Way Back In The Olden Timey Days...

(Britney grabbing the game by the balls)

Way back in the olden timey days before the motorcar, before the internet, before shoes, Houseguests had to walk 18 miles barefoot to the Big Brother house everyday. And they didn't have keys back then. They had giant slabs of limestone shaped like keys! Pandora, the real Pandora, would visit with her little wooden box, but that bitch would unleash "gifts" like pestilence and famine not chinny chin chin muscleheads! It was a different world back then, a crueler world, an unforgiving world. Who better to bring back to school the young wide-eyed neophytes than craggly old hardened veterans? Let's recap, shall we?

We've got a ton of catching up to do and a lot of pieces of the puzzle to put into place so let's get the easy stuff out of the way:

Boogie's team is: Frank, Ian and Jenn.
Britney's team is: Shane, Willie and JoJo.
Dan's team is: Kara, Danielle, and Jodi.
Janelle's team is: Wil, Joe, and Ashley.

Willie is HOH.

Frank and Kara have been nominated for eviction.

Ian, Ashley and Danielle are Have Nots.

The wild haired Sausage Fingers grunted to herself and then lazily leaned over to flip the switch. We are live Bitches! Big Brother 14 has officially started and already, in one night, it is infinitely more entertaining than BB13 ever was. Thank god! Right off the bat we notice a strange divide that I'm not sure we've ever seen before: men v. women. The women are getting along famously giggling, whispering, gossiping, and playing games. While the men are, for the most part, quiet and subdued. Britney and Janelle are clearly working together while Boogie is half assedly trying to keep his team safe. And I'm not entirely sure what the hell Dan is doing. He likes to lay around a lot, eyes darting here and there, while propping himself up by his elbows. Ugh. I can't stand him. As far as I'm concerned, he's enemy #1. The sooner he's out of the house, the happier I'll be.

OK so Frank is up for eviction and this is very inconvenient for Boogie. He needs to do everything in his power to make sure Frank either comes off the block or is safe when it comes time to vote. Boogie heads on up to HOH for a little chitchat with Willie to discuss the POV. To hear Willie tell it, he seems to like Frank and wouldn't mind keeping him around. Frank is a physical threat so as long as he is in the house, all eyes will not be on Willie. If Willie were to win POV, his plans are to keep the nominations the same. Here is where it gets a little confusing, Boogie agrees with Willie that Frank is a threat and compares to him to Janelle way back in yesteryear. She was also a threat so they kept her around to deflect the attention away from themselves - only, she almost won... TWICE! I'm not sure what point it is that Boogie is trying to make. If he's trying to keep Frank safe, he's not making a convincing argument by comparing him to Janelle.

One thing everyone in the house can agree on is Joe. Apparently he was very angry that his key was picked last during the nomination ceremony and even woke Boogie up in the middle of the night to complain about it. He has already cried over something or other and Britney is unimpressed by his cooking combinations: pasta with a side of macaroni cooked on a skillet. I wonder what's for dinner tomorrow night - a baked potato with a side of french fries? Boogie vows to Willie that Joe will be his main target next week if his team wins HOH. That way he gets rid of one of Janelle's mentees and cuts loose the overly sensitive weirdo chef.

Willie wonders aloud if perhaps he should throw the POV *smacks self in head* and let Frank win. Boogie replies by regaling Willie with more stories from his past. Did you know he's known as the most conniving player to play the game? Me neither. I had no idea. And did you also know that his reputation precedes him? *blinks and stares blankly* Uh ok. Eventually, Boogie nixes Willie's idea to throw the POV and advises him to try to win so he can keep the nominations the same. You'd think with Frank on the block Boogie would want to get him off the block. I can't exactly figure out the game Boogie is playing especially when, later in the Storage Room, he tells Frank to try to win POV so they can get Danielle on the block. Is Boogie smart enough to be setting up Willie to fail this early in the game? I'm not sure. Boogie appears to be a bit of an outcast with Britney and Janelle off being besties and Dan laying around staring at stuff. Without a confidant, it's hard to get a read on where his head is at.

