A Little Fall Of Rain

Once in a blue moon, the planets align, the gods look down on us favorably, and every virgin in my town has been roasted to a tender juicy golden crisp. On days like this you can almost feel the cosmic energy in the air. Your skin tingles, your hair blows freely, and all of nature seems alive and breathing. Even in a world removed, the Big Brother house, magic makes its presence known. Even in a tiny spot of this vast universe is the power of the cosmic pulse felt thumping rhythmically in time with the heart of the infinite. *thump, thump... thump, thump* Let's recap, shall we?

It is Friday in the Big Brother house and that means Nominations. Who will James put up? We know he wanted to target Shelli per Jason's instructions, but would he follow through? Who would he put up beside her? A twin? A Knight? A motormouth meth head? The answer is stuff dreams are made of...

Tada!

James, the newly anointed resident BAD ASS, did what the universe asked of him. He nominated CLAY AND SHELLI! Side by side. At the same time. Simultaneously. In tandem. Concurrently. In concert with one another. And boy did that concert put out some beautiful music.

The song they song in each other's arms was a duet of pain...

(Shelli)
Don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly save us now
You're here
That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow

(Clay)
But you will live Mama Shell
Dear God above
If I could close your wounds with words of love

(Shelli)
Just hold me now and let it be
Shelter me, comfort me

(Clay)
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now

(Shelli)
The rain can't hurt me now
The rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last
The rain that brings you here - is Heaven blessed
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest

(S) So don't you fret Monsieur son Clay
(C) Hush a bye dear Mama Shell
(S) I don't feel any pain
(C) You won't feel any pain
(S) A little fall of rain
(C) A little fall of rain
(S) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) Can hardly hurt us now
(C) I'm here
(S) That's all I need to know
(S) And you will keep me safe
(C) I will stay with you
(S) And you will keep me close
(C) Till you are sleeping
(S) And rain
(C) And rain
(S) Will make the flowers
(C) Will make the flowers grow

*tear*

Shelli can't understand why anyone would nominate a mother and her son. Especially this week... of all weeks! This last week before players get sent to Jury. Do you realize what this means? This means that Oedipus and Jocasta (how weird is that?!) will be separated for the rest of the summer! This is the death of passion. And by "passion" I mean stiff unfeeling pecks on the cheek. But passion nonetheless! How will Shelli know if Clay is cleaning behind his ears and brushing his teeth before bed if she isn't there to remind him? Oh woe is love.

On her 20th breakdown of the afternoon, Shelli realizes that last week got her where she is right now. It's Vanessa's fault! It's Austin's fault! Basically it is everyone's fault but her own. Shelli approaches Austin and tells him that he has to remove her from the block if he wins POV. Austin would really like to but if he removes Shelli or Clay then one of the twins could go up and, sorry lady, he just can't do that. Shelli then wails, "You staying put us in this position!" No, you being an awful entitled bitch put you in this position, Sugar Tits.

Dwelling more about how she landed on the block, Shelli tells Vanessa that she regrets keeping Becky. It's all Vanessa's fault! Shelli didn't want Jason to go home. And why oh why did she throw the HOH to James. *more tears, more snot* Vanessa tries her best to console Shelli in the most laughable way ever. She tells Shelli that she's only known Clay for 7 weeks whereas Vanessa has been with her girlfriend nonstop for 2 years. Shelli's plight is nowhere near as tragic as Vanessa's. Haha! Let's just say, never go to Vanessa if your puppy dies or you lose your husband.

Meanwhile Clay is announcing that if he wins POV he will use it on Shelli. Meg and Jackie hear this and tell James while they're all hanging out in the HOH. James giggles loudly and says, "What a hero!" Meg laughs and says that she's tempted to use the POV on Clay if she happens to win just to make sure Shelli goes home. Jackie laughs, but James tells her not to do that because then he'll have to put someone up in Clay's place. Meg understands, but boy wouldn't it be funny to take Clay off and destroy his sacrifice for love. Yes! Yes it would be hysterical.

Do you want more details on all that went down yesterday? Of course you do! Do you want witty repartee and Medieval porn? Of course you do! Well then be sure to listen to the Big Brother Gossip Show live tonight at 10pm. Follow me on twitter for links. Or if you can't listen tonight, then be sure to download later on iTunes. We'll be judging the Liz Impression Contest which, from what I've heard of the submissions, will be HYSTERICAL. See you then!

Please to enjoy as you remember these two tragic souls...



Did you miss all the gorgeousness that took place yesterday? Oh my god, you silly fops! Today is the POV and believe you me, post comp will be magical. You have nothing to lose. One week free! Don't be left out.

And if you have any Amazon shopping to do, please click on any of the Amazon links to the right to get there. Thanks bitches!

