Joe: Patent Dreams

Joe Arvin is a 41 year old chef from Lexington, Kentucky and he might be the luckiest bastard around because all signs are pointing to him being an alternate. What that means of course is that we don't have any video interviews of him so we'll have to do all of our preseason judgment on his CBS.com bio alone. Let's dig in and see what we can find out.

The first thing we can deduce about Joe is that he's a family man. He loves to watch his kids play sports and it gives him a thrill to see them have the drive to win. Since I can't figure out if Joe has a wife or not, let's give him a gay bear husband. We'll call him Stanley. Joe and Stanley met back in the 80's when both were down and out theme park dancers. Their dreams for a better life far far away from the roar of the roller coasters brought them together. As did their love of patent leather.

Eventually, Stanley got a job working at the local saw mill while Joe was still figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. A bum knee and bunyons killed his dream of dancing for Carnival Cruises so he'd scour the want ads and cook Stanley a hearty dinner every night. One night over a Chorizo and Gigante Bean Cassoule, Stanley said, "Hey, why not be a chef? Your citronelle is to die for!"

And so, with Stanley as his guinea pig, Joe toiled day and night in the kitchen. Puffed pastries, coq au vin, velvety mousses... Stanley put on a few pounds believe you me! Joe loved him all the same and went on to win the James Beard Award for something or other. A year later they adopted 3 boys from Cuba whose raft tipped over on its way to Florida. Their biological parents, sadly, perished at sea and the boys were luckily picked up by the nicest drug smugglers this side of Colombia.

The rest is happily ever after. And now Joe is on Big Brother! It just goes to show you - you may have put away your tap shoes, but you can still tap dance your way through life.

The End.

So we do love Joe or do we love Joe?