Flip Flop, You Don't Stop

It is customary in Eastern cultures to bow before one's elders as a symbol of respect. With age comes wisdom. Wisdom you cannot learn in books or find on the interwebs. Wisdom that only experience and years of subjugation to this thing we call life can reward. In a society obsessed with youth, fillers, faces as pliable as marble and One Direction, it is refreshing to see 21 year old twits pay their dues now and again. And if those dues include a blindside that'll send a mentally imbalanced wide-eyed Texan gal to a padded cell, then all the better! Let's recap, shall we?

Let us pray. Actually, let's not and say we did, Father God. In Jesus name we pray that Howard will lose his Bible and turn to the horned goat demon for guidance.

After prayer time is over, Howard ventures outside to join Spencer and Jeremy on the couch. The game talk has already begun and the topic of the day is Bouffant (David). Spencer, still an active member of The Moving Company at this point, talks about how MC (McRae) might want to get rid of Bouffant this week instead of Elvira (Elissa) because Bouffant is a strong player. Jeremy, who is a member of The Moving Company and a member of the Lovers Alliance, nods and says that it might not be a bad idea. The only problem is he shot himself in the foot yesterday when he went off on Elvira over Gisele Bundchen. The boys decide that a daily morning meeting outside before everybody wakes up is a good idea from here on out.

The conversation then turns to love. Ah, young love! Or what Jeremy likes to call a "Mouth Hug", You see, Jeremy and Eyebrows (Kaitlin) did a little fumbling under the covers the night before and Spencer happened to hear the whole thing. Unfortunately for Jeremy, he went to bed without his Mouth Hug but with a large Man Meat instead. Eww.

After some good natured pats on the back and chuckles, Spencer grows serious again and suggests that they go after Amanda next week. Jeremy enthusiastically agrees and labels Amanda a "shit stirrer". Spencer adds that Nick wants her out too, but they need to be careful with Nick. Not only is he smart, but he's a schemer. The fact that he disappears for 3/4's of the day doing god knows what doesn't sit well with Spencer.

Eventually, Bouffant wipes the hair and sleep out of his eyes and joins the rest of the bros outside. The game conversation they were having switches to how shocked they are over Bouffant being the MVP's nomination. Bouffant replies, "I know, dudes. Someone must be conspiring against me." He looks his bros up and down with a suspicious glint in his eye. Spencer shakes his head and says, "I've never heard anyone talk about getting rid of you." Jeremy nods excitedly, "Me either brah."

Inside, tiny feather Helen is giving Elvira advice on how she should approach this next crucial week. It goes something like this... "Don't talk to ANYBODY. Don't say anything to anyone EVER again. Sleep for the next 5 days if at all possible. You need to lay low and not get on that crazy train again." Elvira nods and wonders why people think she's crazy. She begins to open her mouth to speak, but Helen simply puts one finger up to Elvira's lips and shakes her head. "No," Helen whispers.

Meanwhile, Bouffant is upstairs trying to getting a read on MC. He has a nagging feeling that the house is all working with Elvira and his hair, I mean head, could be on the chopping block this week. MC paces nervously and assures Bouffant, "Amanda hates Elvira. If she stays in this house after I nominated her, she'll put me up." MC then asks Bouffant if he'd rather MC takes Jessie off the block this week instead of Candice. Bouffant asks, "Why don't you just take me off?" Here is where things get interesting. MC tells Bouffant that if he takes down the MVP's nomination, then the MVP gets to name the replacement. That doesn't sound right to me at all. I'm 99% sure MC is lying.

And this brings us to yoga time! I've been both dreading and pining for this. Those of you familiar with this blog know that I am all about achieving my inner zen through asanas and gin. There is nothing I would love more than to watch a yoga professional delight me with vigorous Vinyasa day in and day out. Unfortunately for me, this yoga professional happens to be a Reilly. The inner moral conflict I feel inside is a little like that war in Bosnia. There is an awful lot of bloodshed and tears.

So, what do I think of Elvira's yoga? Personally, it's not my style, but I won't begrudge her her skill level. She knows what she is doing and it is evident that she has trained for several years, but she teaches like she is saying the same script over and over again. She's Sadie Nardini meets Jillian Michaels rather than Shiva Rea meets Clara Roberts-Oss. I did enjoy watching it though and I became very upset when my yoga cam would switch to another conversation. Dare I say I'd like to see more? Yoga is the most likable part of Elvira.

Back inside the house, the HG's have begun to play with the Photo Booth. At first I wasn't sure what purpose it would serve other than to drive the fans to CBS.com to see the photos. But then Jessie decided to have a secret meeting with Aaryn inside the booth and all hell all broke loose. Allow me to backtrack if you will...

Earlier, Bouffant told Jessie that MC is going to take Candice off the block. Naturally, this made Jessie flip out into a panic attack. She immediately goes to MC and tells him that Bouffant told her Candice was coming off the block. Bouffant then finds out that Jessie went to MC and promptly gets pissed off. So now Jessie is all freaked out that Bouffant is mad at her.

Frantic and in a tizzy, Jessie yanks Aaryn into the Photo Booth and confides in her that she thinks Bouffant is angry with her. THEN, Jeremy walks by and sees the two girls whispering to each other. Big bohunk Jeremy is immediately disturbed by seeing the two ladies talking so, naturally, he assumes that they've been life long friends. He immediately scurries to Bouffant to tell him his new theories on the game and how people must know each other outside the house. Bouffant, who can't keep a secret to save his life, then relays the information back to Aaryn. *exhale*

Whew! If you're still with me, you might want to grab yourself some Lithium because this brings us to yet another 18 hour conversation with Aaryn. All aboard the train to Crazy Town! Upon hearing that Jeremy thinks that Aaryn and Jessie are life long friends, Aaryn whirls and twirls into one long monotone sentence about how she can't trust Jeremy anymore. And if she can't trust Jeremy, then how can she trust Bouffant? Without trust, their relationship is merely a ruse. Why did Bouffant talk to Jeremy in the first place? Aaryn told him to stop talking and thinking yesterday. If he can't obey her simple instructions, then what hope do they have 35 years down the road? What hope does anyone have? Love, companionship, respect and all the rest of it will cease to exist as we know it. And Bouffant, do you know how stupid you'll look watching these episodes back at home? Do you even know how being on the block works? And why are you looking at me through vacant eyes? I told you not to think but I think you're thinking about other things and I need you to think about the game, but don't think about the game! Do you hear me?! Fine! FINE! I'LL PLAY BY MYSELF AND I WON'T HAVE ANYBODY. I COULD HAVE BEEN THE CUTE LOVABLE ONE AND YOU DESTROYED IT! DESTROYED!!!! ARE YOU THINKING AGAIN?! I TOLD YOU TO STOP! GAHHH!!!!! And then her head rolled off into the corner and got tangled up in Ginamarie's hair extensions.

