Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon

Yesterday on The Adventures Of Kalia's Intestinal Tract, the houseguests clung to the inner lining and prayed to the baby Jesus that another potato chip wouldn't send them all flying down to the poop chute. It's bad enough having to deal with the terrible wind gusts, but a potato chip could mean curtains for these 10 trapped souls. It's jagged edges would pluck them off one by one into the murky swampy bowl that marks the end of the line. Daniele was heard to mutter "Oh my god, like literally this is so stupid!" Meanwhile, Rachel adjusted her giant straw hat foolishly thinking it would be protection enough against a giant ridged Lay's. Elsewhere, Jordan whispered to Jeff, "I hope she don't dip it in guacamole cuz then we're really in trouble" while further down the tract Shelly took some steel wool out of her pocket and began to furiously scrub anything and everything she could find. Like the houseguests, we too are mere victims of this beast's eating habits. If one more "nom nom nom" or "chomp chomp chomp" comes through my headphones, I'm gonna be like that deaf kid on The Amazing Race. Ma... ma... hellllp. Twisty and turny, coiled and festering, Kalia's colon is a little like the Big Brother 13 house itself. It's very stinky, it's full of hot air and, eventually, everyone inside of it will be flushed out. Let's recap, shall we?



Since the last time we met, Brendon did not use the veto, Adam & Dominic are still on the block and Kalia has singlehandedly crippled the Idaho potato market. Speaking of the human trash compactor, she's another one who thinks Big Brother will make her famous when she leaves the house. Famous like those people who eat all the hot dogs on the 4th of July or famous like that Ruby lady who never loses any weight? I'm not sure, but famous is what Kalia wants to be. Brendon & Shelly scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. Shelly can't imagine anyone in the "famous-making" industry wanting to deal with a messy high maintenance nightmare like Kalia. She never cooks. She never cleans. All she does is bitch bitch bitch about how things aren't up to her standards. Brendon bets she'll even complain about the Jury house. Shelly wonders how she'll fare in a house without a Diary Room she can run to whenever she feels the slightest ache or pain. You see, the second Kalia feels the hint of a bit of discomfort she runs to the DR to request a myriad of over the counter drugs. Midol, Motrin, Tylenol, Ex-Lax, Immodium, Benadryl, etc. Pain and Kalia don't mix. Bread and Kalia mix. Pretzels and Kalia mix. Frosting and Kalia mix. A giant vat of sour cream and Kalia mix. But alas, pain and Kalia do not mix. Here's a thought: Stop stuffing your insides to kingdom come and maybe the pain will subside, you giant blowhole! The only way Kalia is even a smidgen of Carrie Bradshaw is if she ate the entire cast of Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker is still trapped somewhere inside of her lower intestines. Fare thee well SJP!



Moving on... Lawon is outside with Brendon hearing for the very first time that there is a game of Big Brother going on. Brendon is telling him how several people in the house, namely his very own partner, have thrown him under the bus and blamed him for conspiring against the Oldies. Lawon fans himself furiously with some peacock feathers and requests a mint julep. All of this is news to him. After a few sips of the sweet nectar, Lawon composes himself and prepares for battle. He tells Brendon that he's going balls to the wall (which I think means throwing a white lacy handkerchief into the backyard and surrendering) for this next HOH. Brendon asks him who he'll nominate and Lawon, without hesitation, says Kalia. He wants to "slice off the fat" so naturally Kalia is the logical choice. Brendon asks Lawon if he's heard about how Kalia has been badmouthing him since day one. Lawon clutches his pearls and says he had no idea. He think Kalia must be targetting him because of his overwhelming fabulosity. Brendon agrees and pushes Lawon for a little more info before he trots off to his DAR meeting.


Lawon tells Brendon that Dominic kept him up all night kissing his ass. Even though Lawon has every intention of voting Dom out, he told the virginal sprite to keep fighting and defend himself. Brendon nods and then asks about Daniele. What has she been saying all night? Lawon sips his cocktail and says that Daniele really hasn't said much of anything. In fact, she tried to change the subject when the Late Night Crew tried to discuss game. Brendon shakes his head and says it doesn't sound like her. Lawon thinks some more and remembers that Daniele did ask about Shelly. Lawon thinks the girls in the house are intimidated by Shelly. Brendon disagrees. He thinks Shelly is more of a mom figure. The conversation ends with two kisses on the cheek and the fluffing of some petticoats. Brendon seems pleased with Lawon's loyalty and Lawon is late for his facial.



The day continued on somewhat slowly and after hours of contemplation, Dominic comes to terms with the fact that he should probably talk to the Oldies before he leaves the house. He heads up to the HOH to explain himself. He begins by saying that he knows he's going home, but he just wants them (Jeff, Brendon, Rachel) to hear him out first. Dominic insists that he was not the one who came up with the plan to backdoor Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care who came up with the plan. All he cares about is that Dominic was a part of it and did nothing to stop it. Dominic can't believe he's being punished for something that wasn't even his idea. Jeff calls him an "accessory" and says if he was so against the backdoor plan then he should have reported Daniele to the Oldies and filed a restraining order. Jeff also wants to know why Dom has been avoiding him all week. He waited until one hour before the veto meeting to finally approach Jeff and even then he was lying and playing dumb when Jeff tried to pump him for info about the backdoor plan. Dominic doesn't understand why it matters when he approached Jeff. Who cares if it was an hour before the veto ceremony? He says, "Big deal!" Jeff replies that it is a big deal. Timing is everything and you don't wait until the 11th hour to try to save yourself in this game. Dominic still doesn't get it. He insists he's just an innocent lamb in all of this. Daniele is his friend and he was just hanging out with her. It was never anything more than that. *cough* Bullshit *cough*


Rachel says they had planned on keeping Dom all along. The kept him when he voted against them week one. They kept him when he didn't help them in week 2. They were ok with the fact that he removed himself from the block in week 3. Dominic insists he'll be loyal from here on out. Jeff scoffs and asks how many chances can one guy get? There's no way they can keep Dominic in the house. Firstly, he has a terrible track record of not doing what the Oldies want. Secondly, he didn't report to Jeff everything Daniele has ever said ever in this game. Thirdly, he's still friends with Daniele after she completely fucked up his game. Dominic shakes his head and still doesn't understand why he's being punished for something Daniele did. He inists he's a "strong weapon" that can be used to their advantage. Rachel tells him that since they can't take out Daniele, they have to take out her closest ally and that would be Dominic. Again, Dom says they're just friends not allies.


