line, but it'll work for now. In the Big Brother house wine is not only your unzipping, but it is your undoing. One sip of the good stuff sloshing around inside your mouth and your lips gets loose, your tongue goes wagging, and those gums, they go a'flapping. Stone-faced players turn into bowls of transparent Jell-O. Wicked hosebeasts turn into even wickeder hosebeasts. And, naturally, I'd like the entire backyard turned into a vineyard as soon as is humanly possible. Let's recap, shall we?

Not much happened during the day yesterday at all. It was basically a bunch of useless people being useless by the pool. Shelly smoked (her skin) and Jordan paddled around in the water. Apparently, Kalia got a warning from the DR about her singing. If she keeps it up, not only will they give her a penalty nomination, but they'll dock her stipend. Finally! If you don't watch the feeds, you should know that Houseguests are not allowed to sing in the house and everytime they do sing, the feeds go down until they shut their giant traps. Kalia sings ALL THE TIME. Therefore, the feeds go down ALL THE TIME. It's been going on since week one and I'm not sure who or what made CBS finally threaten her, but I'd like to write that person a thank you note. Actually, I think it was a Michael Jackson song that finally pushed CBS over the edge. Can you imagine the price of having to pay for the rights to use an MJ song? Astronomical, I would think. I would also think that Kalia's measly stipend wouldn't even cover 1/10th of it. So, thank you Michael. Shamon.

I'm going to fast forward right to BBAD where we find Shelly furiously cleaning and Daniele dipping into her HOH wine. The HG's are preparing for the big hot dog eating contest between Adam and Brendon. Giant glasses of water are poured and a huge plastic bowl of weiners is delivered. Jeff splits open all the buns while Adam plans his attack. Each bun is carefully placed over a napkin lining the counter while Shelly sneaks outside for a quick smoke. Somehow a raw egg became a bonus round and Kalia stood by somewhere and drooled.

Finally, the contest is ready to begin. Brendon ninja kicks the air. Adam adjusts his bandana. Kalia hides under the counter waiting to catch any crumbs and Jeff banishes Rachel from the contest area. On your mark, get set, go!




Adam uses the separating method and immediately sends 5 weiners to his belly. Brendon daintily nibbles on a hot dog while Adam furiously shoves buns into glasses of water. Brendon whips out a knife and fork and chops his dogs into tiny little ladylike pieces. Rachel stands on the sidelines and fans her man with a towel. Meanwhile, the entire crowd is cheering for Adam. "You got this Adam! Take your time Adam! Go Adam!" Rachel jumped up and down banging on an inflated trash bag. "Bren-don! Bren-don! Bren-don!" I took my rifle out from underneath my bed and shot her right between the eyes. Try saying "Bren-don" now, bitch. *blows on the end of the barrell*



Adam finishes his 10th dog, cracks an egg into a glass and guzzles it down. With a primal metal scream and a string of belches, Kalia, I mean Adam, is the winner.



While the dogs settle and burps subside, Rachel sneaks upstairs to make her final pitch to Daniele about keeping Brendon in the game. She begins the conversation with, "Isn't Brendon so fun?" Daniele rolls her eyes and says, "Oh my god, that's really how you're going to pitch this to me?" Daniele quickly assures Rachel that she'll work on Porsche for her vote to keep Brendon. Rachel thinks it's a waste of time and wonders what the chances are of getting Kalia to flip. Daniele thinks that in the end Kalia will do what she wants to do. Rachel asks Daniele how she'll vote in the event of a tie. Daniele asks her who she thinks the 3 will be to keep Brendon. Rachel says herself, Jeff and Jordan. Daniele confesses that if the vote comes to a tie, it puts her in a really bad spot. Rachel understands, but tells Daniele that she needs to think about who will help her get to the end. Is Shelly really that person?

Rachel wants to talk to Kalia with Brendon and pitch a deal. Daniele tells Rachel that all Kalia cares about is people in the house liking her. This little fun fact goes in one of Rachel's ears and out the other. Actually, Daniele is pretty astute in her assessment of Kalia. I said last week that Kalia was insecure and self-sabotaging. She destroyed her own HOH out of a need to please others. Rachel would do well to pay attention to these little tidbits as they could be used to reel Kalia in at a later date. The conversation continues and I'll admit that I'm a little lost. Daniele swears she'll help Rachel try to keep Brendon and all I can think is, "Wait. What? Really? How come?" Usually Daniele is pretty straightforward about not wanting to keep certain people in the game so I have to scratch my head and wonder why the hell she wants Brendon to stick around.

Daniele tells Rachel that she told Brendon that if he leaves, she has Rachel's back. Now, I'm really confused. Daniele assures Rachel that they are in a secret alliance that she will keep from Kalia. If Rachel ever tells anyone about their secret alliance, then Daniele will deny it to her death and go back on it. But, for now, Daniele wants to work with Rachel. *sigh* Really? Come on! I hope she's lying, but, to steal a phrase from Shelly, Daniele has always been a "striaght shooter" when it comes to telling Rachel where her head is at. If she didn't trust Rachel, she'd tell her to her face. She's done it in the past so I'd assume, if she felt the same way, she'd do it again now. But, she's not doing it again now. She's Team Rachel now. *throws hands in the air* I don't get it. If I missed something, let me know in the comments. I asked people last night on Twitter about this and no one else seems to know what's going on either. I welcome any explanations.

Now, let's move on to what had Twitter all a'twitter last night... the big Rachel & Brendon fight. It was probably the biggest one we've seen yet and, if I do say so myself, it was awesome. The fights are what I live for. Salty, delicious, crumbly fights. Rachel leaves the HOH and Brendon immediately pounces on her saying that by the look on her face, it didn't go well with Dani. Au contraire mon frere! It went swimmingly. Rachel is in a secret alliance and has her ass covered in the event that you leave. We all wondered if Rachel would spill her new deal to her bohunk boyfriend, but, to everyone's delight, she kept her mouth shut. All Rachel tells Brendon is that their only hope is Kalia and that if they can't get Kalia, Daniele probably wouldn't save him in the event of a tie. She shrugs her shoulders and acts defeated. But, BUT, really, deep down inside she knows she's ok. Her silence is impressive. Too bad the rest of her isn't.

