Ride 'Em Cowboy!

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Just as I was about to pack it in for the season and leave Dullsville for good, a miracle has taken place. A lassoed ab rippling miracle moseyed into our lives and into our dreams. With his hands on his holster and his ass in chaps, he guzzled down 6 beers and started to make shit happen. Let's recap, shall we?

The HG's celebrated a Half Way Party where they were able to indulge in pizza and beer. When the feeds finally returned we find Caleb (inexplicably wearing cowboy boots with shorts) in the Hive with Frankie. Caleb has something on his mind and that something is GAME CHANGING. It turns out that our lovable Cowboy is bothered that someone told Nicole that he said that she doesn’t clean up around the house and now it's making him rethink the way they're voting this week. Oh he sure said it alright. The problem is that he can’t remember who he said it to, but he said it and somehow the information has gotten back to Nicole. Frankie interjects and says, “But that’s still not game talk.” Caleb says, “Still, they’re leaking information.” You see, little stuff like that bothers our Beast Mode Cowboy. If someone is gossiping about something as little as cleaning the house and that information is getting to the other side, who knows what that person is spreading when it comes to the game? 

Caleb says, what if someone on the other side wins HOH and Christine outs the boys alliance in order to keep herself safe. Frankie says it all comes down to trust and he trusts Christine. Caleb replies that if it came down to him and Nicole on the block, he thinks Christine will vote to save Nicole. At the end of the day, he thinks when it comes down to it, Christine will flip to save herself.

Frankie listens to all of this and decides to go get Derrick. 

Derrick joins them and Caleb expresses his concerns about Christine flipping to join Nicole’s side of the house. They'll lose not only Zach, but Christine and that means they'll lose their majority. He’s not necessarily saying to keep Zach, but when it comes down to it, they don’t have Jocasta’s vote down the road. So if Jocasta says and Christine flips, they lose the numbers they had. Even Victoria could start voting with the other side of the house if Christine blows up the guys alliance. Derrick says, “But if we vote out Jocasta, they’re gonna know (about a guy’s alliance). They’re gonna put two of us up together and one of us takes ourselves off, they’re gonna put another one of us up.” Caleb says, “Even if we vote to keep Jocasta, Jocasta is not a number for us.” Yes Caleb, yes! Thou speakest the truth.

Derrick leaves and goes back to the bathroom to continue his manscaping. Frankie tells Caleb that he’s worried about how Zach has been telling shit to everyone in the house. Caleb replies, “At the end of the day, Jocasta is not with any of us.” Good point! “She’s a vote against us.” Another good point! Why don't these other chuckleheads understand this?!

Meanwhile, in the bathroom where Derrick is perfecting that stupid line of hair along his jaw, he fills Cody in on what Caleb’s concerns are.

(Let us pause and briefly appreciate the genius of what Caleb is wearing right now.)

Back in the Hive, our little Cowboy is asking some serious questions, “Is it safer to keep Jocasta over Zach?” Frankie replies that he doesn’t know if it’s necessarily safer. He says that it’s not really more dangerous so, “Yes, it’s safer in my opinion cuz I don’t know what he’s going to do.” Caleb replies that they know exactly what Jocasta will do. She’ll lose comps and she’ll be a vote against them. 

Caleb says when it comes down to it, he’ll still vote out Zach if that’s what the alliance wants, but know that when Zach leaves he’s going to out all of their secrets and the other side will have the house majority. And this is where Caleb speaks the most profoundly. He says they started out with the most numbers, but then it went "Amber - GONE!, Devin - GONE!, And now if he [Zach] goes - GONE!" He says from here on out it’s a numbers game and so far all they’ve been doing is sending out their own people. Furthermore, Hayden isn't even really locked in as one of their alliance. He’s only there because Devin left which means he’s not entirely reliable. 

Caleb and Frankie leave the Hive, but the most uncomfortable room in the world isn't empty for long because here comes Derrick and Cody to further discuss Caleb's concerns. 

Funnily enough, Derrick says he has been thinking about all of this all day (I wouldn't doubt if the DR has had a generous helping hand here and has begun to plant doubt with all of the Bomb Squad). If they vote out Zach and then they vote out Christine (like they're planning to do), they’re fucked. The two start to compare notes about what Hayden has been telling them about who to target and who he’s solid with until the end. They conclude that Hayden is playing them and protecting Donny.

Frankie enters.

Derrick outlines that Caleb is worried about the numbers and if they all think about it, Caleb is right. YES! Derrick says that Zach may run his mouth and play his own game, but in the end he will never vote against their alliance. Derrick says that Caleb’s worries are indeed rational thoughts. “He’s no dummy,” he says. Derrick realizes that Christine may not flip at all (oh yes she will), but if she does, they’re completely screwed.

Derrick says that Caleb’s only concern is numbers and even though he knows Zach has created other alliances without him, when it comes down to it if Caleb is up on the block against Nicole, Nicole will stay because she has the votes. It’s all about numbers. It kills me that these guys are just figuring this out now. Dummies, dummies, dummies!

Frankie says that his issue is that his trust with Zach is broken now. For example, Zach is up in the HOH right now and on the inside Frankie is freaking out. He’s “nervous as fuck.” as to what Zach is up to. That level of mistrust is a problem for Frankie. Oh stick a cork in it, Frankie! That has nothing to do with the game! Your “level of trust”… oh give me a break! This isn’t a feeling circle. It’s Big Brother!