Brendon asks Dominic if he won HOH, who would he put up. Dominic says Shelly. He hates that bitch. THEN he literally says, "I won't put up Daniele this week and I probably won't put her up the week after that", but pretty please can they just trust him that he's a loyal follower of the Oldies? Dominic is a putz. Sure, he could possibly take down the Oldies if teamed up with the right people, but when he argues with them he simply refuses to tell them what they want to hear. The key with the veterans is to just make them happy. Suck up your pride and lay on the compliments thick. Like Shelly! Shelly probably hates Brendon & Rachel with a burning passion, but they'd never know it because she's playing smart. She's being nice. She's not rocking the boat. She chooses what to reveal and what to keep secret. Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito. It just spews and spews and spews. There's no filter. There's no "Would it be wise for me to withhold this information?" It's just, "Here's what I'm doing... I know you hate Daniele and want her dead, but I have no intention of getting her out of the house. But pretty please trust me that I'm on your side." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It must be immaturity. He hasn't learned the finesse of the shmooze. No wonder he hasn't gotten a chick into bed yet.


Like Kalia's food baby, the conversation is very circular. Jeff doesn't understand why Dominic didn't report the backdoor plan, Dominic says it wasn't his plan to report, Jeff tells him it's guilt by association, Dominic pledges his loyalty from here on out. Over and over, round and round. During about the eighteenth incarnation of the same bullshit, Jeff tells Dominic he killed his dog and bringing him a new dog isn't going to make it any better. In version nineteen, Jeff says it's like Dominic has an STD and why would he want to fuck someone with an STD? Dominic claims his STD is curable and so on and so forth. He tries to lay blame on Shelly, but no one is really buying it. It's clear he's looking for a scapegoat and Shelly was the wrong person to pick. Shelly hasn't led the entire house in an anti-Oldie march since day one. Shelly has voted how the Oldies wanted her to vote. And, most importantly, Shelly tells them precisely what they want to hear. They have no reason to doubt her yet whereas Dominic has a track record like Kalia's colon after a cornucopia of starches. Sometimes it's all knotted up and sometimes it gushes a foul stream of half liquid/half chunky fecal matter. Dominic is simply all over the place. He may be a home-schooled virgin, but the innocence ends there. He's a cocky son of a bitch who hasn't acquired the street smarts to know how to manipulate people in a believable fashion. He's like a little boy trying on his dad's oversized suit. He's a joke you take a picture of and then laugh at a later date and nothing more.



The conversation accomplishes nothing more than the Oldies waving around their muscles and Dominic begging for forgiveness. When it was over, Dominic left angry that his mad manipulating skills *flashes gang sign* didn't work yo. He whizzes past Daniele, mumbles something about not wanting to talk and then goes outside to benchpress some twigs. Daniele tells Kalia she's worried about what went on in the HOH room. She wonders how much Dominic told them. Kalia mumbles something in Valley Girl so I whipped off my headphones and headed to the liquor cabinet. Listening to Kalia speak is like listening to her eat. Like I said last night on Twitter, it's as if my skull cap has been removed and my exposed brain is being petted by Freddie Krueger. It's Enzo eating meets Brendon swallowing multiplied by Dick spitting. It's the stuff nightmares are made of and now I'm scared to sleep. Thanks for nothing Kalia.



Eventually, Daniele and Dominic have their long awaited conversation. Dominic says he's "so over it"and Daniele says she's the only one playing the game. Hold up there Pocahantas. You haven't competed. You haven't made alliances. You came up with a plan that will lead to your demise and you spend your days sleeping. If this is the Bizarro World, then, sure, you're playing. I'm sorry to say that this is Planet Earth and playing Big Brother actually entails a little more than sitting around calling everything "stupid". As much as I hate to admit it, the only people really playing the game are Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Shelly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Shelly is playing the social game Daniele should have been playing. Shelly's been safe since week 2, but she's not lying around whispering with her virgin. She's planting seeds, she's securing alliances, she's making friends and, most importantly, she's observing. Daniele hides herself under a comforter and claims to be a master at the game of Big Brother. You can't be a master if you don't know what's going on. You can't be a master if all you hear is what your peons are willing to tell you. You've got to get up and do the work.


Now, one would think that knowing her entire alliance is against her and realizing that her only friend in the house is about to go home would put Daniele on the blood riddled path to revenge. Surprisingly, she's still weighing her options. She flat out tells Dominic that she's not sure if she should nominate the Oldies if she wins HOH. Como what? They want your head on a spike, but now even you won't nominate them? *throws hands in the air* Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!

Before I end this, I'd like to talk a little bit more about Shelly. Not everyone is seeing the magic of this leathery goddess. I could try to convince you, but I don't need to. Last night, in a gorgeous conversation with Kalia, Shelly with nary a smoky exhale, annihilated everything Kalia believed to be true. In one fell swoop, Shelly made Kalia cry, doubt everything she's ever been told and left her floundering like a fish out of a barrell. Shelly fully admits to being one of the votes that took out Keith and asks Kalia why she thinks Daniele is tight with her all of a sudden. It's a delicate seed planting process that causes Kalia much grief and doubt. Shelly also says a bunch of stuff about not lying which, for some reason, rubbed some Big Brother (McFly? Hello!) fans the wrong way. Lying is what we do here folks. Big Brother isn't a Christian Camp for do-gooders. It's a game for a half a million dollars. It's silly to expect Shelly not to do what she needs to do to play it. If she gets caught in her lies, then it becomes her problem, but so far she's pretty unscathed.

Anyhow, Shelly tells Kalia to be careful who she talks to. She implies that the alliances Kalia has made so far are pretty much made out of giant piles of cow dung. Kalia cries and says she doesn't know who to trust. Shelly straight shoots her with some bumper sticker wisdom and tells her to watch her back when it comes to Daniele. The Oldies don't care for Daniele. Therefore, they won't care for people who associate with her. Look at Dominic. Where did that friendship get him? Kalia seems to listen and absorb it all, but I doubt she'll act on it. I think at this point she's too scared to go against Daniele and team up with Shelly. It's a mistake she'll later regret. Kalia will not make it much farther in this game and her association with Daniele (or maybe the pungent stench that follows her around) could be precisely what sends her home. Whatever it is, I think it'll happen sooner rather than later and aren't we all a little thankful for that?

