Zip It

Young love. Young ooey gooey stick your finger down your throat love. Exasperating, infuriating, hallucinating love. When acid drips tenderly from tongues, it's love! Eyes yellow, zits pulsate, skin crawls and romance is afoot. Long haired freshly scrubbed virgins dance in fields of thorns. Knights in shining armor trip clumsily over their swords. Yet somehow they find each other, rub their skins together and create a love so pungent it burns a hole in the atmosphere. Love isn't always wrapped in tinsel and sprinkled with powdered sugar you know. Sometimes love has gnarly claws and oozes pus. Sometimes it's Satanic and secreting cat intestines. It's all in the flip of the coin of life that determines which one you'll get. Either way, love is beautiful and it is this beauty that I want to talk about today. Let's recap, shall we?

The day began with a fart. A loud gaseous putrid fart. Kalia is awake, my friends, and it's time to grab all the canned goods and freeze-dried apocalyptic meals and head down to our nuclear fall out shelters. Homegirl is hungry and unless we all run and hide forthwith, District 13 will suffer a famine the likes of which no society has ever seen before. Thanks to my extreme couponing, I am also contributing 123 bottles of dish soap and 462 tubes of toothpaste to our stockpile. We should be fine for at least several months. I realize Kalia is an unstoppable beast with an abyss for a stomach but, seriously, how much dish soap can one heifer eat?



With a fart to propel her, Kalia heads to the Storage Room to stick her face into a bag of ham. Dominic enters and the two get to talking. Kalia is thrilled she wasn't nominated this week and says that she, Dominic and Lawon could really could some damage if they wanted to. Damage? *looks around the room* What kind of damage? Soiling the bedsheets kind of damage? Eating some ceramic fruit because you thought they were real kind of damage? What is this damage you speak of Kalia? The damage Kalia is referring to is a flimsy sort of a scotch-taped together Newbie alliance. They've been in the house for weeks and now, today, they decide that a Newbie alliance might not be that bad of an idea. Dominic insists he'll have no problem nominating Brendon & Rachel while Kalia insists that the pepperjack brick of cheese she just ate is about to eek out of her butthole. It's a conversation that leads nowhere, accomplishes nothing and leaves behind a stench so powerful it'll burn your eyelashes off.




Trudging on... Brendon is cooking up some slop confit and Rachel kids that Brendon must not love her because he hasn't prepared her a bowl as well. Well, by the way Brendon reacted you would have thought Rachel had pointed and said, "Penis boy! Penis boy! You're a skanky penis boy!" But no, all she wanted was some slop. For some reason, this made Brendon furious and thus begins fight #2065. Brendon scolds Rachel for being too emotional and affectionate in front of the other Houseguests. Rachel whines and says Brendon is overreacting. Brendon insists he's not trying to control her and round and round and round we go. Meanwhile, in the other room, an innocent pot of slops begins to burn.



The young lovers take their squabble outside so as not to alert the rest of the house that something is amiss. Rachel begins by saying that she won't hang out with Dominic anymore. I have no idea how Dominic got into this conversation, but let's just roll with it. There's a lot of shit we won't understand, but that doesn't mean it's not fun to watch or relive. Brendon says that all of the events of this past week have put huge targets on their back and Rachel is pretty much to blame for all of it. Typically, Rachel resonds with a whimper and a whine, but today Big Red responded with, "I'm fucking pissed off right now! You're being such an asshole!" *bites fist and reaches for a bowl of glitter* She continues her tongue lashing telling Brendon to stop controlling her and "You're not my father!" *dips one booby into the bowl* Wide-eyed and lurching, Brendon tells her to keep her voice down. Just at that moment, Shelly sauntered out with a cig hanging from her lips and a jaunty strut. Brendon grabbed his harlot by the hair and inside they head into the Tarot Room.



