Friday, June 17, 2016

Michelle: Collects Her Toenails

Next up is 23 year old Nutritionist Michelle Meyer from Washington Township, Michigan. Michelle likes to cook, read, go on Reddit, WATCH THE LIVE FEEDS, work out, and sell stuff on eBay. Weirdly, her life motto is, "Be underestimated!" The point she's trying to make is that she wants to be smarter and stronger than people expect her to be only I'm not so sure going through life acting like a weak dummy is the best way to do it. I get what she's saying. I'm just not sure it qualifies as a life motto.

First off, she raises the roof. You guys know how much I haaaaate roof raisers. If you are a roof raiser, it is not too late for you. Simply keepsyour hands down by your sides and remove this gesture from your repertoire. The whole world thanks you. Michelle strikes me as young, a little unsure of herself, and really really nerdy. She's a BIG fan of the show and has even watched the International versions which, quite frankly, makes for a not so great Houseguest. The super fans are always too aware, too self conscious, and scared to be themselves. The ideal Houseguest, in my esteemed opinion, is a fan who only watches the CBS show. Those people tend to be cocky, competitive, and blissfully unaware that the Live Feeds capture their every move.

During her interview, Michelle is stunned to discover that she's actually sitting in the real Diary Room. Jerf asks her what she thinks about it all and she launches into a long drawn out thing about the lights and cameras. Even Jerf gets bored so he cuts her off and then she promptly snorts. She's a weird one, this Michelle. Not unlike another Michelle I can recall somewhere in the dark cavernous recesses of my mind. I feel like Michelle has pervy skeletons in her closet and weird fetishes. She's probably a Furry and chats on message boards with men who dress like babies. I just get that vibe from her.

Unfortunately for us, Michelle is a shouter. A screechy voiced Hayden Moss ready to terrorize our days and nights. I LEFT BEHIND MY DOG AND MY SISTER. ALSO THERE'S A CARCASS IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET. I PLAY WITH IT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M LONELY. She probably sets fire to feel emotion. Maybe her freakiness will offset the fact that she's an uber fan. Keep an eye on this one, I think she'll shock us... with her scab collection.

You need the Live Feeds to see this freak in action!


  1. Hah! I knew there was an asslicker vibe there.

  2. She's pretty much like a brunette Nicole (BB16), no? Also from Michigan, also with the glasses, also with the annoying voice.

  3. I immediately thought of Nicole BB16 also.
    Kind of amusing as she's rumored to be returning this season.

    Also agree 100% on their "superfan" type - they think they make a great player but they get swallowed up by the bigger personalities and are too aware of the cameras

  4. She's a brunette Nicole that has a really weird darker side.

  5. You are so hilarious. Hope this season makes for some good material for you. That is all.