Brendon lurches into the kitchen to make some coffee and Rachel approaches shortly after. They whisper to each other some more with Rachel firmly strapping a "sad face" on. Suddenly, she mopes over to the fridge, leans in, takes out a beer, snaps it open, smiles with daggers in her eyes and then closes the fridge again. Brendon says, "What the hell are you doing?! That was Porsche's beer, wasn't it?" Rachel giggles in response and that was all it took. The opening of a beer can. So innocent and so evil all at the same time. Brendon says, "Stop it! You're fucking pissing me off now!" He summons his harlot into the Have-Not room and here we go...

Rachel tells him to please not yell at her, but her request falls on deaf ears. That's what they're here for - for Brendon to yell at her. He immediately launches into a tirade about how he's worked so hard for her to stay in the game and then she goes and does something stupid like opening Porsche's beer. On this point, Brendon is right. He sacrificed himself for her and she very flippantly does stupid little shit that could destroy her (and his) credibility in the game. I get it. I completely understand where he's coming from. Brendon wonders why he's killing himself to keep her in this game and Rachel says, "I don't know. You shouldn't have come back. Basically." *bites fist* Ahaha!



Brendon sighs and then paces around the room beating on his own chest like an angry gorilla. He asks why she's giving up so easy. Is it so she can hang out with him in the Jury House? Rachel says yes and explains that she'll never make it to the final two. Now, I don't know what Brendon did in sequester (Skype), but it seems like he really doesn't want Rachel around him in Jury. Is it because he wants her to win or is it because she's a vile exhausting hag? *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? He's mad she's giving up so easily. Rachel whines that she's not giving up. And around and around we go.



The frustration builds and Brendon begins to wave his arms more than usual. Rachel perches herself on a dresser while Brendon continues wearing the floorboards thin. Rachel insists she'll fight as hard as she can and with one quick "Shh!", Brendon tells her through clenched teeth to keep her mouth shut and lower her voice. He can yell as loud as he wants, but she's not allowed to speak. I realize her voice is annoying, but does he have scientific proof that it carries much further than his own voice? Does he have a marble journal of scientific data back in his studio apartment at UCLA? In this situation, Brendon is being an asshole, but why Rachel doesn't ignore him and tell him to keep his own voice down, I don't know. If I could reach through the tv and strangle some sense into her, I would. It's incredibly frustrating to watch someone sit glassy-eyed and not respond how you want them to.



For some reason, Brendon becomes very angry with Rachel sitting on the dresser. I think it's because he wants to sit on the bed and, like the Dalai Lama, no one else can sit higher than he does. That's the only explanation I can come up with because the second he insists she gets down from the dresser, he sits down on the bed. Once they're on the bed, Brendon becomes very angry with the mattress and begins to punch it. I don't know what the mattress ever did to him, but it's going to suffer for it... Ohhh, it'll suffer! The best part about the matress punch is how Twitter blew up in response. "If he can punch the bed, he'll punch her next!", "Oh my god, he's abusing her!", "@CBS should remove him from the house for beating her!" Lots of ridiculous ranting from some really uptight people who don't see the promise of what could be.

Let me lay it out for you, I want Brendon to punch Rachel. Before you get all angry, hear me out. Can you imagine the backlash that would come from Brendon smacking Rachel on the feeds? Ho.Ly. Shit! He would be removed from the house, he'd probably get kicked out of school, his future would be over, his reputation done and the world would hate him. I don't know about you, but that sounds fantastic to me. Am I the only one who has the foresight to see Brendon splashed all over the tabloids with the headline, "The Slap Heard Around The World!" We can all see how bad this relationship is for Rachel. Clearly, the girl needs a wake up call before she ruins her life for this kid. I don't like Rachel at all, but I also don't want to see any woman in a suffocatingly abusive relationship. Better to get it all over with with one solid punch and then move on. Besides, the show could use the ratings boost. It's a win-win for everyone. He's a sadistic asshole. Let's let him suffer a bit. I mean, why not?

Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, Daniele got drunk and had two game changing conversations: one with Shelly and one with Jeff & Jordan. I haven't seen them yet and it'll take me a while to Flashback so I'll let you guys leave your thoughts on it in the comments. From what I can gather, Daniele may have spilled everything to Jeff & Jordan while at the same time begging them to take her back. It sounds messy and fascinating all at the same time, but, then again, that's what wine does to you. One second you're the life of the party and the next you're searching for your panties on the floor of some random person's apartment. Bottled poetry indeed! Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Tomorrow is my day off so I'll see you on Friday.

Shut Your Pie Hole

Yesterday on Battlestar Suckalotica, a bunch of boring people did boring things and we all sat around bored with our thumbs in our asses. Isn't that what bored people do? Sit around sticking appendages into orifices? *shrugs shoulders* I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know about this house anymore. I don't know about America anymore. I don't know about anything anymore. I'm in that slump I get in around Week 8 or 9 - which is strange and unusual considering it's only like Week 5! There's no energy in the house. There's no life. All we're left with are 8 lumps of sad sadness with nothing to say and no one to say it to. Occasionally, someone burbles and we're all thankful for it, but, other than that, there's not a whole lot going on. I long for school kids with new backpacks scurrying to the bus stop. I long for the leaves changing and the nights turning chilly. I long for this madness to end already! Let's recap, shall we?