Immediately, Brendon tells Rachel never to call him an asshole again. It's not befitting a pretend doctor like him. It affects his research and his career will vanish into thin air if she keeps calling him names like that. Rachel replies saying that Brendon has essentially ended their relatioship because he didn't make her some slop. Well, that infuriates Brendon and he clenches his fist and punches the air. He didn't punch Rachel. He wasn't going to punch Rachel. He just punched the air. I saw a lot of people getting upset that he was about to beat her up or something, but that's simply not true. He emotionally abuses her and she emotionally abuses him. It's very tit for tat with these two. They have the uncanny ability of sucking the life from one another and turning each other into the most vile representations of themselves. Clearly, they get off on it so let them have their fun and let me continue to watch it all play out.


So, Brendon punches the air and then threatens to leave the game. He doesn't care anymore. He'll throw HOH's. He'll leave. He'll stop playing his "social game". Basically, he's a baby not getting it's way. He's hurling his binky across the room and tossing his oatmeal on the floor. Rachel takes one look at him and calls him a psycho. Uh oh. Brendon likes the word "psycho" about as much as he likes the word "asshole". You don't call Brendon a psycho! Rachel scoffs and tells him, "You're the worst fighter." *giggles* Brendon replies with "Stop it! Keep your voice down." And thus begins the "Shhhh" part of the fight.

Apparently, Brendon has very delicate eardrums. The sound of a feather falling or a fairy burping is like a sonic boom to one Mr. Brendon Villegas. His dainty ears simply can't take the noise and this is a little taste of what the conversation morphed into:




Miraculously, this clusterfuck turns into some game talk. Rachel thinks that Jeff & Jordan are going to turn against them. Brendon tells Rachel to keep her voice down and then insists that they're not. Rachel burbles and Brendon tells her she needs to change her attitude about the game. Rachel calls him stupid and says her attitude is fine. She'll just win all the competitions from here on out and there will be no problems. She gets up and tries to leave, but Brendon won't let her. He wants to straighten this out before they part in anger. Rachel sighs and says they're the biggest targets in the game because everyone is scared of them. Brendon freaks out because she's simply not "shushing" enough. Shhhh! Shh a'shh shh a'shh a'shh. Rachel replies with, "You're so ridiculous." Brendon responds, "Shhh." Rachel replies, "You're so insensitive!" Brendon says, "Shhhh!!!! Keeeeeeep your voice down!!" Then Rachel smacked him across the face with her lizard tongue. Seriously, this shit went back and forth and back and forth for an eternity.



The worst part about the fight was the ending. The tongue wrestling ending. My headphones echoed with slurps and gropes. My ovaries crawled up into my esophagus and I knew I'd never procreate... ever. The low moans, the little wriggles... *gag* Hands searching over bodies, eyes clenched shut, tongues probing. I'm never eating again. Hey Kalia, you hungry? Here, have my fridge. Help yourself to my pantry as well. I don't need them anymore. I've decided to live off of air and hope. Hope that I'll never allow myself to sit through another Brenchel make out session for as long as I live.



After a thorough scrubbing of my eyeballs, I was able to catch a conversation with Cassi & Shelly. Apparently, Dick told Shelly to watch out for Cassi and that Cassi was up in the HOH all that first week working on getting a Golden Key. I don't believe it. Shelly doesn't believe it. And, Cassi was pissed. She wonders if Dick saw a chink in her relationship with Rachel from the very beginning and then set out to utilize it to his advantage. It's possible, but I guess we'll never know. Cassi swears to Shelly repeatedly that she wasn't doing what Dick said she was doing. Shelly is totally cool about it and says she never believed Dick in the first place.







In between bites, Kalia found some time in her busy day to bitch about Cassi. She's sick of Cassi going around saying that she played with integrity and then she promptly tells Daniele everything Cassi has ever said about anything. Kalia is so far up the Oldies asses, it's unreal. She's ratted out Lawon, Dominic, Adam, Cassi, Shelly, the alternates, those of you thinking of applying... everyone. Kalia likes to run her mouth almost as much as she likes to eat. I can't stand this girl and the sooner she's out of the house, the happier I'll be.

