Oh My God, You Guyzzz

Oh my goshhh you guyzzzz, this is soooo exciting hnmm mnmm. I'm like freaking ouuuut. Look at this photograph, hnmm mnmm, I think that guy right there is my husbannnd. He's either my husbannnd or the tour guide we had that one time we visited Canadaaaa, hnmm mnmm. And, oh my god, you guyzzz, Perfect Little Treasure drew me some picturezzz! Do you see the anger in his brush strokezz, unh? That means he's wetting his bed again. Oh myyy goddd, I got a yoga mat. But, this isn't Mandukaaaa. I wanted a Mandukaaa. Greek Yogurt yummm hnmm mnmm. Let's recap, shall we?

Where to begin? How does one pick up the pieces of a clusterfuck and put them together in a way that is both pleasing to the eye and not vomit inducing? Hell if I know! Let's dive right in and see if we can make sense of all of this.

When the Live Feeds click on, we discover that Spencer and McCrae have already dropped out of the competition. Jessie and Amanda are tied with 3 balls and Elvira (Elissa) is in the lead with 4 balls. Quickly and without haste, the balls being to fly again. Amanda and Elvira both catch a ball while Andy stumbles and falls.

Jessie falls next and was instructed to immediately leave the house as soon as she fell. On her way out the door she hollers, "Fuck you Amanda! I fucking hate you!" Jessie's a gem, isn't she? As Jessie waddles out the door we hear Aryan say, "I'm sorry Jessie. You are out of the game." This is mildly interesting to BB connoisseurs because it's the first time (that I can recall) we get to hear an HOH narrating an Endurance Competition. But wait! Jessie hasn't left the premises yet. No, she's still throwing a fit. She's throwing a fit and she's throwing balls at the Jurors heads. The feeds cut to fish for, what I suspect, are the men in white coats coming to drag Jessie away.

When the feeds come back we can hear Hell-en (Helen) feverishly telling Candice and J-U-DD that Elvira was the only one who voted to save her. Homegirl Hell-en is working overtime to make sure her precious Elvira lasts longer in the game. It's very Single White Female... only, it's Single Asian Female... but she's not single so I guess it's Married Asian Female which, if you ask me, doesn't sound like all that great of a movie. Does that make me a racist?

Hell-en must have had a premonition of her future in the Jury House because she falls with Candice falling right behind her. Welcome back to the Big Brother House, J-U-DD. Ahummina hummina.

As the only Juror left, J-U-DD is not only back in the house, but he can still compete for HOH. He tells the HG's that he wants to start the game anew and holds no grudges against anyone. The score is now J-U-DD with 3 balls, Amanda with 4 balls, Elvira with 6 balls and VaGina (GinaMarie) with 3 balls. On a personal note, I'm happy J-U-DD is back. The other options were too much of a nightmare so it's good to have that mumbling country boy back in our lives. Plus, it means we'll get some more J-U-DD impersonation on the Big Brother Gossip Show tomorrow night!

All of the HG's are extremely interested to hear what the Jury House is like. J-U-DD's reply is, "I've had to hear Oprah stories for the past two weeks. That's the only thing I'm bitter about." VaGina yells from her end of the arena, "Did you tap that (Candice or Jessie) or what?" J-U-DD replies, "Nah, we had different rooms." McCrae then asks what the movies in the house are like. J-U-DD tells them that the movies were similar to what they had in sequester. McCrae then asks what the Jurors were able to see of the evictions. J-U-DD says that the eviction DVD's were short and vague.

(intruders are in upper right hand box)

Then, out of nowhere, a heckler in a red wig and a giant foam finger comes racing into the backyard to distract the HG's. He hollers this and that as a security guard chases him. The fallen HG's on the bench yell to the HG's still competing to ignore the distraction and stay focused on the game. A lovely lady on Twitter was speculating that the unruly fan was Howie. I have no idea because I never got a glimpse of his face.

As much as we may like J-U-DD and his wacky mumble-speak, I am still annoyed that he is back. It is incredibly unfair to let an evicted HG reenter the house. And it would have been more unfair had he won HOH so it's a good thing he fell just as Elvira was catching her seventh ball. I'm not an Elvira fan (AT ALL), but I have to say that she was very smart in the way she played the game. See how her eyes are locked on the ball shooter thingie? This is immensely helpful when it comes to catching balls. Amanda, on the other hand, was more focused on not falling off her perch.