Frankie insists that Nicole is loyal to them which, obviously, is ridiculous. 

Christine enters and Frankie is excited to fill her in. He just can't wait to sing like a canary and guide Christine through her replies. Derrick and Cody look down and get quiet. You can tell that they’re nervous as to how much Frankie is about to tell her. Frankie’s retell is all about how his trust his gone and how Zach has a final 2 with everyone in the house. Christine doesn’t say much of anything. Instead Frankie TELLS her what to think like, “Isn’t Zach not trustworthy? Don’t we have Hayden and Nicole under control?” Christine dumbly nods. 

Caleb returns and Frankie says when it comes to do it I don’t trust Zach anymore. Cody chimes in and says that Zach has been saying too much stuff about him (Cody is such a paranoid priss). Caleb says, “Well, there you go. I’m with you guys 110%.” Cody says, “I think Hayden is good with us.” Frankie exclaims, “I agree!” Dummies. I've got to hand it to Caleb though. He may be many things awful, but one thing he isn't, is disloyal. Derrick and Caleb leave the Hive leaving Cody and Christine to gossip like 2 schoolgirls. 

A little later Cody and Derrick cross paths in the bathroom. Derrick wants to have a meeting with everyone in the alliance (Which one? I have no idea. Detonators, Bomb Squad, Douchebags... who knows.) to solidify how they’re voting. But young Cody is heated and he must talk now! The rapid fire whispering commences as Cody recaps how he was alone with Christine and said to her how 3 out of the last 4 weeks, they’ve sent home one of their original 8 alliance. Christine's reply was that she didn’t realize that. Cody thought she was full of shit and said, "Come on Christine, you really didn't notice?" Derrick replies, “Exactly! We have the numbers and we’re literally cannibalizing ourselves.” Derrick says they’ve been evening up the numbers for the other side this whole time and they’re going to look like fools (yup). Cody then asks the all important question, “Ok so we’re voting to keep Zach?” Derrick replies… wait for it… “I think we should.” Yeehaw! Ride me Cowboy! Oops I mean, Ride 'em Cowboy!

Derrick says they’ll tell Frankie that they know he wants to protect the other side, but that the other side wanted to backdoor him this week. They’ll tell Frankie that the other side of the house have been telling them everything he and Christine have been saying. Derrick says there is no way Frankie will keep wanting to work with them after that. They’ll meet later with all the others to tell them they’re keeping Zach. Oh my god you guys!

Cody can't wait until later. He's too jacked and in a hurry to get all the credit so he goes to tell Christine that everything Christine has been saying all week, the other side has been telling Cody and Derrick. He knows Christine said to put up him or Derrick as a replacement. He then says, “Do you know who they were going to backdoor if you used the Veto this week? Frankie!” Christine doesn’t say much other than, “This is unbelievable! This is un-believable!” She never really comments on what Cody is telling her. She simply reacts to it. This is Christine's tell. If she simply replies and doesn't bother to explain, she's lying. Cody reiterates how Nicole has been saying how all week Christine has wanted one of them up next to Zach. Christine replies, “OK interesting.”

Christine says, “Cody, we have to stick together.” Cody says that’s what I thought until I found out you said to put me up. Christine smiles and still doesn't say anything. Cody then tells Christine how she told Nicole that Victoria and Hayden hooked up. Christine scoffs loudly. Cody says he has now realized that they’ve all been played (by Nicole). Christine replies, “I’m amazed by their strategy right now.” She continues, “I’m so pissed off, but I’m so impressed!” She thanks Cody for coming to her and filling her in. 

Frankie enters and Cody wastes no time filling him in on everything that Nicole has been telling them [Derrick and Cody] all week. Frankie smiles weirdly to himself. Christine says, “Can you believe that?! They’re brilliant. They’re brilliant!” Cody says they were all going to vote out Zach to appease the other side, but actually if they vote out Zach, they’re playing right into their hands. Frankie asks, “So Zach’s staying?” 

Side Note: Cody was supposed to wait and deliver this news with Derrick. None of this was never Cody’s idea. If you'll remember, it was just an hour ago that Cody was whining about how Zach talks about him too much. This is ALL Caleb's doing. Derrick simply gave it his stamp of approval which then convinced Cody - who was vehemently AGAINST it - and now here he is taking all the credit and letting the others in on it. He even tells them at one point that HE told Derrick that something hasn’t been right all week long. Not true. If anything, Derrick has definitely been suspicious, but he was still on board with getting rid of Zach. Very smarmy move there, Cody. I guess you can’t blame him for trying to take all the credit, but let it be known that this was really Caleb’s doing.

Frankie then goes through the votes to keep Zach and finally says, “Let’s do it.” Like it was all up to him. Like everyone was waiting for his approval. Like it was his idea. Like he is the final decision maker of everything in the house. This is interesting because as we have seen in this scenario, both Cody and Frankie are actively after getting credit for these moves. Let’s hope this leads to a power struggle somewhere down the road. 

Derrick finally enters the Have-Not room and Cody quickly tells him that he's already filled Frankie and Christine in as to what's been going on. Derrick says, "Alright, are we done playing the games? Are we done? Are we done playing the games? Seriously. They were going to pick us off one by one. They told us EVERYTHING you guys said." It was an odd way to put it especially as he said it looking back and forth from Frankie to Christine. It was both accusatory and forgiving at the same time. It was sort of like, "Look, I know what you chuckleheads have been up to this whole time, but let's squash it. All is forgiven. From here on out, Detonators are a go." And to really bring the point home, Derrick points to Christine, "They wanted us to put YOU up." He then turns to Frankie, "And they wanted to backdoor YOU." Derrick then adds, "By the way, you're welcome [Frankie] because we're the reason you didn't go on the block." Then goofy ole minute late Cody chimes in that he still thinks that Donny is the mastermind behind all of this. Cody, my love, shush. Just sit quietly and let Derrick do all the talking. 