Come Play With Us

Tia and Tamara, Mary Kate and Ashley, Matthew and Gunnar... since the beginning of time, twins have delighted and fascinated. Sometimes they speak secret languages. Other times they meet at sleep away camp and switch places. But whatever hijinks a set of identical twins find themselves embroiled in, it is guaranteed to be a laugh a minute romp. The same is true, here, in the Big Brother House. Production secretly plopped in the most fraternal looking of identical twins and the house has rebelled. It has become a united burping farting life force - like that house in Poltergeist - and it wants those twins out. OUT! Hold on to your shared placentas, bitches, it's time for a recap!

Before we get to all the overnight shenanigans, let's take care of some light housekeeping. Our HOH Shelli had nominated Johnny Mac and Day for eviction. Johnny Mac won the POV and removed himself from the block. Shelli has (thank god!) put Merry Meg up in his place. I am not a fan of thee faire Merry Meg. Her incessant smiles and constant need to be in a supine position are signs of weakness in my eyes. She has yet to do anything interesting in the house and, therefore, I think her time would be better spent at the bottom of a lake with large cement blocks tied around her ankles.

Day on the block has sent cries of injustice throughout the BB fan base. It's like April in Baltimore out there in the #BB17 hashtag. Fans wondered if perhaps the Kathy Griffin Last Laugh Twist could save her. Day herself turned the camera on numerous occasions begging for a Coup D'etat or for Haymitch to send her some ointment for her burns. Look, I want Day to stay too. I find her to be incredibly entertaining, but I don't want there to be any cheating! I hate it when Big Brother interferes. It is an insult to fans. Hello Clown Shoe?! What I do want is for Day to get off her ass and start playing the game. I want her to campaign for votes and make deals. She is most certainly not in an impossible position. With a little hard work and smooth talking anyone can find a way to save themselves, but it requires effort. Effort that Day doesn't seem all that willing to give.

This brings us to yesterday when the feeds when down for a spell in the middle of the afternoon. Was this it? Was this the Last Laugh? Yes, indeedy it was. We don't really know how it worked or exactly what went down, but we do know that Day got the 7th call which means that she gets to nix 3 votes. Day's victory made Clay think that the game is rigged. And, let's face it, it is a tad convenient that Day won, what sounded like to me, a game of chance. But you know me, I think everything is a conspiracy with Production's sticky syrup-y fingers all over it. Conspiracy Corner!

Nonetheless! Day won the Twist. Some fans think it'll save her. Others think it won't make a lick of difference because she still doesn't have the votes to stay. My opinion is somewhere in the middle I guess. The Twist victory certainly helps, but Day still needs 5 votes. I think they're perfectly feasible to get, but not unless she gets off her ass and starts campaigning.

And this brings us to yesterday afternoon when, all of a sudden, Day mentions that she thinks Liz is two people. Liz and Julia definitely switched places yesterday and Day has taken notice. She says that one of the twins is thicker than the other. One has a skinny face and the other one has a fat pie face. Day takes her theory to Jason who wholeheartedly agrees with her. Jason says that one of the Liz's talks to him and the other one doesn't. Plus, he's noticed that one doesn't fit into her jeans quite as well as the other one does. The two decide to question Liz on earlier conversations that have taken place in order to trip her up.

If we fast forward a bit into the night, Jason has now become obsessed with this twin thing. He is absolutely convinced that there is a Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz. Day had originally wanted to keep her discovery on the down low in case she could use it , but young Jason is the chatty type and the lad needs to gossip. He heads into the Have-Not and awakens Merry Meg from her 85th nap of the day. He tells her awl about Skinny Liz and Chunky Liz and how Chunky Liz is much nicer than Skinny Liz. Merry Meg widens her eyes at this information. Day then enters and confirms that two Liz's are running amok. Even their eye color is different. They tell Merry Meg to study Liz closely. Ok hold up! Of all the people to tell about Liz, why would you tell the other bitch on the block? I haven't the foggiest how this twin revelation can help Day stay in the game, but I feel like it was a little reckless to tell Merry Meg. If your ass is on the line, you should use any advantage you have to get votes to stay. Am I crazy?

Fast forwarding even more into the wee hours of the morn, the Twin Twist is still in the forefront of Day and Jason's mind. Especially Jason's. He just can't wait to squeal and spill the tea. Sitting in the backyard we have Jason, Day, Jeff, Merry Meg, James and Jackie. Jason begins by clapping his hands and jumping up and down. He starts, "Day came to me and said this bitch..." And then the feeds go down and go to Jerf. WHAT ARE YOU DOING PRODUCTION?! GODDAMN YOU!!!

