Flip The Switch, Bitch!

Sometimes things turn on with the flick of a switch, with a drumroll, with a curtain slowly rising or even with the loud bang of a gun shot into the sky. Big Brother 17, however, began with a Douchebag. A bouncing insufferable Douchebag of epic proportions. He jingled, he jangled. He dressed and undressed. He griped and moaned. He massaged his own nipples with creepy tenderness. And wasn't it all just a little bit glorious? Let's recap, shall we?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jace. He is a giant tool and like I suggested on the Big Brother Gossip Show this week, he's a shot caller and a leader in his own warped sun baked mind.

The second the feeds went live, Jace tap danced onto our screens and forced everyone to sit in a circle before introducing themselves and giving "shout out's" to everything from parents, siblings, friends, the girls at Claire's (Becky), dogs, and websites. It was loud and awful and I really wanted Johnny Mac to stick needles full of novocaine inside every single one of Jace's orifices. Sadly, that did not happen. Speaking of sadly!

The mention of the outside world was much too much for Vanessa. After saying hello to everyone she cares about, she then spent the next 8 hours crying about how being away from her girlfriend is SO hard. Being in this house is SO hard. Having to lie to people is SO hard. Wait, hold up! Aren't you a poker player? Isn't lying what you do for a living? Yet one week in a house with 15 other people leveled Vanessa into a pile of crumbs and ash. The money on the line isn't worth it for her to be this sad. And THAT, right there, is why recruits are such a bad idea. They get to skip the pysch eval - I'm assuming this is true, because homegirl here needs a 5150 with a Haldol chaser - and they're thrown into something they really don't know all that much about. I expected moxie and sass from Vanessa. Instead I got snot and little puddles of make-up on the floor. 

So that's how the night started, but let's do some quick housekeeping so we all know where we stand. 

James and Jason both won their respective HOH's. James nominated Jackie and Steve with Jason nominating Becky and Johnny Mac. In the Battle Of The Block, that has yet to air, Becky and Johnny won thus removing themselves from the block. As it stands this morning, pre-POV, James is HOH and Jackie and Steve are on the block. BUT there appears to be a plan in place to backdoor Jace. 

The plan is legit enough that everyone playing in the POV is planning on throwing it for Jackie to win. Letting Steve win is too much of a gamble and these homies want to ensure that Jace goes up and then out the door. I'm not sure what Steve did, but I'm guessing that he has rubbed the house in the wrong way doing something awkward or putting his foot into his mouth. Vanessa at one point made mention that she didn't like how the house was treating him. And then her face melted off again and her lifeless skull stared vacantly into the camera for another 85 minutes.

I guess Jace is a pain in the ass. I mean, the guy is an arrogant over-the-top douchemaster of all the douche people, but that's not even the worst part! To my horror Jace and my precious Austin are bros of the douchiest degree. The have nicknames for people, they walk around shirtless. There's lots of mutterings of, "We got this, Bro." And apparently, they hate Jeff. I'm not sure why, but they find him sketchy as all get out - mainly because of his "Dad Bod." 

So basically I've lost my 2 favorites in the house - Austin and Vanessa - in one fell swoop. I'm not giving up yet though. Let's have a little faith. Maybe Jace will leave and Austin will become normal again. Perhaps Vanessa can scrape up what's left of her dignity and make another knitted chapeau with it. Who the hell knows.

It's always a little difficult on Day 1 to figure out where the alliances lie and who is going after whom, but I get the sense that Clay and Audrey are quite close. An unlikely pairing, but I think I like it. Audrey appears to always have her head in the game. She watches the others closely and studies their mannerisms - something I expected from Vanessa, not necessarily Audrey. And that whole transgender thing? Not the slightest bit of an issue at all. Audrey is just another female HG.