Finally, FINALLY, the man of the hour enters the room. He's shirtless now - obviously - and before anyone else can say anything, Frankie blurts out, "I love you! You were right all along! I love you!" Frankie and his "I love you's" just might deserve a Big Brother Gossip Show rant this weekend. I've been reading The Four Agreements and I think Frankie is wielding around the power of his word casting spells on everyone. It's a theory I'm workshopping. 

With Caleb in the room, Frankie immediately leaps on him while Derrick warns him not to say ANYTHING to Hayden. Hayden is NOT part of the Bombsquad. He is NOT with them. He is, in fact, actively working to get rid of their alliance. Victoria, however, will vote how they want her to vote so it's good to keep her close. Frankie and Caleb will break the good news to Zach later.

The End.

And THAT, my friends, is how a lonely Beast Mode Cowboy rode in on his magnificent steed and saved the day. "Shocked" doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. Instead I'll go with "Proud." Yup, I'm proud of that lasso twirling narcissist. He was calm, he didn't panic, he said what was on his mind and the rest of the alliance did all the hard work for him. And the best part is that in response to his plan panning out all our resident cowboy was give a lazy thumbs up punctuated with a knowing wink. Glorious! 

So, what do we think of the house flipping in the final hour? Will Zach ever realize just how close he came to going home? Will Nicole catch wind of it before the votes? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Meth Attack

(A Parisian night, 1892)

My great grandmother Nightingale Honeypot Lala was a fighter. A fighter! She fought against adversity in a tightly wound corseted world. When women sipped tea, she chugged gin. When men came calling, she tied them to her bed posts with an exquisite piece of old lace. She was a spitfire, that Nightie. My aunt Seraphima Biddy Lala was no slouch herself. She invented glitter. One night while she was shit faced with Toulouse-Lautrec in the 18th arrondissement, the sand she always held in her pockets (Virginia Woolf was a close friend) accidentally fell into her absinthe glass and created the most sparkling, the most shimmering, the most gleamingly brilliant chartreuse-colored tiny particles. Together, Toulouse and Será (for short) tossed her new invention off the top of the Eiffel Tower blanketing Paris in the most scintillating and majestic sparkle the city had ever seen. It is for these two women that I blog... and drink and throw glitter when I am joyful. Never forget where you come from, dear readers. Unless, of course, you're in the throes of a nationally televised game and ANY OUTSIDE INFORMATION AND ALLOWANCES ARE JUST PLAIN CHEATING!!! Let's recap, shall we?

OK so this is going to be short and sweet today for two reasons. Both of which are - Zach is insane! But I'm jumping ahead a bit. Here is what we know: Zach and Frankie have won HOH. Frankie won because he had an incredibly unfair sympathy advantage which has most likely already guaranteed him a final 3 position. Don't even get me started on this giant clusterfuck. But believe you me, I will have a shit load to say about it tomorrow night on the Big Brother Gossip Show. I have yet to do one of my epic rants and, I don't know, tomorrow just feels right. Don't miss it! Saturday at 10pm. Follow me on Twitter for links and iTunes info.

I'm going to try my best to summarize the labyrinth of crazy that took place last night so follow along if you can. When the feeds turned back on, Frankie was in full Frankie mode. He's oh so grateful for getting to receive yet another letter from home in addition to getting photos of his now deceased grandfather. Death is sad. Obviously. But we're also playing a game here, folks. A game where you're locked away from the outside world. A game where everyone should have the exact same chance as the next person to win. A game where production shouldn't bend to the ranting and raving of mentally incompetent fans on twitter. A game where one player shouldn't be allowed to give a 25 minute soliloquy to the viewing public.

So Frankie is sad and moved and grateful and once again giving an abridged version of that Oscar speech he practices in the mirror ever so often back at home. Obviously, I ignored every bit of this nightmare and decided to focus of Zach. Crazy - like Meth Crazy - Zach. You know how meth addicts like to take things like telephones and radios apart when they're high? Well, Zach likes to take apart the entire Big Brother game. He is the personification of a loose cannon. It is a wonder that he sleeps as much as he does because when he's awake, he's firing on all cylinders and giving everyone, viewers included, crazy anxiety.

Zach's grand master flash plan is to backdoor Caleb. Frankie seems to be on board with it, but who the hell knows. He's still thanking ole Jebediah Scrimples Grande for inventing air. In order for Zach to backdoor Caleb, he wants to nominate someone who will throw the BOB comp and keep Amber on the block. I know, I know, it's odd. Ideally, he wants to nominate Christine and Amber and have Christine throw the comp. That way Frankie gets to stay HOH, Amber stays on the block, possibly removes herself and Caleb goes up in her place. As any Big Brother fan can see, there are a lot of problems with this plan. What if Caleb gets picked to play in POV and wins? He'll take Amber off making them both safe which will undoubtedly make Zach a target next week. But that, my friends, is common sense. And we're talking about Zach here - where common sense doesn't exist.

