Burning Embers

Good day Big Brother fans. Seen any good 8 minute long commercials lately? Yeah, me neither. A quitter is a quitter is a quitter. Moving on...

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't watch too much of the live feeds yesterday. This new cast is a giant festering pile of dogshit and I don't know if you've ever spent a lot of time watching a giant festering pile of dogshit, but it's not as fun as one might imagine it to be. However, there is one good thing that came out of my frustrations yesterday. I have found my anger center. Yoga practictioners try to awaken their kundalini, people from the Orient try to harness their Chi'i, but I, on the other hand, strive to ignite the glistening burning embers of my soul. If you heard a crackling popping noise yesterday, that was my anger center getting all fired up. What I bring you today isn't really a recap, it's more of a "I fucking hate these people!" ramble. Let's do it, shall we?

First things first, Rachel and Brendon kept the nominations the same and Keef and Dodge are still up for eviction.

I'm going to start today with Kalia. Kalia hails from a land called Suckfest. In Suckfest, not only is openly belching into another person's face considered commonplace, it's encouraged. One could be having a conversation with Kalia about their uncle dying a slow and painful death from pancreatic cancer and homegirl would open her giant trap and release a gutteral rumbling so loud and noxious it would make your eyes water and the tiny hairs inside your nose sizzle. Kalia once compared herself to Carrie Bradshaw. First off, sitting in a coffee shop writing blogs doesn't make you a successful author with people pining to be you. If it did, I'd be Stephen King sitting around one of my country estates wondering how to spend my millions. Instead I'm sitting here with my laptop resting on my knees as I soak my feet in my bathtub full of gin. Kalia also told us she'd be fierce and unafraid to speak her mind. I ask you dear readers, how fierce is this?




I expected sass. I expected irrational anger. All I got was a stray homeless woman trying to keep warm against the temperate climate of California.



And, let's be honest here, would Carrie Bradshaw ever allow herself to look like this. She's a brick... HOUSE!



If Miss Sophia from The Color Purple wore a hot pink bikini, she'd look like the above photo. Kalia sucks. The valley girl voice, the quiet contentment, the insecurity around the Oldies... it all adds up to a slot taken up by someone I don't want to spend my summer watching. At least Chima spoke her mind. Sure, she looked like a Bratz doll on crack and acted like an insufferable prima donna, but she was honest and fiery and gave me something to talk about. Kalia gives me nothing. The "wait and see" strategy she's using may make sense in her mind, but it makes my ass twitch. Kalia is a beige wall. A plastic fern in a doctor's office. She's a bran flake. A grape nut. She's a saltine stuck on the roof of your mouth the day all the Earth's water evaporated into thin air. I tried to like you Kalia, but I just can't. If you change my mind, I'll happily give you credit. Until then, go crawl back under your homeless lady blanket and stop wasting my time.




Next up in today's tongue lashing is Shelly/Babs. I gave Babs a pass because the softball coach/Harley riding thing was funny in the beginning. The southern accent coupled with the Holly Hunter talking out of the side of the mouth thing was endearing at first, but now it's just making my brain bleed. Instead of forming alliances amongst the Newbies to take down the Oldies, she's got her tongue up Jeff's ass and is perfectly content letting the game float right by her. Shelly's main contribution to this summer of horrors is her war on grime. Whether it be a drop of iced tea, a caked on piece of slop or years of hard water stains on a mean piece of tile grout, Shelly will attack that bitch with all guns blazing. She's armed with her broom, a wad of steel wool and two Swiffers in her belt loops. I dare you dirt. I dare you to show your ugly face when Shelly enters the room. Not even a festive drinking game of "I Never" can deter Shelly's focus. If Swiffer had an Olympic competition, Shelly would be the champion of the world. Until then, she's the Big Brother housekeeper. Plain and simple.



Next on my list of shitty shitfaces is Adam, the man who thinks a primal scream makes interesting television viewing. Throaty, grumbling and burly, if Adam really aspired to be like that quitter I will no longer name, then why isn't he gathering the Newbies to orchestrate a gigantic upset to oust the Oldies? Instead he's standing in the middle of the lawn spinning the douchey top that he is.