And that's where we'll end this today. Tomorrow is my Thursday day off and I'm thinking as long as Brendon, Jeff or Jordan don't win HOH, Thursday night and Friday will be hotbeds of activity. Dominic will go home and the big question on everyone's mind is whether or not a player will return to the game. Keith and Cassi are still in sequester. Does that mean something? It could. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? Comment it out bitches and I'll see you back here on Friday!

Holding Out For A Hero

Through the vacuous wasteland that is Big Brother 13 a hero begins to emerge. A spindly crotchety exhaust pipe of a woman who speaks in bumper stickers and positive affirmations. She'll ride over the prairie with a rifle in her teeth and kill an antelope with one arm tied behind her back. She'll sell you the rights to hunt in the Congo, teach you how to fly-fish in Montana and, after all is said and done, she'll ride home, wash your linens, Swiffer your kitchen, freshen up the tile grout and cook you a hearty meal. She's not a supermodel and she's not a young whipper snipper, but she's got a Meg Ryan coif and a mean smokin' habit. It's Shelly! Shelly. She's been here all along yet we've sort of let her slip through our fingers. No more! I'm scooping her up and placing her on my mantel - bony knees and all. Husky words of wisdom have never done a girl wrong. Let's recap, shall we?

So apparently, over the weekend the proverbial shiteth hath hiteth the faneth. Adam & Dominic are on the block, Dominic is the target and Daniele is one very pissed off quitter's daughter. You see, Daniele claimed from the moment she got that first Golden Key that she'd be working the entire house in an effort to prepare her for the upcoming week we find ourselves facing. The fact of the matter is, she didn't really do that. Instead she slept a lot, made a boy band member for a friend and called everything and everyone "stupid". 3 weeks! This girl had 3 weeks to become everyone's best friend and what does she have to show for it? A 25 year old virgin. That's what. And now, at this most pivotal moment in time, that virgin of hers just might walk out the door. Dominic may be Rachel's target, but Daniele has another one in mind... Jeff.

My thoughts on this are eleventyfold. First, I think Daniele hates the fact that Jeff is loved by America. Oh sure, the idea that "Jeff could win America's Choice in the future" has come up, but I think it's much simpler than that. To the CBS show only viewing public, Daniele is a second rate spoiled brat while Jeff is the golden Sun God. Daniele's not stupid. She knows this. I think there's a touch of the resentment when it comes to one Mr. Jeff Schroeder. And, to be quite honest, I totally get it. I would be furious if I found myself competing against CBS's golden child. There's no way to emerge from his giant shadow - especially if you don't have a slow-witted sidekick of your own to boss around. Jealousy is primal. It's not all that easy to shake and it can make you do some dumb ass things - just look at Rachel. Secondly, Dominic is the only bitch Daniele has successfully wrangled. If she loses him at this stage of the game without a back-up bitch waiting in the wings, she's in serious trouble if the couples stay intact.

I've been for splitting up the couples since day one. They're ruining the game. They're hogging the air time. They're annoying to watch. And, let's face it, watching one of them ripped from the other's arms would be pretty funny. So, even though it's not going to happen, I would love for Rachel to backdoor Jeff. Jeff and Jordan made a huge mistake not splitting up Brenchel when they had the chance. Those are two people anyone should want out of the game as soon as is humanly possible. Not only because they're nauseating, but because they win... a lot.



So let's get to yesterday. The day began with an inflated ego. A douchey, incessant, spears for side burns ego. It's Brendon and he's bringing Adam back into the fold. Adam is a windy fart of a player. He blows wherever the power goes and then just hangs out and stinks. He does nothing, he says nothing, he contributes nothing and, in all honesty, I think the intensity of the game is far more than this superfan ever bargained for. He may be a student of the game, but he's an ineffective lump of a player. His alliances are nil. His strategy is nonexistent. All he does is sit around and loaf. He's a big hairy buttered loaf of bread is what he is. Anyhow, he wants back in with Brendon & Rachel. They're in power - why not?! Brendon is willing to take him back, but only if he promises eternal loyalty and trust. Apparently, loyalty and trust are the tenets by which Brendon plays the game and they're what make Brendon & Rachel "elegant" players as opposed to ratty everyday players. I shit you not. Brendon said that the way he and Rachel evict people is "elegant". Elegant! Yes, Cassi going home because your girlfriend is a hideous hosebeast just reeks of class. Whatevs. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Adam accepts the terms of the agreement, hands his bloodied doughy soul over to Brendon and then trots back to the corner from whence he came. An alliance, for the time being, is born. You and I both know that the second the other side of the house gains power, Adam is hoofing it back over there. That's just what he does.



This brings us to my new favorite person: Shelly. Shelly and Rachel are having a chat and Rachel wants to know if Shelly & Cassi tried to backdoor her and Brendon. Shelly tells her that, yes, Cassi did try, but only because she was trying to stay in the game. The conversation turns to Jeff & Jordan and here's where Shelly shines. She tells Rachel that Jordan is not all that different from her. They both try to protect their men and they're both feisty. Rachel giggles at the compliment and begins to feel her self confidence grow. Now that Shelly's got Rachel nice and happy, this is where she makes her move. She then tells Rachel that Lawon was thrilled that he wasn't picked to play POV and ran straight to Kalia to express how happy he was that they get to coast for another week. She goes from gaining Rachel's trust to planting seeds about other targets. That's how Shelly works. Watch her. It's not just ass kissing. I'm willing to argue that it's all premeditated. She knows all these young gals are insecure and she knows the way to make them feel tremendous is to thickly lay on the compliments. Her straight shooting, "tough as nails yet genuine" mom thing she's got going on works in her favor. Shelly is believable. She's not someone you'd instinctively doubt. She's someone you believe. She's your mom. She's your guidance counselor. She's your life coach. She's Shelly dammit and she's playing the best social game in the house. The difference between her and Jordan is that Jordan's social game isn't a plan. It isn't strategy. It's just a simpleton being a simpleton and it works for her. Shit, it got her $500,000, but it isn't game play. It's fortunate happenstance is all. On the other hand, Shelly is crafty. She's working for her money.



Brendon and Jeff head up to the HOH where Brendon is going to fill Jeff in on everything that's been going on for the past two days. Brendon flat out tells Jeff that Daniele wants him gone. She's been in their ear for several days now and has been planting seeds of doubt about Jeff & Jordan all weekend long. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele wants to eliminate Jeff & Jordan and bring Dominic in with herself, Brendon and Rachel. Brenchel were never really comfortable with the plan because they always had this nagging feeling that Dominic would take them out the second he won HOH. The more Daniele talked to Brenchel about getting rid of Jeff & Jordan, the more Brendon began to wise up to what she's really up to. Her mission is to split up the couples now so it's easier for her to make it to the end later. Her only mistake was not anticipating that Brendon & Rachel and Jeff & Jordan would actually get together and exchange notes. She underestimated the flow of communication between the couples and the now she's in a heap of trouble.



