Inferno, Purgatorio, Suckaholio

I am lost. I am in a dense wooded area with only my wits and a thesaurus to guide me. To my right is a jagged crevasse. I can hear the shrill shrieking voices from deep within. Blood-curdling and full of pain, they beg for help, to be saved. To my left is a mountain of razor blades covered in stagnant festering body parts. Rotting arms, legs oozing maggots, an ear a cockroach has made his home. Before me runs the bubbling boiling acidic River Of Souls. Chartreuse in color, it sizzles and crackles while a cacophony of tiny whispers beg for redemption. Behind me is the Valley Of Death. Heads on spikes line its perimeter. Rabid wolves drool in wait. Everywhere is death. Everywhere is pain. Welcome to Big Brother 13 assholes. God, I hate this place!

Abandon all hope, you who enter here...



The eternally jealous beak-nosed red-headed harlot is our new HOH and I want to die. I want to jump into the River Of Souls and have it slowly eat away at my young nubile flesh. I don't care if the skin on my legs peels off into gnarled pieces of poisonous beef jerky. I don't care if my hair flakes off into a pile of ash. I don't care if my lungs bubble and boil while trying to take their last breath. I'll live here in this cesspool of putrid death and I'll smile while doing it. I've had quite enough of Rachel Reilly and her laughter. Quite enough of her temper tantrums. Quite enough of her incessant ugliness. I don't want her satisfied and smug or gloating and comfortable. I want her writhing in pain and feeling the hate America feels for her. I want every heinous thought a Big Brother fan has about Rachel Reilly to dig into her skin like a sadistic corkscrew. She's ruining my summer and I'm sick of it!



I take no pleasure in seeing Big Red happy and in charge. I look at her pasty skin and her hooked nose and all I want to do is shove her into a burlap sack of starving rats and listen to her scream. That would bring me joy. I could sit out on the terrace, pour myself a glass of wine and nibble on some foie gras if I had that soundtrack playing in my house. Instead I'm huddled in a corner jabbing rusty shish kabob spears into my eardrums trying to feel something, anything. I wear a bear trap on my ankle just for fun. I eat light bulbs because they go down smoother than one would imagine. Battery acid might as well be apple juice and poison oak makes a surprisingly delicious summer salad.




So Big Red gets her HOH room, but not after being attacked with pillows (filled with oranges) and Jordan threatening to leap to her death. You see, Rachel went into the DR to get her HOH key and the merry band of malcontents decided to prank her with a pillow fight when she finally emerged. It all went down as planned and everyone got their chance to pummel her about the head. Daniele joked they should have used knives instead and I was inclined to agree. When it was finally time to enter the HOH room, Jordan lurked behind and stared longingly over the edge of the balcony. It would be so simple if she just jumped. All of her problems would vanish. Sweet, merciful death is better than having to pretend to be happy for Rachel. I feel you Jordan, I truly do.

The HG's enter the new HOH room and immediately Brendon isn't happy. Why aren't there any photos of him in the room? Why isn't the letter full of playful anecdotes from his family? Why isn't the basket full of his favorite foods? Rachel, Rachel, Rachel! You see, Brendon claims that he gave up HOH for Rachel and now he's not getting any recognition for his oh so selfless deed. Give me a fucking break. Brendon did not throw HOH. His girlfriend is better at competitions than he is and to a controlling Marc Anthony like Brendon, it's more than humiliating. He spends a good portion of the evening pouting and eating his face.

Rachel, on the other hand, is angry for different reasons. She's angry that everyone is talking to Jeff and Jordan instead of her. She's the HOH. She's the HBIC. Why aren't the peasants up in the HOH kissing her ass? Daniele rolls her eyes and mumbles something about not caring and I'm sure the word "stupid" was sprinkled in there somewhere as well. Brendon cautions Rachel to cut it out and warns her that she is to under no circumstances talk game with anyone unless he is around to moderate the conversation. Rachel agrees and talk turns to who to nominate this week. At first it seemed like Kalia & Lawon were good candidates, but now Rachel is leaning a little bit more towards Adam & Dominic. Daniele would prefer to keep Dominic safe, but she can't outright tell Rachel to keep him off the block so she instead tries to convince Brendon & Rachel to set their targets on Adam. She says Dominic is trustworthy and on their side.



I have other ideas though. I'd like Rachel to nominate Kalia & Lawon. And then I'd like Adam & Dominic to get picked to play in the POV. I want them to win and then I want them to take Kalia & Lawon off the block. That leaves Rachel with only one option: to nominate Jeff & Jordan. Jeff will go ape shit insane, Jordan will be devastated that her worst nightmare of being separated from Jeff is about to become a reality and I get at least a moderately interesting week where I get to say "I told you so! I told you so!" over and over and over again. Jordan screwed up last week and I'll never let anyone convince me otherwise. I want her to go through the pain I'm going through right now. I want her to feel it ripping through her heart and tearing through her bones. You did this to us Jordan! And now, you must pay.

Today is both the food competition and nominations. Kalia will continue to push for Lawon to go home, Daniele will continue to try to save Dom and I can pretty much guarantee at least three Brendon & Rachel fights this week. You all know how I feel so now tell me how you feel? Are there any woodland creatures still alive in your neighborhoods? What body parts are you missing today? Comment it out bitches and have a great day!

Despite the heinous wretchedness ruling over the house, this could be an excellent week for feeds. Sign up for your free trial and experience the insanity for yourselves.