The Big Green Red

Some things change and some things stay the same. It's the ferris wheel of life. Either you learn and grow or you remain stagnant and fester. One might think a red headed harlot raked through the coals would keep her ego in check and staple gun her ducklips shut, but noooooo it's just more of the same old same old. With a new faux leader in charge, the game trudges on. It's a little swampy, a little sweaty, a little ooey and a lot gooey. Everyone swung their mallets towards China and now Jordan - squishy vapid Jordan with nothing more than two chocolate chips to rub together in order to create a thought - is our new HOH. I would have preferred it if a Newbie had won - not because I'm rooting for any of them in particular - but because I want the game fresh and exciting. That's all I want out of Big Brother - drama. I don't watch for the stealth whispering and the careful plotting. I watch for the hair pulling and the venom dripping from their tongues. My request is simple - ENTERTAIN ME. Do that and you've got me for life. Let's recap, shall we?



Honda Civic has gotten hersef a Golden Key and now she can sit for the next three weeks and plot her path to fame and fortune. You see, Oldsmobile is here for one reason and one reason only. She wants to parlay her Big Brother experience into a ticket to stardom. If hanging out at half empty convention centers and having your breakfast comped at a Best Western is your idea of "stardom", then hats off to you Suzuki because that's about all you're going to get. So Camry has the Golden Key and now she's quite pleased with herself. In fact, she's so pleased with herself that she's going to go around the house and rub it in everyone's face. Most everyone just rolls their eyes in response and hopes that eventually the lazy valley girl drawl will run out of steam. One lone Houseguest sits unamused though and her name is Cassi. Cassi and Porsche are like Keith and articulation. The two just don't mix. It's that pretty girl thing where one is jealous of the other and no matter how hard to try to ignore each other, the jealousy continue will grow and grow and eventually start eating away at their souls.



The feeds didn't return in time for us to see exactly what went down, but apparently Cassi expressed her annoyance with Audi and Rachel got all bent out of shape about it. If you ever need reminding of exactly how horrible Big Red is, just check in with her a few seconds after her side has won an HOH. All those violent loathsome feelings you had back in BB12 will flood right back in and you'll wonder how you ever could have given her a day pass of sympathy. A good test of someone's authenticity is if they're likable throughout both the bad and the good. Unfortunately, Rachel fails this test with flying colors. When she's down and out and being bossed around by her bohunk boyfriend, she's tolerable because we feel bad for her. But when she's strutting around the house like her shit don't stink because she's safe for another week, she's just as unpleasant as we always knew her to be. Big Red gets pissy with Cassi and makes sure everyone in the house knows about it. Cassi's response is one of pure exhaustion. She's tired of Porsche, she's tired of Rachel, she's tired of all the petty bullshit. All she wants to do is pretend Porsche is dead and get on with her life.


So Rachel blows up at Cassi and Daniele is concerned. She tells Brendon to control his bitch and immediately he gets to work running interference. He pulls Rachel aside and tells her she needs to stop acting like a vile hosebeast and get her act together. She can't parade around the house picking fights like she did last year. It puts her entire alliance at risk and she needs to learn to keep emotion out of the game. Rachel whines and says, "But Cassi was talking shit about my frieeeeend." Brendon is unwavering. Porsche isn't Rachel's "friend". She's an opponent they've only known for about a week. Is Rachel really stupid enough to ruin her game for some chick she's only just met? Apparently, yes. Rachel is just as unwavering as Brendon is. No one talks shit about Rachel's "friends" and gets away with it.


The circular staircase to hell continues, but Rachel refuses to listen to reason. This time Daniele jumps in and tells Rachel to cut it out. Glassy eyed and thin lipped, Rachel nods her head in agreement and then promptly marches back into the kitchen to tell everyone what a bitch Cassi is. Brendon grabs her by the hair, yanks her back out and begins lecture #4,075. Rachel stomps up the stairs to the chess board in an effort to escape. Brendon follows and the argument starts all over again. Rachel is upset that Cassi talks shit about Porsche and "What am I supposed to do? It's driving me crazy," Again, Brendon tells her to ignore it and let it go. And again, Rachel is blind to common sense. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.



Meanwhile, Cassi is upset that she let Porsche get to her at all. In the outside world, a girl like Porsche would be of no consequence to Cassi. She could ignore her and go about her own business. But in the Big Brother house she's forced to see that bland wet mop daily and it's making her skin crawl. Patron saint Of The Sycophant People, Shelly, is quick to step in and try to make Cassi feel better. She's tells Cassi how beautiful and smart she is. And then she tweaked her nipples and they start scissoring. No, not really, but that would have been funny, right?