Zach refuses to put up Victoria because he's finally gotten back into her good graces. He also refuses to put up Donny because Donny has been a pawn way too many times already. Then there's Christine. Zach is annoyed beyond belief that Christine has yet to do anything for the alliance - for any alliance! - Bomb Squad, Detonators, Douche Canoes, what have you. Zach firmly believes that Christine needs to prove her loyalty and agree to throw the BOB comp. The problem is that Christine says, "No way Jose!" She's seen the show too many times to throw a comp.

There were also some discussion about Zach putting up Hayden and maybe Nicole or maybe someone in Production. Maybe they'll agree to Zach's cockamamie plans. At one point Zach even had the balls to hint to Caleb that he should go on the block and throw the comp himself. Caleb simply batted his beastmode Covergirl eyelashes and said, "No siree bob." He's done with volunteering and he'll never do it again. Which brings us back to Christine. Zach hates her. All she does is giggle and flirt with Cody. She does nothing for the alliance and she needs to prove her loyalty.

Christine, the big mouth that she is, naturally goes to spill everything to her best good friend Nicole. Nicole kind of listens to it all and shrugs her shoulders. You see, Nicole has more important things on her mind - like keeping her own ass off the block.

So after hours of Zach flitting this way and that asking everyone to throw the BOB comp and then getting more heated and angry when everyone refuses, Zach decides he'll put up Christine and Amber. HOWEVER, there is one little problem with this. Princess Amber has told everyone that if she goes on the block again, she'll out the alliance and sing like a canary. Obviously, this scares the crap out of Pussy (Cody). He tells Zach, "You can't put her up! She'll out the alliance!" Zach replies, "To who, Victoria? Everyone already knows about the Bomb Squad." Pussy then popped a couple of Midols and placed a heating pad on his ovaries.

Zach then announces that he is adamant that he will not put up Nicole, Victoria or Donny. Until, that is, he talks to Nicole. He tells Nicole how he wants Christine to throw the comp, then have Amber win the POV so he can send Caleb home. Nicole listens and whines, "But I don't think you should put me up." Huh? Bitch, he wasn't talking about you! Nicole's M.O. in the game is to talk shit about everyone else in that godforsaken voice of hers and then whine whenever her name is mentioned. It's brutal.

After his talk with Nicole, Zach wonders if maybe he should just put up Nicole and Hayden and have Hayden throw the comp so they can backdoor Amber.  (I'm so fucking confused) I thought his target was Caleb, but now it might be Amber. Next it'll be Nona so she can join Grandpa. *throws hands in the air*

So while Zach is going ape shit insane pacing back and forth while wearing his HOH robe and hollering about getting Carrie-sized buckets of blood on his hands, the rest of his alliance is nervous. Frankie doesn't want to nominate Jocasta and Victoria. In all honesty, he'd rather not nominate anyone because he's a coward afraid to hurt anyone's feelings. Meanwhile, Pussy is scared that somehow all of this will backfire and make him a target (huh?) while Caleb, sweet Caleb, sits in the Hive busily carving a portrait of Amber into his arm with a plastic knife. It's madness, I tell you!

After more craziness with everyone and their dead grandfather being considered as options, Zach seems to have decided to nominate Christine and Nicole (Hey, what the hell happened to Amber?). His plan is to give an epic speech where he compares Christine to JennCity and says, "If you look up 'floater' in the dictionary, there will be a picture of you and JennCity holding hands." *giggles* He then plans on telling Nicole that she's a dingus froot loop of a super fan. I have no idea what that means. All I know is that I love the sound of it.

So where does that leave us? Hell if I know! One thing I can guarantee is lots of fireworks after Zach delivers his nominations today. No matter who he decides on, he'll deliver it in a way that only the Zach Attack can and people - probably everyone - are going to be pissed off. Bless his heart.

So, did you understand one word of what went on last night? Is Zach an evil genius putting on an act? Or does he simply need to up his Ritalin prescription? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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Big Pussy

Annoying. Whiny. Selfish. The world revolves around them and, for some reason, everyone gives in to their every whim. "Gimme, gimme, gimme." "Love me, hold me, feed me." "Give all of your attention to me and don't you dare walk away!" What could I possibly be referring to? Who could possibly be so unnervingly selfish? No, dear readers, I'm not talking about Man Hands Caleb. I'm talking about babies! Those little life suckers who spread disease and scream on airplanes. I hate them! Let's recap, shall we?

The day started out innocently enough. It's POV Ceremony day and the plan is to replace Victoria with Donny keeping Jowls (Brittany) as the true target. Now, I'm not sure if you know this, but Donny has become quite the little game player. He knows alliances in this house exist and, more importantly, he knows that he is not a part of them. That Team America (fuck yeah) thing is all well and good, but Donny is increasingly dubious especially when it comes to Derrick's actions. Donny has the sneaking suspicion that Derrick is the house mastermind running all of the plays. And Donny would be absolutely right!
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Whether it was Donny's fine-tuned intuition or something more mystical like a speaking-in-tongues phony freak named Jocasta, Donny has that not so fresh feeling that he is going on the block. The outwardly shy timid country boy takes his one last chance to convince Cody that my lover, Man Hands Caleb, should go up instead.