Speaking of the females, unfortunately Meg appears to be a part of Clay and Audrey's alliance. I say "unfortunately" because I can't stand her. None of them trust Becky and the consensus is that Becky and all of her price guns will be the next to go. Plus, Audrey thinks that Becky owns the store she works in since she won't shut up about it. The three worry that Becky or Liz will win the next HOH. From what I can gather, Liz is tight with Jace so she'll be none too happy if the lad is backdoored this week. 

A little later on though, we find out that Audrey is a true alpha with a secret alliance (the one we saw on TV) with Da'Vonne. The two sit and discuss how long they'll keep Clay and Shelli around before getting rid of them. They decide they'll dump Clay first since Shelli has no social game to speak of. Audrey doesn't even think Shelli is playing the game and will be easy to beat in the end, but Da'Vonne has had her eye on her and thinks Shelli has been talking to both Clay and Meg. And as far as Vanessa is concerned, Da'Vonne doesn't think she has any real alliances. Audrey nods and implies that Vanessa is a total floater. 

If we talk a bit about the guys, Jace is ticked off with Jason over something to do with the POV. I think Jason had "Houseguest's Choice" and didn't pick Jace so now Jace has a big bug up his ass. As far as Steve goes, he's creepy and shady and possibly wigging out over being on the block. No one is too concerned over him going home if the Jace plan doesn't pan out. 

Speaking of Jace, he seems to be getting a whiff that something is "off" within the house. He talks to Austin in the bathroom, "I am REALLY pissed off right now. Jason was never my idea." I'm not sure what that means, but Austin advises Jace to calm down and go solidify his alliance with James so he doesn't get put on the block after POV. Jace whines, "This game sucks so much." Austin replies, "Dude, I think you're good... You're good." Austin guesses that James would probably put Clay on the block if the POV gets used. The conversation then turns to Audrey. They both agree that Audrey is playing all sides of the house. Jace says, "She's so fucking catty!" 

I've been watching this conversation over and over again and I still can't figure out exactly what's going on. Earlier Austin was training Jason's glutes and from what I can gather, Jason said something to Austin about Jace? POV? I don't know. Jace got wind of what Jason said and now Jace is freaking out over this piece of knowledge Jason has. Jace suspects Audrey is responsible for spreading something while Austin suspects it could have been Jeff. If you know what this is all about, definitely leave a comment below because I'm completely lost. What I do know is that it's all sending Jace to crazy town and I like it!

Overall, we've got a strategic house with lots of lying and alliances already in place. As annoying as Jace is, I kind of hope he manages to save himself. Steve is bringing nothing to the table and the house would be no different without him. Who would you rather see go home? Can Audrey keep all of her plates in the air spinning? Will Vanessa ever get put back together again? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Hate All, Trust Even Less

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You Can Leave Your Hat On

Sometimes I like to eat cereal in the morning and sometimes I don't. Have you ever touched a kangaroo in person? I'll bet it gets really hot in Australia. Hardwood floors are nice especially when they are dark like espresso. I once had a conversation with a UPS delivery guy and it was like... oh my god, do you see that cloud? It looks like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I got stung by a jellyfish when I was 10 and I haven't been in the ocean since. Don't you feel bloated after you eat pizza? So many people have gluten allergies now. My cousin from Nebraska does those Brazilian Butt Lift videos. I was reading Us Magazine the other day and I don't think Mario Lopez is very nice in real life. I'm so glad you guys stopped by to talk game today! Have you ever watched that show Hot In Cleveland? Me either. Let's recap, shall we?

What began as a lazy Sunday on the Big Brother compound ended in titty bouncing and copulation. That will happen when you've been audibly assaulted by a ginger all day. When the tat tat tatting of non sequitur chatter has beat steadily against your brain for 8 consecutive hours, the only natural response is to fling off your clothes and do things you'll regret in the morning. Obviously, I'm talking about Andy. I told you from the very beginning this guy would be a nightmare to listen to. And if you listened to the Big Brother Gossip Show this weekend, then you know that I discussed why Andy suddenly feels like he has this game by the balls.

