A Whole Lotta Kissassness

After a night fraught with mystery over the willing departure of a man who looks like he never showers, Big Brother 13 is off to a somewhat slow start. The BB train is chugging and sputtering up that hill of fruity backstabbing deliciousness, but it keeps getting its wheels stuck on the tracks littered with the corpses of houseguests past. Lydia's thigh bone, Kevin's skull, Ronnie's kneecap, Ass Licker's... wait for it... TAILBONE are all cluttering up the path to BB13 greatness. You see, in my opinion, BB11 was the last great season. Those hot messes were tearing at each other's throats before they even bothered to unpack their toiletries. The house divisions were made nice and early, strategy was talked about day and night and they all had a enough screws loose to merit a healthy dose of halcion with a twist of lithium. I loved those bitches and I think of them fondly whenever the feeds go four or five hours without a tantrum or a drive-by "bipolar tranny!" insult. Keith is showing signs of buckeling under the pressure and Porsche is definitely the future poster girl for the "This is the face of insecurity" campaign you'll see on the subway come Fall 2011, but can they deliver? Can they bring us to the fist biting "Oh no she di-in't!" moments we all pine fore? We'll just have to wait and see. Let's recap, shall we?

I'd like to begin today talking about Rachel. I know, I know, I can hear your groans loud and clear, but here's the thing - this isn't the Rachel of yesteryear. This is Rachel 2.0. That's not to say she's "improved" or "better". She's just "different". The wardrobe you might find in an abandoned storage unit is still the same, but the pasty person stuck inside is Rachel Part Deux. Her hair is a little longer. She's freshly botoxed. That competitive air that just naturally surrounds her is thick and smoky, but there's a problem. Rachel is suddenly and very annoyingly hyper aware of what the cameras are seeing. She's pausing to find the appropriate words. She's biting her tongue. She's regretting things she said in the Diary Room minutes after she's said them. I don't know if someone on the outside gave her a pep talk full of shit like, "You can win back America!" or what, but I know I don't like what I'm seeing now. Rachel's one redeeming quality is that she brought drama. Sure, she did it in an awful and repugnant way, but she brought it. I'm woman enough to admit that last season went downhill the second she left the house. Let's face it, the Ragan/Rachel ooey gooey cookie fight never would've happened had Rachel not been a complete asshole from the underbelly of hell. Laughing at her psycho devil stares was part of the fun. Unless the conversation is strictly about game, she's fidgety, awkward and relying on Brendon to make her feel worthwhile.



Watching Brendon and Rachel this time around is like watching a couple of camp counselors. They love reminiscing about the old days while, at the same time, organizing group activities to keep everyone out of trouble. Camp Killjoy's philosophy is to keep the returning five HG's together and win back America's hearts while doing it. I wanted Rachel and Brendon hurling throwing stars at Jeff and Jordan. My fantasy was Jeff would get called to the Diary Room and then Rachel would descend on Jordan like a hungry zombie. Instead I'm stuck with what's tantamount to sitting around the fire roasting marshmallows. Rachel spends her time avoiding confrontation while Jordan is satisfied beaching herself on a bed and never moving for 8 1/2 hours. I hope, dear lord baby jesus, hope with every fiber of my being that this is just a merry facade that will soon crumble and implode because I'll tell you what: I think "Nice Rachel" is worse than "Hosebeast Rachel". And yes, lest a rumor fester into fact, I'll take Rachel over Jordan any day of the week. The visceral reaction I find myself having to Jordan this season is shockingly up there with how I feel about Ass Licker. Weird, huh?

Daniele is a different animal entirely. Her father's sudden and mysterious departure has given her a pass for the month yet somehow, she's mad about that. She feels useless. She's like a balloon with no air, a ball without it's bounce, a whine without purpose. She says, "I'm good for nothing for the next month." Bitch, you just leapfrogged the embarassing first 4 evictions! Just watch, study, learn, vote wisely and prepare to make your triumphant return to the competition portion of the game when the time comes. You have what all the other players want. Only you, Queen Sourpuss, could be annoyed by that. Let's face it, whether Dick stayed or whether Dick left, Daniele would've found a way to have been pissed off by her surroundings regardless. She's one of those people who is just inherently annoyed by everything.


Early in the day Keith approached Daniele in the Storage Room and gave her one of his fillbertygibbet herky jerky pep talks. "You, uh uh uh, you just need to homina homina know that you're um, uh uh uh, a killer at this game. You'll uh, fine ass, see how um uh I meka leka hi meka hiney ho said good things about you in my um uh uh diary room sessions." Both Daniele and myself had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I think in his mind he was buttering her up, but it all just came across as very kiss assy. I assure you that if I'm not falling for it, then neither is Daniele. Anyhow, Keith goes on to say that he's worried about the returning HG's having all the numbers in the game. Let's review that, shall we? There are 5 returning HG's and 8 new HG's. Which one has more numbers? Exactly. Next, Keith goes on to say that Porsche is extremely disloyal and that none of the returning HG's should trust her. Daniele sort of blows him off and tells him to talk to Rachel and maybe he can strike a deal. More "homina homina's" and - scene!