Outside in the backyard, we find Spencer and Amanda in the hammock together. As an Amanda fan, I'm always wary of Spencer and a little nervous when Amanda speaks to him. Amanda has her good points, but she also likes to share information with too many people at the same time. After this morning's conversation amongst the boys, I'm nervous about Amanda telling Spencer too much. But, BUT, it appears as if Spencer has been doing some thinking throughout the day and he has had a change of heart. The two begin to discuss Elvira and they realize that they're both on the same page. They like the idea of getting rid of Bouffant, but they are incredibly wary of having Elvira in their orbit. On the other hand, if Elvira keeps winning MVP, it would serve them both well to have her on their side. Spencer pitches to Amanda that they nurture Elvira and keep her close. Amanda is up for it, but the "wild card" part of Elvira scares her a little bit. Honey, it scares us all.

And then it dawns on Amanda... what if they have an Old People alliance and the older people pick off Bieber Fever (the younger people) one by one? Together they wonder if they have the votes to get rid of Bouffant. Candice and J-U-DD are question marks at this point, but Spencer is confident he can bring Jazz Hands Andy into the fold. Apparently, Andy follows Spencer around all day long and is just itching to talk game with him. Spencer then asks Amanda what she thinks of Andy. Amanda likes him and thinks that he could be trustworthy. And there it is, a new plan! A plan that, for the most part, dissolves The Moving Company only no one in The Moving Company knows about it but Spencer.

Part 2 of the plan, obviously, is to let Elvira know that they're going to save her. One would think this would be an easy task. One would think all you'd have to say is, "You're safe" and Elvira would fall into line. Well, one hasn't tried to have a conversation with Elvira. She's a strange one, that Reilly. It's like there are a few wires crossed. She wants to be liked. She wants to be accepted, but at the same time she wants to stab everyone in the heart with a foam roller and do Downward Dogs in their blood and guts.

The conversation begins with Amanda telling Elvira that she thinks she has the votes to save her. She asks Elvira whom she would target were she to stay in the game. Elvira replies, "Ummm the stroonnng boyzzzz." She doesn't just say words, she molests them. Amanda then makes her pitch by telling Elvira that it appears as if all of her problems in the house stem from her interactions with the younger people. BUT, if Elvira sticks with the older people and promises not to go crazy anymore, then she has a really good chance of staying in the house for a while. Elvira nods not saying much which visibly bothers Amanda. Amanda then asks Elvira if she'll swear to be loyal to the Old People Alliance. Elvira replies, "I wonnnn't swearrrr to God or anythinnnnng, but yeahhhh. Okkkkkk." I have no idea what the hell that means and neither does Amanda. It is literally like pulling teeth to get this chick to agree to having more than half the house save her ass.

Elvira says she's willing to make week to week deals, but she wants Amanda to tell everyone how bad her game is. This is a repeat thing with Elvira - her talking about her "bad game". I almost wonder if a certain red-headed hosebeast gave her that as a catchphrase to use to seem nonthreatening, "Iiiii have a rrrrrreallllyyyy baaaaaad gammmmmme. And Iiiiiiii could beeeee an extraaaaa vooooote forrrr yooooouuu." Amanda sort of ignores whatever the hell it is Elvira is trying to communicate and just wants Elvira to agree to the new plan and let that be that. Amanda is also worried that this long conversation they're having out in the open is raising eyebrows amongst the rest of the HG's in the backyard. She suggests to Elvira that they fake a fight before Amanda gets up to walk away. After about 18 minutes of debating the merits of a fake fight, Amanda finally gets up and mumbles under her breath, "Sit with your fucking self." She marches over to the couch and tells the others how annoying Elvira is.

The eventful afternoon finally winds down to dinner, chitchat and general goofing around in the backyard - particularly one moment when Elvira flips Ginamare flat on her face. But upstairs in the HOH, Amanda and Spencer are working on reeling in their last few votes to evict Bouffant. It turns out that Andy is thrilled to be a member of any alliance that will have him. J-U-DD agrees to join in as well, but the problem with J-U-DD is that he is a bit of a space cadet. This one is definitely the house idiot and it makes Spencer incredibly nervous whenever J-U-DD is out and about matriculating in society.

For now, they are all going to keep Candice out of the loop. She is too loud and obnoxious for them to clue her in that she and Elvira are safe this week. The decision is made to let Spencer approach her at the 11th hour and make it seem like it is a last minute decision that will benefit her in the game.

Helen is also easily reeled in as she is the only one who has been in Elvira's corner since the beginning. Howard, too, is onboard as is MC. Nick, they all decide, is too weird and suspicious to bring in so they'll let him think The Moving Company still exists.

So, here's where that brings us to today. The Older People Alliance consists of Amanda, Spencer, MC, Elvira, Helen, Howard, J-U-DD and Andy with Candice being a last minute member. Bieber Fever consists of Jeremy, Eyebrows, Bouffant, Aaryn, Jessie, Ginamarie and possibly Nick. If everything stays according to plan (which it won't because today is only Saturday), the vote will be close and Elvira should be safe. Aaryn will go insane and Wednesday night feeds will be awesome. Woohoo!

So, what do you think of these new alliances? How do you feel about Elvira staying in the game this week? Will J-U-DD screw it all up and tip off Bouffant? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Bizarre Love Triangle

Glassy eyed and heavily buzzed we stare blankly at the rectangular glowing light in the darkness. Haphazard pillows tossed this way and that. Face cream slathered on as a bra hangs limply on the doorknob. 8 minutes. 6 minutes. Refresh. Refresh. Tell the virgins to calm down. Regret the fact that you drank as much as you did in "celebration". Must. Stay. Awake. 2 minutes. 1 minute. Refresh. Goddammit Refresh!