Jeff appreciates the intel and confesses that he always thought it was weird how Daniele would automatically leave every room he entered. As soon as she sees Jeff, she scurries away as fast as she can. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele probably does that out of guilt for what she's trying to do to him. I'm not sure I believe that. I think Daniele is a little too heartless to feel guilty about someone like Jeff. I think she's just trying to make herself unavailable. Out of sight, out of mind.



Rachel and her nipples enter and Brendon tells Jeff that he doesn't want to be offensive, but Jordan sometimes tends to let things slip out. They have another one of their caveman talks where the girls aren't allowed to talk game alone with anyone while Rachel sits idly by and picks the nits out of her hair. Rachel says that she just talked to Daniele at the pool where she agreed with everything Daniele was saying so as not to rouse suspicion. Rachel confims to Jeff that Daniele indeed wants to backdoor him. She also wants to get rid of Shelly next, but keep Jordan around for a while so she can be the pawn like she was in BB11. Jeff & Brendon say they should all take naps so they can stay up late and keep the late night crew (newbies + Daniele) from any further scheming.



Down in the Have-Not room, Daniele is trying to feel out and incriminate Shelly. She tries over and over again to get Shelly to say something bad about Brendon & Rachel, but Shelly doesn't fall for it. She says they play to win and she can't disrespect that. Daniele tells her that the Oldies aren't even there to play. She says they just want to have a fun summer and hang out. I have no idea what Daniele is talking about. The Oldies have been playing from day one whereas the Newbies have been floundering around aimlessly. Daniele switches gears and asks Shelly if she'd ever truly vote out Jeff & Jordan. Shelly says of course she would. They're wonderful people and she likes them a lot, but when push comes to shove she'll do what she needs to do. Shelly tells Daniele that she thinks Jeff & Jordan are just playing to get to Jury. She says that Daniele is set up perfectly to skate through to the end and then the bricklaying of the compliments begins. Daniele is a harder nut to crack though. She rolls her eyes and scoffs whenever someone says something nice to her. Shelly continues to weave her magical tapestry and the conversation ends with a tentative future alliance. They'll wait and see how this next week plays out and reconvene at a later date to see if a partnership would benefit them. Is Daniele preparing for the loss of Dominic? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. Does Shelly already know what Daniele is up to? Absolutely.



Jeff then takes Jordan into the Storage Room and fills her in on Daniele's plan to get rid of him and keep Jordan around as a pawn. Jordan is shocked and stunned. She can't believe that Daniele would try to split up the couples up this early in the game and that everyone thinks she's so useless in the game. Jeff cautions Jordan not to let on to Daniele that she knows what's going on. In the meantime, she's to keep talking to Daniele like normal and continue to blame everything on Dominic like she's been doing. Jordan remarks that Daniele is so sneaky. "She's always been sneaky."




This brings us to about the time the CBS show was airing. Brendon was plucking his nose hairs while Daniele was realizing that all of her gum flapping has been in vain. While working out, Rachel tells Daniele that Brendon probably won't use the POV and that Dominic most likely doesn't have the votes to stay. Daniele tells Rachel she's furious. She tries to use the fact that Brendon & Rachel told her to be friends with Dominic as a way to make them feel guilty. She's trying to act like a martyr who's been doing Brenchel's bidding all along. The truth of the matter is, Daniele had Dominic way before Brenchel wanted her to get close to him. Daniele has been working Dominic since week one. It's not Brendon's fault and it's not Rachel's fault. It's Daniele's fault she wasted 3 weeks on one person who's about to go home. She should have known better than to pitch breaking up Jeff & Jordan as a way to keep Dominic. Had Daniele been wise, she would have tried to keep Cassi last week and pitched for a Brenchel backdoor. Cassi could've been an ally, but now she's bye bye. A lot of people have made a lot of mistakes in the game, but I think Daniele has made the most - which is sort of alarming considering she's been safe all along. She had a free ride and she blew it. She's going to need to build up an army and win this next, very crucial, HOH because the second another one of the Oldies wins, Daniele is history.

In the meantime, I'm keeping my eye on Shelly. I like what she's doing and I think she's far more crafty than people give her credit for. I'm dying to see how she does in an endurance comp. Until then, look for Brendon to not use the POV, the votes to possibly be 4-4 and Dominic to go home. Since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, this Thursday should be insane in the membrane. Things are finally heating up and the Oldies are fractured. It's about freaking time! My apologies in advance, but there will not be a blog tomorrow. I'll be back on Wednesday. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Inferno, Purgatorio, Suckaholio

I am lost. I am in a dense wooded area with only my wits and a thesaurus to guide me. To my right is a jagged crevasse. I can hear the shrill shrieking voices from deep within. Blood-curdling and full of pain, they beg for help, to be saved. To my left is a mountain of razor blades covered in stagnant festering body parts. Rotting arms, legs oozing maggots, an ear a cockroach has made his home. Before me runs the bubbling boiling acidic River Of Souls. Chartreuse in color, it sizzles and crackles while a cacophony of tiny whispers beg for redemption. Behind me is the Valley Of Death. Heads on spikes line its perimeter. Rabid wolves drool in wait. Everywhere is death. Everywhere is pain. Welcome to Big Brother 13 assholes. God, I hate this place!

Abandon all hope, you who enter here...



The eternally jealous beak-nosed red-headed harlot is our new HOH and I want to die. I want to jump into the River Of Souls and have it slowly eat away at my young nubile flesh. I don't care if the skin on my legs peels off into gnarled pieces of poisonous beef jerky. I don't care if my hair flakes off into a pile of ash. I don't care if my lungs bubble and boil while trying to take their last breath. I'll live here in this cesspool of putrid death and I'll smile while doing it. I've had quite enough of Rachel Reilly and her laughter. Quite enough of her temper tantrums. Quite enough of her incessant ugliness. I don't want her satisfied and smug or gloating and comfortable. I want her writhing in pain and feeling the hate America feels for her. I want every heinous thought a Big Brother fan has about Rachel Reilly to dig into her skin like a sadistic corkscrew. She's ruining my summer and I'm sick of it!



