One Flew Over The Rachel's Nest

Yesterday on Swamp People, the planet Earth shriveled up into a tiny raisin because a mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant named Kalia sucked up all the air, all the words, all the atoms and left us in the state we find ourselves today. If only we had the foresight to hook her up to a generator. Her incessant talking could have saved us instead of killed us. The energy crisis would be over and the corpses that line the streets would be full of life instead of rotting and covered in maggots. When Kalia speaks, PEOPLE DIE. She says "Hello" and an innocent woman in a grocery store falls over dead in a pile of legumes. Her words have power - tiny little vicious shards of deadly power. To any survivors left: plug your ears with whatever you can find; tampons, cotton balls, hot wheels, raisins. Do it now and meet me under the clocktower at noon. I found a t-shirt gun in an abandoned warehouse and I've filled it with potato chips. It's our only line of defense. Let's recap, shall we?



It was a slow and lazy morning. These assholes insist on staying up all night so, of course, they like to sleep all morning. Except for Shelly. Steel wool for hands, bathtub brushes for feet Shelly. There's grime to tackle and hard water stains to fight. Shelly to the rescue! So anyhow, the POV players were finally picked (Daniele, Brendon, Rachel, Porsche, Adam, Jeff) and Kalia began her assault on the world. Like me, Kalia thinks the bag o'names is rigged. She thinks it's highly suspicious that her name wasn't pulled while I think it's a little strange she can stick an entire turkey in her mouth. *shrugs shoulders* To each her own.

Daniele chose Lawon to be our Kapowlicious host and right then and there we knew it would be a looooooong POV competition. Lawon isn't a dumb guy, he's just unaware. He's unaware of his surroundings. He's unaware there's a game going on. He's unaware of his shoes. It's ok though. We forgive Lawon his shortcomings because we know he's not a bad guy. He's not malicious and he's not unbearable. He's just a man with an exceptional collection of knee high socks and giant ties. While he may look fabulous, I think we all know that memorizing his hosting lines will be a little like trying to get Kalia to stop entering a room with a belch. It's just isn't going to happen.



From what I can gather the POV competition had a Name That Tune element to it that may or may not have included a balance beam. The HG's had to guess how many seconds it would take them to complete something. What, I don't know. What I do know is that Brendon won the POV and Jeff was furious. For over an hour after the competition ended, Jeff went on and on about how it was his competition to win. He says he forgot Porsche was even there - he often forgets she's in the house too - and somehow she screwed up his game. The part that I thought was interesting was how Jeff kept saying how he was supposed to win that comp. He was supposed to take the victory. But he made a stupid mistake and blew it. If I didn't know any better, I'd cry shenanigans on the DR. There was something in Jeff's tone that made me think he was tipped off somehow. Jeff isn't a guy who's confident about competitions. In fact, he's always very self-deprecating. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it. I'll bet the Pentagon knows the truth.



Up in the HOH room, Shelly is telling Daniele that Brendon wants to stay in the game. Daniele has a hard time believing that and says that from the very beginning she's heard that if it was between the two of them, Rachel would stay in the game. Shelly is clearly trying to feel out where Daniele's head is at, but it's coming out all wrong. She looks panicked and worried. When she finally leaves the room, she shouts, "Don't put me up!" Daniele looks at Kalia and says, "She's sketchy as hell." Daniele says she doesn't want Brendon to stay in the game, but she' not going to tell Shelly that. She doesn't understand why Shelly is pushing for Brendon to stay. I'll tell you why: it's because Rachel is a fucking nightmare to have to live with and Shelly can work Brendon much easier than she can work Rachel. Shelly's not a dumb lady. She sees what's going on. She sees that Rachel or Porsche are tight. She knows Rachel will throw her under the bus in a heartbeat (and she already has!). Shelly is just doing what's good for Shelly's game. The problem with that is it makes Daniele suspicious. Daniele now wonders who she should put up: Shelly or Jordan. Putting up Shelly would be the worst move she can make. All she needs to do is put up Jordan as a pawn and be done with it. Whichever half of Brenchel stays on the block will go home and that's that. If she puts Shelly up, she runs the risk of having the votes go the wrong way. For crying out loud, even Kalia wants Shelly out!