And voila! Blackness. A black hole from whence no light can escape. A black hole vacuum sucking up my patience, my dignity, and, most importantly, my buzz. After a very loud and determined Twitter temper tantrum, fans assisted fans in a "Hands Across America" kind of a way. Click the tiny clue, set it to a time only west coasters can relate to, clear your cache, sacrifice a virgin, dance around the fire clutching a clucking chicken, when he tells you the password, refresh and VOILA!

The Feeds sprang to life and we all exhaled. Downstairs in the bathroom, most of the womenfolk were busy getting makeovers by Ginamarie, GM for short, for an upcoming fashion show/pageant. Upstairs, a sad frightened lass clutched a pillow and looked forlornly into the distance. Jessie, my early call as the season crier and most likely to have a nervous breakdown, has even astounded yours truly with my scarily accurate skills of clairvoyance. As it turns out not only has Jessie been nominated for eviction along with Candice, but she is caught up in a bizarre love triangle and finds herself repeating words, comforting squishy words and mantras, over and over again in her head... I feel fine and I feel good. I feel like I never should. Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say. Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday...

As far as the others go, we begin to get a brief glimpse into what their house roles might be. Judd, as it turns out, is just as hard to understand in person as he is in interviews. Inexplicably he wears sunglasses indoors while Amanda, the house comedienne, jokingly asks him, "What the fuck did you just say?" Jazz Hands Andy flits hither and thither in matching neon pink pants and shorts while Aaryn announces over and over that she's ready to be a Playboy Model.

Slowly we begin to get some game insight and are able to catch up with what's gone down over the past 5 days. With a chance to finally be alone, Howard and Nick sit in the HOH room intensely discussing the upcoming MVP twist. Here is what we know so far: Nick, Howard, Spencer, McRae and Jeremy are in an all boys alliance called The Moving Company. Do they strap things on their backs and break the knobs off of your one of a kind dressers? That, I do not know. What I do know is that they want Bouffant (David) and Elvira (Elissa) out of the house as soon as possible. They're unsure where Andy's loyalty stands at this point and are equally wary of Aaryn. Apparently, Aaryn and some of the other gals (not exactly sure whom) have an alliance called The Blondtourage. I am unclear as to whether that is a name the ladies gave themselves or whether it is something Nick made up. The point is that there seems to be a battle of sexes sprinkled with crossover suballiances, but more on that later.

Back downstairs, the girls are almost ready for their big fashion show/pageant. GM has sewn extensions into everyone's head and loaned out her best clubbing dresses. There is just one last contestant who needs some final touches - including glitter on his nipples, I shit you not. It is Bouffant looking fetching in hot pink.

As the crowd begins to gather and wait impatiently in the Living Room, Aaryn sits at an empty typewriter giving Amanda an improv opportunity that Jazz Hands has somehow let escape from his twinkling fingers. As Aaryn types, Amanda begins to voice over "Dear Diary" entries. Vapid entries of a blonde girl with the vocabulary of a 10 year old. Was Amanda subtly calling Aaryn a twit or was it all in good fun? Either or, Aaryn seemed to enjoy it and so did I.

Finally, after brutal minutes of Candice saying the phrase "Gone With The Wind fabulous" over and over and over again, the fashion/show pageant begins. When Candice tells the ladies that they'll be asked a question in front of the audience, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) crosses her arms over her chest and whines about how she doesn't want to have to talk. For some reason, the rest of the girls (save Amanda who was in the audience with the fellas) accept this with no questions asked. They must already be used to this sort of bratty behavior at this point. I have no idea.

So the fashion show/pageant takes place and we discover that Helen is a delightful little pistol. She's a tiny whippet of a gal ready to be Chenbot's understudy whenever a hosting emergency arises. Naturally, she wins and is immediately dressed up like a stuffed animal.

It is when the pageant ends and the hair extensions come out that the delicious whiff of scandal begins to permeate through our screens. Eyebrows and GM are up in the HOH room and Eyebrows is just busting to talk about her recent Diary Room session. She says that the DR asked her such leading questions that she now knows how some other people in the house think of her. And by "other people", I mean Jessie. It turns out that the gals of the house all had a discussion early on about the boys they wanted to canoodle with. Aaryn and Bouffant entered itemhood quickly while Jessie laid claim to Nick leaving Jeremy wide open for Eyebrows to pounce on. The only problem is that Nick isn't interested in bumping uglies with Jessie so Jessie quickly changed her mind and confided into Eyebrows that Jeremy is now the object of her affection. The problem is that Eyebrows now likes Jeremy too. Oh the horror!

Eyebrows laments about how awful it is that Jeremy flirts with her on his own accord while sad sack Jessie gets ignored and she's on the block to boot! Waving her hands around and acting like it's the end of the world, Eyebrows tells GM it's not her fault Jeremy flirts with her. Oh no Eyebrows, it's not your fault at all. You strategically bend over in ass crack shorts as often as you can as soon a boy enters the room. You're as innocent as a daisy.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Elvira and Amanda are changing out of their pageant wear and lotioning up for the night. Elvira announces what we all suspected would happen... she tells Amanda how she really wants to say hi to all of the Rachel fans especially the "Brenchel Army". So there you have it, the sister secret is out of the bag and everybody in the house knows who she is.

Speaking of Elvira, word on the street is that she may have gotten into some spats early on with Candice and GM. The house consensus seems to be to get rid of her as soon as possible with some people suggesting that McRae backdoor her this week. Because of some sound issues on the feeds, I was able to watch a conversation between Elvira and McRae, but I was unable to listen. It is unclear at this point whether MC (McRae) and Elvira are in a secret alliance together or if MC will do the bidding of The Moving Company and try to backdoor Elvira.