I'd like to start off today addressing you, America. You voted Brendon back into the house and now I want to know if you're pleased with yourself. Are you happy returning things to status quo? Does it give you pleasure to see hours upon hours of dysfuctional love? Has Brendon brought you the grand payoff you were hoping for? I worry about you, America. I worry about where your head is at. I worry about your garage meth labs, the syringes strewn across your floors and the half empty bongs sitting in your windowsills. Naturally, I must assume you are on drugs for voting Brendon back into the house, America. What other reason could there be? Oh wait, I know - STUPIDITY. That's a good reason I guess. Stupid people doing stupid things. Stupid Americans. *sigh* You screwed up America. You got behind a worthless cause and now we're all suffering because of it. Why the masochism? Why the needless suffering? You didn't give us any interesting game play. You didn't give us anything. Now go sit in the corner and repent for what you've done. You can come back out when Dancing With The Z-Listers starts up again and you're needed to vote for another worthless cause. Until then, shut your pie hole and hang your head in shame.

So Daniele nominated Adam & Shelly, Adam won the veto and now Daniele needs to put up a replacement nomination. After a valiant effort of turning on their own alliance, Brenchel sat with toes crossed and hoped for the best. Sadly, the vile duo were not to get their own way again as Daniele has nominated Brendon. Grrrreat. That means a week of Rachel crying and then another week of Rachel talking about how her fiance was ripped from her loins. Good job America! Good job Daniele! As much as I loathe the gruesome twosome, I was kind of hoping that Daniele would nominate Jeff instead. This house needs to be shaken, not stirred. We need a little drama up in the hizzy. Watching Jeff lose his shit is drama. Watching Jordan finally get out of bed is drama (I guess). Watching Brendon & Rachel relive what we saw nary a week ago is not drama. It's deja vu. It's Marty McFly going back in time. It's a rewind-y replay that'll once again leave a soggy parrot-faced red-headed harlot in it's wake. *yawn*



Rachel is sad and now it's Brendon's turn to console her. He leans over his wench and whispers all sorts of words of encouragement into her ear: "Stop being emotional! Stop being depressed! Stop depending on me for everything!" Now, I don't know about you, but I'm getting a vibe that Brendon is sort of over his crimson-haired trollop. In the past, he'd sit and cry with her and they'd talk about their future together - sure, it was full of cancer cures, millions of dollars and a gaggle of badly dressed poorly behaved children, but it was a future and it was theirs. It was gross and nauseating, but, like Tommy and Gina, they never back dowwwwn. Nothing could stand in the way of their love. Yesterday he was more like, "Oh shut up already. I wonder what movies they have in the Jury House. I hope the pool is big. They better have a webcam." I just didn't get the feeling that Brendon cared all that much that he's about to be voted out again. He seemed more annoyed than devastated. It was a fly in his soup - an inconvenience, but not a tragedy.



Meanwhile, Rachel snotted all over the blankets and complained about how mean Shelly is. Shelly? My Shelly? Innocent cowhide Shelly? Surely, you jest! Apparently, Shelly is pleased with Brendon as the replacement nomination and to hear Rachel tell it, you'd think The Wizard sat through that veto ceremony twirling her moustache and gently fingering a black lacquer violin. If only! I have a feeling it was nothing more than Shelly's leathery exterior contorted into something that resembled a smile and that, in turn, made Rachel angry. Oh woe is Rachel. Woe is the stick I want to beat her with. Whoa woe.



So that happened. What else, what else? Oh, up in the HOH Daniele suggested that they go after Jeff next week instead of Rachel. Kalia beached herself on the couch and grunted some sort of reply. Daniele thinks Porsche will be onboard as well if she were to win HOH next week. Put me down in the "Yes" column too Dani. I am 100% all for getting Jeff out of the game. I still think it should have happened this week when the backdoor was opened, but I won't be too picky. I'll take it next week.

Outside there was some talk about Daniele's speech during the Veto Cermony. Adam tells her what she said could have been interpreted as rude, but Shelly thinks it was hysterical and that America will get a kick out of it. You know what I get a kick out of? I get a kick out of you, Shelly. The cowboy saunter, the briefcase skin, the ciggy half hanging out... I love it all. I love the lies she tells and the complicated tapestries of sins she weaves. Shelly is the closest thing I've got to a villain so I shall embrace her. It'll be a smoky coffee-scented embrace, but it'll be an embrace nonetheless. I hope she was smug during that veto ceremony. I pray she made Rachel cry. Shelly's shenanigans are keeping this house afloat as far as I'm concerned. When she trashes people, rainbows dart across the sky and somewhere a baby is born with horns growing out of it's head. If only I could shake her loose of her blind allegiance to Jeff & Jordan.

This is sort of where the story ends. From early afternoon until the wee hours of the morning literally nothing happened. Brendon & Rachel would pop up into various rooms and try to make out in front of people. Whoever was in the room before they arrived would quickly get up and leave which was funny. There was about an hour of feed time where it looked like a Tom & Jerry cartoon. Brenchel went into the Starburst room and Jeff & Jordan would quickly scurry out. Brenchel slid into the corner of the pool and Porsche & Daniele ran inside to cover their eyes. Brenchel canoodled on the couch and Shelly gathered up her lasso and sauntered away. It's a miracle Brendon & Rachel never picked up on it. Well, I guess love is blind. It's blind to reality. It's blind to good taste. It's just fucking blind.

As it stands now, it looks like Brendon will be going home. Brenchel may try to get Porsche's vote again, but I think the Datsun ship has already sailed. Isuzu seems happy where she is for the time being. Adam continues to float from side to side and Kalia is still devouring everything under the sun. I don't anticipate much drama between now and Thursday. Shelly will lay low until she's sure she's safe and Brenchel will continue to stain every sheet in the house. Gross. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis

On the eve of the eve of one's demise, it's only natural for a person to act a little out of sorts. One might use arrogance and an overwhelming sense of "assholedness" to get through the day. Our subject may exhibit some unusual and unsavory behaviors as well. Whining, moaning, bitching, grumbling, dictating are all highly likely. Perhaps it stems from insecurity. Perhaps it's the deep gnawing stench of failure from within. Whatever the reason, whatever the coping mechanism we can't hold these things against our departing houseguest, can we? Of course we can assholes! Skypey McSkyperson is going home and I'm smelling a parade! Let's recap, shall we?