Frank, from what I can tell, seems shattered and depressed by his nomination. It's clear he's not thrilled about the Coach twist and is even less thrilled by having half assed Boogie trying to give him advice. If anyone were to ditch their Coach and go into the game alone, it would probably be Frank. Over the course of the night both Janelle and Frank could be heard voicing how Boogie didn't seem to care about the game until the feeds turned on. Still, that doesn't stop Frank from sharing with Boogie how Shane came to him wanting an alliance. Frank is suspect wondering whether or not Shane is being genuine. It quickly becomes clear that there are two distinct games going on in the house: one between the newbies and one between the coaches. And you know what? The one between the Coaches is more prevalent.  Having to worry about where the Coaches are at mentally and who they're aligned with bothers Frank and it's evident all over his face. Always worrying about which Coach will target another Coach sucks for the newbies because then the game isn't even about them anymore. It's about Coaches settling old scores and sticking with their friends.

Meanwhile the girls are gabbing and talking about those evil boys. Janelle is clearly the ringleader with Britney as her trusted sidekick. And let me tell you, there is NO love lost between Janelle and Boogie. She very plainly announces to all of the girls how Boogie had not only had a nasty case of genital warts that he had removed by Dr. Will, but a scathing attack of the crabs... twice! *bites fist* Britney nods and comments, "Stay away from his crotch. Seriously, keep your head away from his crotch." Like, bumping skulls into crotches is a normal everyday thing. Ooops! Did I bump into your penis with my nose again? That's always happening!... Oh my god I can't believe I rammed my ear into your vagina again. That makes twice today!

Over in the Have Not room we have a very sad clown. Ashley doesn't feel pretty. She threw out her back, got her period, put on some sweatpants, and now she doesn't feel pretty. However! However, the Diary Room gave her muscle relaxants and quite possibly pain killers as well. I don't know about you, but give me a Soma Smoothie with a Vicodin chaser and I'm the prettiest girl in the world. I'll be so goddamn pretty I'll twirl in a field surrounded by butterflies with my hair cascading down my back feeling nothing but pretty. Pretty would be oozing out of my pores. Feeling not pretty makes Ashley whine a lot which is very hard to listen to, but everyone seems to forgive her for it and feel sympathetic rather than annoyed.

On the other hand, someone the house isn't forgiving of is Danielle. Horrible twangy Danielle. I didn't like her from the get go and I like her less today. Danielle is a freak. She's overly sensitive and plays weird "my childhood was worse than yours" games. Apparently, her father beat her when she was young because he was possessed by the devil. As completely awesome as that is, why would you say that in the Big Brother house?! From the very little I saw of Danielle (she kept hanging out with Dan and they'd just sit, mumble, and be really boring), she's not meshing with the other girls, she annoys everyone with her woe is me crap, she needs to constantly be talked off of the ledge, and her shelf life in this game is going to be very short. Hooray! Hey, I'd be thrilled if she went up this week and got sent home. Better yet, get rid of Kara next week and we'll be done with Dan. Sounds like a plan!

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Alcohol."
"Did someone say alcohol?!?" cries Janelle as she runs over everyone and flies into the Storage Room.

What happens next is very strange. The girls claim the alcohol for themselves and then scurry up to the HOH to play drinking games. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what I'd do, but how did they manage to pull it off? How did the boys just shrug their shoulders and let them get away with it? There was some talk about the boys drinking the night before, but still... who lets someone else claim the alcohol and run off with it? Not me! That's for sure.

While Janelle proceeded to stuff the beers and wine up her shirt, Wil sneaks up to the HOH with a cup of coffee for some alone time. As Wil is everything delicious in the world, the gaggle of girls follow him up the stairs and shriek, "Wil! Where are you?!" Wil takes one look at the estrogen army and flies back out of that HOH. Something is amiss. Wil's glitter has a dull sheen and both the girls and myself are confused.

Later, we come to find out that the night before JoJo stole one of the Wil's beers, chugged it, and then giggled about it later to Shane. Oh hell no. Oh. Hell. No. You don't steal a girl's, I mean man's, beer! As a woman myself, there are a few rules I live by: Never leave the house without a pedicure, chill your glitter before dunking your breasts into it, and never, and I mean never, steal another bitch's alcohol - unless of course she's a dumb ass and she's not looking. If she's a dumb ass, steal away!