And now it's time for everyone to put on some melancholy chick music and prepare yourselves to that whiny hot mess Jessie. I'm still astounded by how well I nailed this chick. I knew, I just knew, she was going to be a hotbed of emotional breakdowns. This one is a handful. A whiny handful of tears and antidepressants. Anyhow, Jessie has decided to retire early for the evening because she doesn't like everybody giving her sympathetic looks for being on the block. Nick and Andy confront her in the darkness and advise her to keep doing exactly what she's doing and lay low. Andy tells her not to "ruffle any feathers" and Jessie says she won't as long as people stop asking her how she's feeling. It makes her feel "icky".

That's a nice story and all Jessie, but that's not why she's upset. After the boys leave and Aaryn enters, Jessie confesses that she's ooey gooey for Jeremy. Jeremy once said hi to her and she just naturally assumed that they were in love, planning a wedding, going to move into a house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 kids, an herb garden and 3 cats. But tonight Jeremy was all over Eyebrows! She whines that she doesn't blame Eyebrows (she totally does). I mean, it's not Eyebrows' fault she's so pretty. Jessie just thought she and Jeremy really had something special. He once asked her to pass the salt and she swooned. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Aaryn tells Jessie that Jeremy is simply a flirt. He's just that type of guy who likes to rub girls inappropriately. It's just good old fashioned groping and nothing more than that. Jessie whines some more about all the mixed signals and the color of the peonies she ordered for the wedding. If Jeremy was flirting with her and thinking of names for their future children (that would naturally all start with J's) then how can he be snuggling with Eyebrows at the same time?! It's all so confusing for Jessie, but at the same time it is also a gift because it gives her something to obsess about and, lord knows, chicks like Jessie love to obsess.

Eventually, Aaryn leaves and Jeremy enters to have "the talk". He tells Jessie how he can't help it that all the girls are throwing themselves at him. *eyeroll* He's not even really thinking about the girls. He's focusing more on his game and can't let the girls throw him off his goal. Jessie whines that she knows Eyebrows is so pretty to which Jeremy replies, "All the girls in here are gorgeous." He assures Jessie that she is exactly the kind of girl he goes for - minus the smoking and fits of manic depression - and that just because he snuggled with Eyebrows, it doesn't mean that he likes Jessie any less.

Naturally, Jessie takes this as a proposal of marriage. She begins to sit up a little straighter and flip her hair just so. She'll try her hardest not to be bothered when Jeremy fingerbangs Eyebrows. She's just worried about what her TV edit will look like more than anything else. She doesn't want the viewing public to see her as a needy clingy leech girl (too late). The conversation ends and Jessie closes her eyes smiling to herself wondering if St. Lucia would be a cool place for a destination wedding.

And there you have it. Day 1 (kind of) in the Big Brother 15 house! I tell ya, I'm pleasantly surprised. This is a crew that's ready to play. We already have romance, jealousy, possible spats, multiple alliances, outed secrets and a future 5150 on our hands. I love it!

So, what do you guys think so far? Is there anyone you've changed your opinion about? Do you think MC and Elvira are secretly working together? Will Jessie stab Eyebrows in her sleep? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

The End Of The Affair

So, it all comes down to tonight. We've spent 10 weeks wading through the jungle of BB12 misfortune. We suffered harrowing night after night of doldrum nothingness. We watched as the love of our lives slipped through our fingers like boring tasteless tap water. I used to pine for Big Brother. I once scratched at it's door and peered through it's peephole taking pages upon pages of scrupulous detailed notes. That love affair is over now. I no longer stalk my BB12 twitter feed. I don't think I once clicked on Jokers all season long. In all honesty, I've just waited... impatiently... for today.

So here we are. Finale night. Truthfully, I'm more interested in who wins America's Choice than I am with who wins the entire season. The interesting people left too soon and the uninteresting overstayed their welcome. We're left with three morons who wax poetic all night long about the fame and fortune that'll never come. How I would love to see their faces when it hits them that all their dreaming and fantasizing was all for naught. Maybe one by one they'll read this here little blog and I can help them all come to their mushy dulled senses. I don't know. *shrugs shoulders*

I know I slacked off this past week, but, seriously, can you blame me? I'm only human. If I were some superhero with powers to repel boredom, I might have stuck it out and blogged the inane conversations taking over the house the past few days. I fear I am not that strong. I am weak and I have since found another lover. Survivor is it's name and that's where all of you lovely readers can find me every Thursday - at the Bitchy Survivor Blog. On Mondays you'll be able to enjoy my rantings over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. While Big Brother may be over, my heart, much like the Titanic, will go on. I will continue to find reality people to ridicule *shakes fist to the sky* so help me god.

I want to thank each and every one of you for checking back here daily, commenting, and generously supporting this blog. You guys make it all worthwhile. If you haven't already, please join the Bitchy Network and take part in discussions about all sorts of wonderful and ridiculous TV shows. If anything scandalous goes down in Vegas, I'll be reporting it all at the Bitchy Network. My spies are in place and gossip will be bountiful. With Ass Licker and Hyena Fuckface in a room together, sparks are bound to fly.

Thanks for the love, the hate, and the laughs. I'll see you next year to do it all over again for BB13.

Love and other indoor sports,
Colette Lala

P.S. If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season, please click on my PayPal button and show your girl some love.

Coming To A Piggly Wiggly Near YOU

Big budget movies, reality shows, The Amazing Race, bar tours, concert gigs, commercials, websites, interviews, magazines, grocery store openings, time travel... the sky's the limit for the chuckleheads left in the house. Just ask them. According to Lane, there's a multi-million dollar 200 city/42 country bar tour awaiting him and Hayden when they leave the house. You think Bon Jovi or the Rolling Stones are the only people who can conquer Rio and Tokyo? Wrong! The Brigade is gonna tear this world up! Seriously, you guys, buy your tickets NOW before they sell out.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what Hayden and Lane will actually do on these tour dates, but it's bound to be fascinating, right? I mean, maybe they'll get on stage and work out or play pool. Fingers crossed I can see Hayden brush his bangs to and fro. Is Tiger Beat still around? Get Lane's mug on the cover of that bad boy because I so want to decorate my locker with it. And, if someone can finagle some sort of Burger King Hayden & Lane action figures or fountain cups, I'd be eternally grateful.