The day began with a high pitched "Brennnndooooon". Birds fell out of the sky, butterflies exploded, bumblebees impaled themselves with their own stingers, the clouds cried acid and every single last earthling was struck deaf and dumb. It's Rachel and she's not happy. You see, Rachel is the embodiment of goodness and light. She's thinks only happy thoughts and farts only honesty. It hurts her soul that Daniele can be so mean to her. That bitch Daniele! How dare she play the game in a way that Rachel doesn't care for! How dare an evil witch like Daniele gets to stay in the house when Rachel's perfect and infallible chunk of man meat has to leave?! Victim Mutation Rachel tells us that it's humanly impossible for her to be fake and lie. It's not in her nature so when someone like Daniele comes along and acts all fake and stupid, it gives Rachel a bad case of the sads. Shelly to the rescue! If anyone can cheer someone up, it's Shelly. Propane smelling Shelly.



Shelly tells Rachel that they just need to stick together next week and start picking everybody else off. Brendon is there and he starts talking (again!) about how awful it would be if someone like Kalia or Lawon won the game. Shelly and Rachel agree. The klan meeting continues and Rachel begins to discuss Jordan. She prefaces every comment with a compliment, but really, underneath it all, is an insult. Jordan is so sweet and nice, but she shouldn't be allowed to win twice! Jordan is a pleasant country bumpkin, but she sucks hairy balls at competitions! Jordan is someone you'll be friends with for the rest of her life, but she's weak weak WEAK! Brendon nods in agreement while Shelly says it sucks that two members of her alliance are on the block.

Brendon switches gears back to Daniele and begins the endless bitchfest of how fake and "Orange County" she is. He can't stand fake people like that. Well, you know what Penis Boy, I can't stand heavy-jawed lurching man babies like yourself. When you get your way, you're an arrogant prick. When you don't get your way, you're a whiny little bitch. I know there's a been a lot of talk about you entering the house to rehabilitate your image, but let me end the suspense. You failed. I don't know how, but you actually managed to make yourself even more insufferable the second time around.

Speaking of Penis Boy, he wonders how Porsche will vote this week. Apparently, Porsche and Daniele hung out in the HOH room and now Brenchel is all paranoid as to where her loyalty lies. Shelly says she'll talk to Porsche later and find out. Here's the thing with Shelly, the more I get to know her, the more I'm impressed and horrified with her. Like I said several weeks ago, she's definitely playing the game. The problem is that she's been hanging out with Brenchel too much and their smug assholedness is rubbing off on her. When Shelly gives herself a mission - whether it's talking to Porsche, getting info out of Lawon, finding out details about Adam - she completes it successfully and then uses the information to carefully contruct her next move. I swear to god, she wakes up in the morning. hooks the coffee IV up to her arm and then makes herself a mental to-do list. She's determined and she's a go-getter. The only problem with that is that the more information she manages to get out of people, the more her confidence grows and the more wretched she becomes. Bravado and Shelly are like Bravado and Brendon - it's kind of gross.



Later Brendon & Rachel move to Have-Not room where a symphony of whines is taking place. Rachel is whining because she might be in the house without him. Brendon is whining that she should have mentally prepared herself for this moment. You see, the all knowing Brendon has been studying and practicing for this moment since the day he crawled out of his mother's vagina (the one without the reset button). He's had the foresight all of his life to get ready for this moment. Rachel clutches his ribbed tank top and tries to rustle up some sniffles. She's worried about Brendon in the outside world. How will she make it in the house without him? First off, the only thing Rachel is worried about is the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Penis. Brendon will have 24 hour access to a webcam and any number of strangers. Who knows where his penis could end up?



Later, as planned, Shelly has her meeting with Porsche. In an effort to get info out of Porsche, Shelly says that she'd never put Daniele on the block. Porsche agrees with her and Shelly says it's time they pick a side of the house and stick to it. Again, Porsche agrees. Finally, Porsche speaks up and says that she doesn't understand why Brenchel got so mad at her for talking to Daniele last night. They weren't talking game. They were just shooting the shit. Once Shelly has Porsche nice, comfortable and loose-lipped, she goes in for the kill. Shelly asks, "Would you ever put me on the block?" Porsche answers, "Probably not." Ha! Not even Shelly can hide her surprise when she asks, "Why do you say 'probably'?!" Porsche says she thinks if Shelly were to ever go on the block that she wouldn't go home. Shelly tightens up her leather and moves on.



Porsche suddenly says that she really wants Kalia out of the game. Shelly agrees and tells her that she needs to keep that information to herself. The conversation turns to Jordan and how, eventually, they'll have to put her on the block. Shelly answers with a very Brendon-like "Sure, sure." Have you ever noticed Brendon when he does that? It drives me fucking crazy. "Sure, sure, fer sure." Die. Anyhow, Shelly tells Porsche that she will NOT be voting Jordan out this week. She says that Daniele is HOH and that out of respect for her wishes to use Jordan as a pawn, she will keep Jordan in the game. Bullshit! Shelly will keep Jordan in the game, but not out of respect for Daniele. I think it's just her way of trying to get Porsche to trust her in the case that Porsche truly is tight with Daniele.



Meanwhile, this entire time Kalia is outside of the Tarot Room eavesdropping on the whole thing. It's a shame she didn't get there earlier when they were talking shit about her. Instead all she caught was Porsche and Shelly talking about how Kalia has started to contribute to the cooking and how Jeff is going to send a Cambodian child to culinary school. I don't know where it came from or what it means, but Jeff wants to adopt a Cambodian child and Porsche wants to go over there while they're eating crickets and slip them some Twinkies or some shit like that. It made no sense and I'm too lazy to look into it.

