Kill, Kill, Kill!

The great American Philosopher Heidi Montag once said, "He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed." And it's opportunity that I want to talk to all of you good people about today. Opportunities are fleeting little flecks of beautious goodness that float in and out of our lives. We never know when one will present itself and we never know how long it'll last. All we do know is that you've got to grab it by the balls, wrap your legs around it and then hump it like there's no tomorrow. Miracle upon miracles, Jeff and Jordan have found themselves with the Hope Diamond of opportunities nestled cozily right in the middle of their dimwitted little laps. Will they stare at it wide-eyed while scratching their heads? Will Jordan try to eat it? Will Jeff call it a pedophile? *shrugs shoulders* I have no idea, but why don't we try to figure it all out together? Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a game of chance. Actually, let me rephrase that... The day began with a completely rigged bowl of fuckery. Adam & Dominic are up for nomination and now it's time to pick players for the POV competition. Since they're nominated, Adam & Dominic will play. Since they're HOH, Jeff & Jordan will play. And since the bag was only filled with the names of one duo, Brendon & Rachel will also be playing. Conspiracy theories have always surrounded the POV name picking ceremony and here's why: For god knows what reason, the house is not allowed to ensure that all of the names are really in the bag. It is a rule that the HOH cannot look inside the bag. Now, ask yourselves why this is a rule. What's the big friggin' deal with double checking that everyone has a fair and equal chance in playing in the competition? I move that CBS make "The checking of the bag" part of the name picking ceremony. It's simple, effective and would quell any rumors of shenanigans on the part of the producers. All the HOH has to do is walk out with the bag, dump the bag out on the living room table, assure that all the names are present, put the names back into the bag, shake the bag and then pick. Voila! Problem solved.



So Brendon & Rachel are playing in the POV comp and Kalia is completely fine with this. She'd rather fall asleep with an ice cream cone in her hand anyways. Playing in a competition means getting up, changing out of the sweatshirt covered in potato chip crumbs, combing her hair and burning a calorie or two. Lest you think I'm being harsh, all Kalia does in this house is eat and sleep. Oh, and fart. She farts too. She's a gem, isn't she? Carrie Bradshaw indeed! So while Kalia plans her next nap, Rachel gets busy plotting and scheming in the HOH with all the other Oldies. She wonders if Adam will still throw the competition. She wonders if the comp will be for couples. She wonders why the hell Cassi is so much prettier than she is. Everything, and I mean everything, out of Rachel's mouth always comes back to Cassi. Cassi this and Cassi that. "Cassi's such a bitch", "Cassi doesn't like women", "Cassi's such a victim", "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" Jeff flat out doesn't understand Rachel's fuss over Cassi. It shouldn't matter to Rachel if he and Jordan happen to like her. They're allowed to talk to her if they want to. Brendon intervenes, yet again, and tells his harlot to reel it in and stop playing so emotional. Rachel whines in response and then eats her own face.



Forlorn and faceless, Rachel retreats to the Starburst room with Daniele in tow. Whisper, whisper, whisper... what if Rachel lets Adam & Dominic win the POV and forces Jeff & Jordan's hand into backdooring Cassi? Or maybe she should just win the POV herself and remove them from the block? It doesn't matter who does it or how it happens, all that matters is that Jeff dared to disagree with her, Cassi is way prettier and now all of them must pay. Daniele likes the plan, probably because it protects Dominic, and encourages Rachel to go forward with it. They can't stand that Jeff & Jordan get along with Cassi and Rachel suspects that Jeff will, one day, try to actually evict Brendon. Umm DUH. One day everyone will try to evict everyone! That's why it's called Big Brother you trollop.