I'm sitting here watching last night's BBAD and wondering to myself what hallucinogenics Big Brother has been slipping into the water. I'm thinking it's potent, CIA created, and probably only legal in Amsterdam. An underground laboratory at Langley was definitely involved and perhaps input from the CDC as well. If whatever Lane and Hayden are ingesting gets out to the viewing public, that show The Colony won't simply be speculation anymore. It'll be fact. Anarchy will break out, I'll be forced to make a windmill out of shutters, and I may or may not have to create gasoline out of pig parts. Advanced delusion, like I'm witnessing right now in the BB house, is what killed the dinosaurs I think.

So, Lane has won Part 2 of the HOH and Enzo is pretty much done. Hooray! Hayden and Lane have vowed to take one another to the Final 2 as neither think they can beat Enzo in the end. Enzo knows what the dilly-o is so he's decided to sit in a corner by himself and pout all night long. He doesn't even want "Wifey" and the baby to come to the finale anymore. He prefers to sit in solitude with his thoughts and bitch and moan about how he fucked up his "golden opportunity" to win half a million dollars. He blew his one and only chance for his family to have a better life and the future is looking remarkably bleak right about now. His wife will have to continue to work in a sweltering factory where bathroom breaks are forbidden, Baby Gia will be forced to carry a kerchief on the end of a long stick and steal canned foods from passing trains, and Enzo will have to work 19 minimum wage jobs flipping burgers. It's all very very sad. Apparently losing Big Brother is the end of the road for Enzo. I have no idea how he managed to exist and survive before BB12 came along, but whatever worked for him before won't work anymore and now his life is over. *tear* Gia will probably end up addicted to the heroin and turning tricks in the back of blacked out vans - all because her daddy lost Big Brother.

While Enzo spent his evening with his head in the oven, Lane & Hayden sat outside in their misspelled Brigade t-shirts planning their futures. Exciting stuff, let me tell ya. Why anyone anywhere would pay anything to see these two idiots is beyond me. Do yourselves a favor and save your money. Take the money you'd spend on a Brigade t-shirt and get yourself a few months of NetFlix. Invest the money you'd spend on gas driving to Steamboat and treat yourself to a Blu-Ray DVD player. Hell, go ahead and buy an 8 track or some VHS tapes. Anything would be wiser than giving these two yahoos your cash.

Aaaaand, that's pretty much all I got for today. Nothing happened and nothing will happen from here on out. My weekend is jam packed (thank god!) so there won't be any blogs until at least Monday. So, what did you guys think of Part 2 last night? Did it shock you Enzo only stayed on that swing for 25 minutes in Part 1? Out of all the people in BB12, who do you think has the best chance of getting on The Amazing Race? How long do you suppose Rachel spends rehearsing one-liners? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Wednesday Bloody Wednesday

The night began with a buzz and a simple "What does this do, yo?" It was Enzo in the bathroom playing with a new razor and inadvertantly sealing his own fate. You know that phrase Gandhi said "Desperate times call for desperate measures"? Well, desperation took over the Big Brother house last night and audiences everywhere were subjected to a night so bloody that Bono is penning lyrics about it as we speak. Yes, my dear readers, Enzo has breathed his last breath and "Yo'd" his last Yo. Never has Big Brother After Dark been so violent so it is with great sensitivity and painstaking care that I recap for you the last moments of one Mr. Enzo Palumbo's life. Let's recap, shall we?

Hayden has won HOH and the Brigade has accomplished everything it's set out to do: bore and annoy BB fans everywhere to the point of just not caring anymore. We can't even be bothered to get angry. When the news hit that BB13 has already been ordered we all just kind of yawned, stretched, and said, "Really? Oh ok." and then we went back to napping. The only thing that makes us want to get out of bed and maybe brush our teeth for the day is the fact that America's Choice for favorite player is still in our hands. Now, I'd love more than anything else for Kristen to win, but I'm a realist (sometimes) and it's bone hard medical fact that she left the game way too early to win AC. I could mobilize my infantry units and demand everyone vote for her, but I fear it just won't be enough. Dick and Jane America watching only the CBS shows don't read this blog and, while they're lives are severely lacking because of it, there's no way they'll vote Kristen for AC. She left too soon and Dick & Jane just don't take their Gingko Biloba like they used to. So, where does that leave the Bitchy Big Brother Blog? I'm torn as to whether or not to endorse Ragan or Britney. I like them both, but I want to be sure to pick the one who has the best chance of winning. Had America not chosen Ragan for Saboteur, I'd go ahead and recommend you give your vote to Britney, but I just don't know. What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments and we'll collectively vote as a group for that one person. Let's do everything we can to make sure Enzo does NOT win America's Choice.

OK so back in the house the mood is a pleasant one. Hayden is peering through the mop on his head and fiddling with the HOH key around his neck while Lane is off somewhere... breathing. Only Enzo appears to be jittery and full of energy. He sits in the bathroom alone and attempts to take care of a little manscaping for the big live show tonight. Big Brother has graciously given the HG's a shiny new sharp razor and Enzo is busy trying to figure out how to turn it on. He plugged it in, but for some reason the damn thing just won't buzz. He hollers for Hayden and Lane to come help him, but they just sigh and continue practicing being comatose. Enzo shouts, "Yo, help me with this razor, yo!" Hayden and Lane look at each other with raised eyebrows. "Did he just say razor?", Lane asks. "Yeah dude.", Hayden replies. Slow smiles creep across their faces as they rise and prepare to help their good buddy figure out the razor... yo.

Hayden and Lane enter the bathroom area to find Enzo seated and shaking the electric razor up and down. Hayden gently puts one hand on Enzo's shoulder and whispers, "Here, let me help you with that." It quickly becomes apparent to Hayden that Enzo has simply forgotten to flip the power switch in the "On" position. He shares his discovery with the group and they all throatily giggle together. Enzo smiles, "Thanks, yo." Pointing to the back of his head, he asks, "Would you mind trimming up this part back here, yo?" Hayden answers, "Sure buddy." He looks to Lane, winks mischievously, and beckons him over with one finger. Hayden says, "Let Lane hold your head still. I want to make sure to trim a straight line." Enzo sits in the chair while Lane straddles him and grips Enzo's bristly head with his two meaty paws. It was a little awkward at first, but Enzo trusted his buddies so he didn't give Lane's hot breath in his face a second thought.