I take no pleasure in seeing Big Red happy and in charge. I look at her pasty skin and her hooked nose and all I want to do is shove her into a burlap sack of starving rats and listen to her scream. That would bring me joy. I could sit out on the terrace, pour myself a glass of wine and nibble on some foie gras if I had that soundtrack playing in my house. Instead I'm huddled in a corner jabbing rusty shish kabob spears into my eardrums trying to feel something, anything. I wear a bear trap on my ankle just for fun. I eat light bulbs because they go down smoother than one would imagine. Battery acid might as well be apple juice and poison oak makes a surprisingly delicious summer salad.




So Big Red gets her HOH room, but not after being attacked with pillows (filled with oranges) and Jordan threatening to leap to her death. You see, Rachel went into the DR to get her HOH key and the merry band of malcontents decided to prank her with a pillow fight when she finally emerged. It all went down as planned and everyone got their chance to pummel her about the head. Daniele joked they should have used knives instead and I was inclined to agree. When it was finally time to enter the HOH room, Jordan lurked behind and stared longingly over the edge of the balcony. It would be so simple if she just jumped. All of her problems would vanish. Sweet, merciful death is better than having to pretend to be happy for Rachel. I feel you Jordan, I truly do.

The HG's enter the new HOH room and immediately Brendon isn't happy. Why aren't there any photos of him in the room? Why isn't the letter full of playful anecdotes from his family? Why isn't the basket full of his favorite foods? Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! You see, Brendon claims that he gave up HOH for Rachel and now he's not getting any recognition for his oh so selfless deed. Give me a fucking break. Brendon did not throw HOH. His girlfriend is better at competitions than he is and to a controlling Marc Anthony like Brendon, it's more than humiliating. He spends a good portion of the evening pouting and eating his face.

Rachel, on the other hand, is angry for different reasons. She's angry that everyone is talking to Jeff and Jordan instead of her. She's the HOH. She's the HBIC. Why aren't the peasants up in the HOH kissing her ass? Daniele rolls her eyes and mumbles something about not caring and I'm sure the word "stupid" was sprinkled in there somewhere as well. Brendon cautions Rachel to cut it out and warns her that she is to under no circumstances talk game with anyone unless he is around to moderate the conversation. Rachel agrees and talk turns to who to nominate this week. At first it seemed like Kalia & Lawon were good candidates, but now Rachel is leaning a little bit more towards Adam & Dominic. Daniele would prefer to keep Dominic safe, but she can't outright tell Rachel to keep him off the block so she instead tries to convince Brendon & Rachel to set their targets on Adam. She says Dominic is trustworthy and on their side.



I have other ideas though. I'd like Rachel to nominate Kalia & Lawon. And then I'd like Adam & Dominic to get picked to play in the POV. I want them to win and then I want them to take Kalia & Lawon off the block. That leaves Rachel with only one option: to nominate Jeff & Jordan. Jeff will go ape shit insane, Jordan will be devastated that her worst nightmare of being separated from Jeff is about to become a reality and I get at least a moderately interesting week where I get to say "I told you so! I told you so!" over and over and over again. Jordan screwed up last week and I'll never let anyone convince me otherwise. I want her to go through the pain I'm going through right now. I want her to feel it ripping through her heart and tearing through her bones. You did this to us Jordan! And now, you must pay.

Today is both the food competition and nominations. Kalia will continue to push for Lawon to go home, Daniele will continue to try to save Dom and I can pretty much guarantee at least three Brendon & Rachel fights this week. You all know how I feel so now tell me how you feel? Are there any woodland creatures still alive in your neighborhoods? What body parts are you missing today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Despite the heinous wretchedness ruling over the house, this could be an excellent week for feeds. Sign up for your free trial and experience the insanity for yourselves.

Thursday Vacay

After a harrowing week of watching my early favorite getting raked over the coals, I'm going to take a much needed day off. In fact, I think Thursdays off might be a new weekly "thing". Wednesdays are typically slow and I rarely fire up the Thursday feeds until after the live show anyways. I'll be back freshly scrubbed and sparkling tomorrow.


Here's all you need to know: Cassi, barring a major miracle from the land of fairies, will be going home tonight. It's sad and it sucks because I really would have liked her to have had a shot. Unfortunately, a horribly jealous crimson haired creature simply couldn't handle the competition and now our fair Cassi must suffer for it. *tear*

Tonight, I want Dominic to win HOH and I want chaos to ensue. It's about time the power shifted in the house and I'd like to be able to call this upcoming week "Rachel's Hell Week". I'll cast my spells if you cast yours. Now, where did I put that toadstool?

Puppet Master Fairy Killer

The black hole. A region of space in which nothing can escape, not even light. The black hole continues to grow and absorb all of the matter around it. Suck, suck, suck goes the vacuum. Poof, poof, poof goes life. Nothing can exist inside of a black hole. When objects enter they lose all of their recognizable features and are lost forever to the ouside observer. I submit, dear readers, that Jordan Lloyd's brain is an infinite black hole of oblivion - thoughts and ideas go in and nothing but gas and interstellar dust come out. Little burbles of idiocy. Hiccups of insanity. Imbecilic farts. Jordan isn't playing Big Brother for Jordan. She's playing for Rachel Reilly, the merciless leader of the underworld. So when Ms. Really gnarls Jordan's head free from her body, I'll be here watching... with a gin fizzy in my hand. Let's recap, shall we?



We're going to continue our tale of woe up in the HOH room where Cassi, Shelly and Jordan are having a meeting about nominations. Jordan is essentially telling Cassi that her hands are tied and that Cassi will be going on the block. First off, no Jordan. Your hands are not tied. Your brain stem might be - in a complicated nautical sort of a knot - but your hands surely aren't. Stop saying you want Cassi to stay and just go ahead and make Cassi stay. YOU have the power princess. If Brendon & Rachel scare you so goddamn much, then put up Kalia and Lawon and start building your own alliance. While getting out Brendon or Rachel would be a killer move that will forever change the face of the game, I'm happy to settle for the less appealing option #2 of Kalia and Lawon. Sure, I like Cassi and I want her stay, but what disappoints me the most is how you're letting Rachel run your HOH. Yes, my little butter ball, you are not HOH anymore. Rachel is. Isn't that miraculous?! For two weeks in a row Rachel has dictated every move the house has made. Congratulations Jordan! It takes a special sort of girl to have someone you hate constantly yanking at your puppet strings.



