Thursday, July 5, 2012

Ashley: Poison Apple

The gong has dung it's dong and all of our bright eyed bushy tailed players lunge with that nervous anxiety at the starting line. The old crusty bats in the belfry have awakened from their slumber and now they flutter with promise, with hope, with a tinkle in their hearts and chirps on the wind. Bats chirp, right? *shrugs shoulders* Whatevs. Let's meet some Houseguests, shall we?

First up is Ashley Iocco. Ashley is a 26 year old Oompah Loompah creator with burnt siena hands and suspiciously dark knees and elbows. She hails from the great state of Pennsylvania and in her spare time likes to create dream boards and do yoga. Shut up all of youse. Just shut up right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a decoupage collage of far off lands on the wall and a copy of the Patanjali Yoga Sutras on your nightstand. (My most ardent readers know I'm cuckoo for Yoga Puffs).

She cites Jeff as her most favorite Houseguest and.... wait a tic, hold up. Jeff?! Oh hell no. Alright, I take it back. Mock this bitch's vision boards and sun saluting ass else until the end of time. Jeff! Pfft!

Even though I've already completely lost interest, let's watch Ashley's video and get to know her better. Please to enjoy:

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to... IS SHE FOR REAL? Is this muppet mouthed freak for real?!? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Jeff fan. *pounds gavel* I rest my case.

Snow Assley doesn't want to lie or cheat until the very end of the game. The very end... when the rest of the dwarves have marched off into the distance and all that's left in the house are empty bottles of shampoo and some crumbs on the counter top. Timely she isn't, innocent she is. Innocent and dingbatty. This one talks to the fairies for real. The fumes of her herky jerky tanning jalopy mixed with bronzer have fried lovely Ashley's brain and I'm not anticipating anything noteworthy at all from this chick.

Her intentions are good, but she's more likely to stick chess pieces in her ears rather than play a game with them. You could have a giant jug of Ricin sitting next to a delicious red apple on the kitchen table and this bitch will cry, "Oh yummy!" and take a bite. The others will catch on quickly and she'll be a pawn. Although, she could stick around for a while and not play her way through the game a la Jordan. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? What say you bitches? Does Ashley make your nipples hard or are you not impressed?

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  1. Zero interest in her -- what does she bring to the game that's even remotely discussion-worthy. Next!!

  2. Nope, nein, nada. I'm not here for anymore blonde pretty princesses. I want a devious brunette or maybe a redheaded, underhanded, bombshell ala' Peyton from the WB's Savannah. Wait. Did I go too far with that reference? Maybe. But nope not here for her.

  3. She doesn't seem awful enough for me to full on loathe, but just batty enough for you to write awesome stuff about, so I'm excited. I definitely will not be a fan of hers. I kinda want to punch her.

  4. WeHo trash. Doesn't peak my interest,not even on a t&a level! :::yawn::::

  5. Oh. You. Have. GOT. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

    Now THIS broad does the know, the thing at the end...? When she talks? Her voice, like, totally goes up into a question? I hate this bitch already. But to be fair, I hate all the houseguests in the beginning for the most part. I wait for some of them to grow on me so maybe it's just me but this chick is dingbat.

    Oh, and loved the emphatic "DUH!!!!!" Very mature. I say 'duh' to be funny and act like a dork but this 20-something is still in the 'duh' phase of life I guess.




  6. Spray tan technician. Jesus fucking christ on a cracker. (I will not judge prematurely, I will not judge prematurely. [Oh fuck it, that's why I watch this show!])

    "Nipples hard" Lala? MY NIPPLES RAN AWAY IN FEAR! She's ruining my love for fables...that's too far.

    I like smart people, unless this bitch has a great second evil face hidden under all that fucked up skin I am really not going to like her. Also, what's with her slowed semi-slurring speech?

    She is fake. The interviewer really had to work to draw something out of's like she's filled with idiot fluff. I can't believe I watched that whole video. I deserve a cookie or something....maybe a drink.

  7. Snow White strategy? She's an idiot. And I agree, the upspeak thing? At the end of the sentences? Has GOT to go. She'll probably be there in the end. Sitting next to Rachel. *shudders*

  8. I don't like to hate on nice people, but she seems annoyingly nice. And she talks like a stoner.

    I like Jeff, but if you're a "superfan" who's seen every season and he's you're favorite player, it's gonna be hard to respect your gameplay.

    I can see her fitting in well socially, doing a lot of tanning in the backyard, and maybe coasting about halfway through the game because I doubt she's a physical threat.

    The only way I can see finding her very interesting is if she actually "gives love" to the rest of the house, lol.

  9. Where's the "ugh" button? Did you notice she said she's a spray tab technician without the slash even? (slash actress, slash model).... She really IS a spray tan technician....who attended college. Ugh.