While Jeff was complaining to Jordan in the Tarot Room and Daniele was going over her options in the HOH room, Brendon & Rachel were complimenting each other in the Have-Not room. Brendon tells Rachel he'll take her off the block and in an instant, she morphs into a baby talking, lip furling, cooing, ooey gooey marshamallow puff version of her former self. I've never seen anything like it. Right before my eyes the fierce angry exterior melted away and a vomitiocious nose scrunching thing took it's place. They hugged and canoodled. She told him how amazing he was. He nodded and said, "I know." She told him how soothing his voice is. He nodded and said, "I know." I put my shish kabob skewers over the fire pit and prepared to impale my innards. Seriously, who really needs a spleen? And pancreas? Overhyped, if you ask me.



The Rachel mutation continued as an overwhelming sense of confidence and relief took over her body. She filled in her eyebrows, began the laborious process of covering up her chin-ce (That's chin acne. Pronounced "chin-key") and decided that maybe there's a way to keep them both safe. Now, I don't know what planet Mutation Rachel hails from, but I don't think it's one in the Milky Way. It has to be from another galaxy where up is down, hot is cold, right is left and red-headed bird people are worshipped. It's probably one of those planets in Flash Gordon where everyone's blood is blue and they play football with Faberge eggs. Rachel actually thinks that she can get Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon in her stead. Also, even though Brendon will use the POV to remove Rachel from the block, they're telling everyone he'll use it to remove himself. It's some sort of cockamamie test to see how the other HG's respond.



Brendon & Rachel are pretty much done with Jeff & Jordan, but they want to keep up appearances so they go into the Tarot Room and begin to tell them their plan of getting Daniele to put up Kalia or Lawon. Without hesitation, Jeff shakes his head and says there's no way she'll do that. Mutation Rachel must be deaf because she continues to explain how her plan will work. Jordan chimes in and says, "Daniele won't do that." Mutation Rachel's eyes glaze over, her head spins around and she says she'll pitch a deal to Daniele to bring the Oldies Five back together. That's like trying to get Diana Ross to rejoin The Supremes. It isn't gonna happen!



Later, Jeff begins to wonder why Rachel is so damn confident she's not going home. She seems chipper and upbeat when, normally, she'd be ripping the heads off of squirrels and smearing the blood all over herself. He thinks that maybe Brendon & Rachel have a deal with Daniele that he doesn't know about. Jordan wonders if perhaps they should go Daniele and start making suggestions that'll guarantee that either Brendon or Rachel go home. She wants to be sure that Brenchel doesn't get to Daniele first. It's a decent idea, but Jordan should realize that the only way to really assure Brenchel's demise is for herself to go on the block. Anyone else is a risk. Jordan is the only answer.



Meanwhile, Porsche is worried that she'll go on the block. Apparently, she did well in the POV and she thinks that it will make her a target now. Mutation Rachel responds with, "I'm so proud of my fiance." Porsche revs up her engine and sputters that she's a target now for hanging out with Brenchel. Rachel tells her to go up to the HOH and make a deal with Daniele. She says to lie and pledge her allegiance when really she'll just use it to stay safe and then go after Daniele next week. Mutation Rachel must have gotten some spittle on Porsche or something because Porsche is actually annoyed that Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Como what? *shakes head* I feel like I need a hit of acid to understand what the hell these bitches are talking about today. Rachel thinks Brenchel will stay intact and Porsche is mad Brendon didn't throw the POV to her. Where's Nurse Ratched because I'm pretty sure I'm in the Cuckoo's Nest right about now?


Let's take a much needed respite from all the assbackwards logic and treat ourselves to a little prank. Some HG's are outside while Kalia has beached herself on the hammock. Shelly bets everyone she can crawl underneath the hammock without Kalia even knowing she's there. As Kalia is in a potato coma, I'm obliged to agree with Shelly.



Shelly begins her approach with cat like stealth. Ass perched in the air, one bony knee after another, Shelly creeps up to her prey unnoticed.





