Adventures Of A Mistreated Colon

Yesterday on The Adventures Of Kalia's Intestinal Tract, the houseguests clung to the inner lining and prayed to the baby Jesus that another potato chip wouldn't send them all flying down to the poop chute. It's bad enough having to deal with the terrible wind gusts, but a potato chip could mean curtains for these 10 trapped souls. It's jagged edges would pluck them off one by one into the murky swampy bowl that marks the end of the line. Daniele was heard to mutter "Oh my god, like literally this is so stupid!" Meanwhile, Rachel adjusted her giant straw hat foolishly thinking it would be protection enough against a giant ridged Lay's. Elsewhere, Jordan whispered to Jeff, "I hope she don't dip it in guacamole cuz then we're really in trouble" while further down the tract Shelly took some steel wool out of her pocket and began to furiously scrub anything and everything she could find. Like the houseguests, we too are mere victims of this beast's eating habits. If one more "nom nom nom" or "chomp chomp chomp" comes through my headphones, I'm gonna be like that deaf kid on The Amazing Race. Ma... ma... hellllp. Twisty and turny, coiled and festering, Kalia's colon is a little like the Big Brother 13 house itself. It's very stinky, it's full of hot air and, eventually, everyone inside of it will be flushed out. Let's recap, shall we?



Since the last time we met, Brendon did not use the veto, Adam & Dominic are still on the block and Kalia has singlehandedly crippled the Idaho potato market. Speaking of the human trash compactor, she's another one who thinks Big Brother will make her famous when she leaves the house. Famous like those people who eat all the hot dogs on the 4th of July or famous like that Ruby lady who never loses any weight? I'm not sure, but famous is what Kalia wants to be. Brendon & Shelly scoff at the ridiculousness of it all. Shelly can't imagine anyone in the "famous-making" industry wanting to deal with a messy high maintenance nightmare like Kalia. She never cooks. She never cleans. All she does is bitch bitch bitch about how things aren't up to her standards. Brendon bets she'll even complain about the Jury house. Shelly wonders how she'll fare in a house without a Diary Room she can run to whenever she feels the slightest ache or pain. You see, the second Kalia feels the hint of a bit of discomfort she runs to the DR to request a myriad of over the counter drugs. Midol, Motrin, Tylenol, Ex-Lax, Immodium, Benadryl, etc. Pain and Kalia don't mix. Bread and Kalia mix. Pretzels and Kalia mix. Frosting and Kalia mix. A giant vat of sour cream and Kalia mix. But alas, pain and Kalia do not mix. Here's a thought: Stop stuffing your insides to kingdom come and maybe the pain will subside, you giant blowhole! The only way Kalia is even a smidgen of Carrie Bradshaw is if she ate the entire cast of Sex and the City and Sarah Jessica Parker is still trapped somewhere inside of her lower intestines. Fare thee well SJP!



Moving on... Lawon is outside with Brendon hearing for the very first time that there is a game of Big Brother going on. Brendon is telling him how several people in the house, namely his very own partner, have thrown him under the bus and blamed him for conspiring against the Oldies. Lawon fans himself furiously with some peacock feathers and requests a mint julep. All of this is news to him. After a few sips of the sweet nectar, Lawon composes himself and prepares for battle. He tells Brendon that he's going balls to the wall (which I think means throwing a white lacy handkerchief into the backyard and surrendering) for this next HOH. Brendon asks him who he'll nominate and Lawon, without hesitation, says Kalia. He wants to "slice off the fat" so naturally Kalia is the logical choice. Brendon asks Lawon if he's heard about how Kalia has been badmouthing him since day one. Lawon clutches his pearls and says he had no idea. He think Kalia must be targetting him because of his overwhelming fabulosity. Brendon agrees and pushes Lawon for a little more info before he trots off to his DAR meeting.


Lawon tells Brendon that Dominic kept him up all night kissing his ass. Even though Lawon has every intention of voting Dom out, he told the virginal sprite to keep fighting and defend himself. Brendon nods and then asks about Daniele. What has she been saying all night? Lawon sips his cocktail and says that Daniele really hasn't said much of anything. In fact, she tried to change the subject when the Late Night Crew tried to discuss game. Brendon shakes his head and says it doesn't sound like her. Lawon thinks some more and remembers that Daniele did ask about Shelly. Lawon thinks the girls in the house are intimidated by Shelly. Brendon disagrees. He thinks Shelly is more of a mom figure. The conversation ends with two kisses on the cheek and the fluffing of some petticoats. Brendon seems pleased with Lawon's loyalty and Lawon is late for his facial.