Razor in hand Hayden kisses the HOH key around his neck, looks up to the camera to mouth the words, "I'm sorry", and with great precision he proceeds to slice off Enzo's ear. Lane holds the screaming Eye-talian still while Hayden takes the severed ear and begins to eat it. Enzo struggles and shrieks, "What the hell are you doing yo?!" Hayden smiles a no lipped bloody smile and replies, "Making sure I win $500,000 yo." Now, Hayden and Lane aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, but they know their odds of winning greatly increase with Enzo safely out of the picture. As Hayden is kind of a pussy boy who'll only begrudgingly make decisions when he absolutely has to, it's just easier for him if Enzo were to, oh I don't know, suddenly disappear. Having to choose on live TV on finale night between his two buddies makes Hayden feel all oogy inside and if there's one thing Hayden hates, it's feeling oogy.

As far as Lane is concerned, well, he just loves the violence. Sure, he may not win the 500K, but with Enzo gone he's guaranteed at least 50K and that's good enough for him. Seeing Hayden chomp away on Enzo's floppy ear gives Lane an idea. He takes the razor from Hayden and begins to work it back and forth over each one of Enzo's fingers. Hayden leaps and dances like a monkey boy in the background while Lane stuffs the fingers one by one into Enzo's giant trap. "That's for eating with your mouth open!", Lane declares. Hayden giggles and takes the razor back from Lane. He shaves Enzo's head bare and laughs heartily when the teeny tiny hairplugs from the Jeremy Piven Collection began to leap out of Enzo's skull.

The bloodied torture continued into the wee hours of the morn and, let me just say, it was Amityville, Silence Of The Lambs, and the poodle scene from Interview With The Vampire all rolled up into one. Removing Enzo's nipples with a sharpened wooden spoon was bad enough, but did Hayden and Lane really have to eat Enzo Toe Nuggets for dessert? As a pacifist that just seemed a little extreme to me... especially when they dipped them into the Honey Mustard sauce. I don't know what shocks me more: the fact that Hayden has always had pure uncut evil living in his hair or that Showtime dared to air the murderous rampage in it's entirety.

In lieu of flowers, Mama Celeste and Papa John request garlic. *shrugs shoulders* I know, it's weird, but Enzo was their only son so let's indulge them.

So, did you make it through all of BBAD last night? Who should we vote for America's Choice? Would it shock you to know that Enzo Toe Nuggets are naturally fragrant with oregano? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Welcome To The Club Enzo!

Occasionally, I like to pick people for the pledge class of the Worst People On The Planet Club. I feel it's my moral duty to sweep these miscreants away so they can no longer do anymore harm to this beautiful place I like to call Earth. It's a very Michael Jackson This Is It thing I do where I like to dance and sing about pretty rain forests as well as scream and grab my crotch over the bulldozers ruining them. Now, I'm not perfect (although I'm damn close), but I know the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, delightful and crazy, and sweet and sour. Some current members of the Worst People On The Planet Club are Ass Licker, Rachel Reilly, Teresa Giudice, Alison Grodner, Joran Van Der Sloot, Michael Vick, Spencer Pratt, Tila Tequila, and whomever is currently beating me at Words With Friends (yes, I hate you all). It's important to call out these people for their wrongdoings and make examples of them. If I had things my way I'd chain these vile creatures to a fence and then unleash a bunch of rabid dogs and raccoons and let the bloodbath begin, but, as that's probably not legal and a total bitch to clean up, I'll just stick to naming names in this here little blog.

I spent yesterday down in my laboratory mixing all sorts of fascinating chemicals together and I think I've come up with the newest member of the Worst People On The Planet Club. He's an open mouth eater, a highfalutin talker, a butcher of the English language, and an utterer of homophobic slurs. Enzo Palumbo, welcome to the club! You'll find your membership card, some rusty nails, and a high powered staple gun in your orientation packet. Please put the card in your wallet, jam the rusty nails up your nose, and then at your earliest convenience begin to staple yourself in your most sensitive of areas. In a few days Sepsis should set in and then you'll no longer be a problem to the universe.

If you're unsure as to why you've been given this honor, allow me to outline it for you.

#1 You eat like a fucking pig. You're a 30-something year old father and when you eat anything from slop to beef jerky, precious woodland creatures seek shelter in nearby forests in order to escape the excruciatingly painful noises your mouth produces. You have an uncanny ability to smack a tiny piece of food into a slishy sloshy dance of putrid vileness. You should know that feedsters find your eating habits to be so objectionable that they automatically mute or change the channel whenever you're within 10 yards of the kitchen. I don't know if Dr. Drew has a facility for people like you, but please, I beg of you, go somewhere and seek help for your disgusting habit. My sympathy goes out to your poor wife who has to deal with this on a daily basis. Do all the restaurants in New Jersey have a photo of you in the window and a sign underneath it that reads, "DO NOT SERVE THIS MAN"? You're like a monkey in a zoo - the public shouldn't be allowed to feed you.

#2 You will never be famous. You chose to go on a summer reality show where you're every move (repulsive and offensive) is monitored and analyzed. Not one person has been able to parlay this experience into a career of monumental fame and fortune. If you're lucky, you'll get to do porn and maybe write a blog giving your opinion on future seasons. You'll have a few months where you can attend a charity gig or two, put some of your shit on eBay, and then maybe fly to Seattle to do a dimly lit basement interview with Chelsia. Other than that, you'll be a distant memory to the general CBS viewing public. Sure, the nutty overzealous fans who live for this shit will tweet you constantly and beg you to follow them, but James Cameron isn't going to be calling you anytime soon and Scorsese does not want your input on his new HBO series. No one will buy your silly catch phrase t-shirts (just ask Captain Kosher how his sales are going) and your bar tour will only happen if the 3 or 4 desperate BB hangers-on fans fund it by driving you everywhere themselves.

