Hide Yo' Dick

Big Brother 13 burst through the door like a beaked nosed red headed harlot with an attitude problem. Crimsons and tangerines, bicycles and surfboards, astroturf and shag... the tacky cheapness of the house enveloped us like a scratchy yet comforting Ikea duvet smelling of beer, Pall Malls and Febreze. The sweet anticipation coupled with the horrifying reality of well, you know, HER struck this little blogger dumb with silence. I mean, I knew she was coming. I knew before the sites new. I knew before the tweeters knew. I knew before everyone knew. I knew it and I squashed it. Sometimes when you squash things - like a creepy crawly bug skittering across the floor - they die. DIE! They die and you flush them down the toilet. That's what should happen, but that's not what did happen. That duck-lipped freak with her fake lashes and her straw extensions soldiered on with a "Guess who's baaaaaack?! It's the dynamic duo!" [insert hyena laugh here] If you want to know the truth, I was prepared to give Rachel a shot. I figured that if Ragan liked her and Chelsia liked her then maybe, just maybe, I could like her. Well, that little experiment ended approximately 2.5 seconds from the moment she opened the door. The smirk, the guffaw, the stench (I'm convinced there's a stench) blackened out any good intentions I ever had and replaced them with a big giant festering ball of hate. It is with that pus filled ball that I bring you today's blog. Let's recap, shall we?


8 shiny fresh faces danced their way into the house so full of hope and promise. It's a pity it wouldn't last. After pairing up into duos (Keith/Porsche, Adam/Dominic, Cassi/Shelly, Lawon/Kahlia) and learning that said duos would indeed be nominated as a couple, a truckload of funsuckers paraded through the front door killing all the hopes and dreams of the innocent newbies. As rumored, Brendon & Rachel, Jeff & Jordan and Dick & Daniele are back. Rachel is still loud and unnerving. Brendon is still feeble and uncharismatic. Jeff is still a giant bore, but now he's also gray and aging poorly. Jordan is still as sharp as a stick of butter. Dick is still wearing the same clothes from 5 years ago only now he's incredibly paunchy and sporting the telltale red face of a guy who just pulled a bender in sequester. That leaves us with Daniele. Not only was she annoyed and bothered by the whole ordeal, but she also refused to speak while in front of her father. Basically, she was the most likable of the bunch. I've never been a fan of Daniele in the past, but five years have gone by. She's more mature now (as displayed by the "silent treatment"). I admire her unflinching willingness to get rid of her father as soon as possible. If there's any returning HG I could root for, it would be Daniele.

Click. Boing. Whoosh! The feeds turn on and we're whisked away to a magical world (the Storage Room) where Porsche is busy telling another woman (Rachel) exactly just how pretty she (Porsche) is. First off honeybuns, if there's one sure way to destroy any sort of radiating beauty and invite the evil naysayers (i.e. me) in, it's to go around talking about how great you are. Secondly, you're all gums babe. Gummy gummy gumdrops - that's what I think when I see your face. I also think of smacking it head on with a golf shoe but that's neither here nor there. You're not the "pretty one" in the house Chevrolet. Cassi is. Get used to it. Surprisingly enough, there actually are a few things we learn from this vapid conversation: 1) Porsche doesn't like Cassi and will nominate her the first chance she gets 2) Porsche and Keith are up for nomination and 3) Rachel's fashion sense is woefully stuck somewhere in between Forever 21 irregulars and Vegas tramp doing the walk of shame. It's almost comforting knowing that some things will never change.


Outside the Storage Room a mystery is unfolding. Apparently, Dick has been missing for quite some time. My first instinct was to check Brendon's hard drive. I'll bet there's lots of dicks to be found there. Burly gruff Adam's first instinct is to check under the pillows in the Living Room. I mean, I guess a dick could fit under there, but I still say the My Documents folder on a Villegas laptop is a better bet. Well, wouldn't you know it? Right there underneath the pillow of one of the nomination chairs lies a pink piece of paper with the word "Dick" on it. Immediately, various HG's blame Adam for planting the paper himself. Rachel wonders if there's a saboteur again while Porsche says over and over again in her mind, "I'm pretty. I'm pretty, right? Who else can I tell I'm pretty?"