We begin with Helen telling Spencer and Andy that she thinks that Asshat (Jeremy) and Nick have a final two deal. After Helen leaves the boys, Andy wonders out loud if getting out someone like Eyebrows (Kaitlin) or Nick is a better idea than getting out Elvira (Elissa). Andy thinks that taking out Elvira keeps Asshat too strong in the house. He tells Spencer that keeping Elvira makes him feel safer. Andy thinks that Eyebrows is a shit stirrer and needs to go home.

Little does Andy know that he is telling all of this to someone in Asshat's Moving Company Alliance. After listening to Andy's theories, Spencer does what he does best - he invents things. He looks up into the sky, plucks out an idea and then tries to convince everyone that it is true. It has worked for him in the past with Candice, but as each day passes his lies become more fanciful and ridiculous. This morning he tries to convince Andy that he is apprehensive because he think Asshat will win MVP every week. Hearing this, Andy bursts out laughing and says, "No way!" He tells Spencer that Elvira will keep winning MVP so why not be in an alliance with her and keep her. Andy also doesn't like how Asshat bullies people around all the time. Spencer, quite defensively, insists that Asshat has never bullied him into anything.

After Andy leaves Spencer and goes inside, Spencer thinks to himself for a while and scrambles to think of a way to protect his precious Asshat. When he's at a loss for logic is when he invents something out of thin air and comes up with another crazy lie. This time he decides to blame everything everywhere on Amanda. It's a diversion tactic - "Hey Andy, look over here! Ignore Asshat and look at how evil Amanda is!" Thankfully for Andy, he doesn't fall for Spencer's ridiculous crap. He may be annoying as all get out, but he knows when things sound over the top or ridiculous.

Sensing a swell in the house that is rising up to save Elvira, Spencer is now on a mission to do anything he can to get rid of her. He tells Asshat that Amanda is leading the charge to save Elvira. Asshat then takes Amanda into the Have-Not room and confronts her. He tells her that people have been coming up to him telling him that she is trying to save Elvira. She says that people are calling her "the puppet master". Amanda asks him if males or females are saying this about her. Asshat doesn't respond, but tells her that this confrontation they're having is him being honest with her. His side of the house is the strong one and this is her chance to be safe for a long time. Amanda tells him that she and McRae have already decided to vote out Elvira.

Amanda then asks Asshat who is giving him his information. In typical Asshat fashion, he tells her to guess. She asks, "Helen?" Asshat confirms that he has heard her name. Amanda then asks, "Spencer?" Asshat replies with a yes. Amanda nods knowingly and tells Asshat that Spencer is totally against her and is going around the house telling people that she has been concocting the plan to save Elvira.

After Asshat leaves, Amanda immediately goes to McRae and tells him everything Asshat told her. McRae's forehead scrunches up in worry and he tells Amanda that she needs to stop whispering to people. He tells her that she can't talk shit to anyone anymore. He begs her to please stop talking game. Here's the thing: McRae is stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one side of him, he has the Moving Company and on the other side he has a girl he really likes. The conflict is beginning to get to McRae and it shows. Sooner or later he is going to have to pick which partnership is more important to him.

Let's look at things from Amanda's point of view - as far as she's concerned, she is in an alliance with McRae. That's all she knows! It makes perfect sense for her to question why McRae keeps telling her to be quiet and simply trust him. She doesn't know the Moving Company exists so she's doing what she thinks will help her and McRae further along in the game. The problem is that what will help her and McRae doesn't help the Moving Company. The other issue is that Amanda isn't a simpleton twit like Eyebrows or Aryan who will do anything a boy tells them to do. This is all going to blow up at some point. Either McRae will tell Amanda about the Moving Company or she'll go against him and do what is best for her.

While talking to McRae, Amanda wonders out loud if there is a way for Elvira to stay. McRae replies exasperated, "She's not gonna stay!" McRae pleads with Amanda to just trust him. He tells her that she does NOT have the votes to keep Elvira. Amanda isn't happy with that explanation. Much to McRae's dismay, she is still trying to figure out how to save Elvira.