The day continued on somewhat slowly and after hours of contemplation, Dominic comes to terms with the fact that he should probably talk to the Oldies before he leaves the house. He heads up to the HOH to explain himself. He begins by saying that he knows he's going home, but he just wants them (Jeff, Brendon, Rachel) to hear him out first. Dominic insists that he was not the one who came up with the plan to backdoor Jeff. Jeff doesn't really care who came up with the plan. All he cares about is that Dominic was a part of it and did nothing to stop it. Dominic can't believe he's being punished for something that wasn't even his idea. Jeff calls him an "accessory" and says if he was so against the backdoor plan then he should have reported Daniele to the Oldies and filed a restraining order. Jeff also wants to know why Dom has been avoiding him all week. He waited until one hour before the veto meeting to finally approach Jeff and even then he was lying and playing dumb when Jeff tried to pump him for info about the backdoor plan. Dominic doesn't understand why it matters when he approached Jeff. Who cares if it was an hour before the veto ceremony? He says, "Big deal!" Jeff replies that it is a big deal. Timing is everything and you don't wait until the 11th hour to try to save yourself in this game. Dominic still doesn't get it. He insists he's just an innocent lamb in all of this. Daniele is his friend and he was just hanging out with her. It was never anything more than that. *cough* Bullshit *cough*


Rachel says they had planned on keeping Dom all along. The kept him when he voted against them week one. They kept him when he didn't help them in week 2. They were ok with the fact that he removed himself from the block in week 3. Dominic insists he'll be loyal from here on out. Jeff scoffs and asks how many chances can one guy get? There's no way they can keep Dominic in the house. Firstly, he has a terrible track record of not doing what the Oldies want. Secondly, he didn't report to Jeff everything Daniele has ever said ever in this game. Thirdly, he's still friends with Daniele after she completely fucked up his game. Dominic shakes his head and still doesn't understand why he's being punished for something Daniele did. He inists he's a "strong weapon" that can be used to their advantage. Rachel tells him that since they can't take out Daniele, they have to take out her closest ally and that would be Dominic. Again, Dom says they're just friends not allies.


Brendon asks Dominic if he won HOH, who would he put up. Dominic says Shelly. He hates that bitch. THEN he literally says, "I won't put up Daniele this week and I probably won't put her up the week after that", but pretty please can they just trust him that he's a loyal follower of the Oldies? Dominic is a putz. Sure, he could possibly take down the Oldies if teamed up with the right people, but when he argues with them he simply refuses to tell them what they want to hear. The key with the veterans is to just make them happy. Suck up your pride and lay on the compliments thick. Like Shelly! Shelly probably hates Brendon & Rachel with a burning passion, but they'd never know it because she's playing smart. She's being nice. She's not rocking the boat. She chooses what to reveal and what to keep secret. Dominic, on the other hand, has a mouth like Kalia's butthole after a burrito. It just spews and spews and spews. There's no filter. There's no "Would it be wise for me to withhold this information?" It's just, "Here's what I'm doing... I know you hate Daniele and want her dead, but I have no intention of getting her out of the house. But pretty please trust me that I'm on your side." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It must be immaturity. He hasn't learned the finesse of the shmooze. No wonder he hasn't gotten a chick into bed yet.


