Grody Stinky Balls

There have been a great many grand sweeping windy love stories throughout time. Romeo & Juliet, Rhett & Scarlett, Paris & Helen, Stanley & Stella, Phoebe & Cole, Tristan & Isolde, Lizzie & Darcy... the list goes on and on. They capture our hearts and give us hope that there's a meaning to all the madness and everyday crap we go through. They make the moon sparkle, our loins quiver, and have us wondering more often than not, "What the hell am I doing with this dolt lying next to me? I need a Cole or a Scarlett in my life." Yes, romance is powerful and beautiful and sprinkled in fairy dust and dipped in chocolate and all the rest of it. There is but one downfall to a great love affair... the scorned lover. *shivers* There is nothing quite as unpredicatable or as scary as a scorned lover. You could come home one day and find your clothes thrown willy nilly all over the front lawn or your bunny boiling in a pot. There is truly no telling just how far a scorned lover will go. They may tell your friends all your dirty bedroom secrets or post naked photos of you on the internet or maybe they just sit in a corner flicking a lamp on and off and quietly seethe. Those are the scariest in my opinion - the quiet cerebral ones who systematically search for ways to destroy you. Their approach is subtle and skilled. They may not skin your cat or cut the crotches out of all your underwear; instead, they'll start a rumor... a slow festering puss filled rumor that'll creep about slowly infecting everyone who comes into contact with it. Yup, it's definitely the liars you have to look out for. And right about now I'm thinking that the incorrectly self proclaimed diabolical super genius is one such person. Let's recap, shall we?

Before we get to the collapsed love affair of Ragan & Matt, let us address the big controversy that's taken over the internet: Enzo ate food. *gasps as thunder rumbles in the distance* Twitter fans and angry blog commenters alike have taken it upon themselves to grab their placards, charter buses, and organize marches on Washington (thanks Creme!) for the liberation of the justification of the beautifcation of the "We Love Matt" movement... or something like that. Matt fans everywhere furiously punched CBS phone numbers into their iPhone's and left lengthy angry voicemails. Sit-ins were organized, boycotts were planned, and innocent penguins were murdered - one on the hour every hour - until Enzo got his due. You see, the Penguin himself has taken to stuffing food into the belly of his costume and whipping it out to enjoy a tasty treat when he thinks he's going unnoticed. First off, Enzo is a fucking moron. He's been living in a house of cameras for the past 300 days (it feels that long so just go with it) and he truly thinks he can slip something past Big Brother. Look, you guys, Big Brother has a team of P.A.'s watching this shit around the clock and documenting every single thing that goes on. They know Enzo cheated. They know exactly what's going on and you know what? They really don't seem to care. Manipulation is one of Big Brother's most popular traits. Big Brother is supposed to play with the minds of the people he's controlling. Not to get too Orwellian, but "Big Brother" is, in fact, omniscient and always correct. If BB wants Enzo to get off without a penalty, then Enzo will get off without a penalty. I'm not sure that rioting in the streets and tweeting (what are most likely incorrect phone numbers) are really going to change anything. It's happened in past seasons where HG's have snuck food in the bathrooms and have gone unpunished. Jen got punished on BB8 because she made a big dramatic to-do about it and did it out in the open purposely flauting BB's laws. I don't know. I just think it's kind of funny that a flurry of fans who absolutely hate it when BB interferes are now, essentially, begging for BB to interfere. Get over yourselves. It's a game. Furthermore, Matt will not fall in love with you when he gets out of the house. Deal with it.

OK so back to the task at hand. Ragan is all pissed off because Matt, his in-house bestie and lover, actually suggested to Britney that Ragan go up on the block in his place. Knowing that his confidant and paramour was so willing to turn on him has basically destroyed Ragan's belief in good and evil, right and wrong, and hot and cold. It never even entered Ragan's mind that the one guy he's shared long lazy convos in the hammock with could be so heartless and uncaring. I feel bad for Ragan. I know what it's like to put your trust into someone only to have them turn into a total asshole and betray you. People like that are insecure, jealous, and probably rotting inside being eaten alive by their own hate. Matt strikes me as one such person. I say this because even in the wake of his nomination, he's still sprinkling mentions of his poor diseased wife into conversation... conversations with Ragan no less! If anything, I thought he'd apologize and fess up in an effort to avoid the post-BB hate that's bound to come. Or at least I thought he'd nix mentioning Stacey when he knows very well that the truth will destroy Ragan even more. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Matt would continue to pursue, and use, the diseased wife lie.