Now, when I first heard that Porsche was talking with Daniele I thought, "Oh, here's an interesting twist. Wouldn't it be great if Porsche turned on Rachel?" I sat and thought that perhaps I could give her a chance and see what sort of player she really is. I might even be able to support her a little if she abandoned Rachel and joined Daniele's army. But when she says stupid shit about trying to be famous or giving Pop-Tarts to insect eating Cambodians, it makes me hate her all over again. I don't know. I think I'd like her to usurp Kalia when it comes to Daniele, but she's got to stop the vapid "famous" talk. Hopefully, she can get over it and I can be done with Kalia once and for all. It's extremely difficult for me to listen to her speak. Not only is she always eating into her microphone, but she's INCESSANT. She never shuts up! You know it's gotta be bad if I'm seriously considering supporting Porsche.



Shelly checks "Talk to Porsche" off of her t0-do list and heads to the pool to feel out Kalia and Lawon. She's forceful, she's blunt, she's flat out almost abrupt. Shelly asks them if it's true they want to put her up on the block. Both Kalia and Lawon say no. They say they've never said that. Shelly switches gears and tells Lawon that he better start talking game because he has a huge target on his back. Lawon thanks her for letting him know and then tells her everyone he talked game with is out of the house now. I don't know what happened to nice sweet kiss ass Shelly, but this new Shelly is needs to rein in it a bit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she's playing the game, but she's playing way too hard. I don't know what got her all nervous and fidgety all of a sudden, but it's going to hurt her in the end. She used to have the trust of the entire house. Now, she's Shady Shelly with only the Oldies on her side. Shelly assures Kalia & Lawon that she's not with the vets and that she'll be voting out Brendon this week. She may be voting out Brendon, but she's keeping Jordan. It's a flimsy argument that really amounts to nothing in the grand scheme of things.



The conversation turns to the POV Ceremony and how Rachel cried when Brendon took her off the block. Kalia thinks Rachel knew all along that Brendon would be using the POV on her and the crying was fake and staged. Shelly asks, "Really?" I can't tell if it's a genuine "Really?" or a fake ass obliging "Really?" I just can't tell with Shady Shelly. Anyhow, Kalia says she's pissed off it was all staged because she actually felt bad and consoled Rachel when she was crying.



Shelly eventually disappears in a cloud of smoke and Lawon tells Daniele about their pool conversation. He thinks Brenchel put Shelly up to it which (yay Lawon!) isn't too far off the mark. Daniele cautions him to be very careful as to what he says to Shelly. Lawon nods and says, "Oh, I know." Lawon thinks Brenchel might be after him because they think he's a floater. Again, yay Lawon! He's figuring things out! I'm so proud. Daniele thinks Brendon will give a really mean speech on Thursday and Lawon agrees. He thinks the speech will be about him, but Daniele thinks it'll all be directed towards her and how she's splitting up a marriage. She can totally imagine Rachel shouting "This is for you Brendon!" if she wins any comps from here on out. *groan* I can too. Lawon says that he hates having to sleep with them. Apparently, Rachel has a vicious gas problem that Daniele describes as the smell of dead people trying to escape out of her ass.



Later in the HOH, Kalia and Daniele are talking about Brenchel. Kalia doesn't think they'll ever approach her or Lawon for their votes. Kalia thinks that they're using Lawon as a scapegoat and are just pinning stupid shit on him to make him look like a bad guy. Daniele agrees and the conversation turns to Porsche. Daniele says, "Take the Rachel out of Porsche and I like her a LOT more." I'm not sure how Kalia feels about bringing Porsche into the fold, but I know she'd be infuriated if Dani and Porsche suddenly became buddy buddy.



The conversation turns to Brendon and how he actually thought he'd win Big Brother. Kalia says he think he's hot shit and Daniele muttered something about him being "stupid". Kalia then suddenly begins to talk about sex and I came thisclose to shutting off my feeds. Kalia and sex is about as appealing as poking safety pins into my eyeballs. I want no part of it. It turns out that today Kalia is more interested in the sex Daniele has had with former HG's. Daniele wants to reply about Nick, but she covers her head with a blanket and mouths a response to Kalia. Some people thought Daniele said Nick was the "biggest", but come on. We've all seen the photos. That ain't true. Others thought she said Nick was the "best". Again, no way. Someone else swears she brought up James Rhine, but I must have missed that. I just think it's weird that two of the guys Daniele has hooked up with have both had online penis scandals. Too bad she hasn't hooked up with Jeff. The Dumbledore thing will probably never haunt him, but a good old fashioned penis scandal could actually have some shelf life.

And that's it for me today. They had the stupid fake wedding last night so look for that to hog up a huge chunk of air time this Thursday. Hopefully, they'll air the Matt/Ragan commentary as well, but who knows? I think it got bumped last week because of the last minute house fight footage. This wedding bullshit better not bump it again. Tomorrow is my day off so no blog. Look for Brendon to go home and an intense HOH to follow. If Rachel wins, lord help us. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Cheerocracy

Yesterday on Bridezillas, a crimson haired lip furling Vegas prostitute Martha Stewarted herself a wedding dress out of white trash bags. White. Trash. The jokes write themselves. Personally, I didn't watch the madness. An attention whore is an attention whore is an attention whore. But, it did get me thinking about the wedding to come. Hungover bridesmaids with bra straps peeking out behind irridescent slip dresses. Paid groomsmen shifting uncomfortably in rented tuxedos with missing buttons and lapels. The bride shooting up Patron while lying on the cold mildewy tiles of some Unitarian Church. The bridegroom cramming his giant toe into ill-fitting oxfords from Wal-Mart. The bouquet of daisies ripped from the church landscaping. Roots hanging out. Dirt speckling the blushing bride's spandex dress. William & Kate they are not. No architecturally stunning wedding cake here folks. We're talking Pillsbury and we're talking rainbow sprinkles. Chic c'est la vie. C'est bon. C'est bon. Let's recap, shall we?

It was a blister of a day waiting to be popped. A long drawn out morning where not much of anything happened. It rained. That was fun. It rained in California. Whoop dee fucking doo. Brendon & Rachel frolicked in it while Shelly sat wondering how long it will last and how soon she can get to work on those outside windows. A ciggie in one hand and some Windex in the other, Shelly was a ball of nervous energy waiting to strike. One thing about Shelly we haven't talked about too much is that fact that she rarely eats. I don't think it's an eating disorder thing. I just think that leather responds better to dry arid environments. Had Shelly stuffed her face with milks and cheeses her skin would pucker and where would that get us? It's just better all around that she lives off of smoke, gun powder, ammonia fumes and positive affirmations.