Some time passes with general chitchat and whatnot, but it's clear that Rachel only has one thing on her mind: THAT BITCH CASSI! Rachel pulls Brendon into the Storage Room and pitches her plan to wipe that bitch Cassi off the face of the Earth once and for all. She uses Jeff's shortness with her as the reason, but I think you and I all know the real reason: THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY!!! That last sentence there is what runs through Rachel's head on a constant loop. It haunts her days and nights. It dances around her dreams. Its written on the inside of her eyelids. Brendon seems a little reluctant with the plan and flat out refuses to throw the competition. He warns Rachel again about her emotions and cautions that she keeps her thoughts about Jeff to herself. She is to never, under any circumstances, let Jeff & Jordan know that they are making plans that don't include them. Rachel tries to scrape the THAT BITCH CASSI IS SO FUCKING PRETTY from the inside of her skull and agrees.


The Feeds go down and for the first time in my life I found myself wishing that Jeff & Jordan would win, but since the world never spins in my direction: Adam & Dominic have won the POV. Shiiiiiiiiit. *whines and kicks a random squirrel* But I don't waaaaant Cassi to leave. I don't care that she's pretty. All I care about is Rachel not getting her way. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!



Up in the HOH room, Jeff is doing a "Rachel, Rachel, Rachel!" of his own. Apparently, one Ms. Rachel Reilly said some shit to Jordan during the POV and wouldn't shut up with her "Go Brendon! Come on baby! You can do it Brendon!" throughout the competition. And now, Jeff is dropping f-bombs like me on a Tuesday afternoon. "Fuck her", "Who the fuck does she think she is?", "I fucking can't stand her", etc, etc. He's livid that Rachel always has to be the center of attention. He can't understand why she can't conduct herself like human being. Jordan chimes in saying that Rachel wants America to like her, but that she's doing the exact same stuff she did last season. Not only are these two furious with Rachel's tomfoolery, but they don't really want Cassi to leave. Cassi is a nice girl. Jordan gets along with her and thinks that maybe they can work together as the game progresses. Jeff is bummed out as well. Shelly & Cassi would be very valuable to have on their side when all the Golden Key business is done with.


Well, I have a solution to everyone's problems. Let Adam & Dominic remove themselves from the block and then PUT BRENDON & RACHEL UP IN THEIR PLACE you ninnies! This is a no brainer. It's a game changer. Who knows when the house will get the opportunity to backdoor Rachel again? Jeff & Jordan need to spend the next 24 hours making alliances with every person in the house by offering to get rid of Rachel for everyone. No one likes her. Everyone is scared of her. Having Rachel gone makes everyone else's game a tad bit more promising. Shelly, Cassi, Dominic, Adam, Lawon and Kalia all hate Rachel. I know I give Jordan a hard time about not playing the game, but this is her opportunity to kick a little ass. There is no way in hell that Jeff & Jordan can beat Brendon & Rachel in future competitions. They will always be crippled by Brenchel's presence in the game. Jeff & Jordan have a good thing going with Shelly & Cassi right now. Dominic's target has always been Rachel. Bring all these people together and let's get a game going here folks!

Another option, which will never happen, is to have the Newbies band together and all vote Shelly out instead of Cassi. There is no reason why Kalia's tongue should be so far up the Oldies asses. The same goes for Adam. The Newbies can get some of their numbers back if they vote Shelly out and send a crystal clear message to the Oldies that they're not playing around. If they can't cut off the head of the dragon (Rachel, Brendon, Jeff, Jordan), then they should be plotting for ways to at least maim it or something. Jeff & Jordan have Shelly in their back pocket and it doesn't take a savvy player to figure that out. Shelly worships those two and hasn't been the least bit secretive about it. Her vote from last week may still be a mystery to the others, but her glaring allegiance to Jeff & Jordan is no secret at all.



So while Jeff & Jordan are up in the HOH bitching about Rachel yet not realizing the golden opportunity they've been handed, Brendon is once again scolding his harlot. Whatever Rachel said to Jordan during the POV competition was insensitive and rude leaving Brendon with another damage control challenge. He tells her she can't be saying the shit she's saying and acting the way she's acting. He can't be policing her every second of everyday. Her social game sucks and it's beginning to become a real problem. Daniele enters and immediately says to Rachel, "You have to stop it! You're fucking up your social game!" Rachel sits stone faced thinking, "Cassi, Cassi, kill Cassi." and eventually agrees to apologize to Jordan later.