This brings me to Cassi. I actually like Cassi and she's playing the game all of the Newbies should be playing. She's working on a way to split up Rachel & Brendon and Jeff & Jordan. The problem is that her useless squishy turdface cohorts are traitors who run and tell the Oldies everything she's planning. Late last night the Swiffer Champ Of America ran up to the HOH and told Rachel of Cassi's plan to split up the Oldies. She also spilled that Lawon wants to keep Keef in the house as well. After a long night of fitful sleeping I'm beginning to wonder myself if keeping Keef is the way to go. If somewhere down the line it protects Cassi and Lawon, I'm ok with it. The problem is that Keef is the most untrustworthy player in the game and he uh uh uh d-d-d-drives me uh uh uh insane. He shouldn't have turned on Lawon like he did the other day - especially after what we saw last night on CBS. But the more I think about it, the more I think keeping Toyota Corolla in the game is a bad idea. She's strong in competitions, but lacking in brain power which makes her not an obvious threat, but someone who could very easily sneak by and find herself in the final four.


Another person who'll sneak right by to the end is Jordan. Lazy, ineffectual, cupcake sprinkles for brains Jordan. Here's what's going to happen: Jeff and Jordan will go on the block at some point and Jeff, who's clearly the stronger player, will be the obvious target. Jordan couldn't win a competition if it sat on her face and squirted out cookie dough. Already the Oldies are planning to throw comps to the poor girl and that's why I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this blonde joke to the sanctity of Big Brother walks away with another $500,000. Think about it. The second Rachel gets on that block and is unable to get herself off, she's toast. As much as I love to hate on Rachel, the girl is a fierce competitor. The only reason I'm tolerating her so far this season is because of the glaring blackhole of nothingness I'm seeing in almost all of the other players. Rachel is jealous, insecure, annoying, vomit inducing and all the rest of it, but she loves herself some Big Brother. In comparison to the lifeless blob that is Jordan, even I can have a droplet of respect for Rachel.



As for Lawon, I still like him as a person. I just don't know if he's really the sleeper I made him out to be. He's the one speck of glitter in this drabby poop colored room that is Big Brother 13 and I just can't not like him. He makes me smile, he's honest and I want him to be my pageant coach if I ever enter the Miss Bitch Of America pageant. So, stick around Lawon. I want to have my first Mint Julep with you while we talk about if there really is a thing as too many rhinestones on a shirt.

That's all I got today folks. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! If you checked out Famous Food last night or want to watch Jordan beach herself to another victory, click on the link below and get yourselves some feeds dammit.

It's Stammertime!

What a difference a day makes? When the day before yesterday all we had to work with was Brenchel counting the blades of grass and Jordan morphing into a pillow sham, yesterday blessed us with a hotbed of activity. Keef (that's Keith's new name) done lost his e'erluvin' mind while Dum Dom (that's Dominic) is going around the house thinking he's a BB legend even though he's only been playing the game (and I use "playing the game" very loosely) for about a week. The whispers creeped out from the beneath the floorboards. The hushes hid underneath the beds. But oh the stammers. The sta-sta a'sta-sta,-stam it on the one, sta-sta-stam wich yo bad self, a'sta-sta... It's Stammertime! Let's a re-re-recap, a sha-sha-shall we?

We begin our beautious BB day with Keef setting his sights on a new target: Lawon. Kapow! (Kapows just naturally follow Lawon wherever he goes) Keef's mission is to get his own ass off the block and offer up Lawon's as a replacement. Now, I know I've been sleeping a lot throughout most of the season, but I'm not exactly sure where Keef's anger for Lawon stems from. Kalia thinks it's because Keef wants to be the "The Token". As in, the token black man whereas Lawon thinks that Crocs make completely suitable daytime footwear (they don't). Whatever the reason is really doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's stammertime and Keef is a kerfluffle of spittle and mooshmouth. When he gets going, grab a slicker. You're gonna need it.

So Lawon is sitting outside on the hammock minding his own business when Dum Dom skips over and asks him what he thinks about this week's vote. It's already taken care of as far as Lawon is concerned. Way back on day one or so, Lawon shook Keith's hand and that was all it took. Lawon, come hell or high water, come backstabbing or bus rolling, absolutely will not vote out Keith this week. A hand shake is gold to one Mr. Lawon Exum. A hand shake separates the fabulous from the not so fabulous. Lawon - kapow! - I love you babydoll, but you're doing exactly what Jameeka did back in BB8 to Jen Johnson. You need to learn the famous saying by Benjamin Franklin: "Handshake shmamshake."