Speaking of Shelly, her Newbie alliance has no idea that she was one of the votes to send Keith home. They've suspected everyone from Lawon to Kalia to Cassi to Adam, but never once has any of them suspected Shelly. I guess Shelly deserves kudos for that, right? I mean, she's got the whole house trusting her and that's not an easy thing to do. It looks like the Swiffer Wet Mop Strategy is a strategy to be taken seriously after all. Effortlessly, Shelly floats back and forth, back and forth, a butch in the breeze. The Oldies love her. The Newbies love her. Could Shelly actually be someone to look out for?



After Rachel and Brendon fight about plastic surgery and Rachel threatens to get her boobs removed. Jeff, I mean Jordan, gets her HOH room. The whole ceremony must not have lasted that long because everyone quickly disperses and the talk of what will happen this week ensues. Daniele and Dominic sit in the hammock where Dominic expresses his concern about this week. He knows he's a target and he's willing to make a deal with the Oldies if it means that he can stick around a little longer. Ideally, Dom would like to work with Cassi and Daniele until the end. Daniele doesn't say yes and she doesn't say no. She does, however, try to work with Dom on a way that he can stay in the game. She asks him if he'd rather go on the block and have Adam go home or have one of his friends go on the block and be forced to vote one of them out instead. Dom says he'd rather stay off the block of course. Daniele doesn't know how much pull she has with the couples upstairs, but you can tell she's laying the groundwork for when she needs to split them up. She'll stay friends with everyone and when she's able to compete again is when we'll see the claws come out.

Meanwhile, up in the HOH, Jeff, I mean Jordan, is going over a plan for her nominations. Rachel is obviously hinting that she wants Cassi out, but Jordan doesn't want to risk losing Shelly as an ally by putting her on the block. Jordan also wants to keep Adam in the game because she feels like he would be weak in competitions. The group then wonders if maybe Daniele can get Dominic on their side, but Jordan thinks it might be better to get Dominic out now so Cassi is left alone with nowhere to go. At the mere mention of Cassi, Rachel's face twists and contorts into one of those masks from Scream. Brendon, not missing a beat, takes another opportunity to lecture Rachel on the finer points of the BB social game. He tells her she needs to make up with Cassi and pretend that everything is ok. Rachel snarls and claws at his face, but Brendon insists that she needs to take one for the team. Even Jordan warns Rachel to watch her attitude because the second the Newbies win, they'll remember how Rachel reacted and come after her. Rachel reluctantly agrees, but I think you and I both know that she has no intention of mending fences with Cassi.

A little later on, Adam comes up to the HOH room and admits to voting to evict Porsche. He appreciates the offer the Oldies have given him, but he's just there to play the game and he feels like keeping Keith around would've taken the target off of himself. Adam goes on to admit that he really doesn't have an alliance anymore. What he thought he had was gone and what he'll do now, he has no idea. Jeff and Jordan quickly get to work on him by saying there is no "old vs. new" and that they'll keep him safe he does what they say and vote how they want him to vote. But, Adam also has to promise not to put them up if he wins HOH next week. Adam tells them that if he gets the Golden Key, he'll do whatever they want for the next few weeks. Jordan assures Adam that they have the votes to keep him in the house, but in the meantime Jeff will be telling Dominic that he is safe. Jeff tells Adam that together Cassi and Dominic are dangerous so it's better to split them up now while they can. Adam agrees and promises to act surprised when nominated.

Adam leaves and Daniele enters. Jeff and Jordan explain the plan to get rid of Dominic, but Daniele isn't so sure. She defends Dominic and thinks he'll be easy to manipulate in the game. It's a thin argument, but she's clearly trying to keep all of her budding alliances together. Jeff & Jordan tell Daniele that if the Dominic plan doesn't work out then Cassi is the back up. They're not too eager to dump Cassi just yet because they want Shelly to still be able to win HOH's in the next couple of weeks. Giving Shelly a Golden Key now would mean that she's not able to compete. Daniele and Jeff continue to tell each other that the understand the other's point, but it's still early. Anything can change from now until next Thursday.

And that's where we're at. We might actually have some potential for fights this week. This Rachel, Cassi, Porsche thing is far from over and if the Newbies ever find out Shelly betrayed them, there could be some problems. Food competition and nominations today. Comment it out bitches and have a great day! I leave you with Lawon wearing a glitter kerchief. Kapow!