Since kissassness is the theme of the day, it's Shelly's turn to do a little puckering. It appears as if Rachel had at one point considered quitting the game. Yeah right. And I'm a kind hearted charitable person who loves her fellow man. *makes a 'W' with her fingers* What-ever! Rachel wouldn't quit Big Brother if he sat at a computer and skyped his penis to all the girls in the land. I don't know if she was having a brief moment of insecurity or what, but it was enough to make Shelly want to bend over and smooch. So again we head to the Storage Room for another fucking pep talk - you realize the ridiculousness of all this, don't you? - a pep talk from a newbie to an oldie is RIDONKULOUS. Don't fucking peptalk them! Gather your troops and pick 'em off one by one. What's going on in the house right now is very similar to a Survivor merge. Just stick with your tribe and do what you came on the show to do. But noooo, Rachel is a big scary red headed harlot and all the people who so vehemently hated her in their pre-show interviews are now scared to say "boo" whenever she's around.

So here's Shelly in her Tuffskins with a tool belt hanging off her hips looking to bring some serenity to the red-headed giant. According to Shelly (who I'm very close to renaming "Babs" - I think every tough lesbian with a Harley should be called Babs), she'd very much like to see Rachel and Brendon get what they came for this summer. She wants them to win oodles of cash and all sorts of luxurious vacations to put toward their wedding. Look Babs, you don't go on Big Brother to see the other person win things. You go on Big Brother so you win things. Wouldn't you like a new tool set hon? Every gal needs a new monkey wrench now and then. The ladies down at the motorcycle club need a new karaoke machine and I'm pretty sure they're counting on you to finance it. Look, Shelly's not a bad person. She's just not seeing the big picture right now. In her mind, it's easier to pledge allegiance to Rachel then have her get all riled up and spewing fire everywhere. Rachel is like a dormant dragon. One of these days, she's going to discover that she indeed has the power to breathe fire and the whole house will turn into a pile of ash with only a wild-eyed scarlet haired behemoth left to wander the rubble. Angering a dragon is tricky business, but then again so is befriending one.

After the houseguests have had their breakfasts and brushed their teeth Rachel, Brendon and Daniele head on up to the HOH room to talk a little game. The plan is that if one of them win POV, then Keith will be going home. Porsche is a hot mess, but Keith is a hotter mess whose sleazy gaming/flirty is not only transparent, but creepy. Best to get rid of him now and be done with it. In this little meeting Brendon also reveals that he doesn't care too much for Lawon. He doesn't know if Lawon is trustworthy or not. To that I say, kapow! Bam! Beautiful people, love it! Lawon is just a slow starter much like Kevin was. If you'll remember back in BB11 it took a while for Kevin to really sink his teeth and start playing. Since Lawon makes me laugh, I'm going to allow him the same grace period I allowed Kevin.

Speaking of Lawon, downstairs, where the nongamers reside, a little contest is taking place. It appears as if everyone wants Lawon to be the one to host most of the challenges. Well, douchey Dominic isn't having it. He wants to host the competitions as well and thus begins a good-natured "host-off". Think of it as a dance-off for hosting. With Jeff and Jordan as the judges, the two men throw opening statements for imaginary competitions back and forth at one another. The funny thing is Lawon is really bad at it. The one everyone pegged the winner kept forgetting half of his intro and flubbing all his lines. To me it was a little bit of a chink in the armor. One of the things I loved about Lawon in the first place was all of the promises he made before the game started. He'd be gay if they wanted him gay. He'd be straight if they wanted him straight. But, most importantly, he'd be fabulous. On a fabulosity scale of 0-100%, Lawon is maintaining around a solid 12%. Those are some disappointing figures, but, like I said, I'll give him a few more weeks.

Now, news of the host-off may not seem important, but let's look a little deeper. Who did I say the judges were? Jeff and Jordan, right. While the old HG's were upstairs going over who they can or can't trust and who's the best person to evict, Jordan was firmly affixed to her mattress like she's Big Edie Beale or something. I half expected a gaggle of cats to take up residence on her lap while she leaned over and cooked corn on a hot plate. You can love Jordan all you want, but homegirl is not playing the game just like she's NEVER played this game. People always ask me why I dislike Jordan so much and I'd end up writing War and Peace if I really took the time to list all the reasons, but the main reason is she doesn't play, she never tries, she relies on others to play for her and she won her season, for the most part, because of luck. All you have to do is look at Jordan's face to know that she has no desire to be in the house right now. Quite frankly, it's an insult. Just take a look at Twitter. Look at all the old HG's dying to get into that house while there sits fucking Jordan on her ass contributing nothing. It's infuriating to watch. It really is. She's only there for Jeff and if you think otherwise you need to check yourself into your local mental health facility as soon as possible. Jordan is a waste of space who has no business playing the game with the likes of Rachel and Brendon. More on this later.