Big Brother is simply a wonderful and unique experience that you were lucky to be a part of. Only the very likable and charismatic (Jeff, Kevin, Lydia, Janelle, Will, and probably Kristen and Ragan) are able to supplement their incomes with BB side projects that are worthwhile (Sorry, but porn doesn't count Ass Licker). If you can give awareness to some charities, great! Just remember that "Enzo Palumbo" is not a charity. There are far more important causes and/or talented people more deserving of dollars than you. Raise your daughter, be a good father, and learn how to chew with your mouth closed - that's my advice for a successful future.

#3 You are a homophobic asshole. When you're sitting around making idle chitchat and you wonder where Ragan might be, saying he's off somewhere sticking a bottle up his ass simply because he's gay might not be the most intelligent of remarks. In fact it's insulting, childish, and offensive. The shit you say isn't funny and I've noticed that in the house those off color remarks are almost always met with silence. Even Lane and Hayden (not the brightest bulbs in the tanning bed) know that your comments are questionable. Ragan is ten times the man you'll ever be Enzo. He's funnier, smarter, and has more charisma in his pinky toe than you do in your entire body. I don't know if your comments stem from pure hatred or are simply lame attempts at being funny. Either way, they're unappreciated and you've managed to piss off a whole slew of BB fans. Well done.

#4 You suck, yo. For almost 90 days now, I've watched you let other people take risks and do the dirty work for you. You've spent countless hours talking and wishing and hoping that you'll win something yet you never exerted the effort to make it happen. You threw comps, avoided confrontation, and idly sat by while others figured out strategy and made power moves. When it finally came time for you to actually apply yourself and try to win something, feedsters were forced to listen to you make profound statements like "We need to win this yo" and "I can feel it. This HOH is ours yo." You're the only person I know to have a negative effect on the Law of Attraction. It's like in Dead Poets Society when Robin Williams tells that one kid he's the only person to get a negative score on the Pritchard Scale. It's as if the more you talked, the more the universe turned it's head and said, "No, thank you."

#5 You got lucky and I'm damn mad about it. It kills me that you managed to get as far as you did. Worse still, CBS is giving you a decent edit and America's Favorite still isn't out of the question. These facts coupled with my own bitterness over having to stomach you for the past 10 weeks has made me very very angry. If you walk away with any of the prize money, I'm locking myself in my basement and shoving bamboo shoots under my nails. It'll be like that time when Keesha won the $25,000. I still haven't recovered from the self-inflicted appendicitis. I thought bleach and Pepto-Bismol would do the trick. All it did was give me cramps and make my pee a pretty neon pink color. When undeserving people like you and Bristol Palin get rewarded with fat checks, I become a danger to myself and society and no one, not even my precious white doggie is safe. I dyed her black as a symbol of my mourning for BB12 and she's staining my sheets now. My legs are covered in black streaks and I look like a swamp person. Thanks Enzo, thanks.

Well, I heard somewhere that the Feeds are going to be down for a while due to tomorrow's eviction. That means no blog tomorrow and a big naughty party at my place. If you guys can bring me some new sheets and some exfoliating mitts, I'd be very appreciative. The theme of this party is going to be Sons Of Anarchy in honor of the premiere tonight so bring your leather and your tattoo guns. I plan of marking each and every one of you with a "LALA WAS HERE" tat by the end of the night.

So, how much will you hate your lives if Enzo wins anything whatsoever? After Britney leaves, who do you want to win the entire season? If I drink Raid mixed with Febreze on finale night, will my senses be dulled enough to stomach the presentation of the check? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

If you've enjoyed what I've done here this season (the blood, sweat, and tears), please click on my PayPal button and show your girl some love. Thanks bitches!

Send In The Clowns

Throughout history there have been many important influential groups of people. Scientists, doctors, artists, peacemakers, designers, numerologists, television producers... people who made this world what it is today. Since nature and the cosmos and all that crap is about balance, with the good must come the bad. The flipside of the aforementioned great and inconolastic people would be the members of the buffoon category. Merriam Webster defines buffoon as "a gross and usually ill-educated or stupid person". Buffoons are the court jesters of our time. They exist solely for our amusement. They're not like comedians or talented circus performers delighting audiences with flights of fancy. No, they're more like the one-eyed freak with a limp who rubs feces all over himself and sings 'Row Row Row Your Boat' to no one in particular. You point and laugh at them, but there's like no way you're hanging out and renting Huit Femmes together. Buffoons can actually live very happy and contented lives... only because they really don't know any better. They have no idea the world laughs at them and, in their case, ignorance is definitely bliss. Once in a while it's fun to come across a buffoon and get a few giggles in, but to be stuck watching one for hours and hours and hours on end... ummm nuh uh. Not a good time at all. You know what's even worse? Three buffoons in one house together for almost 90 days. Oy vey. Lord help us all. Let's recap, shall we?

OK so Hayden is HOH and he's chosen to nominate Lane and Britney for eviction. No surprises there. Hayden can win against any of these fools, but it's Enzo that he has a special love for. The POV is the only hope Britney has at this point. She can remove herself from the block, Enzo goes up, and then is sent home with Britney being the sole vote. *sigh* It's a pretty fairy dusted fantasy, isn't it? Sprites would come out to play, pipe smoking garden gnomes would shatter their ceramic exteriors and dance jaunty jigs, and tiny little puppies would leap out of rivers and mangle 16 yr old Bosnian girls to death. The world would finally make sense and empty apologies from Annie might actually mean something.

Alas, a marshmallow world with rainbows darting across the sky and rivers made of chocolate just wasn't meant to be I guess. Hayden has won the POV and I weep thick salty tears for all that could have been. I'm depressed now. I'm Sylvia Plath stuck in the Bell Jar depressed. I'm Anne Sexton, Susanna Kaysen, and The Cure all wrapped up into one ball of dark and brooding nothingness. I'm going to wear lots of black eyeliner, go days without washing my hair, and maybe carve unintelligible symbols into my arms and legs. I don't think Prozac or Zoloft are going to bring me out of this funk. I'm thinking more along the lines of Halcion, Thorazine, and whatever that drug was that killed Nick Drake. Out of depression always come mania which means I'll probably start buying a whole bunch of shit I don't need like knick knacks from yard sales and floppy straw hats. I'll carelessly sleep around with people I picked up at the Home Depot purely out of boredom. After all the reckless shenanigans I'll get myself into - like shaving the neighbors dog and putting ratty purple extensions in my hair - I'll take a Ritalin or maybe a Focalin and begin the organizational phase of my madness. I'll inventory my paper clips and cotton balls, ziploc baggy each and every pair of socks, and maybe keep a detailed journal of all the buttons I own. *sigh* It's exhausting just thinking about all the planning that goes into having a proper breakdown. Eh, who am I kidding? I'll probably just write nasty blogs and crawl into bed to watch my Sons Of Anarchy DVD's. I'm too lazy to have a honest to goodness psychological breakdown over BB12.