So the conversation in the HOH is everything we've already heard before... over and over again. Jordan wants Cassi to stay. She likes Cassi. She really wanted Dominic out. All the girls are jealous of Cassi. She really likes having Cassi around. Cassi is so pretty, but that's not the reason she's going on the block (Yes it is! It's Rachel's reason!). Cassi starts to tear up. She tells Jordan that she didn't even get a chance to play in the POV. Jordan feels bad. Shelly scratches her balls. And round and round we go.

Eventually, the topic of Kalia and Lawon come up. Jordan's reason for not wanting to put them up is because "they're not good" in competitions. That's it. That's all she can come up with. Cassi retorts by asking Jordan what would happen if the tables were turned. What if Rachel was HOH right now and, let's say, Jordan wanted someone out of the house? Would Rachel listen to her and do her bidding? Jordan says no and then begins to play with her hair. Cassi just perfectly illustrated how Rachel is controlling Jordan's every move and Jordan just doesn't get it. She'll never get it. Having a brain of marshmallow fluff doesn't leave one with much to work with.



Now, I'm not entirely biased here. Cassi should have pushed harder. If the Brendon & Rachel thing is definitely not an option for Jordan, then Cassi (and Shelly) needed to push and push and push for Kalia & Lawon to go on the block. Throwing in one sentence or one suggestion doesn't work with Jordan. Like I said in my opening paragraph, Jordan is a black hole of idiocy. You've got to rinse and repeat with this one. You've got to keep talking and talking and use a lot of one syllable words that are easy for her to digest. Cassi never once brought up forming an alliance with Jeff & Jordan. All she said was that if she stays and wins HOH, then she'll be going after Rachel. That's all fine and good, but how does that help Jordan? I realize Cassi has only seen DVD's of the CBS show, but I wish she understood the art of the deal a little better.

Cassi & Shelly leave and Jeff enters. Jordan recaps the entire conversation for Jeff and he genuiniely feels bad for Cassi. He's proud of Jordan for handling the conversation all on her own, but he's also furious that Cassi has to go home while Rachel gets to keep her lapdog Porsche. UGHHHH!!!! Watching these two talk is like watching an Abbot & Costello routine. Jeff wants Cassi like Rachel wanted Porsche. Well then, JUST DO IT. Keep Cassi, get rid of Kalia or Lawon and there you go. The Oldies alliance won't implode. Sure, Rachel will be pissed off, but when is Rachel not pissed off? I'm completely floored that these two are letting the one person, whom they both loathe by the way, run their HOH. Why not just let Rachel wash Jeff's balls, Jordan? You're letting her run everything else in your life. Your "boyfriend" is the next logical step.



Next, Rachel enters. Wearing a muumuu, a giant straw hat and Envy by Gucci, she sashays in and innocently asks what's up. Shut up. Shut. Up. You want to know what's up? You're getting everything you ever wanted. That's what's up. You've got a crouton for an HOH and the entire house is scared of you. And as jealousy always brings out the inner heinous in someone, you're looking pretty rough this week Maude. Pasty, sallow, covered in zits. You're the personification of the hatred that resides within.



Rachel leaves and now it's Dominic's turn. After a failed attempt to murder Dominic, Jeff & Jordan ask him what he would do if he was in their shoes. Dominic says he'd split up Brendon & Rachel sooner than later, but at the same time he doesn't really seem all that concerned with Cassi leaving the house. He's more concerned with Adam winning future quizzes. They discuss how much they hate Porsche and that as soon as the Golden Keys are over, she needs to be the first one out so she doesn't go to Jury. The conversation ends with Dominic agreeing to put Kalia & Lawon on the block if he wins HOH. If they win a POV, he'll then put up Brendon & Rachel. I hope he's lying. I hope he puts up or backdoors Jeff & Jordan. They deserve it for the colossal fuck up they're making this week.



As the evening progresses, the angrier Cassi gets. She calls Rachel a "firecrotch" (unfortunately not to her face) and toys with the idea of making Rachel cry before she leaves the house. Her blood begins to boil and feedsters knew that something miraculous was about to happen. It's what we live for - the fights. Lovely, beautious, extension yanking, insult hurling fights. When the Houseguests finally let down their guards and let it rip, it's as if a dainty little fairy sits on your lap and giggles. She's delicate and perfect and the fact that she loves to see the spit fly as much as you do makes you want invent tiny little posies to lay upon her head. I'm going to name my new fairy friend, Nettle Rainbowtree because that's what the Fairy Name Generator said my fairy name should be and who am I to question science?



So there Nettle Rainbowtree and I sat when Cassi and Rachel met in the Have-Not Room to have a little talk. Rachel is angry that Cassi said shit about Porsche - which as we all saw last night on the CBS show is a TOTAL LIE. Cassi didn't say a damn thing about Porsche. Rachel was just looking for ammunition and since she couldn't find any, she made some up instead. Cassi tells Rachel that she's never lied to her and the second she sees the footage from the house she'll finally understand just how wrong she was about everything. Rachel then proceeds to call Cassi both a ringleader and a floater. Now, I'm not a wizard or a doctor, but how can that be? How can someone be both a floater and a ringleader? My basement laboratory is rudimentary at best, but the floater/ringleader equations keep equaling "cow dung".



Rachel continues to hurl accusations at Cassi. Silly, baseless accusations that amount to nothing more than an ugly girl hating her station in life. She addresses Cassi as "you guys" and Cassi asks, "Who's 'you guys'? I'm playing for myself." Rachel licks her face with her lizard tongue and replies, "Well, you're acting like you're 12!" Cassi just sort of smirks as the realization that she's arguing with a couch cushion becomes clearer and clearer to her. Rachel continues by accusing Cassi of kissing Jordan's ass the second she became HOH. Cassi says she's been friendly with Jordan all along. Rachel then saw a fly buzzing in the corner of the room and ate it.

Cassi switches gears a little bit and goes in for the kill. She tells Rachel that the others in the house are saying that Rachel has a difficult time getting along with females. Nettle Rainbowtree erupted into a high pitched giggle fest and I had to cover her mouth with piece of dental floss so I could hear what was going on. Rachel gasped and sputtered and finally spewed out, "You just insulted my character!" That did it. The idea that Rachel has "character" coupled with the fact that I tied the floss a little too tight killed my precious Nettle Rainbowtree. She just sort of spontaneously combusted and now all that's left it a tiny pink spot of glitter dust on my pants. Damn you Rachel Reilly. You'll burn in hell for that.