Meanwhile Keef has begun his "Lawon is the devil" publicity tour and he's hitting up all the big players with his "homina homina's" and his "uh uh uh's." It would take an eternity for me to transcribe it all and, in all honesty, I'm actually considering banning Keef from my feeds - I can't take it anymore! The spit, the gums flapping, the quivering hands and the shifty eyes - I just can't do it. Basically, all you need to know is Keef wants his ass off the block and Lawon's on and he'll do anything and say anything he has to in order to make that happen.





So while Keef is busy trying to make Lawon look bad, Dum Dom is on a very different sort of crusade. He wants to talk a little shop with the oldies. Jeff, Jordan and Brendon are all chilling at the pool when up saunters Dominic with his Target t-shirt, his faux Ray-Ban's and his little cubic zirconia adorning his ears. He begins with what I like to call some "softball questions". It goes something like this, "Who do you think is the biggest threat on our side? You know you're all targets, right? Why would I want to team up with you while you're all targets? Can you teach me how to play Big Brother?" Seriously, if you didn't see it, flashback that bitch (around 1:30 BBT Sat.) because the awkward cocky defiance coupled with the reactions from the oldies is worth it's weight in gold. Dominic isn't a dumb guy in that he's figuring out that BB is a numbers game, but he's a fucking idiot when it comes to feeling out his opponents and coming up with some sort of social game. Watching it I had a reaction very similar to how I would suspect Boston Rob would react. It went something like, "Use the POV. Get Dom out. Stat." You just can't let some kid saunter up to you, call you a target and then walk away. How much clearer can his agenda get? Even Brendon said, "Do you even hear what you're saying?"

After Dum Dom plowed through the backyard he headed inside to steal a word or two with Daniele. Get this - he wants Daniele to vote to keep Keef in the house so Keef remains a target. Daniele immediately objects knowing that having Keef wandering around safe for the next 4 weeks is a bad idea for everyone. Then... THEN Dom says that wouldn't it be better for Daniele if the couples (Rachel/Brendon & Jeff/Jordan) were split. *clutches pearls* Who is this kid? Either he has gigantic rhinocerous balls or tiny little snowflakes for brains. Daniele didn't really give Dom a response and yes, in the future, it would serve her well to have the couples split, but right now, while she's safe yet still essentially powerless, she can't go into the final 8 surrounded by mostly newbies. She needs to have some oldies to back her up and since Rachel and Brendon are much bigger targets than Daniele, they serve as a decent buffer.

Up in the HOH room Jeff proposes to the other oldies that they bring in another team they can trust. He submits they open their arthritic arms to Cassi and Shelly. He spoke with Cassi earlier and discovered that she is not in an alliance with Dum Dom and is in fact pretty cool and smart. The crew already likes Shelly so this acquisition of a newbie duo makes sense. They bring Shelly upstairs, show her the secret handshake (it's a lot of fist pumping mixed in with a pimple cream applying mime) and it's a done deal. Shelly and Cassi are now in an alliance with the oldies.

Shelly leaves and Rachel suggests they have a house meeting to settle the Keef/Lawon thing once and for all. Daniele calls house meetings, like everything else in life, "stupid", but Brendon and Rachel are hellbent on figuring out if any of Keef's stammers hold any truth. Apparently, he's saying that Lawon said Jeff & Jordan laughed when Dick left, told everyone Keef wasn't really a matchmaker and said that Kalia didn't have Keef's best interest in heart. To be honest, it's all petty bullshit. It's just the stammerings of a desperate and very annoying young man. Here's my thoughts on Keef: I take one look at him doing his arm raising, spitting, stammering routine and I know he's lying. And if he's not lying then he's certainly not coming from a place of happiness. He's a creepy Christian with nothing but pussy on his mind. It's disturbing. Hey, I watch a lot of Investigation Discovery and believe me, it's always the pastors or deacons who seduce the women in the congregation. On Investigation Discovery they usually kill the women too, but I don't think we're quite there yet with Keef. Right now the lad just wants a piece of ass, lily white ass.


So, the stage is set. Brendon and Rachel needle Keef into confronting Lawon in the backyard. It went something like this, "Uh uh uh ummm you uh uh uh LIAR!" Lawon sat there confused at first and then it dawned on him real quick what Keef was doing to him. It was awkward and kind of painful to watch. Lawon denied all the fake allegations and openly admitted to the real ones Keef had completely blown out of proportion while Rachel and Brendon sat in stony silence quite pleased with themselves. That smug bitchassness wouldn't last long though because the very public mockery those two chose to make of it all sent my precious pony, Lawon, running inside and crying. The sky got cloudy, unicorns impaled themselves, fairies fell from the sky one by one and a fabulicious black man cried his little heart out.