Checking in with Jeff & Jordan, we find a little paranoia. Jordan thinks that Rachel is beginning to turn on them and I wonder WHY THE HELL SHE COULDN'T FIGURE THIS OUT SOONER! Of course Rachel wants to get rid of her! Brendon & Rachel are already fuming that Jeff has America's Favorite in the bag. You don't really think they'll let Jordan sneak to the end again with her sweet Southern Belle routine, do you? Brendon & Rachel are the polar opposites of Jeff & Jordan. They're intense, strategic, prepared and hate, more than anything, to see people who don't "deserve" to be in the game stay in the game for long periods of time.



Jordan checks in with Rachel in the HOH and I'm not sure what Jordan expected to hear, but Rachel basically told her what she wanted to hear. "Of course I'm not after you. Of course we'll fight to the end together. I haven't said a word about Jeff. Yes Jordan, you're just being paranoid." Jordan seemed pleased with that explanation and that was that. They'll stick to their plan and Rachel assures Jordan that she won't be separated from Jeff before Jury. Final four all the way baby! Yeah, rrrrrright.

Dear Baby Jesus in heaven, Please have Rachel evict Jeff from the house the week before Jury starts. Thank you. Amen.

And that's where I'll end this today. How long do you think it'll take before the Oldies implode? Have you hidden your rations safely from Kalia? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Puppet Master Fairy Killer

The black hole. A region of space in which nothing can escape, not even light. The black hole continues to grow and absorb all of the matter around it. Suck, suck, suck goes the vacuum. Poof, poof, poof goes life. Nothing can exist inside of a black hole. When objects enter they lose all of their recognizable features and are lost forever to the ouside observer. I submit, dear readers, that Jordan Lloyd's brain is an infinite black hole of oblivion - thoughts and ideas go in and nothing but gas and interstellar dust come out. Little burbles of idiocy. Hiccups of insanity. Imbecilic farts. Jordan isn't playing Big Brother for Jordan. She's playing for Rachel Reilly, the merciless leader of the underworld. So when Ms. Really gnarls Jordan's head free from her body, I'll be here watching... with a gin fizzy in my hand. Let's recap, shall we?



We're going to continue our tale of woe up in the HOH room where Cassi, Shelly and Jordan are having a meeting about nominations. Jordan is essentially telling Cassi that her hands are tied and that Cassi will be going on the block. First off, no Jordan. Your hands are not tied. Your brain stem might be - in a complicated nautical sort of a knot - but your hands surely aren't. Stop saying you want Cassi to stay and just go ahead and make Cassi stay. YOU have the power princess. If Brendon & Rachel scare you so goddamn much, then put up Kalia and Lawon and start building your own alliance. While getting out Brendon or Rachel would be a killer move that will forever change the face of the game, I'm happy to settle for the less appealing option #2 of Kalia and Lawon. Sure, I like Cassi and I want her stay, but what disappoints me the most is how you're letting Rachel run your HOH. Yes, my little butter ball, you are not HOH anymore. Rachel is. Isn't that miraculous?! For two weeks in a row Rachel has dictated every move the house has made. Congratulations Jordan! It takes a special sort of girl to have someone you hate constantly yanking at your puppet strings.



So the conversation in the HOH is everything we've already heard before... over and over again. Jordan wants Cassi to stay. She likes Cassi. She really wanted Dominic out. All the girls are jealous of Cassi. She really likes having Cassi around. Cassi is so pretty, but that's not the reason she's going on the block (Yes it is! It's Rachel's reason!). Cassi starts to tear up. She tells Jordan that she didn't even get a chance to play in the POV. Jordan feels bad. Shelly scratches her balls. And round and round we go.

Eventually, the topic of Kalia and Lawon come up. Jordan's reason for not wanting to put them up is because "they're not good" in competitions. That's it. That's all she can come up with. Cassi retorts by asking Jordan what would happen if the tables were turned. What if Rachel was HOH right now and, let's say, Jordan wanted someone out of the house? Would Rachel listen to her and do her bidding? Jordan says no and then begins to play with her hair. Cassi just perfectly illustrated how Rachel is controlling Jordan's every move and Jordan just doesn't get it. She'll never get it. Having a brain of marshmallow fluff doesn't leave one with much to work with.