Once she's reached her target, Shelly ignores the overwhelming stench of Frito's and salsa con queso and begins to slither her way underneath the mammoth sleeping giant.



One might think this is just a simple ground maneuver, but when you consider the possibility of portly Kalia crushing Boniva Betty, you'll understand just how dangerous this is.



Holy guacamole!


*wipes brow* Phew! Shelly lives to laugh another day.

After the gentle beast was awakened and given some attention, she began running her mouth and running her mouth and running her mouth. I guess it's the only exercise she gets, but come on! I can't listen to the Valley Girl bullshit anymore. Sure, she did well in the comp and, sure, she's anti-Brenchel, but she's a lying hippo hypcorite and it makes me insane. In one breath she says she has an amazing life and in the next she reveals she only has $300 in her bank account. Unless $300 is code for $3,000,000 dollars then Kalia is from the same planet that Pinto and Mutation Rachel are from. I'm sitting here fast forwarding through BBAD wondering when she'll shut the hell up. In the meantime, I can feel the oxygen being sucked out of the room and my organs beginning to shut down.

Finally, in the last hour I find Daniele in the Have-Not room with Mutation Rachel. Daniele is apologizing profusely and saying that everything up until now was what was best for her game. She hopes Rachel doesn't take it personally and Rachel mumbles, "It's ok. It's not a big deal. It's was stupid for me to think you can have friends in this game." *stabs self in ear with a screwdriver* Pity party of one, SHUT UP. If she's not gloating, she's pouting. Vile, vile woman. Daniele hopes that once they leave the house, they'll realize it's all a game. After all, Rachel is friends with Ragan now. Rachel doesn't hear any of it. She says shit like, "You're coming after me and my fiance." Bitch, Ragan destroyed you and you guys are besties now. Get over it!

Well, I'm going to end this here. I'd like Brendon to take Rachel off the block, Jordan to go up as the replacement, Brendon to go home and Kalia to eat Rachel's face. In the meantime, I'll load some oxygen tanks into my basement. I'm sure Kalia will have something to say about something and, I don't about you, but I'm not ready to die for that bitch. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Thick Salty Tequila Tears

There is truly only one way to open this blog today properly... Please to watch the following video:







There is a time to dance bitches and that time is NOW. Let's recap, shall we?

After a tense endurance competition where a leathery fish-lipped goddess named Shelly refused to fall, Daniele finally won and is our new HOH. Satyrs galloped, nymphs danced and fairies placed crowns of posies atop childrens heads. There was an overwhelming sense of peace as well as an overwhelming sense of "Bitter, party of two." Brendon & Rachel wrapped themselves in their soiled comforters of good sportsmanship and proceeded to cry, bitch, whine and moan about how they are the only ones ever in the history of Big Brother who deserve to win all the competitions. They cried bouncy, fluffy, tequila-tasting tears and for that one hiccup in time, missing persons were found, terrorists exploded themselves and all of those Kardashian shows got canceled.

This brings us to yesterday. The entire house was in turmoil and everyone was preparing to make their cases to Daniele. Shelly's only mission is to keep Jeff & Jordan safe which, yes, I can admit is a little creepy. I can understand wanting to keep your alliance intact, but there is a little bit of an underlying stalker vibe that accompanies Shelly everytime she talks about Jeff & Jordan. They are not the perfect paradigms of goodness she makes them out to be. They haven't cured cancer and they're not Oscar winning actors. They're regular people with very annoying accents who accidentally landed on a reality show. Shelly, to me, illustrates what every single one of those crazy Jejo fans must be like in real life. It's fine to root for your favorites, but when you make them your entire life, you're a sneeze away from a restraining order. Having said that, I can still appreciate the social game she's playing and she did prove that she's a tough old broad when it comes to endurance. When she snarkily told Kalia how surprised she was she didn't take the $10,000 because of her financial situation, I covered my mouth and giggled. It's little bitch comments like that that are cause for celebration. They're seemingly innocent, but they're really dipped in vitriol.



