Coming To A Piggly Wiggly Near YOU

Big budget movies, reality shows, The Amazing Race, bar tours, concert gigs, commercials, websites, interviews, magazines, grocery store openings, time travel... the sky's the limit for the chuckleheads left in the house. Just ask them. According to Lane, there's a multi-million dollar 200 city/42 country bar tour awaiting him and Hayden when they leave the house. You think Bon Jovi or the Rolling Stones are the only people who can conquer Rio and Tokyo? Wrong! The Brigade is gonna tear this world up! Seriously, you guys, buy your tickets NOW before they sell out.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what Hayden and Lane will actually do on these tour dates, but it's bound to be fascinating, right? I mean, maybe they'll get on stage and work out or play pool. Fingers crossed I can see Hayden brush his bangs to and fro. Is Tiger Beat still around? Get Lane's mug on the cover of that bad boy because I so want to decorate my locker with it. And, if someone can finagle some sort of Burger King Hayden & Lane action figures or fountain cups, I'd be eternally grateful.

I'm sitting here watching last night's BBAD and wondering to myself what hallucinogenics Big Brother has been slipping into the water. I'm thinking it's potent, CIA created, and probably only legal in Amsterdam. An underground laboratory at Langley was definitely involved and perhaps input from the CDC as well. If whatever Lane and Hayden are ingesting gets out to the viewing public, that show The Colony won't simply be speculation anymore. It'll be fact. Anarchy will break out, I'll be forced to make a windmill out of shutters, and I may or may not have to create gasoline out of pig parts. Advanced delusion, like I'm witnessing right now in the BB house, is what killed the dinosaurs I think.

So, Lane has won Part 2 of the HOH and Enzo is pretty much done. Hooray! Hayden and Lane have vowed to take one another to the Final 2 as neither think they can beat Enzo in the end. Enzo knows what the dilly-o is so he's decided to sit in a corner by himself and pout all night long. He doesn't even want "Wifey" and the baby to come to the finale anymore. He prefers to sit in solitude with his thoughts and bitch and moan about how he fucked up his "golden opportunity" to win half a million dollars. He blew his one and only chance for his family to have a better life and the future is looking remarkably bleak right about now. His wife will have to continue to work in a sweltering factory where bathroom breaks are forbidden, Baby Gia will be forced to carry a kerchief on the end of a long stick and steal canned foods from passing trains, and Enzo will have to work 19 minimum wage jobs flipping burgers. It's all very very sad. Apparently losing Big Brother is the end of the road for Enzo. I have no idea how he managed to exist and survive before BB12 came along, but whatever worked for him before won't work anymore and now his life is over. *tear* Gia will probably end up addicted to the heroin and turning tricks in the back of blacked out vans - all because her daddy lost Big Brother.

While Enzo spent his evening with his head in the oven, Lane & Hayden sat outside in their misspelled Brigade t-shirts planning their futures. Exciting stuff, let me tell ya. Why anyone anywhere would pay anything to see these two idiots is beyond me. Do yourselves a favor and save your money. Take the money you'd spend on a Brigade t-shirt and get yourself a few months of NetFlix. Invest the money you'd spend on gas driving to Steamboat and treat yourself to a Blu-Ray DVD player. Hell, go ahead and buy an 8 track or some VHS tapes. Anything would be wiser than giving these two yahoos your cash.

Aaaaand, that's pretty much all I got for today. Nothing happened and nothing will happen from here on out. My weekend is jam packed (thank god!) so there won't be any blogs until at least Monday. So, what did you guys think of Part 2 last night? Did it shock you Enzo only stayed on that swing for 25 minutes in Part 1? Out of all the people in BB12, who do you think has the best chance of getting on The Amazing Race? How long do you suppose Rachel spends rehearsing one-liners? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Wednesday Bloody Wednesday

The night began with a buzz and a simple "What does this do, yo?" It was Enzo in the bathroom playing with a new razor and inadvertantly sealing his own fate. You know that phrase Gandhi said "Desperate times call for desperate measures"? Well, desperation took over the Big Brother house last night and audiences everywhere were subjected to a night so bloody that Bono is penning lyrics about it as we speak. Yes, my dear readers, Enzo has breathed his last breath and "Yo'd" his last Yo. Never has Big Brother After Dark been so violent so it is with great sensitivity and painstaking care that I recap for you the last moments of one Mr. Enzo Palumbo's life. Let's recap, shall we?