Like Kalia's food baby, the conversation is very circular. Jeff doesn't understand why Dominic didn't report the backdoor plan, Dominic says it wasn't his plan to report, Jeff tells him it's guilt by association, Dominic pledges his loyalty from here on out. Over and over, round and round. During about the eighteenth incarnation of the same bullshit, Jeff tells Dominic he killed his dog and bringing him a new dog isn't going to make it any better. In version nineteen, Jeff says it's like Dominic has an STD and why would he want to fuck someone with an STD? Dominic claims his STD is curable and so on and so forth. He tries to lay blame on Shelly, but no one is really buying it. It's clear he's looking for a scapegoat and Shelly was the wrong person to pick. Shelly hasn't led the entire house in an anti-Oldie march since day one. Shelly has voted how the Oldies wanted her to vote. And, most importantly, Shelly tells them precisely what they want to hear. They have no reason to doubt her yet whereas Dominic has a track record like Kalia's colon after a cornucopia of starches. Sometimes it's all knotted up and sometimes it gushes a foul stream of half liquid/half chunky fecal matter. Dominic is simply all over the place. He may be a home-schooled virgin, but the innocence ends there. He's a cocky son of a bitch who hasn't acquired the street smarts to know how to manipulate people in a believable fashion. He's like a little boy trying on his dad's oversized suit. He's a joke you take a picture of and then laugh at a later date and nothing more.



The conversation accomplishes nothing more than the Oldies waving around their muscles and Dominic begging for forgiveness. When it was over, Dominic left angry that his mad manipulating skills *flashes gang sign* didn't work yo. He whizzes past Daniele, mumbles something about not wanting to talk and then goes outside to benchpress some twigs. Daniele tells Kalia she's worried about what went on in the HOH room. She wonders how much Dominic told them. Kalia mumbles something in Valley Girl so I whipped off my headphones and headed to the liquor cabinet. Listening to Kalia speak is like listening to her eat. Like I said last night on Twitter, it's as if my skull cap has been removed and my exposed brain is being petted by Freddie Krueger. It's Enzo eating meets Brendon swallowing multiplied by Dick spitting. It's the stuff nightmares are made of and now I'm scared to sleep. Thanks for nothing Kalia.



Eventually, Daniele and Dominic have their long awaited conversation. Dominic says he's "so over it"and Daniele says she's the only one playing the game. Hold up there Pocahantas. You haven't competed. You haven't made alliances. You came up with a plan that will lead to your demise and you spend your days sleeping. If this is the Bizarro World, then, sure, you're playing. I'm sorry to say that this is Planet Earth and playing Big Brother actually entails a little more than sitting around calling everything "stupid". As much as I hate to admit it, the only people really playing the game are Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Shelly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Shelly is playing the social game Daniele should have been playing. Shelly's been safe since week 2, but she's not lying around whispering with her virgin. She's planting seeds, she's securing alliances, she's making friends and, most importantly, she's observing. Daniele hides herself under a comforter and claims to be a master at the game of Big Brother. You can't be a master if you don't know what's going on. You can't be a master if all you hear is what your peons are willing to tell you. You've got to get up and do the work.


Now, one would think that knowing her entire alliance is against her and realizing that her only friend in the house is about to go home would put Daniele on the blood riddled path to revenge. Surprisingly, she's still weighing her options. She flat out tells Dominic that she's not sure if she should nominate the Oldies if she wins HOH. Como what? They want your head on a spike, but now even you won't nominate them? *throws hands in the air* Look, I'm not a Daniele fan at all, but I was sort of hoping she'd win HOH next week. The thought of Brendon, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan shitting themselves is appealing to me. It's time we send at least one of them home NOW - before Jury. I would looooove for it to be Jeff only so he can deal with the Dumbledore aftermath and so Jordan would fall apart at the seams, but I'll take Brendon or Rachel as well. It's time for one of them to go home. I need to experience the fallout. I lust for the aftermath. I want some drama dammit!

Before I end this, I'd like to talk a little bit more about Shelly. Not everyone is seeing the magic of this leathery goddess. I could try to convince you, but I don't need to. Last night, in a gorgeous conversation with Kalia, Shelly with nary a smoky exhale, annihilated everything Kalia believed to be true. In one fell swoop, Shelly made Kalia cry, doubt everything she's ever been told and left her floundering like a fish out of a barrell. Shelly fully admits to being one of the votes that took out Keith and asks Kalia why she thinks Daniele is tight with her all of a sudden. It's a delicate seed planting process that causes Kalia much grief and doubt. Shelly also says a bunch of stuff about not lying which, for some reason, rubbed some Big Brother (McFly? Hello!) fans the wrong way. Lying is what we do here folks. Big Brother isn't a Christian Camp for do-gooders. It's a game for a half a million dollars. It's silly to expect Shelly not to do what she needs to do to play it. If she gets caught in her lies, then it becomes her problem, but so far she's pretty unscathed.