Speaking of the patron saint of deer skins, Rachel is beginning to suspect that Shelly is someone who cannot be trusted. In the Have-Not room she complains to Porsche that she thinks Shelly could have held on much longer in that endurance competition and probably didn't want to get blood on her hands if she won HOH. Porsche explains to Rachel that Shelly actually had a really big blister on her hand and all she cared about was seeing photos of her daughter. Rachel mumbles "Oh. Well then I guess I'm being paranoid" and then searches her mind for other reasons she could possibly hate Shelly.

Rachel thinks that maybe Shelly is playing both sides of the house and, for some reason, everyone is buying it. Like Kalia said, just because you're nice to everyone, it doesn't mean you're in an alliance with them. Shelly is an equal opportunity ass kisser, but her loyalty lies strictly with Jeff & Jordan. That is her alliance. That is her mission. If she has to be friends with Brenchel to help Jeff & Jordan, then she'll do it. If she has to kiss Daniele's ass, so be it. Shelly is far from a floater and it drives me crazy when Rachel starts her "I hate floaters" crap. The only true floater in the house right now is Adam. Adam bounces from side to side week to week. Everyone else is pretty well esconced with their alliances. Lawon doesn't count because Lawon still doesn't know that there's money at stake. I'm not even sure he knows where he is. We just let Lawon be Lawon and then go about our day. One could argue, as you'll later see in this blog today, that RACHEL IS A FLOATER. More on this later...



So Rachel and Porsche continue talking and, like she always does, Rachel manages to swing around to Cassi again. Cassi may be gone, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that she's slowly eating away at Rachel's insides. I can just imagine the jealousy turning all of Rachel's vital organs into putrid pea soup shades of green. Rachel is mad that Shelly was friends with Cassi and, in Rachel's mind, that makes her not trustworthy. Either you're Rachel's friend or no one's friend and that's that. Porsche chimes in that she thinks Shelly cleans all the time because she's so nervous and anxious from playing both sides of the house. Give me a fucking break. We've all heard Shelly talk about how clean she keeps her home, how all of the sheets get washed every week, how the Swiffer has a shrine in her garage. Shelly cleans because she likes to. She doesn't like dirt. Not everyone, like Rachel, is content to live in filth.



Staying with Shelly, we move on to the HOH where she is now meeting with Daniele. Shelly says she heard that Daniele wants to put her on the block. Daniele sighs and says that Rachel must have said that. Daniele goes on to say that she's not scared to make a big move in this game. She just doesn't want to be hung out to dry after she does it. If she makes a move that benefits the house, then she wants to know that people will have her back next week. Shelly says she understands that, but doesn't think that Jeff & Jordan are the people to go after right now. Brendon & Rachel are far more dangerous and clearly don't have Dani's best interest at heart. Shelly tells Dani that Brenchel will throw anyone under the bus to further their game. Just look at what they did last week to Daniele.

Daniele says that she was pissed off how no one cheered for her during the HOH while everyone was cheering for Shelly. Shelly says that the cheering angered her because she knew Rachel was doing it in the event that Shelly won. Shelly knew she was being used and it embarrassed her more than anything else. Shelly asks Daniele what happened between her and Jeff. The whole thing shocked her because Jeff & Jordan never say anything bad about Daniele whereas Brenchel say shit about her all the time. Shelly advises Dani that if she were to make a deal with Jeff & Jordan, they'd be true to their word and keep it. No way would Brendon & Rachel be trustworthy at this moment in time. They wanted Daniele out this week. It would be a huge mistake for Daniele to trust them now.



Shelly continues on and begins to talk about Adam. She says he's so nervous in the game, but that he'll do whatever she tells him to do. She brings up how he's diabetic and has to take medication and then the feeds cut out. Adam is a diabetic? I had no idea. I asked my Twitter followers about it and apparently Shelly has brought it up before and everytime she brings it up, the feeds cut out. I guess it's something Adam doesn't want people to know about yet the entire house knows anyways. I don't know. I'm confused.