Donny goes up to the HOH to deliver a speech he has prepared to Cody. It goes something like, "I'int wawnt yew ta make uh deecijun fer yew. Don' play ether peeples games." Cody scratches his head and replies, "You gotta say more than that Donny." He then tells Donny that he has been thinking hard all weekend about maybe putting Caleb on the block (DON'T YOU DARE!), but that it might piss of some other people (YES IT WOULD). Donny nods in that hunky dory way of his and let's Cody continue to vent. You see, Cody is petrified of Caleb staying in the game and coming after him. He has this nagging feeling that next week will be a Double Eviction. Donny advises him to play for this week. He says you can't play for the weeks that aren't even here yet because you don't know who's in power.

Cody then starts going on about his brother at home and how his brother would call him a pussy and flush his head down the toilet if he doesn't nominate Caleb this week. Donny rightly takes the bait and calmly says, "Dew wut yer brother wood wawnt yew ta dew." Cody nods and says, "I think I've just made my decision." *panic panic fluster panic*

Cody then gets up and heads outside to where Frankie and Hayden are hanging out. He announces, "I'm putting Caleb up." In that moment, my world turned black. My nipples went inverted and my fallopian tubes curled up like one of those rolly polly bugs. If I don't have my Man Hands Caleb in the house, then I don't have my crazy and if I don't have my crazy, then there is no reason to live anymore. Fortunately, Frankie feels the way I do and mumbles, "I don't think that's a good idea." Hayden, however, nods and says, "Yo, I understand." (Die Hayden Die) Cody paces around some more and finally heads inside. As soon as he shuts the door behind him, Hayden says, "Yeah, that's probably not a good idea. *smacks self in head*

And then the feeds go down. I paced back and forth across my living room wringing my hands against one another. What if I lose my Caleb? What if he goes home and I don't get to see him shirtless on the broadcast anymore? What if I never hear, "I'm going Beast Mode Cowboy y'all!" ever again? It's too gruesome to imagine.

But you know what? I don't have to imagine it! It turns out that Cody is a giant pussy and didn't put Caleb on the block after all. And are we all a little bit thankful for that? Thank you Cody, you giant wonderful pussy you. You're a lovely welcoming warm pussy that we can all climb inside and curl up in. You're a pussy that just saved the feeds if you want to know the truth.

You know what this means, don't you? We have a new nickname! Cody will hereby be referred to as Pussy. So Pussy and Frankie are in the hammock swinging back and forth and talking about all sorts of pussy things. Pussy is absolutely terrified of Caleb finding out about how he almost put him on the block. He tells Frankie that he better keep his mouth shut about all of this. He says, "This better not come back to fuck me." But Pussy, pussies are meant to be fucked! Ba dum bum!

Pussy continues and moans about just how smooth Donny was went he entered Pussy's lair. I must admit that those smooth entries are sometimes nice. But what worried Pussy the most is having his brother call him Pussy when he gets home. Well, get used to it, buddy. Not only will your brother be calling you Pussy, but so will everyone who reads this here little bloggy blog. Hearing all of this, Frankie simply nods and tells Pussy, "Your brother will be proud of you."

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Frankie then wonders if Jowls hinted to Donny that he was going on the block. Pussy isn't so sure and begins to hem and haw again over being such a... pussy! Frankie tells Pussy that he doesn't need to prove his manliness in the house. As a matter of fact, the move he just pulled was the most manly thing he could have done. Hayden then approaches the hammock and tells Pussy that Caleb is dumb as a rock and they can get rid of him at any time.

And this brings us to Jowls. Boy is she angry! With her jowls flapping in the breeze, she marches upstairs to Pussy's HOH room and begins an enormous bitch session of how it is all so unfair that she is on the block. She has kids, you see. Three of them! She came in the house and she has three kids (So?). She risked everything to come here. Her ex-husband is probably seeking full custody as she sits here right now playing this totally unfair game. Look, if you think you are in danger of having your screaming brats taken away from you, celebrate! Ha! Just kidding. Seriously though, don't go on Big Brother if you think your devil children will be taken from you. Don't hang out in bars and follow that silly recruitment whim to the very end where you find yourself on national TV for the entire summer.

I haven't the foggiest idea why people think Jowls has such a good game. All she does is bitch and whine and moan about how this is all so unfair. You know what's really unfair? Me having to listen to all of it. That's unfair! And my upchuck reflex begins to heave violently when Jowls talks about how she deserves to be there (She has kids! Kids!) when others don't deserve to be there. Look bitch, none of you deserve to be there. It's a game show. It's not a charity. You had an option to be there and you said yes so quit your bitching and start playing the damn game.

Back outside we find Caleb and Frankie sunbathing and talking about that often neglected topic: Amber. Caleb is mighty upset at how Zach keeps saying that Amber is playing the game and lying. Caleb insists that Amber is going anywhere until they get to Jury where he can lock her in a bedroom and seduce her. Zach, however, keeps saying that Amber is teaming up with the girls and starting a covert vagina alliance. Caleb scoffs at that saying that if Amber is talking to the girls, it's probably because she wants to talk about girl things like ribbons and buttons and periods.

Caleb continues and says that he really doesn't like how Zach wants Amber gone. It's not gonna happen! The other HG's might think that the Bomb Squad no longer exists, but it does because Caleb saved it with his washboard stomach and his "good talkin'."

After listening to all of this, Frankie remarks that they only have to win 1 more HOH, then they're all in the Jury. Caleb says that if it's a hanging competition he might not be able to win because of all his rippling muscles. Frankie might be able to though. He probably weighs about 35 lbs less than Caleb. Frankie nods and says that lighter and leaner is best. This week he'll work on that. Caleb agrees and says that he'll eat healthy this week too. He'll eat stuff like chicken and broccoli and sunshine. The sunshine gives him his inner glow.