Andy then approaches Amanda and McRae and tells them that he can't understand why they can't save Elvira. He says it should be a slam dunk and they need to keep her if she keeps winning MVP. Andy tells McRae and Amanda that he trusts them implicitly. Amanda replies, "I trust you too" while McRae sits in silence. Andy then tells them how Spencer was saying that Elvira was talking about putting up Andy. Andy laughs and says that he knows that that is total bullshit. Then he tells the couple how exhausting the day has been - everyone has been pulling him aside to talk game! NOT. Nope. Uh uh. Andy is the Energizer Bunny of mindless conversation. He flits from one corner of the house to the other trapping people with talk about cereal and calories. Watching him yesterday was brutal. Brutal! The kid won't shut up!

After Andy leaves, McRae again starts whispering to Amanda, "Don't talk game. Don't talk game to anyone." Look buddy, Amanda is in there to play the game. She's a strong gal and unless you tell her what the hell is going on, she's going to continue to play. McRae insists, "It's done. Elvira is going home." Amanda replies, "You don't know that." McRae whispers, "Yes I do." Natrually, all of this frustrates Amanda to no end. In her mind, McRae is giving up which only makes her want to work harder to protect him. Out of frustration with one another the two decide to stop talking about this week's eviction. They're both safe so they'll wait and see what's on deck next week.

The day continues with some panic out of the Moving Company. Spencer tells McRae to get control of his woman. McRae assures Spencer that Amanda will vote to evict Elvira (he's lying - he doesn't know that she will). Elsewhere, Asshat is doing damage control with J-U-DD. Up in the HOH, Asshat tells J-U-DD that Candice has been talking shit about him and throwing him under the bus. She hasn't. At all. Asshat is worried about this week, next week and how J-U-DD is going to vote.

While Asshat is busy lying to J-U-DD, Eyebrows is behind him grinding her vagina against his back. Keep in mind, Eyebrows screams from pain every time she urinates. Something is going on downstairs with her - SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING HER PEE BLOOD - yet she still wants to grind her nastiness against her bohunk house boyfriend. She licks the spoon she is eating yogurt with seductively and wraps her legs around Asshat fearful that he'll walk away from her. Here is something you should know about Eyebrows - she is petrified of being known as a whore yet her knees haven't touched once since she's been in the house. If her legs aren't wrapped around Asshat, they're wrapped around a door handle or a couch cushion or a piece of lawn furniture.

And then we fast forward to night time. When the sun goes down anything can happen and by "anything", I mean "tittays". The Houseguests get some alcohol and after a day running from Andy, everyone needs to let loose - particularly Amanda.

With band-aids over her nipples and a fedora slanted sideways over her brow, Amanda delights the boys with a striptease. Before we get to that, let us analyze the above photograph when Amanda first drops her towel. After Nick screams, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!", he blushes and puts his head down. Spencer, however, can't contain his excitement so he does a jaunty white man dance that consists of him bouncing up and down a lot. Helen covers her eyes while Howard leans in closer getting ready for what comes next. Andy, for some reason, covers his ears while Jessie turns away in a jealous rage.

Back to the star of the show...

I'm not allowed to post naked photos of the Houseguests and Amanda isn't technically naked because she is wearing band-aids, but I'd rather be safe than sorry. You can check out the entire dance yourselves via Flashback - 7/7 11:15pm. You can't see it unless you have the Live Feeds though.


But you should know that motorboating was involved.

Desperate for attention of any kind, Jessie also tried to strip. Only, it kind of flopped and no one cared.



The night ended with Asshat and Eyebrows consummating their creepy love affair. Again, SHE IS URINATING BLOOD. Let's hope that whatever is going on with her has been passed on to Asshat and the two will be applying ointment to their nether regions for some time to come.