Hayden's big hairy plan is to keep the nominations the same, but first he wants to tell Britney all about the Bra-gade. Hayden thinks it'll impress her and put her at ease about going home the week before the finale. Enzo and Lane smile and nod thinking it's the best idea ever in the history of ideas - it's even better than meatballs and Right Guard. Of course Britney will be in awe over their genius. Why, I'm sure she'll name her first child "Bra-gade" and teach him to not only eat with his mouth open, but to also never cut his bangs and beat up people whenever the urge strikes. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Britney will thank them and make pretty rings of posies to place atop their giant meaty heads. She'll don a flowy chiffon gown and skip around the background throwing rose petals here and there in celebration. She'll dance and twirl amongst waterfalls and swaying trees, butterflies will flutter about her smiling face, frogs will turn into princes, and we'll all live happily after ever. Yup, that's exactly what's gonna happen.

Britney leaves the DR and heads up to the HOH where the Bra-gade has strategically seated themselves about the room. They want Britney to sit on the bed for maximum impact. They must think that being a girl she'll need a pillow to cuddle with or something. She falls into their trap and lies down on the bed only to be greeted with an uncomfortable silence. Enzo makes nervous chitchat and Lane focuses really hard on his fingernails. Hayden runs to the bathroom to look for his brush and change his clothes. He knows this conversation will make the CBS show and he wants to be ready. Britney rests her head in her hand and picks at her fingernail polish while the cowardly lions fidget with whatever is within arm's reach. Seriously, I'm watching this right now on my DVR and if this was a movie it would be called "How To Be A Pussy And Never Influence People".

Enzo finally breaks the ice and asks, "Who do you think has played the best game in Big Brother?" Britney says it depends on the season. Each season required a different sort of game play. Lane asks, "Um who do you think played the best game for this season?" Initially Britney doesn't answer and then she says that Hayden has played the best competitively and socially. This back and forth exchange of inconsequential silly questions continues while Enzo plays with a corkscrew. He won't look Britney in the eye so he laughs and says, "Uh who were you in an alliance with Lane? I know who I was in an alliance with. I was in an alliance with a few people." Lane wiggles around in his chair and giggles... "Uh I don't know bro, who were you in an alliance with?" Enzo replies and chuckles, "I don't know yo. I was definitely in an alliance with someone." Seriously, it's the most ridiculous exchange of cowardice I've ever seen. They're being flippant and silly doing the whole wink wink nudge nudge thing while Britney lies there probably wondering what the hell they've been smoking. It's Romper Room and Yo Gabba Gabba, not Big Brother. Had a sippy cup entered the picture, I wouldn't have been surprised.

Finally, Enzo says, "It was Hayden, Lane, and Matty since Day 2. We named it and gave ourselves nicknames." Britney picks at a piece of peeling nail polish and says, "What was it called?" Enzo replies, "The Brigade yo!" and then bursts into a fit of giggles. Lane interjects, "No GB's for the BG's! No goodbyes for the Brigade." Britney shrugs her shoulders, wishes she had a nail file, and says, "Well, the Brigade fucked Matty up." Enzo tells her they had to because Matty was "The Brains". He squeezes the corkscrew a few more times and says, "This is history yo. Personally, for me, I think it's greatness." Britney raises an eyebrow and an awkward silence fills the room. Enzo extracts more brain power from the corkscrew and goes on to try to explain why the Brigade is better than Benjamin Franklin, Madame Curie, and Jonas Salk combined. He's sure statues will be erected in his honor - maybe something like Rocky on the steps to the Philadelphia Art Museum or that giant grotesque eyeball in Chicago.

Enzo continues to try to convince Britney that the Brigade is groundbreaking and she just kind of lies there and picks her teeth. Britney, this is why I love you. Those knuckleheads thought you'd drop your jaw and either cry or get down on your knees and worship them. Instead, you sat there and wondered if you had enough nail polish to get you through to Thursday. Thank you Britney, thank you. I'm sending you a fruit basket and the entire Fall line from O.P.I. as soon as you get out.

When I woke up in the middle of the night last night and saw Twitter blowing up over everyone freaking out about the big Brigade revelation I thought, "Oh shit... this is gonna be off the hook!" In reality, it was the most uneventful and mortifying (for Enzo and Lane) scene I've ever wtinessed. They might as well have told Britney that it might be cloudy tomorrow. I swear to god, she could care less! She tells them no one will really be shocked and that it was kind of obvious they were all working together. Enzo, prepare yourself for a similar reaction when you leave the house. America will not love you. America will not quote you. We'll quickly forget about you and thank our lucky stars that we never have to listen to your Jersey nonsense ever again. My only regret is that you're not around to see the hate you're getting right this second. Enzo, precious, people hate you now more than Rachel. Can you even compute how monumental that is? Rachel was enemy #1 for about 6 weeks. You've singelhandedly managed to undo all the hate and hellfire she spewed and, in turn, you've covered yourself with it.

I also hear that Enzo has been hurling homophobic slurs about Ragan. Now, I haven't witnessed it myself, but I promise I'll look into it and maybe dedicate an entire blog post to it. This next week will be a big bore fest and I'll need something to write about so, Enzo, I'm coming for you buddy.

So, how lackluster was that revelation? Was Britney's nonreaction priceless or what? Can we somehow send Enzo back to Italy when he gets out of the house? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

UPDATE: Right after I posted this, I see that Britney finally broke down and cried. I blame the relentless effort to try to impress her with the knowledge of the Brigade. Had they just told her and let it go it wouldn't have been a big deal. Instead they kept pushing and pushing and pushing trying to get the reaction they wanted out of her which was not only cruel but unnecessary. Team Britney!