Frankie then asks Caleb who he'd put on the block if he wins HOH. Caleb says he'll put Jocasta and Victoria up, but on opposite sides of the HOH, not together. Caleb wants to guarantee that Victoria goes home. He doesn't want her winnin' nothin'! Frankie says that the best way to make that happen is to put her up with Jocasta since Jocasta sucks in comps just as much as Victoria does.

Before we end this today, I'd like to discuss an incident that took place in the kitchen. It seems that Caleb hates pickles. He hates them so much that he's never eaten one. Ever! Apparently Amber told Caleb that if he ate a pickle, then she'd go out on a date with him. Reread that last sentence. Amber is not as innocent as everyone thinks she is. She's leading the poor guy on! Well, Caleb being Caleb (i.e. desperate for a date), Caleb accepts the challenge and prepares to eat the pickle.

And it doesn't exactly go well. While Frankie is shouting, "Swallow it! Swallow it!, Amber whines, "You don't have to eat it! You'll get sick!"

Caleb then starts to wretch and dry heave. He takes a drink of iced tea and gets back into pickle stance. Amber, with a worried look on her face, says, "Caleb, seriously, do NOT eat the pickle." Caleb then shoves the whole thing in his mouth which makes Nicole, who hates Amber and would love nothing more than to see her trapped into a date with Caleb, shout, "Ca-leb! Ca-leb!" Caleb starts to wretch so Nicole reprimands him, "No Caleb! Keep it down!" LOL She really hates Amber.

But if you know anything about Caleb then you know that he is a Beast Mode Cowboy with Man Hands. Obviously, Caleb swallows the pickle. Nicole is tickled pink and declares, "Caleb, I'm proud of you." Amber reluctantly gives Caleb a hug. Caleb tells her that the only way she's getting out of the date is if she eats a whole banana (Amber hates bananas). The scene ends with Frankie suggesting, "You guys should go on a date in the house!" I can't decide if that's a horrible or wonderfully awkward idea. Oh well. I'll think on it and get back to you.

And that is where I will end this today. So what do you think about Cody being a giant pussy? Are you as happy as I am? Will the tide turn and send Donny home instead of Jowls? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Dead To Me

You guys, I'm sick. And when I get sick I get really really cranky. I also smell of garlic because I did what a tabloid article said to do and I just swallowed a ridiculous amount of raw garlic. But I don't want to leave you hanging another day. This will be quick, dirty and smell faintly of calzones. Let's recap, shall we?

Devin nominated Zach as Brittany's replacement because he's a giant douchebag. His reasoning for taking Brittany off the block is that she's a single mother and he has a single mother and a daughter. Did you know he had a daughter? I hate that brat. I really do. Yell at me all you want. I. Don't. Care. That kid is putting a damper on my summer and I'm hoping she wraps her belongings in a bandana, attaches it to the end of a stick and hops a train to South America. Buh bye daughter!

At the POV Ceremony, Zach went ape shit and started calling out all of his good buddies. Frankie, especially, was not happy.

In the meantime, Team America (fuck yeah!) is now complete. It consists of Donny, Frankie and Derrick. Derrick is interpreting the whole stupid thing as a secret gift message from America that those 3 chuckleheads should be working together when, in actuality, it was simply a popularity contest. Anyhow, Derrick is now putting ALL of his focus on making Team America (fuck yeah!) the most important alliance to his game.

This brings us to another problem - Frankie. How do you solve a problem like Frankie? Once good buddies with Zach, Frankie no longer trusts him and actually wants to vote him out this week. Since I have an ooey gooey soft spot for Zach, I NOW HATE FRANKIE! And, believe me, Frankie is working overtime to make Zach skedaddle. He's holding meetings, kissing ass, telling lies and being Devin's bitch boy. It's gross. Frankie is dead to me.

And then we have Amber. Useless Amber. She's a twit. Hayden hates her and is now his number one target. Dare I say I'm starting to like Hayden now?

What else? What else? Oh! SO Zach outed the entire Bomb Squad to Hayden right in front of Derrick and while Hayden wasn't entirely surprised, he was a little miffed that he was never asked to join. Derrick, Cody and Zach now want to pull Hayden into their Bro alliance. Speaking of Cody, he's got his panties in a twist because he thinks with the Bomb Squad completely exposed that the other side of the house (i.e. the dumb ass twit girls who couldn't open a bottle of ketchup if their life depended on it) will now target the strapping young lads and start picking them off one by one. Slow your roll, Cody. Go pop a Midol and you'll feel better in the morning.

For the most part, Caleb was pretty quiet and introspective. He is very angry that Devin decided to act personally instead of for what's best for the Bomb Squad. However, last I checked, he too wants Zach out.

SO, here's where we are - Frankie is hellbent on getting Zach out of the game and, from last I saw, he is close to pulling it off. BUT we have a small faction that may or may not consist of Cody, Hayden, Derrick and Brittany who would like to save Zach.

And there you have it. A million apologies for the quickness and crudeness of this post. You know how I hate putting out anything subpar, but I feel like Devin's daughter will when she grows up and realizes what a nightmare her father is. In other words, I want to die. On the plus, I smell a little like a delicious pizza right now. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! Definitely feel free to correct anything I left out or missed.