So, we had a fun night last night! What do you think about Spencer telling lies about everyone? Will McRae be forced to come clean to Amanda about the Moving Company? Will Elvira be saved for yet another week? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Crouching Elvira, Hidden Poop

In all walks of life, from nature to man, things get clogged. Arteries, traffic, drains, dams, thoughts... bowels. And in all instances come stress and discomfort. Desperate for relief we moan and groan, we honk, we flit and, occasionally, we pour acid over the problem and hope it bubbles and fizzes into a light and airy vapor. Or, when a remedy isn't at hand, we get down on our knees and turn to a higher power. Boston, Darfur, Arizona... pfft! Pray for poop. Let's recap, shall we?

I'm going to have to cruise through this one quickly today. It's been a hectic week, but things should be back to normal come Monday. So, let's begin. The day was filled with the centuries-old Catholic tradition of kissing of the Pope's ring. Only, in this instance, the Pope is a giant douche canoe named Asshat (Jeremy). As I stated earlier, most profoundly I'll have you know, Aryan is many things, but HOH isn't one of them. Asshat is running the show and Aryan is happy to let him.

All day long people went in and out of the HOH room in a desperate attempt to secure their safety. Never have nominations been so complicated. One would think these chuckleheads were solving world peace or penning the Treaty Of Versailles. In actuality, all they were doing is finding different ways of saying, "Hey, let's nominate Helen and Elvira (Elissa), like we planned to way back when on Wednesday." The plan has always been the same. Elvira is the target. The reasons are twofold: A) It is ridiculously unfair that she's even in the house in the first place and B) She's so weird!

But in the midst of this complicated waxing poetic, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) is crumbling from the stress. She is beyond paranoid that the MVP twist will result in her skipping her ass out of the house next week. And then there's the little matter of the blood in her urine. Yes, you read that right. Eyebrows has been having some bladder issues that sound a lot like either a UTI or kidney stones. Personally, I'm hoping for stones. But, then again, I'm a wickedly horrible person who thinks that hearing her scream on the Live Feeds while passing a stone would be hysterically funny. And since we've established that karma doesn't exist, I am allowed to think such thoughts and get off scott free. Sweet!

The blood, the pee, the stress... well, it is all making Eyebrows a little nuts which, in turn, makes Asshat and Aryan very nervous. When Eyebrows goes a little off the rails she tends to pout and cry and chat incessantly to people she shouldn't be chatting with. Asshat and Aryan are trying not to piss off too many people this week, but Eyebrows' outbursts are complicating things. The duo try to tell her to calm down, but that results in her only freaking out even louder. Asshat calls her childish and confides to Aryan about how annoying Eyebrows is becoming. This, obviously, is awesome! Call me crazy, but I think it would be beyond delicious if Aryan and Asshat start hooking up. If you'll remember, Aryan has said that Asshat is exactly the type of guy she goes for.

So, the nominations finally happen and all that pre-nom stress was for naught. Helen and Elvira are up for nomination. 

After the ceremony, the nominees retreat to their Have-Not Room where they burble into a fit of tears and hugs. It should also be known that Elvira is having some intestinal issues. Basically, homegirl can't poop. The slop is building up in her lower intestines and now she's holding up everything in the house (the nomination ceremony was hours late) and pacing back and forth in front of bathrooms. In between clutching her stomach and telling people that she might have to go to the hospital, she begs America to give her MVP.

And what does America do? They give her the goddamn MVP. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!? Seriously. Way to be predictable, America. Jerks.

So anyhow, Elvira is once again MVP and now begins the torturous decision of whom to nominate. Eyebrows, Asshat or maybe Nick??? The goal is to get rid of Asshat, but they are undecided if they should put him straight up or attempt to backdoor him. Apparently, if the MVP's nomination wins POV and removes themselves from the block, the MVP gets to put someone else up in their face. As of this morning, I'm still unsure who Elvira chose to put him, but my money is on Asshat.

