Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon

Yesterday on The Adventures Of Kalia's Intestinal Tract, the houseguests clung to the inner lining and prayed to the baby Jesus that another potato chip wouldn't send them all flying down to the poop chute. It's bad enough having to deal with the terrible wind gusts, but a potato chip could mean curtains for these 10 trapped souls. It's jagged edges would pluck them off one by one into the murky swampy bowl that marks the end of the line. Daniele was heard to mutter "Oh my god, like literally this is so stupid!" Meanwhile, Rachel adjusted her giant straw hat foolishly thinking it would be protection enough against a giant ridged Lay's. Elsewhere, Jordan whispered to Jeff, "I hope she don't dip it in guacamole cuz then we're really in trouble" while further down the tract Shelly took some steel wool out of her pocket and began to furiously scrub anything and everything she could find. Like the houseguests, we too are mere victims of this beast's eating habits. If one more "nom nom nom" or "chomp chomp chomp" comes through my headphones, I'm gonna be like that deaf kid on The Amazing Race. Ma... ma... hellllp. Twisty and turny, coiled and festering, Kalia's colon is a little like the Big Brother 13 house itself. It's very stinky, it's full of hot air and, eventually, everyone inside of it will be flushed out. Let's recap, shall we?



Since the last time we met, Brendon did not use the veto, Adam & Dominic are still on the block and Kalia has singlehandedly crippled the Idaho potato market. Speaking of the human trash compactor, she's another one who thinks Big Brother will make her famous when she leaves the house. Famous like those people who eat all the hot dogs on the 4th of July or famous like that Ruby lady who never loses any weight? I'm not sure, but famous is what Kalia wants to be. Brendon & Shelly scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. Shelly can't imagine anyone in the "famous-making" industry wanting to deal with a messy high maintenance nightmare like Kalia. She never cooks. She never cleans. All she does is bitch bitch bitch about how things aren't up to her standards. Brendon bets she'll even complain about the Jury house. Shelly wonders how she'll fare in a house without a Diary Room she can run to whenever she feels the slightest ache or pain. You see, the second Kalia feels the hint of a bit of discomfort she runs to the DR to request a myriad of over the counter drugs. Midol, Motrin, Tylenol, Ex-Lax, Immodium, Benadryl, etc. Pain and Kalia don't mix. Bread and Kalia mix. Pretzels and Kalia mix. Frosting and Kalia mix. A giant vat of sour cream and Kalia mix. But alas, pain and Kalia do not mix. Here's a thought: Stop stuffing your insides to kingdom come and maybe the pain will subside, you giant blowhole! The only way Kalia is even a smidgen of Carrie Bradshaw is if she ate the entire cast of Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker is still trapped somewhere inside of her lower intestines. Fare thee well SJP!



Moving on... Lawon is outside with Brendon hearing for the very first time that there is a game of Big Brother going on. Brendon is telling him how several people in the house, namely his very own partner, have thrown him under the bus and blamed him for conspiring against the Oldies. Lawon fans himself furiously with some peacock feathers and requests a mint julep. All of this is news to him. After a few sips of the sweet nectar, Lawon composes himself and prepares for battle. He tells Brendon that he's going balls to the wall (which I think means throwing a white lacy handkerchief into the backyard and surrendering) for this next HOH. Brendon asks him who he'll nominate and Lawon, without hesitation, says Kalia. He wants to "slice off the fat" so naturally Kalia is the logical choice. Brendon asks Lawon if he's heard about how Kalia has been badmouthing him since day one. Lawon clutches his pearls and says he had no idea. He think Kalia must be targetting him because of his overwhelming fabulosity. Brendon agrees and pushes Lawon for a little more info before he trots off to his DAR meeting.


Lawon tells Brendon that Dominic kept him up all night kissing his ass. Even though Lawon has every intention of voting Dom out, he told the virginal sprite to keep fighting and defend himself. Brendon nods and then asks about Daniele. What has she been saying all night? Lawon sips his cocktail and says that Daniele really hasn't said much of anything. In fact, she tried to change the subject when the Late Night Crew tried to discuss game. Brendon shakes his head and says it doesn't sound like her. Lawon thinks some more and remembers that Daniele did ask about Shelly. Lawon thinks the girls in the house are intimidated by Shelly. Brendon disagrees. He thinks Shelly is more of a mom figure. The conversation ends with two kisses on the cheek and the fluffing of some petticoats. Brendon seems pleased with Lawon's loyalty and Lawon is late for his facial.