Up in the HOH Jeff & Jordan are talking to Shelly about the possibility of her and Cassi going up on the block. Shelly understands and says that if Cassi goes home, then they should work on trying to bring Dominic into the fold since his only target has always been Rachel. Bitch, just say what you need to say! Tell those two blockheads to put up Brendon & Rachel and then get to work on organizing a new and improved alliance with Dom, Cassi, Lawon, Jeff, Jordan and yourself. Christ, even Adam would join that group! The complacency of these morons is unbelievable.

They talk about how Cassi really does like Jeff & Jordan and it's a shame that she may have to go home now. Jeff chimes in about how resentful he is that he's been making deals protecting Brenchel all this time when apparently they've only been making deals protecting themselves. Plus, as a result of the POV competition, Rachel is now on slop for 2 weeks and Jeff is dreading having to deal with her martyr bullshit about taking the slop option in a game she didn't even win. Oh my god, this is so frustrating! Put her up, put her up, put her up! I can't tell if Jeff is simply dancing around the issue or is truly genuinely stupid enough to let this opportunity pass him by. Is it laziness? Is it dimwittedness? Is it a lack of education? If they hate Rachel so much, if they know she's a huge threat, if they truly want to play the game with "integrity" then cut the bitch loose and go down in history. Just do it!



Shelly leaves, Cassi enters and the atmosphere is all kinds of awkward. Cassi knows she's in deep shit, Jordan is devastated and Jeff is still mad about Rachel's existence in the world. Cassi tells Jeff & Jordan that she's completely onboard with whatever they want to do because they're playing the game exactly how she wants to play the game. They don't get sucked in by the petty bullshit and she thinks they're genuinely good people. She leaves the room quickly and Jordan says, "I don't want to get rid of her." She's visibly upset and wonders if there's another option. Why yes, you lump of vapidness, there is another option. As of matter of fact, there are two options. Option #1: Get rid of Rachel. Option #2: Put up Kalia & Lawon and keep Cassi in your alliance.



Before any decisions can actually be made, Big Red comes barging through the door to apologize to Jordan. Jordan says she didn't even hear the remark and that it was Jeff who was upset about it. Jeff tells Rachel that when she does the shit she does, they all have to deal with the repercussions. And now they have to deal with Brenchel being on slop for two weeks - for nothing. Brendon assures Jeff that slop won't bother them and Rachel says she needs to be on a diet anyways for her wedding that's never going to happen.





The night continues with little else to report on in the way of Jeff & Jordan actually, you know, playing the game. Shelly delights everyone with her tales of how to skin a mule deer and a strange homeless lady eats enough to feed a small village.


If Jeff & Jordan don't do what they need to do to save Cassi and build a strong alliance, then they deserve to be evicted by none other than Brendon & Rachel. Stupidity should never rewarded so I say, the hell with them. Maybe a miracle will happen today. I have no idea. Until then, comment it out bitches and have a great day!


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Pile Of Poop

Girls, girls. Catty, ridiculous, jealous girls. There's an entire legion of petty girls who walk the planet and Rachel Reilly is their Commander In Chief. Narcissistic and average with a heaping tablespoon of insecurity, Rachel roams the Earth looking for more likable, prettier girls to squash with her wrinkly talons. She did it with Kristen and now she's doing it all over again with Cassi. There will always be prettier girls. There will always be more talented girls. Most of them, if not all of them, don't give a shit that Rachel Reilly exists cowering in her corner of self-loathing waiting to strike. They're busy being successful. I think it was Kelly Bensimon who said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Well, Rachel Reilly stands in a big ole pile of poop and that Kelly Bensimon is one smart lady. Let's recap, shall we?