Now, I'm not entirely biased here. Cassi should have pushed harder. If the Brendon & Rachel thing is definitely not an option for Jordan, then Cassi (and Shelly) needed to push and push and push for Kalia & Lawon to go on the block. Throwing in one sentence or one suggestion doesn't work with Jordan. Like I said in my opening paragraph, Jordan is a black hole of idiocy. You've got to rinse and repeat with this one. You've got to keep talking and talking and use a lot of one syllable words that are easy for her to digest. Cassi never once brought up forming an alliance with Jeff & Jordan. All she said was that if she stays and wins HOH, then she'll be going after Rachel. That's all fine and good, but how does that help Jordan? I realize Cassi has only seen DVD's of the CBS show, but I wish she understood the art of the deal a little better.

Cassi & Shelly leave and Jeff enters. Jordan recaps the entire conversation for Jeff and he genuiniely feels bad for Cassi. He's proud of Jordan for handling the conversation all on her own, but he's also furious that Cassi has to go home while Rachel gets to keep her lapdog Porsche. UGHHHH!!!! Watching these two talk is like watching an Abbot & Costello routine. Jeff wants Cassi like Rachel wanted Porsche. Well then, JUST DO IT. Keep Cassi, get rid of Kalia or Lawon and there you go. The Oldies alliance won't implode. Sure, Rachel will be pissed off, but when is Rachel not pissed off? I'm completely floored that these two are letting the one person, whom they both loathe by the way, run their HOH. Why not just let Rachel wash Jeff's balls, Jordan? You're letting her run everything else in your life. Your "boyfriend" is the next logical step.



Next, Rachel enters. Wearing a muumuu, a giant straw hat and Envy by Gucci, she sashays in and innocently asks what's up. Shut up. Shut. Up. You want to know what's up? You're getting everything you ever wanted. That's what's up. You've got a crouton for an HOH and the entire house is scared of you. And as jealousy always brings out the inner heinous in someone, you're looking pretty rough this week Maude. Pasty, sallow, covered in zits. You're the personification of the hatred that resides within.



Rachel leaves and now it's Dominic's turn. After a failed attempt to murder Dominic, Jeff & Jordan ask him what he would do if he was in their shoes. Dominic says he'd split up Brendon & Rachel sooner than later, but at the same time he doesn't really seem all that concerned with Cassi leaving the house. He's more concerned with Adam winning future quizzes. They discuss how much they hate Porsche and that as soon as the Golden Keys are over, she needs to be the first one out so she doesn't go to Jury. The conversation ends with Dominic agreeing to put Kalia & Lawon on the block if he wins HOH. If they win a POV, he'll then put up Brendon & Rachel. I hope he's lying. I hope he puts up or backdoors Jeff & Jordan. They deserve it for the colossal fuck up they're making this week.



As the evening progresses, the angrier Cassi gets. She calls Rachel a "firecrotch" (unfortunately not to her face) and toys with the idea of making Rachel cry before she leaves the house. Her blood begins to boil and feedsters knew that something miraculous was about to happen. It's what we live for - the fights. Lovely, beautious, extension yanking, insult hurling fights. When the Houseguests finally let down their guards and let it rip, it's as if a dainty little fairy sits on your lap and giggles. She's delicate and perfect and the fact that she loves to see the spit fly as much as you do makes you want invent tiny little posies to lay upon her head. I'm going to name my new fairy friend, Nettle Rainbowtree because that's what the Fairy Name Generator said my fairy name should be and who am I to question science?



So there Nettle Rainbowtree and I sat when Cassi and Rachel met in the Have-Not Room to have a little talk. Rachel is angry that Cassi said shit about Porsche - which as we all saw last night on the CBS show is a TOTAL LIE. Cassi didn't say a damn thing about Porsche. Rachel was just looking for ammunition and since she couldn't find any, she made some up instead. Cassi tells Rachel that she's never lied to her and the second she sees the footage from the house she'll finally understand just how wrong she was about everything. Rachel then proceeds to call Cassi both a ringleader and a floater. Now, I'm not a wizard or a doctor, but how can that be? How can someone be both a floater and a ringleader? My basement laboratory is rudimentary at best, but the floater/ringleader equations keep equaling "cow dung".