Anyhow, Shelly tells Kalia to be careful who she talks to. She implies that the alliances Kalia has made so far are pretty much made out of giant piles of cow dung. Kalia cries and says she doesn't know who to trust. Shelly straight shoots her with some bumper sticker wisdom and tells her to watch her back when it comes to Daniele. The Oldies don't care for Daniele. Therefore, they won't care for people who associate with her. Look at Dominic. Where did that friendship get him? Kalia seems to listen and absorb it all, but I doubt she'll act on it. I think at this point she's too scared to go against Daniele and team up with Shelly. It's a mistake she'll later regret. Kalia will not make it much farther in this game and her association with Daniele (or maybe the pungent stench that follows her around) could be precisely what sends her home. Whatever it is, I think it'll happen sooner rather than later and aren't we all a little thankful for that?

And that's where we'll end this today. Tomorrow is my Thursday day off and I'm thinking as long as Brendon, Jeff or Jordan don't win HOH, Thursday night and Friday will be hotbeds of activity. Dominic will go home and the big question on everyone's mind is whether or not a player will return to the game. Keith and Cassi are still in sequester. Does that mean something? It could. *shrugs shoulders* Who knows? Comment it out bitches and I'll see you back here on Friday!

Holding Out For A Hero

Through the vacuous wasteland that is Big Brother 13 a hero begins to emerge. A spindly crotchety exhaust pipe of a woman who speaks in bumper stickers and positive affirmations. She'll ride over the prairie with a rifle in her teeth and kill an antelope with one arm tied behind her back. She'll sell you the rights to hunt in the Congo, teach you how to fly-fish in Montana and, after all is said and done, she'll ride home, wash your linens, Swiffer your kitchen, freshen up the tile grout and cook you a hearty meal. She's not a supermodel and she's not a young whipper snipper, but she's got a Meg Ryan coif and a mean smokin' habit. It's Shelly! Shelly. She's been here all along yet we've sort of let her slip through our fingers. No more! I'm scooping her up and placing her on my mantel - bony knees and all. Husky words of wisdom have never done a girl wrong. Let's recap, shall we?

So apparently, over the weekend the proverbial shiteth hath hiteth the faneth. Adam & Dominic are on the block, Dominic is the target and Daniele is one very pissed off quitter's daughter. You see, Daniele claimed from the moment she got that first Golden Key that she'd be working the entire house in an effort to prepare her for the upcoming week we find ourselves facing. The fact of the matter is, she didn't really do that. Instead she slept a lot, made a boy band member for a friend and called everything and everyone "stupid". 3 weeks! This girl had 3 weeks to become everyone's best friend and what does she have to show for it? A 25 year old virgin. That's what. And now, at this most pivotal moment in time, that virgin of hers just might walk out the door. Dominic may be Rachel's target, but Daniele has another one in mind... Jeff.

My thoughts on this are eleventyfold. First, I think Daniele hates the fact that Jeff is loved by America. Oh sure, the idea that "Jeff could win America's Choice in the future" has come up, but I think it's much simpler than that. To the CBS show only viewing public, Daniele is a second rate spoiled brat while Jeff is the golden Sun God. Daniele's not stupid. She knows this. I think there's a touch of the resentment when it comes to one Mr. Jeff Schroeder. And, to be quite honest, I totally get it. I would be furious if I found myself competing against CBS's golden child. There's no way to emerge from his giant shadow - especially if you don't have a slow-witted sidekick of your own to boss around. Jealousy is primal. It's not all that easy to shake and it can make you do some dumb ass things - just look at Rachel. Secondly, Dominic is the only bitch Daniele has successfully wrangled. If she loses him at this stage of the game without a back-up bitch waiting in the wings, she's in serious trouble if the couples stay intact.

I've been for splitting up the couples since day one. They're ruining the game. They're hogging the air time. They're annoying to watch. And, let's face it, watching one of them ripped from the other's arms would be pretty funny. So, even though it's not going to happen, I would love for Rachel to backdoor Jeff. Jeff and Jordan made a huge mistake not splitting up Brenchel when they had the chance. Those are two people anyone should want out of the game as soon as is humanly possible. Not only because they're nauseating, but because they win... a lot.