Like anyone bathed in glitter and key lights, Wil takes his alcohol very very seriously. So seriously that he wants that bitch JoJo gone as soon as possible. So while Wil is downstairs giving some serious face and captivating the boys with his charm and wit, upstairs it's a hoedown. Or a hodown. Either way, it's a lot of hos getting down. Dance Party USA! It's almost disturbing how well these ladies are getting along. They're forgiving and embracing of Ashley in her time of need, they applaud Jenn for being a gold star lesbian (she's never slept with a man), and they genuinely seem to enjoy each others' company. It's truly bizarre - especially in the Big Brother house. I'm thinking since Boogie is so creepy and Dan is about as exciting as a kitchen sink, the ladies have no choice but to come together and bond. The only girl not part of the group is squishy faced Danielle who was downstairs talking about exorcisms and whatnot. Seriously.

After a spirited game of I Never, the ladies disperse and we find Britney and Willie talking about this week's eviction. Willie tells Britney how he's leaning towards keeping Frank to which Britney is horrified. She accuses Willie of letting Boogie get to him and confides in him that she doesn't really care about Shane and JoJo. She's pulling for Willie to win the whole thing. Here's the thing about Britney, she is a phenomenal liar. Phenomenal. It's scary how naturally it comes to her. In all honesty, I wasn't thrilled by her return to the game, but she's playing that whole damn house telling everyone exactly what they want to hear. Better yet, her charm reels them all in and they believe it! If you'll remember, Willie didn't care for Britney at all before entering the game. To look at him now, you'd never know that. When he's around Britney he lights up, giggles like a schoolgirl, and randomly calls her pretty in the middle of a conversation.

By this point in time, Janelle is sloshed. Seriously, shlee's shlurring her words more than I do when taste testing a fresh batch of bathtub gin. It almost makes her likable. Like Britney, Janelle isn't someone I've ever really cared about, but I'm finding the Boogie trash talk and the early control of the newbies endearing and impressive.

Another person I was never too gaga over is Ian. And this morning, I'm still unimpressed. I know everyone wants to gobble him up over his nerdy underdog-ness, but not me. The girls in the house think Ian changed into a completely different person the second the feeds went live and even though I wasn't there, I'm going to go ahead and agree with them. Ian likes to talk to us via the cameras... a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. I hate that! I want to be a voyeur not watch the Ian Show. Happily, Wil agrees with me. "I want that motherfucker out!" he said to Britney and Janelle. *giggles* Awesome.

What is interesting is the flirtation between Ian and Ashley. She seems to be instigating it while Ian happily obliges. And even though we're all sick to death of BB romances, there could be some opportunity for multiple hook-ups this season. Ian and Ashley, JoJo and Jenn (JoJo very loudly declared that she makes out with girls for fun.), JoJo and Willie (JoJo doesn't want a romance with Willie. She just wants to make out with him.), Shane and Danielle, Frank and Danielle, etc. While some of the men might be attracted to Kara, she's way too uptight to hook up on camera. Plus, she's also painfully aware of her parents watching which makes her just as boring as her interviews. It's that voice. That unenthusiastic monotone voice! Something about it makes me spit nails. Rusty nails.

The night comes to a close with Britney, Janelle and Willie debating over whether or not to get rid of Kara or Frank. The girls are leaning towards Frank because she is just a boring model chick who poses no threat whereas Frank has giant thighs. Giant thighs = good competitor. The girls try to convince Willie that keeping Kara around will benefit them all in the long run. Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Frank continues to be angry about the Coach twist. He's annoyed at how prominently they're featured in the game when really, they're just supposed to be there as advisers. Hey, I get it Frank. No offense to you newbies, but Janelle and Britney ruled those feeds last night. All of the Coaches (except Dan the Dud) have monopolized the game thus far. It's not newbies getting rid of newbies, it's Coaches outlasting other Coaches.

So, what did you guys think of our first glimpse into the house? Personally, I thought it was spectacular. There was SO much going on that my head was spinning. I often found myself debating which camera to focus on because there just wasn't a dull moment! While I'm encouraged by this, I'm also a little annoyed that the Coaches are monopolizing the game. Will Frank's aversion to the twist become contagious? He's already tried to convince JoJo that it's the Coaches that need the newbies not the other way around. Do we have a mutiny in our future? Who are your early favorites? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!