Beef Stew

The sun's gone dim,
And the moon's gone black
For I loved [her],
And [she] didn't love back.
- Dorothy Parker

Unrequited love. Life's greatest disappointment. Life's one-sided melodrama that consumes your days and nights. You stew in it, wallow in it. You get your hands all pruney from it. Eventually, there you are, wrinkled and alone. Confused. Battered. Bruised. It'll beat you up, this longing. It'll turn your life upside down without even laying a finger on you. When you've gone through all the pining and the scratching, when you're a sad and lonely jumbled mess, the only thing left to do is pick yourself up, brush yourself up and seek the only thing that will ease your broken heart... REVENGE. Callous and twisted bloodthirsty revenge. How sweet it is! Let's recap, shall we?

We begin the day bright and early with Frankie and Christine in the bathroom wiping the sleep from their eyes and preparing to endure another day in this house of horrors. Before the others wake and start their day, Frankie whispers to Christine that someone (it's very hard to hear) said that Diva (Devin) is more Amber's type than Caleb's. Christine gasps and covers her mouth before the both of them double over and burst into a fit of giggles. Others HG's begin to trickle into the bathroom so the duo in red head outside to continue their conversation.

Frankie tells Christine that this Amber drama is so insane that Caleb now wants a smaller alliance WITHOUT Diva and Amber in it. Again, the two double over, grab their sides, and giggle. Through the laughter, Christine says, "This is working out so beautifully!" Frankie giggles and says that all of the dumb jocks in the house have basically given both him and Christine all the info they need to destroy each and every one of them.

Frankie continues and tells Christine how Diva was the one who told Caleb about Amber liking him more. After Caleb told Frankie all about it, Frankie asked Caleb, "Don't you think it's weird that Diva told you all of this after nominations?" Christine then asks Frankie what Caleb says and Frankie, in his best southern drawl, replies, "He was like, 'Dayummm!'" The two burst into giggles again and I have to admit, I was chuckling a great deal too.

Frankie then tells Christine that he's doing his best to make sure that Caleb doesn't blow up yet. He says that Diva, too, is hard at work on damage control. Frankie then pauses and shakes his head. He says he can't believe Diva even told Caleb in the first place. He wonders aloud what could have possibly possessed him to share that information. Christine replies, "It's because he's so prideful." Frankie says that is exactly what it is. Frankie then tells Christine that Diva said he probably wouldn't even date Amber anyways because she's not a white girl. Christine replies, "What a dick!"

The subject then turns to Brittany who is quickly becoming the next target in the house. Frankie says that Brittany showed all of her cards last night and that she is incredibly good at manipulating people. He says that he let her manipulate him as well so he could find out what she was up to. It turns out that she is still on the Diva rampage which is good for Frankie and Christine because Caleb is too!

Caleb's new smaller alliance consists of Caleb, Frankie, Derrick, Hayden and Christine. Christine wonders where the hell Hayden came from to be included, but is also stunned to hear that she's even a part of it. Frankie tells her that he got her in. She then thanks Frankie and tells him that he's the best person on the planet.

Armed with all of this new information, Christine really wants to win HOH this week. She didn't want to before because she was scared to step on Caleb's toes and go against him or anger him. But now, she can totally win, put up Diva, and Caleb will be fine with it. Frankie agrees and says that it's totally cool for anyone to win HOH now because everyone hates Diva. Both of them then agree that they don't want Diva anywhere near the Jury House. Frankie doesn't like the idea of Diva speaking for him in any way, shape or form. Frankie then mentions how Brittany, apparently, wants to go home before Jury so she can see her babies, but that Caleb doesn't want to send her home yet because of Amber (I have no idea what this means). Neither Frankie or Christine have any info on Jocasta, but they decide that it might be fun to have her be the one to get rid of Diva. She can tell him, "You gots to go because you... is a lunatic!"

The rest of the morning crawls on which not much going on at all. Caleb gets his HOH camera and the house takes pictures that I have no idea who actually goes and looks at, but whatever.

Later we find Caleb and Nicole sitting together. Caleb is doing what Caleb does best and that would be - obsessing about Amber. Ever since Diva said what he did last night, Caleb has been stewing and stewing all day long. Caleb tells Nicole that he heard that Amber has been making comments about how she wishes people would stop talking about her and Caleb because she doesn't like him like that. He tells Nicole how Amber was saying that Caleb is all about himself and not anyone else. Nicole replies that it could all be hearsay and that he needs to be careful trusting people, especially Diva. Caleb tells her that everyone has been saying it so it must be true. Caleb then says that he doesn't think he's all about himself. He says that Amber just hasn't taken the time to know him. It is at this point where Nicole has lost total interest in the Amber drama and turns her attention to the camera across the yard. She starts shouting to whomever has the camera saying she wants a picture of her taken. Caleb is visibly annoyed that all of Nicole's attention isn't on him and that she's not as traumatized by Amber as he is. This will be a recurring thing... wait for it.

Frankie then goes over to where Caleb and Nicole are sitting and starts to take selfies with Nicole. Eventually, Nicole leaves with the camera and now Frankie is trapped. Caleb mumbles how every time he looks at Amber he gets pissed off. He says he can't stand people talking about him especially when he can't do anything about it. Frankie gently suggests that maybe Caleb should go talk to Amber, but Caleb says he has no desire to speak to her. It should also be known that even though Caleb is relatively calm, his foot keeps jostling and his abs are so tense that you know, you just know, that he is constantly fighting against that urge to go ape shit on everyone.