So let's get to yesterday. The day began with an inflated ego. A douchey, incessant, spears for side burns ego. It's Brendon and he's bringing Adam back into the fold. Adam is a windy fart of a player. He blows wherever the power goes and then just hangs out and stinks. He does nothing, he says nothing, he contributes nothing and, in all honesty, I think the intensity of the game is far more than this superfan ever bargained for. He may be a student of the game, but he's an ineffective lump of a player. His alliances are nil. His strategy is nonexistent. All he does is sit around and loaf. He's a big hairy buttered loaf of bread is what he is. Anyhow, he wants back in with Brendon & Rachel. They're in power - why not?! Brendon is willing to take him back, but only if he promises eternal loyalty and trust. Apparently, loyalty and trust are the tenets by which Brendon plays the game and they're what make Brendon & Rachel "elegant" players as opposed to ratty everyday players. I shit you not. Brendon said that the way he and Rachel evict people is "elegant". Elegant! Yes, Cassi going home because your girlfriend is a hideous hosebeast just reeks of class. Whatevs. *makes a 'W' with fingers* Adam accepts the terms of the agreement, hands his bloodied doughy soul over to Brendon and then trots back to the corner from whence he came. An alliance, for the time being, is born. You and I both know that the second the other side of the house gains power, Adam is hoofing it back over there. That's just what he does.



This brings us to my new favorite person: Shelly. Shelly and Rachel are having a chat and Rachel wants to know if Shelly & Cassi tried to backdoor her and Brendon. Shelly tells her that, yes, Cassi did try, but only because she was trying to stay in the game. The conversation turns to Jeff & Jordan and here's where Shelly shines. She tells Rachel that Jordan is not all that different from her. They both try to protect their men and they're both feisty. Rachel giggles at the compliment and begins to feel her self confidence grow. Now that Shelly's got Rachel nice and happy, this is where she makes her move. She then tells Rachel that Lawon was thrilled that he wasn't picked to play POV and ran straight to Kalia to express how happy he was that they get to coast for another week. She goes from gaining Rachel's trust to planting seeds about other targets. That's how Shelly works. Watch her. It's not just ass kissing. I'm willing to argue that it's all premeditated. She knows all these young gals are insecure and she knows the way to make them feel tremendous is to thickly lay on the compliments. Her straight shooting, "tough as nails yet genuine" mom thing she's got going on works in her favor. Shelly is believable. She's not someone you'd instinctively doubt. She's someone you believe. She's your mom. She's your guidance counselor. She's your life coach. She's Shelly dammit and she's playing the best social game in the house. The difference between her and Jordan is that Jordan's social game isn't a plan. It isn't strategy. It's just a simpleton being a simpleton and it works for her. Shit, it got her $500,000, but it isn't game play. It's fortunate happenstance is all. On the other hand, Shelly is crafty. She's working for her money.



Brendon and Jeff head up to the HOH where Brendon is going to fill Jeff in on everything that's been going on for the past two days. Brendon flat out tells Jeff that Daniele wants him gone. She's been in their ear for several days now and has been planting seeds of doubt about Jeff & Jordan all weekend long. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele wants to eliminate Jeff & Jordan and bring Dominic in with herself, Brendon and Rachel. Brenchel were never really comfortable with the plan because they always had this nagging feeling that Dominic would take them out the second he won HOH. The more Daniele talked to Brenchel about getting rid of Jeff & Jordan, the more Brendon began to wise up to what she's really up to. Her mission is to split up the couples now so it's easier for her to make it to the end later. Her only mistake was not anticipating that Brendon & Rachel and Jeff & Jordan would actually get together and exchange notes. She underestimated the flow of communication between the couples and the now she's in a heap of trouble.



Jeff appreciates the intel and confesses that he always thought it was weird how Daniele would automatically leave every room he entered. As soon as she sees Jeff, she scurries away as fast as she can. Brendon tells Jeff that Daniele probably does that out of guilt for what she's trying to do to him. I'm not sure I believe that. I think Daniele is a little too heartless to feel guilty about someone like Jeff. I think she's just trying to make herself unavailable. Out of sight, out of mind.