Lawon doesn't lie. He doesn't roll like that. That's not how he wants to play the game. That's not his bag, ya hear? Don't you EVER accuse Lawon of spreading falsities across this great land of hours. Because you know what you'll get? You'll get a handsomfied, lovified, pimpified chocolate morsel of deliciousness ready to treat the world like it's his own catwalk. That's what you'll get people. Werd. *snap snap snap* Kapow! Oh, and that handshake thing from earlier? Well, Lawon listened to my good friend Benjamin Franklin and it's null and void bitches. Null and void. Kapow again!

Whoosh. Splat. Kerplunk! This all brings us to BBAD where a superhero production is playing out. Dum Dom is Dominus (I'm completely offended that he probably got the idea for the name from Spartacus - that's my show dammit) and Brendon is some sort of caped crusader. It was merry and fun with Lawon narrating and Cassi providing the soundtrack. The turtle Franklin needed saving and hijinks ensued. There were bloopers, stunts and a rump shakin' booty dance. Most of the house served as the audience, but Keef chose to grumble to himself on the hammock instead.

Adam joins Keef in Hammock Land and the two begin to discuss the days events. Adam is adamant (Ha!) that Keef needs to shut the fuck up and stop stirring the pot. Keef's ever so eloquent response is "uh um uh bu-bu-but I'm tryin' t-t-t-t-to save myself." Adam growls, takes a drag of his cig and replies, "But you're only making the target on yourself bigger." Keef retorts, "I-I-I-I'm what?!?" It's insufferable. Truly it is. I take back what I said earlier about getting Dom out now. Keef needs to go. He's no real threat or anything but he's driving ME batshit crazy. Allow me to illustrate exactly how batshit crazy he makes me. This should put it all into perspective. I'd rather watch Rachel and Brendon fight, cry and make up for the rest of the summer than watch Keef hold a conversation for 30 seconds. I've got hot pokers and shish kabob spears on permanent stand by. I HATE KEEF!

For this next segment I think I'll just stick my head into a burlap sack of rabid foot long rats and try to type. Dum Dom and Keef are in the Star Wars Room where Keef has decided that he has the entire game completely figured out. This rocket scientist is uh uh uh absolutely certain that his uh-uh buddy Dom and Cassi are uh-uh in with the oldies. Dom says, "Absolutely not. I've been 100% honest with you. I've told you this from day one. I'm voting for Porsche." Keef's tongue swallows his whole head and he says, "You-you-you aligned with them and made a deal a-a-a-a-uh-uh fine lily white ass, you lyin'!" Essentially here's what happened: Keef saw Dom playing with Brendon outside and now he thinks Dom is in an alliance with the oldies. He couldn't be more wrong as the oldies don't trust Dom in the least bit. Dom, as a matter of fact, is on their short list of who to get out of the house. It's almost comical how wrong Keef is. Somehow he's managed to not only piss off all of his adversaries, but he's managed to alienate his friends too. It takes a very skillfully ignorant mouthbreather to pull that off. Congratulations Keef. You win my Mouth Breather Of The Day award.

The rest of the night was a lot of chitchat about food, dating, smoking, etc. There was one little tasty nugget though. Jordan revealed that Dick called Jeff after finding out he was returning to the show. Can you say "cheater"? Speaking of Dick, he'll be making a statement today about what went down. My guess is that it all has to do with Daniele. I think he realized that the house wasn't making their relationship any better and out of some sort of latent fatherly obligation, he left. I think it was probably emotional and I'm going to predict we see tears from the DR next Wednesday. If I'm right, I wonder if he got his full paycheck. Returning HG's get a lot more than the $750 a week my friends. I'm predicting Dick gets a decent edit, emerges as the damaged dutiful father and the relationship he's trying so hard to mend will never really amount to much. Daniele is cold. Very cold. I don't know what goes on between these two or what went on in the past, but I don't think quitting Big Brother is enough to mend it. That's just my two cents. I guess we'll see how it all plays out soon enough. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

It looks like the game is officially on. Yesterday was one of those live feed days you hope for. Don't miss out on all the uh-uh-uh madness. Try the free trial and check it out for yourselves! ALSO, Famous Food behind the scenes footage is coming tomorrow (I think) to Superpass. The show premieres tonight on VH-1. I don't know about you, but I miss Daniele Staub. The Real Housewives of New Jersey just isn't the same without her.