Caleb then wonders if maybe Amber's period is messing with her mood. Frankie then tells Caleb that he has to take everything he hears in the house with a grain of salt. Frankie says that the only think Caleb can trust is his gut. Frankie asks, "What is your gut telling you?" Caleb replies, "You don't want to know what my gut is saying." *bites fist* And even though Caleb advises against sharing what his gut is saying, he does it anyways. He tells Frankie that his gut says to get up, go over to everyone and asks them to raise their hand if they think Caleb is full of himself. When Amber doesn't raise her hand, he'll asks her why not since she's been telling the house the exact opposite. (It's a little nuts, but Caleb is more upset over people thinking he's a narcissistic asshole than he is over Amber not loving him)

Caleb's feet continue to shake and his entire body tenses up as he says it infuriates him that he can't do anything about Amber because she's in his alliance. He can't believe that she's using him to take her to the end. Caleb says that he has been nothing but nice to that girl and all he got out of it was a date to a fake prom. He says that from now on he's not going to do anything nice for her anymore. He vows never to make her ice cream again!

Perhaps too hot from the midday sun or maybe exhausted from listening to Caleb go on and on about Amber, Frankie seeks refuge inside where he runs into Cody. Immediately, he starts waving his hands this way and that telling Cody that things are totally falling apart now because of what Diva did to Caleb. Cody, the innocent clueless lad, is stunned to hear about the Caleb/Diva convo from last night. He is especially shocked because Caleb has been acting like everything is cool around him. Cody then decides that Caleb must be putting up a front by making things look better than they are in an effort to protect his ego. Frankie sighs and asks out loud, why can't they just be calm, cool, and collected?! The two agree that Caleb is not good at all right now. He is 100% not OK.

Fast forwarding to a little bit later, we find Caleb, Zach and Christine in the Hive. The three are talking about keeping Payola (Paola) because she's so weak and will never win HOH. And then it happens. Caleb changes the subject and says, "I'm not going to name any names, but there's a girl in this house and..." And then, right at that perfect moment, right when Caleb is about to once again spill his ooey gooey guts about Amber, a psychotic new HG named Alex (Joey dressed up like a homeless person) enters the room and starts screaming at the top of her lungs how she should stay in the house. Honestly, I didn't give two shits about Joey/Alex, I was more focused on the frustration on Caleb's face at being interrupted yet again. No once cares about his Amber stories and it's pretty funny.

BUT as soon as Joey/Alex leaves the room, Caleb doesn't miss a beat and picks up right where he left off. He says he hates it when this "anonymous girl" says, "I'll take you to the end if you take me to the end." What in the sam hell is he talking about? It's like with every repetition of the story, new plot points pop up out of nowhere. Christine and Zach listen to all of this and politely nod. Caleb repeats how he can't stand it when people use him to get to the end. Caleb then says that their alliance needs to tighten up. And just as he's about to say how he wants Diva and Amber out of the alliance, Joey/Alex starts screaming so loud that the conversation is once again abruptly interrupted. *doubles over laughing*

Zach uses the chaos as an opportunity to escape so he heads outside for an important meeting with Derrick. OK so Zach and Derrick have a secret 5 person alliance and they can't let anybody know about it at all. Zach and Derrick agree that they both need to lay low and appear not to be making any moves at all. They'll let everyone else self destruct just like Joey is doing right now. Zach then says that he hopes Diva goes home next. He says he can't stand the guy, but he's been sucking his dick everyday and telling him he's the man. That Zach definitely has a way with words.

Zach and Derrick say that they will do whatever they need to do to keep the targets off of their backs. They say that if Caleb wants to know who is the one doing all the talking and stirring shit up, they'll let him know that it's Frankie. Zach then gets excited over the fact that he can't wait to tell Donny about how it was all Diva's plan to get rid of him. Both Zach and Derrick like Donny and are looking forward to outing that jerk Diva to him.

Then Cody joins them on the hammock and starts swinging and swinging back and forth like a child who's missed his Ritalin dose. As Cody ties his shoes to work out, Zach and Derrick quickly fill him in on all the Amber developments and how Caleb is now saying that Amber is using him. Zach says that when they were in the Hive just now, Christine had walked in and said point blank, "I hear the plan is to get rid of Diva now." Zach says Christine almost blew up the whole alliance and screwed everything up. I'm a little confused about this, but I think Christine isn't supposed to know she's in the new alliance yet. I know, I know, it doesn't make any sense. Zach continues and says that Caleb stared straight at Christine and Christine's face went completely white. She tried to cover it up, but Zach can't believe what a dumb ass she was.

Derrick then chimes in and says that the 3 of them need to be en pointe all the time. None of them have any reason to open their mouths unless they're playing pool or something. Cody mumbles something about it being just them 3 - I kind of think Cody is the ditz of the group who just says stuff that he thinks sounds right. Derrick and Zach continue and say that if Frankie wants to talk, let him talk. Derrick is pretty sure that Frankie is getting ready to jump ship anyways. Interesting.

Alright so this is where I've got to end this today. Everyone expected Caleb to lose his shit yesterday, but he never did. He's close though. He is very very close. Tomorrow is my blogging day off, but if he shoots up the house or takes Amber hostage, I'll definitely pop in and do an update. Fingers crossed!

Count on Joey going home this week and everyone fighting to win HOH. You know that tricky trickster Big Brother would love nothing more than to have Diva win HOH - and screw things up! - so I wouldn't be surprised if the HOH comp is baseball themed.

I'll be back Friday the 4th of July with an update of Thursday night's shenanigans. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!