We'll start this here little bloggy blog with the Have/Have-Not competition. Apparently, it was violent and dangerous as everyone returned looking tore up from the floor up like an Ass Licker on a Friday morning. HG's were examining bruises, clutching their heads and carefully bandaging the burns on their knees. The word on the street is that Rachel puked during the competition and that the players might have been piggy-backed in some way. There was a lot of talk about whether it was better strategy to have the heavier person in the front or in the back. Anyhow, Shelly, Cassi, Dominic and Adam are all Have-Not's. Rachel & Brendon won the competition and, from what I can gather, Brendon may have been able to assign who was a Have-Not. Cassi was unthrilled that even though she and Shelly beat Lawon & Kalia, they were still chosen to be Have-Not's. As for America's Vote, you guys (not me because I never vote for this crap) voted to give the HG's Jellybeans and Jerky. I can't remember what the other choices were, but Jellybeans and Jerky doesn't sound all that bad.



After the washing up was done and the knees were bandaged, it was time for some last minute campaigning before nominations. My favorite conversation had to be between Dominic and Jeff & Jordan. Sitting in the HOH, Dominic lays out every single thought he's ever had in the game up until now. He tells Jeff & Jordan that his real target is Brendon & Rachel and that he knows he's the one everyone is after to get out of the house. Jeff sorts of laughs to himself and says, "You're not the number one target." Instead of being relieved upon hearing this, Dominic is angry and annoyed. He demands to know why he's not the number one target and then cites all the reasons that he should be the number one target. Look, Dominic is an idiot. The way he talks to people and his undeserved arrogance rubs everyone the wrong way and makes him not only untrustworthy, but a little creepy. This kid saw some DVD's of some seasons of Big Brother in his hotel room and now he thinks he has all the answers. He had no idea who Dick was yet he's worked out all the intricacies of Big Brother. Rrrrrrright.

Cassi is called in next and Jordan tells her right off the bat that everyone is throwing her under the bus. Cassi doesn't understand why as all she wants to do is play the game honestly and forego the petty squabbles. Jeff wants to know where Cassi's head is at and she tells them that neither Jeff or Jordan have ever been her targets. Down the line, she'd like to see Brendon and Rachel go because they're intimidating and everyone is scared of them. She doesn't think anyone has the balls to put them on the block. All Cassi wants to do is play the game and not embarrass her family. Jordan and Cassi seem to hit it off and in a roundabout way Jordan lets Cassi know that she is safe for this week.

Jordan gets a feeling in her gut that Dominic isn't someone she wants to keep around for very long so Dominic & Adam have been nominated for eviction. The plan is for Adam to throw the POV and, since the Oldies have the votes, Dominic will be evicted. The effect should be twofold: the Oldies earn Adam's trust and Cassi is left all alone to fend for herself. Daniele is the only Oldie not exactly thrilled with the plan. Like Rachel, she wants Cassi out sooner than later. Not to mention, Daniele has been laying the groundwork with Dominic for a future alliance. Personally, I'm not a Dominic fan and I never have been, but keeping someone so insanely boring and useless like Adam and Kalia in the game drives me up a wall. I'm not happy with the way these evictions are panning out. If Dominic goes this week and Cassi goes next week, then what the hell are we left with?

Save a pimp suit or a glittery kerchief, Lawon has turned out to be a stick in the mud. Kalia can keep telling people that "everything I do or say is calculated", but we all know she's full of hot air. Literally, hot air. Never has a more gaseous girl graced the feeds with her bodily functions. It's depressing. This Golden Key bullshit has completely ruined the game. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that it was designed for the specific purpose of keeping the Oldies in the game. Whether or not an Oldie is nominated, doesn't matter. One will always be safe and thus last longer in the CBS ratings race. The only way for a season with returning players to be fair and interesting is for the entire cast to be veterans. It levels the playing field and forces scrambling from the word "go". This mixing of old and new is a star killer. I said it with Survivor and I'm saying it again now: bringing in old players prevents the new players from becoming personalities/stars/players in their own right. There is too much preoccupation on the interpersonal dynamic with the veterans and it is a flat out "season killer". Survivor: Redemption Island is a classic example of Oldies ruining a cast of fresh-faced Newbies. No one is allowed to blossom and "asskissing" actually becomes strategy.