Adam tells the HG's in the other room about the pink paper and everyone begins to wonder if it's some sort of clue or merely coincidence. The paper is identified to have come from a shoebox that all of the HG's were given at some point. Dani shrugs her shoulders and doesn't seem to care a fig about where her dad is while Jordan sits ripping her hair out of her head wondering why they don't have a puppy in the house and whether or not Dick is doing his "show" while in the DR. Jordan, my little rack of lamb, if you keep pawing at your hair like that you won't have any left by the end of the season. Adam, on the other hand, is thrilled and do you know why he's thrilled? It turns out Adam suffers from the Matty McDonald disease (no, not jailbird crabs) where he never met a camera he didn't like. I pegged Adam from the start as an annoying yuck-yuck and I'm sticking to it. The DR growls we were introduced to during last night's CBS show are unfortunately a staple from this idiot teddy bear. So is beating on his chest, pointing to his head and addressing "America" more often than is necessary. Now, Adam swears he didn't plant the paper and he even promises to give up bacon and cigarettes for the rest of the week if it's proven he did it, but you have to admit that the timing of it all is really weird. Were the HG's on an outdoor lockdown right before the feeds went up? That's the only way production could have slipped in and placed the paper there intentionally for Dick has been missing for almost 2 hours.

Brendon, Keith and Adam search Dick's things for more clues while Dani holds court in the Tarot Room refusing to give a damn. She says it's all "stupid" and continues to pull her pageboy cap further down her brow. Jeff joins the boys in their search and I'm immediately struck by something. Jeff's looking a little rough, isn't he? Stand him next to Brendon and he's no longer the shower nozzle masturbation material the menopausal women of the world think he is. He's just a normal guy with a fuck-all annoying accent and premature grays. Brendon's a douche, don't get me wrong, but he's quite "pretty" when put in the same room as Jeff.



Soon the "where is Dick?" fascination wanes and Rachel decides the house should play some games. Because, yes, games are so fucking fascinating for us to watch. Rachel wants a fashion show but ultimately they decide on "Find The Difference". It's the same crap they did last season and it's a big ole bucket o' lame.

After "Find The Difference" fizzles, Porsche and Jeff begin to bowl in the kitchen with tiny decorative bushes. Adam, sensing an "On Air" moment crashes the party and growls his way into the game. Dominic and Keith join the party as well while Shelly sits at the counter and grills Jordan about how long it took her to get her prize money from BB11. Jordan replies by counting on her fingers and declaring "Twelveteen days!" She continues by telling Shelly that while the Big Brother cameras never bothered her before, the Amazing Race cameras scared her to death. Apparently, it was stage fright that caused her to perform like a wet noodle with that glazed stoned look on her face and not the enchilada overdose I blamed it on over at the Bitchy Amazing Race Blog. Shelly asks about the contestants on TAR and Jordan replies that they're much more normal than the BB people and aren't very cutthroat at all. One little nugget that actually surprised me was that Jeff & Jordan had to go through the entire TAR casting process just like all the other teams. We also learned that Jeff has an agent while Jordan does not. She just tags along with Jeff to the "gigs" without a care (or a brain cell) in the world. La dee da. The conversation ends with Jordan cramming a giant pickle in her mouth and saying it reminds her of a frog. Ribbit.


The conversation turns to Dick again. Lawon thinks Dick going missing is a twist, Jordan thinks Dick will come back and host a competition and Jeff thinks Colonel Mustard did it in the Living Room. They recap the minutes leading up to Dick's disappearance and from what I can gather: Dick was asleep outside in his bathing suit and t-shirt. He got up to go to the DR and was never heard, or seen, again. Lawon thinks he went into the DR with his bathing suit on, but Jeff thinks he saw the skull bathing suit in Dick's room. They all get up and go investigate. This cracker jack group of investigators is about as effective as Shaggy and Scooby.