The competition continues and we quickly get two VERY close calls. Amanda loses her footing on her perch and falls to one side, but she grips her ball holder and manages to swing herself back into an upright position. Shortly after, the exact same thing happens to Elvira and we immediately know how important this HOH is to both women.

Despite her efforts and despite never falling off, Amanda simply didn't catch enough balls to pull out a victory. Elvira, with her eye on the ball shooter strategy, catches her tenth ball and is our new HOH. *stabs self in the eye with a hot poker*

There has been a lot of speculation and conspiracy theories circulating about Elvira's win and, believe me, I LOVE a good conspiracy theory, but Elvira won that comp fair and square. No one cheated, no one was pushed and no one was told when to jump. Any sightings of Production behind the wall are simply of the crew maintaining the apparatus.

After the HOH is over and everyone has had their showers, we find Elvira and J-U-DD in the bathroom. Elvira is wasting no time jumping on the Amanda Hate Train. She corners J-U-DD and tells him that Amanda, McCrae and Aryan wanted to backdoor him for months. You and I both know this isn't true, but lying is part of the game. I can accept this. I can accept people lying in order to stay in the house longer. It's always baffling to me when I see peoples panties in a twist over Amanda or Andy lying in their game play. EVERYONE in the house lies! Why is it OK for Hell-en and Elvira to lie, but not OK for Amanda and her crew to lie? The hypocrisy amongst the BB fan base is laughably ridiculous.

Anyhow, J-U-DD doesn't seem all too concerned with the information that Elvira is telling him. He says to her, "Sorry fer not huggin' you when I left the house." Elvira ignores him and asks if he'll vote out whomever she puts up. J-U-DD replies, "I'm startin' fresh." Elvira then asks, "You're not mad at Amanda and McCrae?" Again, J-U-DD says that he's not holding any grudges and has no alliances. He is starting the game completely fresh. Elvira then asks him why Jessie is so mad at her. J-U-DD has no idea, but he says that Jessie told him about how she was stalking Elvira that one day.

Over in the bedroom we see Amanda frantically doing some damage control since J-U-DD is back in the house. She tells Aryan to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en threatened her and she had to put J-U-DD on the block during that Double Eviction. Amanda tells Aryan that she has to tell J-U-DD that Hell-en said he was MVP (The truth is that Amanda said it). Amanda reiterates that they need to blame everything on Hell-en. Aryan nods and doesn't say much, but Amanda is worried because she can't remember exactly what she said to J-U-DD in her goodbye message to him.

In all parts of the house, everyone is super curious about what Jury is like. They ask J-U-DD all sorts of questions and with each answer the feeds go down. The feeds even cut to fish when J-U-DD begins to tell everyone how he thinks that Candice really likes Howard for real. At one point when the feeds come back up we hear J-U-DD saying that he wish he knew what he was and wasn't allowed to say (Production must have given him a warning.). Nonetheless, the remaining HG's fill J-U-DD in on how Jessie went batshit crazy the week she got evicted.

Off in another room, we find McCrae and Spencer quietly whispering to each other. McCrae doesn't think having J-U-DD back in the game changes anything. McCrae insists that J-U-DD is still a marked man. McCrae admits that he feels like he and Amanda are "super at risk" this week. Spencer assures McCrae that he'll still back him up and be loyal this week.

In the bathroom we find Amanda and Elvira whispering. The blow dryers are blowing loudly so it's extremely hard to hear exactly what they're saying. What I'm able to pick up is Amanda reminding Elvira how they've protected her throughout the game. Elvira doesn't seem to care much. Amanda mentions something about J-U-DD going on the block and Elvira firmly says that she's not putting up J-U-DD, but she might put up McCrae. Elvira then says how Aryan is the one who sent Hell-en home, but she doesn't have the balls to accept responsibility. Instead, she blames everyone else. Again, it's extremely difficult to hear them, but Elvira seems firm in her decision and not interested in hearing what other people think.

Elvira mumbles something about splitting up VaGina and Aryan. Amanda tells her that the best way to do that is to put both of them on the block. If VaGina wins POV, then Aryan will still go home. If Elvira doesn't put VaGina on the block, she can still win POV and save Aryan. Amanda is insistent that the way to assure Aryan goes home is to put VaGina up with her. Elvira says nothing and walks away.