I can't help but wonder how much better off we'd be without the Oldies running the game. Of course the Newbies are going to be lesser players and not up to par. They haven't had time to wade through the "figuring out the game" phase. The typical first few weeks are usually fraught with scrambling, deals, alliances, plotting, planning and then as people get to know each other and learn who to trust, savviness flourishes and the smart weed out the weak. I realize this is turning into more of an editorial than a recap, but I'm mad. I'm Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest "Damn mad!"

After nominations, the former HG's sit around and talk about the reactions from the Newbies. Adam seems to be playing his part well as Jordan worries that he's really upset about being on the block. Dominic, on the other hand, seems unphased. He names one of the cameras "Greg" and begins to talk to it about the food competition and how much Adam sucked in it. You see, Dominic, just like Adam, thinks he is safe this week. The only thing he seems worried about is how to play POV this week. Should he throw it so Adam definitely goes home or should he try to win and risk Cassi being put on the block? Cassi tells him to play for himself and not to worry about her.

Up in the HOH, Jordan is explaining her nominations to Daniele. In that flippant "Who cares? I don't care" way of hers, Daniele seems fine with the nominations, but hints that she'd rather get Cassi out instead of Dominic. Jordan doesn't trust Dominic at all, but Daniele has been working on Dominic since Dick left. She tells Jordan that Dominic has no idea what he's doing and is way out of his league whereas Cassi's game is to make everyone believe that she's honest. Jordan genuinely believes that Cassi is honest and we can tell by her wide-eyed surprise that she's dumbfounded with what Daniele is telling her.

Outside, Shelly is in rare form. Up until now, Shelly has been nothing more than the Swiffer Queen playing one hell of a social game, but yesterday we got to see a little bit of Bitch Shelly. She was ripping into Porsche and Rachel with such gusto that even I was impressed. Shelly just can't understand why a guy like Brendon would hook up with a psycho piece of work like Rachel. She finds Rachel nauseating, phony and all around unbearable. The Rachel being jealous of Cassi thing is also not lost on Shelly as she thinks that Porsche is seething with jealousy as well. There's nothing that gets under Shelly's skin like Porsche going around the house telling everyone how she pretty is. Seriously, who does that? I mean, besides Rachel and Porsche. You've got to be a ball of low self esteem to walk into a house full of strangers and announce, "I'm pretty." Like being pretty is going to excuse the wretched human you're about to exhibit yourself to be.


Speaking of Porsche, in a conversation with Dominic in the hammock she lays out exactly just how perfect her life truly is. She's got famous friends, she's living in a loft for $500 a month, she's on Big Brother and there's no doubt in her mind that she'll emerge from the house a superstar. She's oh so blissfully happy. The "psychos", as she calls all the feedsters, will make her famous. Nevermind the fact that she has no talent to speak of, isn't really all that remarkable looking and has a personality that makes people cringe. I have yet to come across a Porsche fan. Do they even exist? Her family and friends don't count. I'm talking about strangers who are only now getting to experience this big breasted ball of ridiculousness. *knocks on screen* Hello? Are you out there? Come out, come out wherever you are. So yeah, Porsche is heinous.

The Rachel/Cassi thing continues to brew and I thought we were going to get a fight last night, but nothing ever really materialized. It'll happen though. I'm just not sure when. You'd think Rachel was Jan Brady with all the exasperated "Cassi, Cassi, Cassi!" talk she's doing. No joke. The bitch talked about Cassi all day long. She talked about her with Brendon, with Porsche, with Daniele, with Jordan and probably with all of the Koi in the fish tank as well. It's Kristen all over again and you better believe that if Rachel wins HOH, Cassi will be her target.

So, that's it for now. We've got a POV competition today and I'm almost hoping that Shelly & Cassi win and take Dom & Adam off the block. Something needs to happen to stir the pot and it needs to be happen quickly or else we're looking at a summer of Oldies with a smattering of boring Newbies. I'm gathering my hemlock, mugwort and paprika as we speak. This is going to require a complicated spell on my part. If it suddenly starts raining where you are, that's just me fiddling around with some measurements. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!