The day continued on somewhat slowly and after hours of contemplation, Dominic comes to terms with the fact that he should probably talk to the Oldies before he leaves the house. He heads up to the HOH to explain himself. He begins by saying that he knows he's going home, but he just wants them (Jeff, Brendon, Rachel) to hear him out first. Dominic insists that he was not the one who came up with the plan to backdoor Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care who came up with the plan. All he cares about is that Dominic was a part of it and did nothing to stop it. Dominic can't believe he's being punished for something that wasn't even his idea. Jeff calls him an "accessory" and says if he was so against the backdoor plan then he should have reported Daniele to the Oldies and filed a restraining order. Jeff also wants to know why Dom has been avoiding him all week. He waited until one hour before the veto meeting to finally approach Jeff and even then he was lying and playing dumb when Jeff tried to pump him for info about the backdoor plan. Dominic doesn't understand why it matters when he approached Jeff. Who cares if it was an hour before the veto ceremony? He says, "Big deal!" Jeff replies that it is a big deal. Timing is everything and you don't wait until the 11th hour to try to save yourself in this game. Dominic still doesn't get it. He insists he's just an innocent lamb in all of this. Daniele is his friend and he was just hanging out with her. It was never anything more than that. *cough* Bullshit *cough*


Rachel says they had planned on keeping Dom all along. The kept him when he voted against them week one. They kept him when he didn't help them in week 2. They were ok with the fact that he removed himself from the block in week 3. Dominic insists he'll be loyal from here on out. Jeff scoffs and asks how many chances can one guy get? There's no way they can keep Dominic in the house. Firstly, he has a terrible track record of not doing what the Oldies want. Secondly, he didn't report to Jeff everything Daniele has ever said ever in this game. Thirdly, he's still friends with Daniele after she completely fucked up his game. Dominic shakes his head and still doesn't understand why he's being punished for something Daniele did. He inists he's a "strong weapon" that can be used to their advantage. Rachel tells him that since they can't take out Daniele, they have to take out her closest ally and that would be Dominic. Again, Dom says they're just friends not allies.


Brendon asks Dominic if he won HOH, who would he put up. Dominic says Shelly. He hates that bitch. THEN he literally says, "I won't put up Daniele this week and I probably won't put her up the week after that", but pretty please can they just trust him that he's a loyal follower of the Oldies? Dominic is a putz. Sure, he could possibly take down the Oldies if teamed up with the right people, but when he argues with them he simply refuses to tell them what they want to hear. The key with the veterans is to just make them happy. Suck up your pride and lay on the compliments thick. Like Shelly! Shelly probably hates Brendon & Rachel with a burning passion, but they'd never know it because she's playing smart. She's being nice. She's not rocking the boat. She chooses what to reveal and what to keep secret. Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito. It just spews and spews and spews. There's no filter. There's no "Would it be wise for me to withhold this information?" It's just, "Here's what I'm doing... I know you hate Daniele and want her dead, but I have no intention of getting her out of the house. But pretty please trust me that I'm on your side." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It must be immaturity. He hasn't learned the finesse of the shmooze. No wonder he hasn't gotten a chick into bed yet.


Like Kalia's food baby, the conversation is very circular. Jeff doesn't understand why Dominic didn't report the backdoor plan, Dominic says it wasn't his plan to report, Jeff tells him it's guilt by association, Dominic pledges his loyalty from here on out. Over and over, round and round. During about the eighteenth incarnation of the same bullshit, Jeff tells Dominic he killed his dog and bringing him a new dog isn't going to make it any better. In version nineteen, Jeff says it's like Dominic has an STD and why would he want to fuck someone with an STD? Dominic claims his STD is curable and so on and so forth. He tries to lay blame on Shelly, but no one is really buying it. It's clear he's looking for a scapegoat and Shelly was the wrong person to pick. Shelly hasn't led the entire house in an anti-Oldie march since day one. Shelly has voted how the Oldies wanted her to vote. And, most importantly, Shelly tells them precisely what they want to hear. They have no reason to doubt her yet whereas Dominic has a track record like Kalia's colon after a cornucopia of starches. Sometimes it's all knotted up and sometimes it gushes a foul stream of half liquid/half chunky fecal matter. Dominic is simply all over the place. He may be a home-schooled virgin, but the innocence ends there. He's a cocky son of a bitch who hasn't acquired the street smarts to know how to manipulate people in a believable fashion. He's like a little boy trying on his dad's oversized suit. He's a joke you take a picture of and then laugh at a later date and nothing more.