So, there you have it in a nutshell. Be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show tonight at 10pm EST for frankly honest drunk talk about ALL the scandals in the Big Brother House this week. We'll be talking about everything from race relations, breakdowns, sexy time, blood in the urine and poop. You don't want to miss it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Valley Of The Dolls

The only hit that comes out of a Jessie Kowalski show is Jessie Kowalski, and that's ME, baby, remember? Nope. Never gonna happen. Try to plant your own tree, Jessie, but it sure as hell won't grow. Here in the Valley Of The Dolls, trudging through the Adderall and Xanax, one plain faced girl is desperate to make a name for herself. Love, success and friendship swirl and twirl all around taunting and teasing. So close yet so far. Sparkle Jessie, sparkle. Or just sit in a corner and pout. Back in your hometown you may have been above mediocre, but here in the big city, kid, you're a dime a dozen. Let's recap, shall we?

Since yesterday was a holiday and I spent most of the day poolside, this will be a short one today. We'll begin up in the HOH room with Asshat (Jeremy) telling Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan that Elvira (Elissa) must be jealous of how cute they are. The ladies giggle and coo until the camera swings around to that walnut Jessie... "I totally believe it. I came in here thinking all the girls would be jealous of me, but I met you guys and you made it so much easier for me." Como what? No one was talking to you, Nutter Butter! No one ever talks to you. The boys don't like you and the girls can't stand you. Give it up!

The talk then turns to whom Aryan should nominate this week. Going through the choices, Aryan makes an observation about Candice, "These girls are interchangeable... Candice, Monet, Libra. They all have the same personality." *pauses to pick jaw up off the floor* So, in Aryan's mind, all black girls are the same. Swap one out for the other and no one will ever notice the difference. Wow. You can call Aryan many things. "Inconsistent" is not one of them.

Time passes and the HG's spend some time by the pool bitching about how hot it is and then they go inside and bitch some more about how hot it is. Bitch, bitch, bitch - no one is ever satisfied.

Back up in the HOH room, Jessie enters desperate to be a part of something, anything, and says she caught Candice and Howard talking to one another. Howard told Jessie that Candice and Elvira were trying to recruit him so now Jessie is doing is her duty and relaying the information to her best good friends. Jeremy listens to all of this and is pissed off knowing that Candice, Elvira and Helen are working together. He decides that Candice isn't really all that much of a threat so it might be best to put Helen and Elvira on the block this week.

The conversation then swings around to Elvira - as it always does. (Side note: I NEVER see her ANYWHERE. I don't know if she's playing hide and seek with Nick or what, but she is rarely on the feeds so it is really weird how everyone is so obsessed with her.) Anyhow, Jeremy hates the fact that they all had to go through shit to get on the show but Elvira had her spot handed to her. And it infuriates him that she could keep winning MVP every week. Look, Jeremy is a douche nozzle, but he has a point. If I was in that house, I'd be pretty bitter over Elvira's advantage as well. It's not fair. And if Billy Jean taught me anything, it is that, "Fair is fair!" The HOH group also dreads the idea of having to be stuck in the Jury house with Elvira. If Jeremy has anything to say about it, Elvira will be going home this week.

Aryan then starts to bitch about how Elvira thinks she won the HOH competition because she's on Adderall. Then she whips out a plastic baggie at 5pm PST and pops another one. Personally, I thought it was weird to take an Adderall at 5pm, but Aryan claims she needs it or else she'll go crazy. Too late. Amanda, too, takes Adderall and sometimes Xanax to sleep which apparently pisses off Jessie. Jessie thinks it's unfair that Amanda can get a pharmaceutically induced night's sleep. Jessie thinks everything is unfair. She thinks it's unfair that girls are jealous of her - we're not. She thinks it's unfair that all the boys love her - they don't. And she thinks it's unfair that others get to pop pills and she can't.

The feeds then go down for a 4th of July party. When they come back up again, we find Amanda furious with Jessie. SO furious in fact that Amanda is crying to Aryan about her. Amanda isn't typically a crier and she usually doesn't let a flea like Jessie get to her so something pretty big must have happened to warrant this type of reaction. As it turns out, Jessie was flirting with McRae. *bites fist* Oh no she di-in't! She couldn't get Nick, Jeremy, Howard or J-U-DD to pay attention to her so now Jessie has turned her sights on McRae. Prostitution whore! She even told McRae that when Amanda leaves the house they can be in an alliance together and share the same bed. Who does this bitch she think she is?

