The Celestine Curse

Trolls, gremlins, rodents, douchebags... these are things that mess up Happy Land. Happy Land is a big dewy meadow located west of Hidden Valley (you know, the place with the ranch dressing). It's filled with wildflowers, butterflies, poppies, and precious fawns leaping over strategically placed stones and tree trunks. It's a magical place where all the mythological creatures of lore hang out and party. On a typical day in Happy Land, it's completely normal to go down to the stream filled with vodka and maybe pass a unicorn nibbling on grass or Dionysis feeding himself grapes. At the crystal waterfall, mermaids help the valkyries bathe while a dragon heats up the night's meal. It truly is a "happily ever after". For the past 85 weeks (yes, it feels that long), Happy Land has had a giant black cloud over it. With that cloud came evil grotesque beings who stunk up the place and made the satyrs not want to play their pipe flutes. Normally, the satyrs would play, the nymphs would dance, and an orgiastic celebration of nature would ensue. Summer in Happy Land should be a fun time. It should be glitter and fairies and giggling and marshmallows. Instead it was balls and boasting and sweaty crotches and giant neander-talls. Thankfully though, the madness is over and the annoying are gone. Matt had squeezed all the power he could out of his teeny tiny testicles and Brendon had whined his last exhausting whine. The brook began to babble again and a rainbow started to leak Skittles. Happy Land is almost back to normal. Let's recap, shall we?

Sorry about yesterday. I just didn't have too much to say and the thought of trying to force something out was exhausting. Yes, I'm thrilled with how Thursday played out. Ragan stepped up to the plate and I clapped and giggled like a "special" child watching a ball bounce. Matt was douchetastic as he sat hunched over on that couch and threw fist pump after fist pump into the air. Dude, you're not DMX. You're not Eminem. You're a tiny little delusional man child who's not the least bit cool. If you look at the Coolness Chart you'll see Matt ranked somewhere near Jon Gosselin and that guy who played Potsie on Happy Days. Brendon wasn't much better. He started out nice and normal and then he'd say something completely ridiculous having to do with Rachel and all normalcy would fly out the window. So yeah, I'm glad they're both gone. I was about sick of them anyways.

Lane is now HOH and all I can think is "What took you so long?". I'm not impressed it took him 8 weeks to pull out a victory and come to life. It's all a bit "too little too late" for me at this point. What's worse is that Lane is also looking out for Hayden. If Lane was smart, he'd pack the jury with Bra-gade members and take someone like Ragan or Britney with him to the Final 2. You know Rachel and Brendon sure as hell aren't voting for Ragan or Britney to win. Lane could potentially have a clean sweep in the final 2 if he took someone not so likable with him. Instead he wants to take shaggy no lipped Hayden. I think out of all the people left in the house Hayden is the one I want to win the least. Yes, that means I'm putting Enzo one notch above him. There's something about Hayden that strikes me as very selfish and dismissive. The way he treated Kristen for one. The speed in which he abandons his alliance at the first sign of danger is another. I think most of all it's the contentment he has in letting everyone else do the dirty work for him. Hell, even Enzo at least tries to win comps. Sure, he sucks at life and all that, but he's at least trying. The only time Hayden tries is when he has to and that bugs me. Also, if you look back over the entire summer, what has Hayden done that's been entertaining? I don't know about you, but I'm coming up with a goose egg. His preoccupation with how the public views him has turned him into a paranoid and uninteresting houseguest. Rewarding boring with a half a million dollars is nauseating.

Enzo is another story. He's under some misguided fantasy that Big Brother 12 is going to make him famous. I ask you, who out of all the past houseguests is what you can honestly call "famous"? None of them. Dr. Will isn't famous. My mother wouldn't know who the hell he was if he walked down the street. Evel Dick likes to think he's famous, but what the hell has he done that's worthwhile over the past 3 years? Ass Licker is a joke who has to take her clothes off and sleep around to get any attention whatsoever. Steven has sex for money and Chelsia hosts a show anyone can produce with a lightbulb and a camera. Big Brother will not make you a star. You'll be a name amongst feedsters, but that's really about it. Enzo's delusions about going on Howard Stern and thinking some random movie producer sitting at home is gonna cast him in his next big blockbuster are completely ludicrous. People hire professionals to act or sell their products not some douchebag on a summer reality show. Reality show fame is not the same as movie fame or musician fame. The only way someone can parlay Big Brother into something substantial is to have a prior talent/skill that can be honed and developed. The prior HG's making money all had backgrounds in their prospective fields. Will was a doctor and Boogie was a club/restaurant owner. Enzo is an insurance claims adjuster. Is he really going to up and move his family to L.A. to star in Goodfellas 2? Uh, no. Like all his "we gotta win this yo", Enzo is nothing more than talk. Annoying, delusional, fantastical talk.