Almost a full two minutes later, the feeds return. Jason is still kicking and screaming all over the place, "They-ah's two of 'em! They-ah's two of 'em!" James suddenly recalls a conversation he once had with Liz where she said she had a sister who looked like her. Jason chimes in, "I bet she does!" Doofus Jeff interrupts and asks, "Wait, are we just being conspiracy theorists?" Merry Meg replies, "No! We might be crazy, but we're not that crazy." She then tells a story about how one Liz didn't remember the details of a story once told to the other Liz. Day confirms they've tripped up Mystery Liz a bunch of times over inconsistencies in what she can recall. Listening to everyone compare stories, Jeff finally starts to believe them. Jason once again leaps up off the couch, "It's a fact! Look at awl the cam-rah's watchin' us!" Then Doofus Jeff asks, "Do you have a Sharpie? We can put a special mark on her." Everyone promptly laughs at the Doofus.

Day then takes it upon herself to describe in detail how the two Liz's are different. One has a more chunky face. The other has a more pointed nose. The Skinny One's eyes are... Jason then interrupts, "The Skinny One is he-ah tah-day. The fat one was he-ah yestah-day. They switched tah-day when they cawled her to the Diary Room. I am positive!" Day continues to try to explain the nuances of the Skinny vs. Chunky Liz differences, but Jason keeps interrupting her. He again jumps up and says that in Big Brother 5 if they made it 5 weeks, both twins get to come in and play the game. Listening to all of this James comes to a realization himself, "So that's why she's always sending me mixed signals." Dude, shut your hole! Neither Liz wants you! Neither Liz will ever want you.

They group continues to dissect Liz's memory skills. They tell Jeff how she couldn't remember who she played the night before on the podcast (the house does a fake podcast at night). They tried quizzing her and she couldn't remember until Jackie jumped in and gave her the answer. Apparently, in the last podcast Liz played a drunken Ellen. In tonight's podcast, Liz didn't participate at all. Jason says, "The fat one is funny. The skinny one is here to be in S.I. (Sports Illustrated)" Doofus Jeff says, "The fat one wants to get down." Jason immediately smacks him with a pillow, "We need to get these bitches out! This is the twist! No one wants to screw you!"

Merry Meg then chimes in that they should change the names from Fat Liz and Skinny Liz because those names are rude. Jason suggests Thighs Liz and No Thighs Liz.

The backyard conversation continues for another half hour, but let's leap ahead to where Doofus Jeff is in the HOH filling in Shelli and Clay on the Twin Twist. He tells them everything Day and Jason were saying out in the backyard about the differences between the two Liz's. Shelli says that every time the girls have a nail party, Liz always paints her nails the exact same color while the others switch up their colors. Shelli's voice begins to rise with her excitement, "This is so cool!" Shelli asks Jeff when he first began to notice all of this. Jeff says today because she wasn't as flirty as she usually use. Dude, you are a doofus! NO ONE IS FLIRTING WITH YOU. And let's not forget that Jeff thought this was all a conspiracy theory less than an hour ago. He's such a creeper.

So now that almost the entire house knows, they all meet at the Memory Wall to do some final investigating. It is unmistakable. There are TWO Liz's! The group giggles, high fives, jumps and whoops. Jason announces, "I'd bet my stipend on it!" It's a fun scene where the group is thinking up all sorts of funny ways to tell the Liz's apart. They could mark her, they could cut her hair, they could hide her shit, etc. If you haven't gotten your Live Feeds yet, today is the day to do it. The house is bubbling with excitement over how they'll trip up Liz. Each HG is taking weird ownership over the discovery and is determined to prove the multiple Liz's once and for all. It's going to be awesome!

Don't miss a Liz minute!



And, don't forget, if you need to do any shopping at Amazon, I'd appreciate you getting there via any of my links on the right hand side of the page. Thanks!

Meg: Dart Gun, Stat!

Next up is 25 year old Shouter Server Meg Maley from New York City.

Please to enjoy:

(Video Courtesy of Big Brother Network)

WOW! SHE'S AN EXCITED LITTLE THING ISN'T SHE? If I could shoot an animal tranquilizer gun through the screen and get her to slowly tip over like an African elephant, I would. I don't trust overwhelming happiness like hers. It's unnatural and scary. I suggest an exorcism to wipe that stupid smile off her face and make her just as miserable as the rest of us. She'll be the one that giggles and shouts answers back to Julie during the live broadcasts.

You guys, this isn't normal! People who are that happy all the time have secrets to hide. Open Meg's closet and a pile of skeletons will come tumbling out. That one there is from that summer when she tried to drown her little brother because he stole her diary and posted it on the internet. That other one next to it is from when she microwaved the neighbor's cat in order to feel remorse. It didn't work. This chick only feels one thing and it's an unnatural and, quite frankly, scary enjoyment of life.

Not feeling this one at all.


Big Brother starts THIS WEEK!