Hayden has won HOH and the Brigade has accomplished everything it's set out to do: bore and annoy BB fans everywhere to the point of just not caring anymore. We can't even be bothered to get angry. When the news hit that BB13 has already been ordered we all just kind of yawned, stretched, and said, "Really? Oh ok." and then we went back to napping. The only thing that makes us want to get out of bed and maybe brush our teeth for the day is the fact that America's Choice for favorite player is still in our hands. Now, I'd love more than anything else for Kristen to win, but I'm a realist (sometimes) and it's bone hard medical fact that she left the game way too early to win AC. I could mobilize my infantry units and demand everyone vote for her, but I fear it just won't be enough. Dick and Jane America watching only the CBS shows don't read this blog and, while they're lives are severely lacking because of it, there's no way they'll vote Kristen for AC. She left too soon and Dick & Jane just don't take their Gingko Biloba like they used to. So, where does that leave the Bitchy Big Brother Blog? I'm torn as to whether or not to endorse Ragan or Britney. I like them both, but I want to be sure to pick the one who has the best chance of winning. Had America not chosen Ragan for Saboteur, I'd go ahead and recommend you give your vote to Britney, but I just don't know. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments and we'll collectively vote as a group for that one person. Let's do everything we can to make sure Enzo does NOT win America's Choice.

OK so back in the house the mood is a pleasant one. Hayden is peering through the mop on his head and fiddling with the HOH key around his neck while Lane is off somewhere... breathing. Only Enzo appears to be jittery and full of energy. He sits in the bathroom alone and attempts to take care of a little manscaping for the big live show tonight. Big Brother has graciously given the HG's a shiny new sharp razor and Enzo is busy trying to figure out how to turn it on. He plugged it in, but for some reason the damn thing just won't buzz. He hollers for Hayden and Lane to come help him, but they just sigh and continue practicing being comatose. Enzo shouts, "Yo, help me with this razor, yo!" Hayden and Lane look at each other with raised eyebrows. "Did he just say razor?", Lane asks. "Yeah dude.", Hayden replies. Slow smiles creep across their faces as they rise and prepare to help their good buddy figure out the razor... yo.

Hayden and Lane enter the bathroom area to find Enzo seated and shaking the electric razor up and down. Hayden gently puts one hand on Enzo's shoulder and whispers, "Here, let me help you with that." It quickly becomes apparent to Hayden that Enzo has simply forgotten to flip the power switch in the "On" position. He shares his discovery with the group and they all throatily giggle together. Enzo smiles, "Thanks, yo." Pointing to the back of his head, he asks, "Would you mind trimming up this part back here, yo?" Hayden answers, "Sure buddy." He looks to Lane, winks mischievously, and beckons him over with one finger. Hayden says, "Let Lane hold your head still. I want to make sure to trim a straight line." Enzo sits in the chair while Lane straddles him and grips Enzo's bristly head with his two meaty paws. It was a little awkward at first, but Enzo trusted his buddies so he didn't give Lane's hot breath in his face a second thought.

Razor in hand Hayden kisses the HOH key around his neck, looks up to the camera to mouth the words, "I'm sorry", and with great precision he proceeds to slice off Enzo's ear. Lane holds the screaming Eye-talian still while Hayden takes the severed ear and begins to eat it. Enzo struggles and shrieks, "What the hell are you doing yo?!" Hayden smiles a no lipped bloody smile and replies, "Making sure I win $500,000 yo." Now, Hayden and Lane aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they know their odds of winning greatly increase with Enzo safely out of the picture. As Hayden is kind of a pussy boy who'll only begrudgingly make decisions when he absolutely has to, it's just easier for him if Enzo were to, oh I don't know, suddenly disappear. Having to choose on live TV on finale night between his two buddies makes Hayden feel all oogy inside and if there's one thing Hayden hates, it's feeling oogy.

As far as Lane is concerned, well, he just loves the violence. Sure, he may not win the 500K, but with Enzo gone he's guaranteed at least 50K and that's good enough for him. Seeing Hayden chomp away on Enzo's floppy ear gives Lane an idea. He takes the razor from Hayden and begins to work it back and forth over each one of Enzo's fingers. Hayden leaps and dances like a monkey boy in the background while Lane stuffs the fingers one by one into Enzo's giant trap. "That's for eating with your mouth open!", Lane declares. Hayden giggles and takes the razor back from Lane. He shaves Enzo's head bare and laughs heartily when the teeny tiny hairplugs from the Jeremy Piven Collection began to leap out of Enzo's skull.

The bloodied torture continued into the wee hours of the morn and, let me just say, it was Amityville, Silence Of The Lambs, and the poodle scene from Interview With The Vampire all rolled up into one. Removing Enzo's nipples with a sharpened wooden spoon was bad enough, but did Hayden and Lane really have to eat Enzo Toe Nuggets for dessert? As a pacifist that just seemed a little extreme to me... especially when they dipped them into the Honey Mustard sauce. I don't know what shocks me more: the fact that Hayden has always had pure uncut evil living in his hair or that Showtime dared to air the murderous rampage in it's entirety.

In lieu of flowers, Mama Celeste and Papa John request garlic. *shrugs shoulders* I know, it's weird, but Enzo was their only son so let's indulge them.

So, did you make it through all of BBAD last night? Who should we vote for America's Choice? Would it shock you to know that Enzo Toe Nuggets are naturally fragrant with oregano? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!