One good thing did come out of Jessie's attempted philandering - a nice big target on her back. Amanda certainly can't stand her and, now, neither can Aryan and Eyebrows. The girls bitch that Jessie is the desperate unpopular girl trying to get in with the popular clique. Truer words have never been spoken.

So there we are. Jessie is a loser and Elvira is the target. Nominations are today so look for Helen and Elvira to go up on the block. We also might hear who won MVP. While I'll be upset if Elvira wins again, her nomination could be anyone from Jeremy to Eyebrows to Jessie which could be pretty funny. As wretched as those people are, I would rather a boring person went home this week. You know me, I need my entertainment and that usually comes in the form of a hot mess. If Helen or Elvira walk out the door, I'll be just fine.

So, who do you want to go home this week? Who do you think will win MVP? Who do you think the MVP will nominate? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

My Nails Are Haw-Ribble!

When Big Brutha takes your sawks it's fuckin' haw-ribble. You don' feel like ya-self no mo'. Awl you wan' is your fuckin' capris so ya don' feel like a scrub. I mean, look at this fuckin' snawt comin' outta my nose. I'm disgustin'! Nobody knows me ta evah wear shawts in 10 yee-uhs. I don't feel cumftabull. I wanna go home! Let's recap, shall we?

Girls, girls, batshit crazy girls. The house is full of them. They float in the pool, they swing on the  hammock, they burn crosses on your front lawn... you can't escape them. But in a strange turn of events, it is actually the girls who are trying to escape the boys. You see, Eyebrows (Kaitlin) and Aryan (Aaryn) confided in one another yesterday that maybe they're not as enamored with their coiffed dandies as they once were. Eyebrows has had just about enough of Jeremy's in-house shenanigans. The other night when he stole all the wine and then gloated about it is not only hurting his game, but it's hurting hers too! And then we have little racist Aryan. The only reason she is sharing a bed with Bouffant (David) is because she doesn't like the idea of watching him share a bed with another girl. True love!

Listening to each other bitch and moan about their respective partners, the ladies begin to realize something. It turns out that Jeremy is exactly the kind of guy Aryan dates on the outside - arrogant, asshole-ish, douchey, loud, moronic, bigoted. Similarly, Eyebrows comes to the same conclusion - she usually dates the quiet and dim type of guy like Bouffant. The girls giggle to each other about how badly they screwed up in choosing their men. If only they could swap!

As the girls are chatting with one another, the boys decide to work out and lift all sort of heavy things. Jeremy heaves some patio furniture over his head while Bouffant does one-armed push ups like Demi Moore did in the G.I. Jane. Aryan sneers as she watches them, "I don't understand why they have to work out like that. Like, they're totally showing everyone how strong they are. I already have a target on my back and now they're showing everyone how we'll crush their skulls with our bare hands. Like, who does that?!" Here's one thing you should know about Aryan - nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes her happy. Well, maybe Birth Of A Nation in 3D, but other than that everything is annoying and a personal attack on her well being.

Another girl who is having issues with her well being is VaGina (Ginamarie). Big Brother took away a large portion of VaGina's clothes and she no longer feels like herself in the house. She feels disgusting! Muttering racist epithets all day and sprinkling the air with f-bombs will do that to a gal. Furthermore, her nails are haw-ribble, they took her capris, she's wearing shawts an' she nevah wears shawts, her legs are too white, she can't sit down to shave her fuckin' twat and now she wants to go home. All of this is basically code for, "Nick doesn't want shit to do with me and now I'm a lonely spinster like Jessie."

Amanda, trying to be a good friend, assures VaGina that she can borrow anything from any of the girls in the house. She tells VaGina that she doesn't look like a scrub and then she mysteriously recites the AA prayer motto for VaGina - Gawd, grant me tha serenity to accept tha things I cannawt change an' tha couridge ta change tha things I can an' the wisdom ta know tha diff'rence. It was strange and peculiar, but it sort of worked.