The conversation ends with Cassi walking out on Rachel because trying to talk to Rachel is like talking to a curtain rod. It's a gigantic waste of time. Rachel, on the other hand, changes her clothes, puts on her crying face and marches up to the HOH to bawl about that manipulative bitch Cassi. *smiles to self* Cassi-1, Rachel-0. Remember how Cassi said she wanted to make Rachel cry before she left the house. Well, voila! Mission accomplished.



Rachel went to the HOH seeking sympathy and understanding. Instead she got reprimanded by Jordan (of all people) for her behavior in the house. Jordan tells Rachel that she can't keep acting bitchy, she can't keep getting emotional and that she's jeopardizing everyone's alliances in the house. Rachel moans and says, "But Cassi wants to backdoor you!" Lies, lies, all lies. Jordan continues telling Rachel how important it is for her to keep her shit together and Rachel continues to snot about Cassi saying shit about Porsche. Again, curtain rod. Completely useless. The conversation continues it's nauseating back and forth scold/whine/scold/whine. Rachel whimpers that she's always the villain. The ghost of Nettle Rainbowtree threw a tiny tomato at the screen and nothing was really ever accomplished. The only reprieve we got was when Daniele entered, saw Rachel crying and said in an exasperated voice, "What's wrong now?"



Meanwhile, outside Cassi is recapping a much more accurate version of the Rachel convo with Jeff. Cassi says she knows that she's going home, but it sucks that someone as ugly on the inside as Rachel gets to stay in the house. Jeff says that nothing is decided yet. Cassi replies, "I think I just sealed it." Jeff responds, "You could have just saved it." Right there is where Cassi should have made her case again and pushed Jeff to not let someone like Rachel get her way. Getting Jeff & Jordan to put up Brendon & Rachel might be futile at this point, but the Kalia/Lawon option is still a card Cassi can play. She needs to keep pushing and pushing Jeff & Jordan to not let Rachel dictate their HOH. Time is running out unless a miracle happens, Rachel will get her way again just like she did with Kristen. The beast needs to be stopped! Why don't these numbskulls see that?

So, that's where we're at. It looks like Shelly & Cassi will be nominated today and unless Shelly has sex with Brendon in the next 72 hours, Cassi will be going home. It's a pity Jordan can't think for herself. I would have given her a break had she shown some chutzpah and not let Rachel be HOH. At this rate, Rachel will be HOH until the end of time. Good luck with that Houseguests. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Kill, Kill, Kill!

The great American Philosopher Heidi Montag once said, "He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." And it's opportunity that I want to talk to all of you good people about today. Opportunities are fleeting little flecks of beautious goodness that float in and out of our lives. We never know when one will present itself and we never know how long it'll last. All we do know is that you've got to grab it by the balls, wrap your legs around it and then hump it like there's no tomorrow. Miracle upon miracles, Jeff and Jordan have found themselves with the Hope Diamond of opportunities nestled cozily right in the middle of their dimwitted little laps. Will they stare at it wide-eyed while scratching their heads? Will Jordan try to eat it? Will Jeff call it a pedophile? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea, but why don't we try to figure it all out together? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a game of chance. Actually, let me rephrase that... The day began with a completely rigged bowl of fuckery. Adam & Dominic are up for nomination and now it's time to pick players for the POV competition. Since they're nominated, Adam & Dominic will play. Since they're HOH, Jeff & Jordan will play. And since the bag was only filled with the names of one duo, Brendon & Rachel will also be playing. Conspiracy theories have always surrounded the POV name picking ceremony and here's why: For god knows what reason, the house is not allowed to ensure that all of the names are really in the bag. It is a rule that the HOH cannot look inside the bag. Now, ask yourselves why this is a rule. What's the big friggin' deal with double checking that everyone has a fair and equal chance in playing in the competition? I move that CBS make "The checking of the bag" part of the name picking ceremony. It's simple, effective and would quell any rumors of shenanigans on the part of the producers. All the HOH has to do is walk out with the bag, dump the bag out on the living room table, assure that all the names are present, put the names back into the bag, shake the bag and then pick. Voila! Problem solved.



So Brendon & Rachel are playing in the POV comp and Kalia is completely fine with this. She'd rather fall asleep with an ice cream cone in her hand anyways. Playing in a competition means getting up, changing out of the sweatshirt covered in potato chip crumbs, combing her hair and burning a calorie or two. Lest you think I'm being harsh, all Kalia does in this house is eat and sleep. Oh, and fart. She farts too. She's a gem, isn't she? Carrie Bradshaw indeed! So while Kalia plans her next nap, Rachel gets busy plotting and scheming in the HOH with all the other Oldies. She wonders if Adam will still throw the competition. She wonders if the comp will be for couples. She wonders why the hell Cassi is so much prettier than she is. Everything, and I mean everything, out of Rachel's mouth always comes back to Cassi. Cassi this and Cassi that. "Cassi's such a bitch", "Cassi doesn't like women", "Cassi's such a victim", "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" Jeff flat out doesn't understand Rachel's fuss over Cassi. It shouldn't matter to Rachel if he and Jordan happen to like her. They're allowed to talk to her if they want to. Brendon intervenes, yet again, and tells his harlot to reel it in and stop playing so emotional. Rachel whines in response and then eats her own face.



Forlorn and faceless, Rachel retreats to the Starburst room with Daniele in tow. Whisper, whisper, whisper... what if Rachel lets Adam & Dominic win the POV and forces Jeff & Jordan's hand into backdooring Cassi? Or maybe she should just win the POV herself and remove them from the block? It doesn't matter who does it or how it happens, all that matters is that Jeff dared to disagree with her, Cassi is way prettier and now all of them must pay. Daniele likes the plan, probably because it protects Dominic, and encourages Rachel to go forward with it. They can't stand that Jeff & Jordan get along with Cassi and Rachel suspects that Jeff will, one day, try to actually evict Brendon. Umm DUH. One day everyone will try to evict everyone! That's why it's called Big Brother you trollop.


Some time passes with general chitchat and whatnot, but it's clear that Rachel only has one thing on her mind: THAT BITCH CASSI! Rachel pulls Brendon into the Storage Room and pitches her plan to wipe that bitch Cassi off the face of the Earth once and for all. She uses Jeff's shortness with her as the reason, but I think you and I all know the real reason: THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY!!! That last sentence there is what runs through Rachel's head on a constant loop. It haunts her days and nights. It dances around her dreams. Its written on the inside of her eyelids. Brendon seems a little reluctant with the plan and flat out refuses to throw the competition. He warns Rachel again about her emotions and cautions that she keeps her thoughts about Jeff to herself. She is to never, under any circumstances, let Jeff & Jordan know that they are making plans that don't include them. Rachel tries to scrape the THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY from the inside of her skull and agrees.