So the day dragged on and finally Jeff & Jordan go up to the HOH to talk to Daniele. Brendon has won the veto and a replacement nominee will be needed. They want to feel out where Daniele's head is at and come up with a plan. Daniele tells them first and foremost she does not want either of them going home. She'll do anything she can to keep them in the house. The problem is that she's a little worried that Brendon will remove himself from the block. She thought he'd be removing Rachel (he will be) and she wonders if Brendon stays on the block whether or not he'd get the votes to stay in the house. Part of Daniele is scared to put Jordan up. She thinks she'll be safe, but everything is a little sketchy now.

The three go through how the votes will go. Daniele thinks Adam, Lawon and Kalia would definitely vote to keep Jordan. For some reason, Daniele is unsure about Shelly. Jeff & Jordan quickly assure her that Shelly will vote to keep Jordan. Daniele still isn't convinced so Jordan says she'll talk to Shelly and figure out what she's thinking.

They talk about the possibility of putting up Porsche. She's friends with Rachel so if she were on the block against Rachel then it eliminates a vote for Rachel to stay. Jordan isn't so sure though. She thinks there's a good chance Porsche would go home and Rachel would stay. However, if Porsche were to go up, Jordan promises Daniele she'll vote however Daniele wants her to vote. Eh. I'm not sure I believe that. There are too many "what if's" if Porsche goes on the block. It's so strange to me that Daniele is even entertaining the thought.


Daniele expresses her concern over Shelly. She says Shelly has been acting strangely lately. Apparently, she may have been cheering for the wrong people during POV. I don't know what's going on there, but I suspect Daniele may have been beaten up by a wild band of cheerleaders in high school or something. Anything cheer-related, Daniele absolutely doesn't trust. The talk then turns to Adam. Adam is so flippity floppity wishy washy that they wonder if Brenchel could get to him and turn him this week.

The conversation ends with the threesome discussing the discrepancies in Brendon & Rachel's stories about who is coming off the block. Daniele swears that Brendon said from day one that he'd save Rachel if he had to and go back to school. Jeff swears he heard Brendon saying he'd save Rachel as well. In the end, Jeff tells Daniele that if he and Jordan make it through this week, that they will definitely show her love next week. The meeting ends and Jeff goes downstairs to tell Adam that Daniele wants to talk to him.



Adam enters the HOH and he thinks that Daniele should nominate Porsche. He says Porsche is a vote for Rachel so it might be good to put her up on the block and eliminate her vote altogether. Daniele tells him she was thinking about Jordan and Adam nods. He agrees that Jordan would be another good option. Adam says that if it was Jordan v. Rachel, Jordan would definitely stay. They go over how everyone could vote and it seems like Jordan will be safe no matter what. Adam is just worried that Brendon will get mad at him. Ugh. Adam, why are you here? Seriously? The primal screams, the 90210 bullshit, the hamming it up for the cameras, the constant plugs for BB sites... NO ONE CARES. You're just as bad as Porsche thinking she'll get famous from Big Brother. You think you're part of this inner circle of HG's now when really you're a crappy player who'll fade into oblivion just like 90% of the other former HG's. Actually, do porn or skype your penis. That'll keep you relevant for a hot minute.

Adam and Daniele then talk about the possibility of a former HG coming back. Daniele says they do it every 3 years, but they couldn't last year because Julie screwed up in her interview with Andrew. Annie was actually kept in sequester for weeks. There was every intention of bringing an evicted HG back into the game, but when Julie mentioned Matt's wife's fake diseased leg, she gave away too much info and they had to scrap the idea. Daniele thinks that maybe they're going to try to do it this year instead. I'm inclined to agree. Keith, Cassi and Dominic are ALL still in sequester. Let's say Brendon goes home this week. My best guess would be, put to a public vote, that either Cassi or Dominic gets brought back into the game. Now, I never vote when CBS asks us to, but for this, I would. 100%. I'd vote as many times as I could for Cassi. Dominic coming back into the game doesn't appeal to me because I hate having to listen to him and Daniele stealth whisper the night away. Daniele is only a fraction of herself when Dominic is around. The more interesting option is Cassi and watching Daniele pull Cassi into the fold before someone like Shelly could get to her and pull her the other way. Think about it. Kalia would tell Cassi how Shelly voted that first week and voila! We've got ourselves some drama.

Outside in the backyard, Jordan is finally get a little leathery face time with Shelly. She tells Shelly that she's worried about how the votes will go if she's on the block against Rachel. With nary a smoky inhale, Shelly tells Jordan she'll be, without a doubt, safe. That should have been the end of the conversation right there, but noooooo. Jordan goes on and on running her mouth about everything Daniele said in the HOH. She tells Shelly how Daniele hates cheerleaders, how thet talked about the possibility of Porsche going on the block and how Daniele wonders where Shelly's loyalty lies. Jordan said too much, but I guess that's the power of Shelly. She's the one person you feel safe telling shit to. And, gamewise, that's a good position to be in I guess. The bloom is coming off the rose a little bit with me and Shelly. I still like her, but I was a little turned off during the CBS show last night when she called Daniele and Kalia a "low class of people". I mean, Kalia is a windbag of fecal matter and Daniele is a spoiled brat, but to call them a "low class of people" just because they're not crawling up Brenchel or Jeff & Jordan's ass was a little extreme. Shelly is on my "wait and see" list for the time being.

This brings me to BBAD. I'm skipping all the Rachel wedding bullshit because it's just another way for her to air time and, believe me, she'll get it. You'll puke when you see it so eat light before the Wednesday and Thursday shows this week.