The conversation accomplishes nothing more than the Oldies waving around their muscles and Dominic begging for forgiveness. When it was over, Dominic left angry that his mad manipulating skills *flashes gang sign* didn't work yo. He whizzes past Daniele, mumbles something about not wanting to talk and then goes outside to benchpress some twigs. Daniele tells Kalia she's worried about what went on in the HOH room. She wonders how much Dominic told them. Kalia mumbles something in Valley Girl so I whipped off my headphones and headed to the liquor cabinet. Listening to Kalia speak is like listening to her eat. Like I said last night on Twitter, it's as if my skull cap has been removed and my exposed brain is being petted by Freddie Krueger. It's Enzo eating meets Brendon swallowing multiplied by Dick spitting. It's the stuff nightmares are made of and now I'm scared to sleep. Thanks for nothing Kalia.



Eventually, Daniele and Dominic have their long awaited conversation. Dominic says he's "so over it"and Daniele says she's the only one playing the game. Hold up there Pocahantas. You haven't competed. You haven't made alliances. You came up with a plan that will lead to your demise and you spend your days sleeping. If this is the Bizarro World, then, sure, you're playing. I'm sorry to say that this is Planet Earth and playing Big Brother actually entails a little more than sitting around calling everything "stupid". As much as I hate to admit it, the only people really playing the game are Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Shelly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Shelly is playing the social game Daniele should have been playing. Shelly's been safe since week 2, but she's not lying around whispering with her virgin. She's planting seeds, she's securing alliances, she's making friends and, most importantly, she's observing. Daniele hides herself under a comforter and claims to be a master at the game of Big Brother. You can't be a master if you don't know what's going on. You can't be a master if all you hear is what your peons are willing to tell you. You've got to get up and do the work.


Now, one would think that knowing her entire alliance is against her and realizing that her only friend in the house is about to go home would put Daniele on the blood riddled path to revenge. Surprisingly, she's still weighing her options. She flat out tells Dominic that she's not sure if she should nominate the Oldies if she wins HOH. Como what? They want your head on a spike, but now even you won't nominate them? *throws hands in the air* Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!

Before I end this, I'd like to talk a little bit more about Shelly. Not everyone is seeing the magic of this leathery goddess. I could try to convince you, but I don't need to. Last night, in a gorgeous conversation with Kalia, Shelly with nary a smoky exhale, annihilated everything Kalia believed to be true. In one fell swoop, Shelly made Kalia cry, doubt everything she's ever been told and left her floundering like a fish out of a barrell. Shelly fully admits to being one of the votes that took out Keith and asks Kalia why she thinks Daniele is tight with her all of a sudden. It's a delicate seed planting process that causes Kalia much grief and doubt. Shelly also says a bunch of stuff about not lying which, for some reason, rubbed some Big Brother (McFly? Hello!) fans the wrong way. Lying is what we do here folks. Big Brother isn't a Christian Camp for do-gooders. It's a game for a half a million dollars. It's silly to expect Shelly not to do what she needs to do to play it. If she gets caught in her lies, then it becomes her problem, but so far she's pretty unscathed.

Anyhow, Shelly tells Kalia to be careful who she talks to. She implies that the alliances Kalia has made so far are pretty much made out of giant piles of cow dung. Kalia cries and says she doesn't know who to trust. Shelly straight shoots her with some bumper sticker wisdom and tells her to watch her back when it comes to Daniele. The Oldies don't care for Daniele. Therefore, they won't care for people who associate with her. Look at Dominic. Where did that friendship get him? Kalia seems to listen and absorb it all, but I doubt she'll act on it. I think at this point she's too scared to go against Daniele and team up with Shelly. It's a mistake she'll later regret. Kalia will not make it much farther in this game and her association with Daniele (or maybe the pungent stench that follows her around) could be precisely what sends her home. Whatever it is, I think it'll happen sooner rather than later and aren't we all a little thankful for that?

And that's where we'll end this today. Tomorrow is my Thursday day off and I'm thinking as long as Brendon, Jeff or Jordan don't win HOH, Thursday night and Friday will be hotbeds of activity. Dominic will go home and the big question on everyone's mind is whether or not a player will return to the game. Keith and Cassi are still in sequester. Does that mean something? It could. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? Comment it out bitches and I'll see you back here on Friday!