The Feeds go down and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing that Jeff & Jordan would win, but since the world never spins in my direction: Adam & Dominic have won the POV. Shiiiiiiiiit. *whines and kicks a random squirrel* But I don't waaaaant Cassi to leave. I don't care that she's pretty. All I care about is Rachel not getting her way. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!



Up in the HOH room, Jeff is doing a "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" of his own. Apparently, one Ms. Rachel Reilly said some shit to Jordan during the POV and wouldn't shut up with her "Go Brendon! Come on baby! You can do it Brendon!" throughout the competition. And now, Jeff is dropping f-bombs like me on a Tuesday afternoon. "Fuck her", "Who the fuck does she think she is?", "I fucking can't stand her", etc, etc. He's livid that Rachel always has to be the center of attention. He can't understand why she can't conduct herself like human being. Jordan chimes in saying that Rachel wants America to like her, but that she's doing the exact same stuff she did last season. Not only are these two furious with Rachel's tomfoolery, but they don't really want Cassi to leave. Cassi is a nice girl. Jordan gets along with her and thinks that maybe they can work together as the game progresses. Jeff is bummed out as well. Shelly & Cassi would be very valuable to have on their side when all the Golden Key business is done with.


Well, I have a solution to everyone's problems. Let Adam & Dominic remove themselves from the block and then PUT BRENDON & RACHEL UP IN THEIR PLACE you ninnies! This is a no brainer. It's a game changer. Who knows when the house will get the opportunity to backdoor Rachel again? Jeff & Jordan need to spend the next 24 hours making alliances with every person in the house by offering to get rid of Rachel for everyone. No one likes her. Everyone is scared of her. Having Rachel gone makes everyone else's game a tad bit more promising. Shelly, Cassi, Dominic, Adam, Lawon and Kalia all hate Rachel. I know I give Jordan a hard time about not playing the game, but this is her opportunity to kick a little ass. There is no way in hell that Jeff & Jordan can beat Brendon & Rachel in future competitions. They will always be crippled by Brenchel's presence in the game. Jeff & Jordan have a good thing going with Shelly & Cassi right now. Dominic's target has always been Rachel. Bring all these people together and let's get a game going here folks!

Another option, which will never happen, is to have the Newbies band together and all vote Shelly out instead of Cassi. There is no reason why Kalia's tongue should be so far up the Oldies asses. The same goes for Adam. The Newbies can get some of their numbers back if they vote Shelly out and send a crystal clear message to the Oldies that they're not playing around. If they can't cut off the head of the dragon (Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan), then they should be plotting for ways to at least maim it or something. Jeff & Jordan have Shelly in their back pocket and it doesn't take a savvy player to figure that out. Shelly worships those two and hasn't been the least bit secretive about it. Her vote from last week may still be a mystery to the others, but her glaring allegiance to Jeff & Jordan is no secret at all.



So while Jeff & Jordan are up in the HOH bitching about Rachel yet not realizing the golden opportunity they've been handed, Brendon is once again scolding his harlot. Whatever Rachel said to Jordan during the POV competition was insensitive and rude leaving Brendon with another damage control challenge. He tells her she can't be saying the shit she's saying and acting the way she's acting. He can't be policing her every second of everyday. Her social game sucks and it's beginning to become a real problem. Daniele enters and immediately says to Rachel, "You have to stop it! You're fucking up your social game!" Rachel sits stone faced thinking, "Cassi, Cassi, kill Cassi." and eventually agrees to apologize to Jordan later.



Up in the HOH Jeff & Jordan are talking to Shelly about the possibility of her and Cassi going up on the block. Shelly understands and says that if Cassi goes home, then they should work on trying to bring Dominic into the fold since his only target has always been Rachel. Bitch, just say what you need to say! Tell those two blockheads to put up Brendon & Rachel and then get to work on organizing a new and improved alliance with Dom, Cassi, Lawon, Jeff, Jordan and yourself. Christ, even Adam would join that group! The complacency of these morons is unbelievable.

They talk about how Cassi really does like Jeff & Jordan and it's a shame that she may have to go home now. Jeff chimes in about how resentful he is that he's been making deals protecting Brenchel all this time when apparently they've only been making deals protecting themselves. Plus, as a result of the POV competition, Rachel is now on slop for 2 weeks and Jeff is dreading having to deal with her martyr bullshit about taking the slop option in a game she didn't even win. Oh my god, this is so frustrating! Put her up, put her up, put her up! I can't tell if Jeff is simply dancing around the issue or is truly genuinely stupid enough to let this opportunity pass him by. Is it laziness? Is it dimwittedness? Is it a lack of education? If they hate Rachel so much, if they know she's a huge threat, if they truly want to play the game with "integrity" then cut the bitch loose and go down in history. Just do it!



Shelly leaves, Cassi enters and the atmosphere is all kinds of awkward. Cassi knows she's in deep shit, Jordan is devastated and Jeff is still mad about Rachel's existence in the world. Cassi tells Jeff & Jordan that she's completely onboard with whatever they want to do because they're playing the game exactly how she wants to play the game. They don't get sucked in by the petty bullshit and she thinks they're genuinely good people. She leaves the room quickly and Jordan says, "I don't want to get rid of her." She's visibly upset and wonders if there's another option. Why yes, you lump of vapidness, there is another option. As of matter of fact, there are two options. Option #1: Get rid of Rachel. Option #2: Put up Kalia & Lawon and keep Cassi in your alliance.



Before any decisions can actually be made, Big Red comes barging through the door to apologize to Jordan. Jordan says she didn't even hear the remark and that it was Jeff who was upset about it. Jeff tells Rachel that when she does the shit she does, they all have to deal with the repercussions. And now they have to deal with Brenchel being on slop for two weeks - for nothing. Brendon assures Jeff that slop won't bother them and Rachel says she needs to be on a diet anyways for her wedding that's never going to happen.





The night continues with little else to report on in the way of Jeff & Jordan actually, you know, playing the game. Shelly delights everyone with her tales of how to skin a mule deer and a strange homeless lady eats enough to feed a small village.


If Jeff & Jordan don't do what they need to do to save Cassi and build a strong alliance, then they deserve to be evicted by none other than Brendon & Rachel. Stupidity should never rewarded so I say, the hell with them. Maybe a miracle will happen today. I have no idea. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!


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