Shelly then turns on the charm and tells Daniele that she has a good chance of winning America's Player and the $25,000. Daniele doesn't care about that and only cares that if she has someone's back, will they have hers too? Shelly tells her absolutely and then tells Daniele that her job depends on her being honest and trustworthy. She supports her family and can't risk doing something on TV that could jeopardize her job. She also says how disgusted she was that Brenchel said Kalia only lasted as long as she did in the competition because she's fat and has a muffin top. Daniele didn't like that comment either and the conversation ends somewhat in the air. I think Shelly made all the points she went in to make - Brenchel can't be trusted, Brenchel will stab Dani in the back. Brenchel are mean people, Dani should make a deal with Jeff & Jordan.



Shelly leaves and in walks Jeff & Jordan. They sit down and Daniele says, "Awk-ward!" They all kind of look at each other in weird silence for a while before Daniele finally apologizes for her actions last week. She tells J&J that it was never her intention to hurt them personally. It was strictly a game move. She genuinely likes them as people and didn't do what she did to hurt them. She then says that she won't go after them this week as long as they keep her safe next week. Jeff brings up backdoorgate and I'm not exactly sure he just heard Daniele's proposal. All Jeff wants to talk about is why Daniele wanted to backdoor him. He still doesn't understand why it all happened. All he wants to do is get to Jury with Jordan so that they can spend the summer together. Jordan mumbles something about being in a long distance relationship and I mumbled something along the lines of, "Go rent a lake house together. Big Brother is not a way to mend your long distance relationship woes." It's gross and offensive that these two are using Big Brother as an excuse to see each other. Neither of them care about winning. They want to make it to Jury and spend August by the pool. They've said it themselves. Over and over and over again, they've said it. As a fan of the game and a hater of people who don't do shit in it, Jeff & Jordan are mockeries. If I wasn't so worried about the possibilty of Jeff being voted back into the game, then I'd say, "The hell with them!" Split them up for being complacent assholes and be done with it.

Finally, Jeff says that if Daniele is sincere about the one week deal, then he'll take it. He doesn't even care who her target is this week. He just wants to get to Jury. Jordan dumbly nods her head and wonders what they should say when they go back downstairs. Jeff says they won't say anything at all. They have no idea what Daniele's plans are and they'd like to keep it that way. Before they leave, Daniele asks them if Shelly said she'd put her up if she won HOH. Jeff & Jordan quickly say no. Apparently, in an effort to throw Shelly under the bus, Rachel has told Daniele that Shelly's target, had she won, would have been Daniele. Daniele seems satisfied with their answer and Jeff & Jordan seem satisfied with their deal. Meeting adjourned.



Now, remember how Jeff said he didn't care to know who Daniele's target was and how he'd much rather just make his little deal and be done with it? Well, guess what he does immediately after leaving the HOH? He marches right outside to the backyard and tells Rachel, Brendon and Shelly everything Daniele just told them. He not only outlines the deal he's made, but he tells them how he told Daniele he didn't care to know her targets. It's a strange, strange move that I just don't understand. Upon hearing this, Shelly begins to give Rachel advice on how to approach Daniele. Jeff jumps in and tells Rachel she's too emotional because she's on her period. Brendon says he'll do all the talking. Rachel gets up and cries. Jeff tells Brendon he needs to try to calm her down before she goes upstairs. He suggests maybe drowning her in the pool. While I'm completely onboard with the "Drown Rachel" plan, I don't understand why Jeff opened his big fat mouth in the first place.


It's now Adam's turn in the HOH. One might think it's very hard to take a man in an elf costume seriously, but, quite frankly, I find it very hard to take anything Adam says seriously. Adam is a "mugging it up for the cameras" idiot. He's the worst superfan to ever enter the house. At least Matt and Ronnie tried to play. At least they made deals. At least they did something! Adam is useless. 100% useless. He's neither entertaining nor a smart player. If by some miracle he makes it to the end, it won't be for trying. It'll be for floating. Very rarely do I come out and point the floater finger at someone, but Adam is that someone. His conversation with Daniele is brief. He hopes she doesn't nominate him and can she please not put his key in last because he hasn't had the chance to turn someone's key yet. Ugh! He sickens me. He's in the house for the theatricality of it all. Don't tell me he's not pleased as punch to get that elf costume. That's the best thing that could have happened to Adam. Believe me.



