Thursday, July 5, 2012
Ashley: Poison Apple
The gong has dung it's dong and all of our bright eyed bushy tailed players lunge with that nervous anxiety at the starting line. The old crusty bats in the belfry have awakened from their slumber and now they flutter with promise, with hope, with a tinkle in their hearts and chirps on the wind. Bats chirp, right? *shrugs shoulders* Whatevs. Let's meet some Houseguests, shall we?
First up is Ashley Iocco. Ashley is a 26 year old Oompah Loompah creator with burnt siena hands and suspiciously dark knees and elbows. She hails from the great state of Pennsylvania and in her spare time likes to create dream boards and do yoga. Shut up all of youse. Just shut up right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a decoupage collage of far off lands on the wall and a copy of the Patanjali Yoga Sutras on your nightstand. (My most ardent readers know I'm cuckoo for Yoga Puffs).
She cites Jeff as her most favorite Houseguest and.... wait a tic, hold up. Jeff?! Oh hell no. Alright, I take it back. Mock this bitch's vision boards and sun saluting ass else until the end of time. Jeff! Pfft!
Even though I've already completely lost interest, let's watch Ashley's video and get to know her better. Please to enjoy:
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to... IS SHE FOR REAL? Is this muppet mouthed freak for real?!? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Jeff fan. *pounds gavel* I rest my case.
Snow Assley doesn't want to lie or cheat until the very end of the game. The very end... when the rest of the dwarves have marched off into the distance and all that's left in the house are empty bottles of shampoo and some crumbs on the counter top. Timely she isn't, innocent she is. Innocent and dingbatty. This one talks to the fairies for real. The fumes of her herky jerky tanning jalopy mixed with bronzer have fried lovely Ashley's brain and I'm not anticipating anything noteworthy at all from this chick.
Her intentions are good, but she's more likely to stick chess pieces in her ears rather than play a game with them. You could have a giant jug of Ricin sitting next to a delicious red apple on the kitchen table and this bitch will cry, "Oh yummy!" and take a bite. The others will catch on quickly and she'll be a pawn. Although, she could stick around for a while and not play her way through the game a la Jordan. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? What say you bitches? Does Ashley make your nipples hard or are you not impressed?
Posted by Colette Lala at 1:12 PM