The diabolical super genius is in fact an insecure selfish guy desperate for fame. This isn't his first reality show and I have a feeling, if he has it his way, it won't be his last. Maybe his mother didn't hug him enough or he didn't get laid a lot in college. I'm not sure, but something somewhere went wonky in his upbringing and it's resulted in his testicles being a security blanket. Am I the only one who finds that habit of his to be really fucking disgusting? He touches things in the house all the time! The kitchen counters, door handles, weights, the HOH remote control, an innocent Sprite bottle... everything in that damn house is covered in Matt's penis! Imagine if a chick sat around with her hand down her pants all the time. She'd be labeled a perv and Francis Farmer'd into a lobotomy. Ok maybe not a lobotomy, but my view of mental institutions is very 1940's and filled with bizarre operations, unfeeling nurses, and all sorts of electrical probes. The point I'm making is that Matt's hand down the pants is not charming, it's not cute, and it's not funny. It's a nasty hotel comforter black light health hazard. If I was in that house I'd demand gloves and a giant tub of those Lysol disinfectant wipes. What's even more nauseating is that Matt's nasty little habit is actually contagious. Now, Enzo lies around with his hand on his junk and I'm pretty sure garlicky olive-oiled Jersey junk on the sliding glass door handle is enough to make anyone never want to go outside again. No wonder that house smells! It's akin to living nestled next to a fat man's balls in tight one size too small jockeys. Yuck!

So Ragan is devastated. He's burned all the love poems, scattered the ashes into the wind, and has decided there's no way in hell he's ever gonna vote for Matt to stay or win this game. Ragan is also pissed off that he ever bothered to campaign for that little douchebag when he was on the block. Worse still, Matt is now using Ragan's campaigning last week against him. He's telling the others that he never asked Ragan to do that and that Ragan is clearly someone who can't be trusted. As if Ragan's back doesn't have enough steel blades lodged into it, Matt has now taken to using Ragan as a sacrificial lamb in an effort to save himself. Matt tells Hayden that Ragan's real targets are Hayden and Enzo not Brendon. He promises that if he stays in the game, he'll deliver all of Ragan's info to the Bra-gade. He's BG for life. *smacks chest and flashes gang sign* Matt goes on to tell Lane that Ragan is no longer the soft and emotional gay puppy who could be manipulated. Now, he's a rabid dog lusting to infect innocent bystanders. Matt wants Lane or Atticus Finch to take him out. If they can't shoot him, then maybe they should start studying harder. Matt advises Lane that Ragan knows that house inside and out and that the Bra-gade need to get their shit together and start memorizing.

Lane listens to everything Matt says and just kind of nods. Matt senses that he's not be taken seriously so he clutches at more some straws and says that he thinks Ragan now has a side alliance with Enzo and Britney. LOL That's funny. Worst. Lie. Ever. Enzo can't stand Britney and Ragan. Matt, of all people, should know that Lane's not gonna buy a lie like that. It's sad and fascinating at the same time to witness the unraveling of one Mr. Matt Hoffman. To Ragan's face he's apologetic, sweet, and saying he wants to go gay clubbing with him (of course he does), then behind his back he's calling him crazy, unpredictable, and scary. If he had a brain cell in his head rather than in his pants, he'd just out the Bra-gade already, get Ragan and Brendon to vote for him to stay, and have Britney break the tie and keep him in the house. It's logical, smart, and actually possible to pull off. This alternative of slandering Ragan and inventing phony alliances isn't going to get Matt anywhere at all. He's too transparent to pull it off. He should just stick with the truth (the Bra-gade), the people who were his closest friends (Ragan and Britney), and work his ass off to stay another week.

Later on in the night we find a semi-paranoid Hayden. Look, Hayden's not a bad guy per se, I just have a huge problem with the way he's playing this game. He turns on his alliances faster than you can say "Kristen" and it strikes me as slightly creepy. I'm pretty sure there's a way to play this game without betraying your best friends and lovers in the house. Instead of winning and taking control of his own BB experience, Hayden is happy to let everyone else do the dirty work for him as long as he stays off the block. The only game he's playing consists of asking everyone who they'd vote to win in the Final 2. He takes that info and uses it to create side alliances. Lucky for him, it's working so far and, regretfully, I can see him winning the whole kit and caboodle. It's like another Jordan winning. Sure, she won the money, but she got to the end not by her own devices. She got to the end by being carried there and having a jury who voted emotionally rather than strategically. She's a half a mil richer, but I don't respect her for it and I never will. I won't respect Hayden for a BB12 win either. Actually, the only people I can respect winning this season right now are Britney and Ragan. They're not flawless, but they're the only ones, besides Kristen, who've stood up for what they believed in. I respect their balls. It's as simple as that.

So, can the Ragan/Matt love affair ever be mended? How insane-o do you think Ragan will go when he finds out that Matt lied about his wife's disease? Do you think Matt should out the Bra-gade and tell Brendon the truth as to what's really going on? How many Hazmat teams will it take to clean that BB house from top to bottom? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

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