Next up is Kalia. She doesn't really need to talk to Daniele at all. She's absolutely safe. She's just hungry and it's her time to suck on Daniele's teat. They talk about Shelly and Daniele says that she thinks Rachel is spreading lies about her in an effort to throw her under the bus. Kalia disagrees and thinks Shelly is dangerous. She actually wouldn't mind Shelly going up on the block now. Daniele doesn't agree at all. She thinks that Shelly would be a good person to keep around to the end. She'll be easy to eliminate later in final four or five. Kalia again disagrees. She thinks Shelly is the biggest liar in the game and tells Daniele how she's angry Shelly told her she was surprised she didn't jump and take the $10,000. Daniele tells Kalia it's very important for them to be on the same page. You see, they've made a final two deal. Clearly, Daniele wants to be in control of how they get to the end, but, yes, they have a deal. Daniele tells Kalia that from here on out they can't go behind each other's back. Kalia agrees and then shoves her face into a bowl of pudding.



Get one hand free bitches because now it's time for Brendon & Rachel to beg for their lives. The two walk into the HOH with their heads hanging low and their tails tucked between their legs. First off, Brendon apologizes. He wants to talk personal before he talks game so for about 5 nauseating minutes he fights back tears and says he felt personally attacked by Daniele. He says he felt like Daniele was choosing Dominic over him and his harlot and that hurt his little itty bitty feelings. Daniele says her stock line, "I genuinely like you guys. I really really do." and now it's Rachel's turn to beg.



Rachel wants to know if there is any way they can make a deal. Daniele says she's not really making any deals right now. Keep in mind, Jeff just trotted downstairs and told everyone about the DEAL he just made. Rachel says they should rekindle the final 5 deal and start taking out the Newbies one by one. Now, call me crazy, but doesn't that make Rachel a FLOATER? Last week she was anti-Daniele. This week she's pro-Daniele. Hey Rachel, come here: YOU ARE A FLOATING FLOATERY FLOATER. Suck it! Daniele asks why she should ever trust Rachel again. She knows that if she didn't win HOH this week, she'd be up on the block. Brendon & Rachel stare blankly as a lovely shade of crimson creeps over their faces.



Brendon chimes in and says that his biggest fear is that someone like Kalia or Lawon sneaks through to the end and takes the grand prize. Rachel, on the other hand, wants them to play together so they can enjoy the parties that are coming and the trips they can win. You can tell by the look on Daniele's face that she doesn't give a shit about parties or prizes. Rachel, however, thinks that the "kick ass vets" deserve those things far more than any of the Newbies. The conversation continues and continues. Brendon doesn't want a black person to win, Rachel wants a new deal, Daniele knows she would be on the block right now had she lost. They end it all with a fake hug. Brenchel walks out and Daniele promptly fake shoots herself in the head with a finger gun.

In the end, Daniele has nominated Brendon & Rachel for eviction. *fanfare* Gumdrops, lollipops, gin and glitter! The nomination ceremony ended with lots of thick delicious salty tears. Watching Brendon & Rachel cry together is an interesting experience. All at once you feel exhilerated and nauseated. You don't know whether to dance or puke. Personally, I did a little bit of both. I danced when Rachel wiped snot all over the sleeves of her mesh shirt and then I puked when Brendon said he'll cure cancer, patent it and make them far more than $500,000. The plan is to get Brendon out of the house, but if Brendon wins POV he says he's taking Rachel off the block. I think I want Brendon to go. Rachel is vile, but she's good for some drama and she's never played without Brendon before. I'd definitely like to see her on the warpath, back on the sauce and without her controlling boyfriend pulling her puppet strings. And, if Cassi or Dom comes back in the game... AHAHAHAHA!!!! Beautious wonderment will ensue. Grab a life vest Big Red. You're going to need it.

So, what do you guys think about the tides turning? Would you rather Brendon or Rachel went home? How do you feel about the Daniele/Kalia alliance? Will Jeff & Jordan uphold their part of the deal next week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you still don't have your feeds, what the hell are you waiting for? This week is going to be insane and I have a feeling next week will be even better. We have ourselves a game bitches. Don't miss out!