After about 5 minutes and some more words of encouragement from Eyebrows, VaGina finally calms down and stops talking about wanting to go home. J-U-DD joins the gals and the conversation swiftly switches to game talk. Eyebrows bats her eyelashes at J-U-DD and asks, "If I flash you my titties, will you promise not to turn on us?" J-U-DD swallows through a dry mouth and says, "Mmmkay." Eyebrows, very pleased with herself, tells J-U-DD it's a win-win. Not only will they get rid of Elvira (Elissa), but he'll get to see some boobies. Truth be known, J-U-DD is lying. If all goes according to plan this week, he should be voting to evict Bouffant not Elvira.

After a relatively low key day with the Houseguests farting around the house trying to entertain themselves, Helen decides to stimulate her mind with a lively game of chess with Bouffant. During the game, Bouffant expresses his concern about going home this week. Helen tells him to make his case over the next 2 days and hope for the best. When their game is over, Helen grabs a bag of chips (Have-Nots are done!) and joins Spencer on the hammock to fill him in on Bouffant's concerns. Spencer tells her that his plan is to tell Bouffant that he wants to work him in the future and that they might be really good together in an alliance. The whole point is to confuse the other side of the house (Bieber Fever) so when Bouffant goes home, they'll have no concrete idea where the votes came from.

Jazz Hands Andy approaches the hammock next and now it's his turn to chat with Spencer. Both gentlemen discuss how they desperately want to cut Amanda loose. Andy finds her to be annoying and thinks that even MC (McRae) is getting tired of her. Spencer is bothered by the fact that she keeps referring to the HOH room as her room. He also doesn't understand how both Eyebrows and Aryan sleep with their men and automatically get targets on their back, but Amanda doesn't. I don't quite get his logic - perhaps because it makes no sense - but he thinks the fact that Amanda sleeps with MC but doesn't get penalized for it makes her a "shady lady". The last thing Spencer wants is to keep Amanda in the game longer than necessary and end up being taken out by her. Spencer tells Andy that their alliance is much stronger without her around. He also tells Andy how much he likes Helen and wants to coach her. He thinks she's incredibly smart, but not as savvy in the game as he'd like her to be.

It should also be noted that Mr. Savvy flashed his penis to the cameras for no apparent reason at all. Umm, thanks?

The rest of the evening was more of the same as far as VaGina is concerned. She had about 15 more meltdowns and threatened to go home. One minute she's crying and then the next minute she's laughing. It all depends on whether or not Nick is paying any attention to her.

Up in the HOH room, Amanda was dismayed to discover that MC has been talking about their relationship in the Diary Room. Apparently, she has a boyfriend on the outside and his mom watches the Live Feeds. Yikes! She and MC are the least couple-y in the house, but then again she's the only one to give her man a firm handshake in the middle of the night if you know what I mean. Amanda, I still love you, but I think it's safe to say that you no longer have a boyfriend. You should probably stop talking about it and get your head back in the game and out of the HOH room. My girl isn't doing herself any favors locking herself away like she is. She's needs to be socializing and getting close to some of the more neutral middle-of-the-road people like Howard, Helen, J-U-DD and Andy. Getting close to Jessie wouldn't hurt either. If the Older People Alliance really want to deliver a blow to Bieber Fever, they should have Nick or Howard play the sex game with Jessie. Ladies aren't the only ones who can use seduction as game play. Men can too!

So, there you have it. It was a slow day in the house as Mondays tend to be and I expect today to be more of the same. Wednesdays are my day off so I will see you back here Thursday morning when the shit will have definitely fit the shan. No matter who wins HOH this week, Wednesday night will be a shit storm and it'll be AWESOME! Make sure you get the Live Feeds (seriously, they are so cheap this season) so you don't miss a second of a it! Comment it out bitches and have a great day!