Rachel and her nipples enter and Brendon tells Jeff that he doesn't want to be offensive, but Jordan sometimes tends to let things slip out. They have another one of their caveman talks where the girls aren't allowed to talk game alone with anyone while Rachel sits idly by and picks the nits out of her hair. Rachel says that she just talked to Daniele at the pool where she agreed with everything Daniele was saying so as not to rouse suspicion. Rachel confims to Jeff that Daniele indeed wants to backdoor him. She also wants to get rid of Shelly next, but keep Jordan around for a while so she can be the pawn like she was in BB11. Jeff & Brendon say they should all take naps so they can stay up late and keep the late night crew (newbies + Daniele) from any further scheming.



Down in the Have-Not room, Daniele is trying to feel out and incriminate Shelly. She tries over and over again to get Shelly to say something bad about Brendon & Rachel, but Shelly doesn't fall for it. She says they play to win and she can't disrespect that. Daniele tells her that the Oldies aren't even there to play. She says they just want to have a fun summer and hang out. I have no idea what Daniele is talking about. The Oldies have been playing from day one whereas the Newbies have been floundering around aimlessly. Daniele switches gears and asks Shelly if she'd ever truly vote out Jeff & Jordan. Shelly says of course she would. They're wonderful people and she likes them a lot, but when push comes to shove she'll do what she needs to do. Shelly tells Daniele that she thinks Jeff & Jordan are just playing to get to Jury. She says that Daniele is set up perfectly to skate through to the end and then the bricklaying of the compliments begins. Daniele is a harder nut to crack though. She rolls her eyes and scoffs whenever someone says something nice to her. Shelly continues to weave her magical tapestry and the conversation ends with a tentative future alliance. They'll wait and see how this next week plays out and reconvene at a later date to see if a partnership would benefit them. Is Daniele preparing for the loss of Dominic? *shrugs shoulders* Possibly. Does Shelly already know what Daniele is up to? Absolutely.



Jeff then takes Jordan into the Storage Room and fills her in on Daniele's plan to get rid of him and keep Jordan around as a pawn. Jordan is shocked and stunned. She can't believe that Daniele would try to split up the couples up this early in the game and that everyone thinks she's so useless in the game. Jeff cautions Jordan not to let on to Daniele that she knows what's going on. In the meantime, she's to keep talking to Daniele like normal and continue to blame everything on Dominic like she's been doing. Jordan remarks that Daniele is so sneaky. "She's always been sneaky."




This brings us to about the time the CBS show was airing. Brendon was plucking his nose hairs while Daniele was realizing that all of her gum flapping has been in vain. While working out, Rachel tells Daniele that Brendon probably won't use the POV and that Dominic most likely doesn't have the votes to stay. Daniele tells Rachel she's furious. She tries to use the fact that Brendon & Rachel told her to be friends with Dominic as a way to make them feel guilty. She's trying to act like a martyr who's been doing Brenchel's bidding all along. The truth of the matter is, Daniele had Dominic way before Brenchel wanted her to get close to him. Daniele has been working Dominic since week one. It's not Brendon's fault and it's not Rachel's fault. It's Daniele's fault she wasted 3 weeks on one person who's about to go home. She should have known better than to pitch breaking up Jeff & Jordan as a way to keep Dominic. Had Daniele been wise, she would have tried to keep Cassi last week and pitched for a Brenchel backdoor. Cassi could've been an ally, but now she's bye bye. A lot of people have made a lot of mistakes in the game, but I think Daniele has made the most - which is sort of alarming considering she's been safe all along. She had a free ride and she blew it. She's going to need to build up an army and win this next, very crucial, HOH because the second another one of the Oldies wins, Daniele is history.

In the meantime, I'm keeping my eye on Shelly. I like what she's doing and I think she's far more crafty than people give her credit for. I'm dying to see how she does in an endurance comp. Until then, look for Brendon to not use the POV, the votes to possibly be 4-4 and Dominic to go home. Since hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, this Thursday should be insane in the membrane. Things are finally heating up and the Oldies are fractured. It's about freaking time! My apologies in advance, but there will not be a blog tomorrow. I'll be back on Wednesday. In the meantime, comment it out bitches and have a great day!