Fast forward a few hours and we find Porsche crying and yelling at Keith. You see, Porsche found out that Keith has been avidly campaigning against her to the other HG's and is thinking of throwing the POV competition in an effort to ensure that Porsche goes home all the while wanting to do the hibbidy gibbidy with her. Keith, just like I said from the very beginning, is an idiot. Throwing a competition this early in the game and essentially handing Rachel & Brendon all the power in the world is beyond stupid. Keith & Porsche should be fighting with everything inside of them to get their asses off the block. There is entirely way too much time between now and next Thursday for a number of things to wrong - mainly, Keith doing/saying something inapporopriate or ignorant to any number of people in the house.


The fight ends with Porsche refusing to forgive Keith. She pretty much says, "I don't like you! I don't want to be friends with you!" and then she scurries up to the HOH and announces, "I should totally an Oscar for what I just did." She tells Rachel & Brendon how she cried and how now the house all feels sorry for her. I know I was half asleep when I was watching this unfold, but I just don't understand Porsche. First off, like I said earlier, why is she catering to the oldies? She should be building alliances with the newbies and thinking of a team to replace her on the block when she goes out and wins that POV. Instead she's absolutely certain that she's safe and, get this, she plans on throwing the POV as well. *throws hands up in the air* What is wrong with these people?! Who does that? Porsche is just an unlikable as Keith and runs the risk of something happening between now and next Thursday that'll put her safety in jeapordy. If these two don't win the POV, either one can go home. It's simply too early for anyone to make any promises that'll stick.

And this brings us to the POV competition. Rachel/Brendon, Jeff/Jordan and Porsche/Keith are the players. From what I can gather, it sounds like it was a puzzle type of game where the competitors were flying in the air. Part of it involved placing bricks and the brilliance that is Jordan decided to place her bricks in an up and down fashion. When Jeff informed her that bricks go horizontally, Jordan sprinkled some salt on his head and ate him. You see, pretty princess Jordan is on her period right now and not only does that scare the living daylights out of Jeff, but it makes her eat anything within her peripheral vision. In the end, probably since Keith and Porsche threw that shit, Rachel & Brendon won POV.

Immediately after the POV, Rachel, Brendon and Jeff were in the HOH room recapping the comp and going over how the POV ceremony will play out. Actually, let me rephrase that. Rachel & Brendon were planning and plotting while Jeff sat there glassy eyed and stunned at just how hardcore these two are. Without a break or a pause for dinner, Brenchel went right to work going over what the next HOH competition could be, what measurements it could entail, how 5ml translates into gallons and what the velocity is when a houseguest in motion stays in motion. I won't lie. It was intense. Those two NEVER stop. All they do is study and speculate and plan and maneuver. It's exhausting watching them. The look on Jeff's face said it all. His inner monologue must have been something like, "Oh shit, are these two for real? Jordan won't understand what milliliters means! I'm fucked."

Eventually, Jeff left the room - probably before his brain started smoking - but Brenchel kept going! It doesn't matter who said what. All you need to know is that this is what it sounded like: (read it out loud and extremely fast for the full effect) "We need to get Jordan to win the next HOH that way we can still compete and have Jeff on our side. You want some tacos baby? No baby I'm OK. If we throw HOH to Jordan then we can nominate who we want but I don't feel comfortable relying on Jeff and Jordan to win a POV if we end up on the block. I'm going to take a shower. How many milliliters are there in a shower? We should figure that out. Yeah, we should figure it out. You take a shower and count and I'll stand out here and do some Tae Bo. After we're done we can count the amount of threads in the carpet and then I think you should divide the number of hairs on my head by the number of hairs on your head. I'll bet that number will come up at some point in a future competition. Speaking of future competitions, I think they'll do the one where we have to guess the amount of things. That's probably in week 3. I wonder if Jordan knows how to count. I don't know. Are you sure you don't want any tacos baby? Ok I'll have a bite of yours. Let's give Jordan counting classes. How many drops of water in that glass? I don't now. Let's count. I'll go get an eye dropper!" Exhausting. Simply exhausting. I guess I can admire their drive, but fuck me! They're too intense. It creeps me out.

I'm so sorry sorry sorry, but I have to end this here. Something personal came up and I've got to take care of it. I swear by Monday/Tuesday I'll have a much more normal schedule. Please check onlinebigbrother.com for any of the overnight stuff I missed. I watched most of BBAD, but I didn't really catch anything too noteworthy other than that godawful "Would you rather?" game. Port-a-potty liquids or a bloody juicy tampon, come on! It makes me all gaggy just typing it. Anyhow, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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