Over in the Have-Not room - which looks like Ass Licker's vacation home (a padded cell) - there aren't any clues regarding Dick. Instead we find Cassi ridding Dominic of his unibrow. Keith watches in the background green in envy. Why, oh why, does Dominic get touched by Cassi is such intimate ways? The second Dominic is done, Keith leaps into his place and insists Cassi waxes him next. He has no stray hairs to speak of and looks like he was manscaped right before entering the house, but Keith doesn't care. He wants some lady attention and he wants it now.


Dominic has a brief freak out when he discovers that Cassi has waxed his face with the same tools she used to wax Adam's chest. Apparently, Adam had a bad reaction to it and is now covered in herpe-like sores. He vows to never take his shirt off again for the rest of the season while Dominic (dubbed "Pretty Boy" by Adam") wanders from room to room exclaiming "Ewwwww!" over having herpified tools used on his face. Did I not say this kid was annoying from the get go?


Up until now there hasn't been much of any game talk whatsoever. From what I can gather though, the plan is to get rid of Porsche (yes!) if the nominations stay the same after tomorrow's POV competition. Dominic thinks no one will miss her while Keith is preoccupied with where Kalia's loyalty lies and how unfair it is to have to play against returning HG's. Keith wonders if maybe he should throw the POV competition to ensure that Porsche goes home. Dominic is 100% for the plan which, in turn, throws a huge red flag up in Keith's eyes. Why does Dominic want him to throw the comp so badly? Adam, who seems to dislike Dominic much more than the innocent "Pretty Boy" name calling tells Keith to "fuck Dom" and play his heart out tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Porsche is preoccupied with why BB hasn't told Dani anything about her dad. He's her blood relative and she deserves to know what's going on. Well, maybe in a normal family that would be true, but when your father is the reality equivalent of Michael Lohan, it's not all that strange to secretly wish for his permanent disappearance. Eventually Daniele, perhaps bothered by the other nagging HG's, heads to the Storage Room alone and demands to know where her father is. She emerges without an answer and then bitches to Brenchel about how she doesn't understand why they just don't tell her something. The underlying feeling is that maybe, just maybe, Dick has had a medical emergency. This isn't all that far-fetched. Did you see Dick when he entered the house? He was bloated, red and couldn't even bother to shave for his triumphant return to the game he once dominated. I still maintain he was wasted throughout his entire sequester. Could it be withdrawal from the powdery stuff? Heart palpitations? Beerless tremors? No one knows. Adam is pretty much convinced Dick's dead. He wonders out loud if Daniele would leave the game if Dick had an emergency. On the outside he appears somewhat concerned, but on the inside you know he's thinking "2 down. 11 to go! Grrrrrr!! Rowr!!"

In the end, Dick is gone. He is out of the game. Daniele was called into the DR, the feeds went down and when they came back up it was official. Dick is no longer in Big Brother 13 and Daniele is the bearer of the first Golden Key. Whatever went down it was something big. I can't go into too much detail, but let's just say that the powers that be at Big Brother were scrambling all night trying to figure out how to deal with this mess left by Dick's departure. Personally, I could care less that Dick's gone. I was never a fan and the less bravado in my life, the better. That doesn't change the fact that the mystery still remains. Does it have to do with video below? Or is it because of all those phone calls Dick made as soon as he found out he was going in? You didn't really think he kept this all a secret, did you? An attention whore never passes up an opportunity to brag. Remember that and you'll go far in life. The secret spilling and the video don't add up to a valid reason to have him removed from the game so... until we hear from the man himself, let the speculation begin. Was it a medical emergency? Did Dick throw a tantrum? I'm leaning towards the latter, but what do you guys think? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!


Evel Dick - Season 13 from Patrick ONeill on Vimeo.

To find out what happened in the house in the wee hours after I passed out (I had every intention of staying up, but a diet of gin and pop-tarts tends to lead to a heavy crash around the 5am hour), I encourage you to check out onlinebigbrother.com for the rest of the night's drama. Give me a few days for my schedule to adjust. I was clearly no match for the overwhelming crankiness I felt last night after seeing one Miss Rachel Reilly. Mix that with a half a valium and it's curtains for me.

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