So now we have Brenchel up in the HOH making one last final plea to Daniele. Brendon wants to know what Daniele is thinking. She responds and says, "What are you guys thinking?" Brendon tells her he'll be using the POV to remove himself from the block (lie). Dani asks him what made him change his mind and Brendon tells her that he feels like he can get further in this game. He then asks Daniele if she's considering working with them again, as a couple, in the game. Daniele says it's out of her power because she doesn't even have a vote. LOL. No offense, but that was so lame. I mean, I know she's stringing them along, but she still has the power to put someone on the block. Brendon & Rachel aren't idiots and they promptly tell her she should nominate Lawon because he's a floater. I swear to god, every time I hear them say the word "floater" I yank a fistful of hair out of my head. Has it not hit them yet that THEY are the ultimate floaters this week? The hypocrisy makes me insane!

Daniele tells them that she doesn't think anyone would actually vote out Lawon. Rachel asks, "Not even over me?" Daniel just shakes her head. She says the last thing she wants to do is make even more enemies in the house right now. Rachel tells her that by putting up Lawon and saving Brenchel, everyone will be happy and she'll be thrown a parade or some shit like that. It's just a bunch of lies. Brenchel are offereing Daniele safety to keep them in the game, but you and I (and Daniele) all know that saving Brenchel means ousting Daniele. Brenchel are desperate and desperation makes them stupid.


Brendon tells Daniele that if she keeps them safe, then it's a clean slate. He promises he'll be winning HOH next week (lie, he'll be gone). If not him, then Rachel. It's a thinly veiled threat with enough holes to make a delicious slice of swiss cheese. He says something about pushing a reset button and I wonder if I can push the reset button on his mother's vagina. Maybe it'll suck him back into the void from whence he came and we'll never have to listen to his heavy-jawed bullshit ever again.

The good news is that Daniele isn't falling for any of this bullshit. Look for Brendon to remove Rachel from the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, a Glad product faux wedding to take place and Brendon to go home. My apologies in advance, but no blog tomorrow. Real life intervenes. I'll be back on Wednesday. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

One Flew Over The Rachel's Nest

Yesterday on Swamp People, the planet Earth shriveled up into a tiny raisin because a mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant named Kalia sucked up all the air, all the words, all the atoms and left us in the state we find ourselves today. If only we had the foresight to hook her up to a generator. Her incessant talking could have saved us instead of killed us. The energy crisis would be over and the corpses that line the streets would be full of life instead of rotting and covered in maggots. When Kalia speaks, PEOPLE DIE. She says "Hello" and an innocent woman in a grocery store falls over dead in a pile of legumes. Her words have power - tiny little vicious shards of deadly power. To any survivors left: plug your ears with whatever you can find; tampons, cotton balls, hot wheels, raisins. Do it now and meet me under the clocktower at noon. I found a t-shirt gun in an abandoned warehouse and I've filled it with potato chips. It's our only line of defense. Let's recap, shall we?



It was a slow and lazy morning. These assholes insist on staying up all night so, of course, they like to sleep all morning. Except for Shelly. Steel wool for hands, bathtub brushes for feet Shelly. There's grime to tackle and hard water stains to fight. Shelly to the rescue! So anyhow, the POV players were finally picked (Daniele, Brendon, Rachel, Porsche, Adam, Jeff) and Kalia began her assault on the world. Like me, Kalia thinks the bag o'names is rigged. She thinks it's highly suspicious that her name wasn't pulled while I think it's a little strange she can stick an entire turkey in her mouth. *shrugs shoulders* To each her own.

Daniele chose Lawon to be our Kapowlicious host and right then and there we knew it would be a looooooong POV competition. Lawon isn't a dumb guy, he's just unaware. He's unaware of his surroundings. He's unaware there's a game going on. He's unaware of his shoes. It's ok though. We forgive Lawon his shortcomings because we know he's not a bad guy. He's not malicious and he's not unbearable. He's just a man with an exceptional collection of knee high socks and giant ties. While he may look fabulous, I think we all know that memorizing his hosting lines will be a little like trying to get Kalia to stop entering a room with a belch. It's just isn't going to happen.



From what I can gather the POV competition had a Name That Tune element to it that may or may not have included a balance beam. The HG's had to guess how many seconds it would take them to complete something. What, I don't know. What I do know is that Brendon won the POV and Jeff was furious. For over an hour after the competition ended, Jeff went on and on about how it was his competition to win. He says he forgot Porsche was even there - he often forgets she's in the house too - and somehow she screwed up his game. The part that I thought was interesting was how Jeff kept saying how he was supposed to win that comp. He was supposed to take the victory. But he made a stupid mistake and blew it. If I didn't know any better, I'd cry shenanigans on the DR. There was something in Jeff's tone that made me think he was tipped off somehow. Jeff isn't a guy who's confident about competitions. In fact, he's always very self-deprecating. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I'll bet the Pentagon knows the truth.



Up in the HOH room, Shelly is telling Daniele that Brendon wants to stay in the game. Daniele has a hard time believing that and says that from the very beginning she's heard that if it was between the two of them, Rachel would stay in the game. Shelly is clearly trying to feel out where Daniele's head is at, but it's coming out all wrong. She looks panicked and worried. When she finally leaves the room, she shouts, "Don't put me up!" Daniele looks at Kalia and says, "She's sketchy as hell." Daniele says she doesn't want Brendon to stay in the game, but she' not going to tell Shelly that. She doesn't understand why Shelly is pushing for Brendon to stay. I'll tell you why: it's because Rachel is a fucking nightmare to have to live with and Shelly can work Brendon much easier than she can work Rachel. Shelly's not a dumb lady. She sees what's going on. She sees that Rachel or Porsche are tight. She knows Rachel will throw her under the bus in a heartbeat (and she already has!). Shelly is just doing what's good for Shelly's game. The problem with that is it makes Daniele suspicious. Daniele now wonders who she should put up: Shelly or Jordan. Putting up Shelly would be the worst move she can make. All she needs to do is put up Jordan as a pawn and be done with it. Whichever half of Brenchel stays on the block will go home and that's that. If she puts Shelly up, she runs the risk of having the votes go the wrong way. For crying out loud, even Kalia wants Shelly out!