Rachel continues to hurl accusations at Cassi. Silly, baseless accusations that amount to nothing more than an ugly girl hating her station in life. She addresses Cassi as "you guys" and Cassi asks, "Who's 'you guys'? I'm playing for myself." Rachel licks her face with her lizard tongue and replies, "Well, you're acting like you're 12!" Cassi just sort of smirks as the realization that she's arguing with a couch cushion becomes clearer and clearer to her. Rachel continues by accusing Cassi of kissing Jordan's ass the second she became HOH. Cassi says she's been friendly with Jordan all along. Rachel then saw a fly buzzing in the corner of the room and ate it.

Cassi switches gears a little bit and goes in for the kill. She tells Rachel that the others in the house are saying that Rachel has a difficult time getting along with females. Nettle Rainbowtree erupted into a high pitched giggle fest and I had to cover her mouth with piece of dental floss so I could hear what was going on. Rachel gasped and sputtered and finally spewed out, "You just insulted my character!" That did it. The idea that Rachel has "character" coupled with the fact that I tied the floss a little too tight killed my precious Nettle Rainbowtree. She just sort of spontaneously combusted and now all that's left it a tiny pink spot of glitter dust on my pants. Damn you Rachel Reilly. You'll burn in hell for that.



The conversation ends with Cassi walking out on Rachel because trying to talk to Rachel is like talking to a curtain rod. It's a gigantic waste of time. Rachel, on the other hand, changes her clothes, puts on her crying face and marches up to the HOH to bawl about that manipulative bitch Cassi. *smiles to self* Cassi-1, Rachel-0. Remember how Cassi said she wanted to make Rachel cry before she left the house. Well, voila! Mission accomplished.



Rachel went to the HOH seeking sympathy and understanding. Instead she got reprimanded by Jordan (of all people) for her behavior in the house. Jordan tells Rachel that she can't keep acting bitchy, she can't keep getting emotional and that she's jeopardizing everyone's alliances in the house. Rachel moans and says, "But Cassi wants to backdoor you!" Lies, lies, all lies. Jordan continues telling Rachel how important it is for her to keep her shit together and Rachel continues to snot about Cassi saying shit about Porsche. Again, curtain rod. Completely useless. The conversation continues it's nauseating back and forth scold/whine/scold/whine. Rachel whimpers that she's always the villain. The ghost of Nettle Rainbowtree threw a tiny tomato at the screen and nothing was really ever accomplished. The only reprieve we got was when Daniele entered, saw Rachel crying and said in an exasperated voice, "What's wrong now?"



Meanwhile, outside Cassi is recapping a much more accurate version of the Rachel convo with Jeff. Cassi says she knows that she's going home, but it sucks that someone as ugly on the inside as Rachel gets to stay in the house. Jeff says that nothing is decided yet. Cassi replies, "I think I just sealed it." Jeff responds, "You could have just saved it." Right there is where Cassi should have made her case again and pushed Jeff to not let someone like Rachel get her way. Getting Jeff & Jordan to put up Brendon & Rachel might be futile at this point, but the Kalia/Lawon option is still a card Cassi can play. She needs to keep pushing and pushing Jeff & Jordan to not let Rachel dictate their HOH. Time is running out unless a miracle happens, Rachel will get her way again just like she did with Kristen. The beast needs to be stopped! Why don't these numbskulls see that?

So, that's where we're at. It looks like Shelly & Cassi will be nominated today and unless Shelly has sex with Brendon in the next 72 hours, Cassi will be going home. It's a pity Jordan can't think for herself. I would have given her a break had she shown some chutzpah and not let Rachel be HOH. At this rate, Rachel will be HOH until the end of time. Good luck with that Houseguests. Comment it out bitches and have a great day!