The talk with Elvira is incredibly worrisome to Amanda so she and McCrae go into the cockpit. Amanda rehashes her bathroom conversation with Elvira and tells McCrae that Elvira wants Aryan to go home. She says that Elvira wants to nominate Aryan with either herself or McCrae. Amanda explains how she is trying to get Elvira to nominate VaGina and Aryan together.

McCrae, also worried, tells Amanda that she needs to stay on top of Elvira. Amanda says she doesn't want to push her too much because Elvira pushes back. Amanda tells McCrae that if J-U-DD asks any questions about his eviction, he has to say that Hell-en told them J-U-DD was MVP. McCrae asks Amanda if Aryan knows to say that as well. She tells him that she already talked to Aryan about blaming everything on Hell-en. McCrae worries that Aryan could flip and use it against them.

Andy then enters the cockpit and Amanda immediately tells him that Elvira doesn't want to nominate Spencer or J-U-DD with Aryan. She tells Andy that Elvira wants to put up someone stronger like her or McCrae. McCrae tells Andy he needs to work on Elvira, but not to push it too much because Elvira doesn't like to be pushed. Andy sighs and wishes they could just get rid of J-U-DD. Amanda tells him how Elvira was adamant about not nominating J-U-DD. McCrae says he's super worried about J-U-DD comparing notes with the other HG's. Andy laments that J-U-DD coming back into the game screws up everything. Andy doesn't want Amanda or McCrae to go up on the block, but he also doesn't want to go up on the block himself. Meanwhile, McCrae doesn't understand why Elvira wants to put up a strong person this week. He says that she can't play in HOH next week and everyone will be after her.

Amanda is super worried that both she and McCrae will go up on the block. McCrae tells her that that's exactly what will happen if VaGina wins POV. McCrae keeps saying, "What a fucking nightmare." Andy sighs, "It's going to be so hard to get J-U-DD out." Amanda contributes, "This is the absolute worst case scenario." Before Andy leaves the cockpit, he reassures McCrae and Amanda that they can get through this.

Once Andy leaves, Amanda begins to cry. She tells McCrae that J-U-DD is going to screw everything up (Not J-U-DD, Elvira!). Through sniffles and tears she says she doesn't want to leave yet. If she gets voted out she'll have to go to the Jury House with all those girls that will be mean to her.

Fast forwarding a little, we arrive at Elvira's HOH reveal which is a nightmare of hnmm mnmm's and unh's. Elvira says over and over again, "I'm sooo excited. I'm freaking ouuuuuttt. I don't know what I'm going to doooo when I'm seeing pictures of my familyyyy. I'm going to die, hnmm mnmm." Sadly, she didn't die. Instead she hnmm mnmm'd all over everything and says to a photograph, "That's my little family, mnmm." Amanda then comments on of the photos, "That doesn't even look like you in that picture. That's crazy." Amanda, my love, that photo was probably pre-op Elvira.

In addition to photographs, Elvira also got some hand painted art from Perfect Little Treasure. Elvira says, "Oh my goshhhh, this is sooo beautiful." Later she remarks how the drawings look like her son was angry when he made them (???).

Not everything is sunshine and roses in Elvira's HOH. For example, the eyelashes in her HOH basket aren't the kind that she wears. The ones in her basket are "ridiculous". She also didn't get a Manduka yoga mat... "This is not my favorite yoga mat. Manduka is my favorite." If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that, hours before the HOH reveal, I predicted that the brand of her yoga mat would be an issue. For all of you non-yogis, Manduka is one of the most expensive yoga mats. I don't have a Manduka myself, but I'd cut off my left tit to get one. If anyone wants to buy me one, I would love THIS ONE and THIS ONE. Some people got annoyed with me this morning for pointing out that Elvira was bitching about her yoga mat because Elvira said her Manduka was too heavy. Well, Manduka makes lighter travel ones, numbskulls! I'm going to step out of this paragraph right now because I get way too fired up when talking about yoga. Namaste.

In addition to an insufficient yoga mat, Elvira got a Taylor Swift CD (the horror!) and a letter from Rachel (even more horrifying!). And that is where I will end this today. I suspect that Elvira will be nominating Aaryn and Amanda for eviction this afternoon.

So, what did you think of the HOH competition? Are you happy Elvira won? Is Aryan Elvira's real target or is it Amanda? Will you be daytime drinking heavily today during the Kiss The Hnmm Mnmm Ring sessions? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!