While Jeff was complaining to Jordan in the Tarot Room and Daniele was going over her options in the HOH room, Brendon & Rachel were complimenting each other in the Have-Not room. Brendon tells Rachel he'll take her off the block and in an instant, she morphs into a baby talking, lip furling, cooing, ooey gooey marshamallow puff version of her former self. I've never seen anything like it. Right before my eyes the fierce angry exterior melted away and a vomitiocious nose scrunching thing took it's place. They hugged and canoodled. She told him how amazing he was. He nodded and said, "I know." She told him how soothing his voice is. He nodded and said, "I know." I put my shish kabob skewers over the fire pit and prepared to impale my innards. Seriously, who really needs a spleen? And pancreas? Overhyped, if you ask me.



The Rachel mutation continued as an overwhelming sense of confidence and relief took over her body. She filled in her eyebrows, began the laborious process of covering up her chin-ce (That's chin acne. Pronounced "chin-key") and decided that maybe there's a way to keep them both safe. Now, I don't know what planet Mutation Rachel hails from, but I don't think it's one in the Milky Way. It has to be from another galaxy where up is down, hot is cold, right is left and red-headed bird people are worshipped. It's probably one of those planets in Flash Gordon where everyone's blood is blue and they play football with Faberge eggs. Rachel actually thinks that she can get Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon in her stead. Also, even though Brendon will use the POV to remove Rachel from the block, they're telling everyone he'll use it to remove himself. It's some sort of cockamamie test to see how the other HG's respond.



Brendon & Rachel are pretty much done with Jeff & Jordan, but they want to keep up appearances so they go into the Tarot Room and begin to tell them their plan of getting Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon. Without hesitation, Jeff shakes his head and says there's no way she'll do that. Mutation Rachel must be deaf because she continues to explain how her plan will work. Jordan chimes in and says, "Daniele won't do that." Mutation Rachel's eyes glaze over, her head spins around and she says she'll pitch a deal to Daniele to bring the Oldies Five back together. That's like trying to get Diana Ross to rejoin The Supremes. It isn't gonna happen!



Later, Jeff begins to wonder why Rachel is so damn confident she's not going home. She seems chipper and upbeat when, normally, she'd be ripping the heads off of squirrels and smearing the blood all over herself. He thinks that maybe Brendon & Rachel have a deal with Daniele that he doesn't know about. Jordan wonders if perhaps they should go Daniele and start making suggestions that'll guarantee that either Brendon or Rachel go home. She wants to be sure that Brenchel doesn't get to Daniele first. It's a decent idea, but Jordan should realize that the only way to really assure Brenchel's demise is for herself to go on the block. Anyone else is a risk. Jordan is the only answer.



Meanwhile, Porsche is worried that she'll go on the block. Apparently, she did well in the POV and she thinks that it will make her a target now. Mutation Rachel responds with, "I'm so proud of my fiance." Porsche revs up her engine and sputters that she's a target now for hanging out with Brenchel. Rachel tells her to go up to the HOH and make a deal with Daniele. She says to lie and pledge her allegiance when really she'll just use it to stay safe and then go after Daniele next week. Mutation Rachel must have gotten some spittle on Porsche or something because Porsche is actually annoyed that Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Como what? *shakes head* I feel like I need a hit of acid to understand what the hell these bitches are talking about today. Rachel thinks Brenchel will stay intact and Porsche is mad Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Where's Nurse Ratched because I'm pretty sure I'm in the Cuckoo's Nest right about now?


Let's take a much needed respite from all the assbackwards logic and treat ourselves to a little prank. Some HG's are outside while Kalia has beached herself on the hammock. Shelly bets everyone she can crawl underneath the hammock without Kalia even knowing she's there. As Kalia is in a potato coma, I'm obliged to agree with Shelly.



Shelly begins her approach with cat like stealth. Ass perched in the air, one bony knee after another, Shelly creeps up to her prey unnoticed.





Once she's reached her target, Shelly ignores the overwhelming stench of Frito's and salsa con queso and begins to slither her way underneath the mammoth sleeping giant.



One might think this is just a simple ground maneuver, but when you consider the possibility of portly Kalia crushing Boniva Betty, you'll understand just how dangerous this is.



Holy guacamole!


*wipes brow* Phew! Shelly lives to laugh another day.

After the gentle beast was awakened and given some attention, she began running her mouth and running her mouth and running her mouth. I guess it's the only exercise she gets, but come on! I can't listen to the Valley Girl bullshit anymore. Sure, she did well in the comp and, sure, she's anti-Brenchel, but she's a lying hippo hypcorite and it makes me insane. In one breath she says she has an amazing life and in the next she reveals she only has $300 in her bank account. Unless $300 is code for $3,000,000 dollars then Kalia is from the same planet that Pinto and Mutation Rachel are from. I'm sitting here fast forwarding through BBAD wondering when she'll shut the hell up. In the meantime, I can feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room and my organs beginning to shut down.

Finally, in the last hour I find Daniele in the Have-Not room with Mutation Rachel. Daniele is apologizing profusely and saying that everything up until now was what was best for her game. She hopes Rachel doesn't take it personally and Rachel mumbles, "It's ok. It's not a big deal. It's was stupid for me to think you can have friends in this game." *stabs self in ear with a screwdriver* Pity party of one, SHUT UP. If she's not gloating, she's pouting. Vile, vile woman. Daniele hopes that once they leave the house, they'll realize it's all a game. After all, Rachel is friends with Ragan now. Rachel doesn't hear any of it. She says shit like, "You're coming after me and my fiance." Bitch, Ragan destroyed you and you guys are besties now. Get over it!

Well, I'm going to end this here. I'd like Brendon to take Rachel off the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, Brendon to go home and Kalia to eat Rachel's face. In the meantime, I'll load some oxygen tanks into my basement. I'm sure Kalia will have something to say about something and, I don't about you, but I'm not ready to die for that bitch. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!