The fact that Enzo thinks Scorcese is sitting at home watching Showtime and planning his next great opus around him is nothing short of lunacy. The fact that he thinks millions of people will buy Meow Meow t-shirts makes me want to get Nurse Ratched on the phone. What Enzo needs is a strong thorazine drip and some intensive daily therapy... preferably the kind with 2 electric pads on either side of his skull and an Austrian at the helm. When all this is said and done, he should go to Vegas, have fun, make a couple grand doing Real Player interviews, and then go back to Jersey and raise his kid. The bar tour and the t-shirt empire are not gonna happen and the sooner he realizes that, the happier he'll be.

The whole fame thing has always been one of my biggest problems with the Bra-gade. From the second they stepped into the house, they began planning their speeches for their Hollywood Walk Of Fame ceremony. Ragan and Britney have none of these delusions of grandeur and, as a result, will probably go on to lead very successful happy lives. Britney is smart, educated, and well-traveled. She'll get married, have some kids, and enjoy the occasional "Hey, weren't you on that tv show?" for the rest of her life. Ragan will go back to Academia, his podcasts will see a burst in listeners, and he'll continue to write thought provoking and interesting poetry. Big Brother will simply be an experience they'll look back on fondly.

OK so Lane has nominated Ragan and Enzo for eviction. The plan being to get Ragan out of the house. If Ragan wins POV, Lane will put Britney up citing that he can't go against his "boy" Hayden. The likelihood of Enzo going home is still a strong possibility though. For some reason, Hayden and Lane are convinced that Enzo can win the whole thing because he's so well-liked. If that means they'll vote him out, then great, go with that logic. What do I care? Enzo aurally raped me yesterday by eating beef jerky and I'm all traumatized and showering nonstop over it. The faster we get rid of him, the better. For 48 hours now all he's done is bitch and moan over how he hasn't won anything. He's not studying, he's not practicing, he's not going over the photos on the wall... he sits around eats with his mouth open and complains about how much he sucks. Look, Enzo, we already know you suck. You will never win anything. You're the only person to make both creative visualization and the law of attraction null and void. When you put something out into the universe it spontaneously combusts and comes back to Earth in the form of bird poop. You're the anti-Stephen Covey, the not Tony Robbins, the nuh uh Oprah moment. You're the 7 Habits Of Highly Moronic People, the Go Ahead And Sweat The Small Stuff, and the Celestine Curse. Enzo would bring a chill to sweat lodges and fart his way through a meditation retreat. He's everything self-help is not.

Ragan, on the other hand, is a studying fool! He knows he has to win this POV and he's going to prepare as much as he possibly can to do so. He's studied the faces on the wall backwards and forwards, he's memorized what happened on which day, and I'm pretty sure he's counted every single fiber of carpet in the house. He has spent hour after hour going over and over everything Big Brother. His studying paid off in the last POV comp and I'd be very surprised if it doesn't help him out again today. If Big Brother continues wanting the power to flip like it has all season long, then I'm predicting some sort of memory based game for the POV. BB always tries to twist things to whatever will create the most drama and Ragan staying in this house another week will do just that.

Another way Big Brother is trying to up the drama is with Pandora's Box. Lane opened it yesterday and claims that 3 bad things will be unleashed on the house. He says he got ninety some dollars out of it and it's all really very sketchy. All I know is that BB has taken away all the glasses and untensils and HG's are now drinking coke out of bowls and milk out of the container. I'm sure it's an inconvenience and all that, but to smarty pants viewers like me it's simply a desperate measure to create more drama. These last 2 weeks will be relatively drama free. Count on that. It's always boring when BB winds down, but this cast makes it even extra boring. It's going to be a lot of laying around and general uninspiring chitchat. I honestly don't know how I'll blog about it. I'll try my best to do it daily and make something up, but don't get pissed if I miss a day or two here and there. You can't force inspiration and the muses just aren't molesting me like they used to. I'll draft a very angry letter to the Fates and see if I can get my mojo back. I'll come up with something creative. You know me, when in doubt - make shit up. To be quite honest, I can't wait for this all to be over with and for Survivor to start. Make sure you bookmark and follow my Bitchy Survivor Blog so you don't miss any of the drama. I'll start posting my cast first impressions in the beginning of September.

So, what do you think of the nominations? Do you think Ragan and Britney have a chance to both stay or has Britney completely crossed over to the douche side? Does Howard Stern have the foggiest idea who Enzo is? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!